srry lmao im the worssttt ignore errors

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“Kyungsoo?” He chokes out and blinks because Kyungsoo isn’t this small and his face isn’t as feminine as the one he now finds himself staring at. The illusion is quickly broken when he hears a disappointed sigh and the pitchy voice cuts into the silence.

“Are you still so drunk?” It’s his mother’s voice and Chanyeol blinks as reality finally paints itself around him. She’s real and standing before him and looking less than pleased with her lip pursed. “I don’t appreciate being called in the middle of the night by some boy,” She snaps harshly and the sharpness of her voice has him wincing and leaves his ears aching as his head continues to throb.

There’s a sinking feeling in his heart and he lowers himself to settle on the stairs. He puts his head in his hands and groans as he tries to stop his hands from shaking too much.

“I barely got any sleep because I was so worried,” His mother continues, “I’m old now– I can’t be worrying over you like this,” She’s disappointed and he hasn’t heard her sound this way in years.

“I thought he was here– I saw him,” He doesn’t lift his head to look at her. He breathes in sharply when he hears her coming towards him. She stops in front of him and gets to her knees before holding his right hand and pulling it away from his face– she frowns.

“Don’t drink so much,” She whispers as she touches his face carefully, “You know I disapprove.” He stares at her and nods slowly because he knows she won’t accept any other answer from him and he doesn’t have the energy to start arguing with her – not when his mind is messed up and he can’t seem to form an intelligible thought. “Where is Baekhyun?”

“Work– He’ll be back in a few weeks,” He stares at her small frail hand over his and can’t help how disgusted he feels with himself for having worried her– for drinking so much that his mind made up the illusion of Kyungsoo being here. He never wanted her to see him like this– who knows how terrible he looked last night?

He pauses, horrified. What had Jongin said to her? Did he tell her what Chanyeol was doing there? He freezes and meets her eyes, heart thumping in his chest and he’s not sure if he should even ask her if she knows what he has been doing with Chanyeol and for the last year.

Baekhyun is the only one who knows and that in itself is too much for Chanyeol because his best friend strongly is against all of his choices lately.

“He only told me his name,” She begins lightly, “I don’t remember you having any friends with that name,” She waits, as if expecting him to explain it to her and he takes a moment to read the look on her face.

He breathes out and looks away, “He’s just a friend,” He says because that’s the only thing he can think of and it’s lame and the sound of disapproval that comes tells him she hasn’t bought his nonsense, but he doesn’t correct himself.

“You were in his bed when I came for you and we had to ask the driver to help us get you in the taxi,” She presses on and he doesn’t want to deal with this but he can’t tell her that– he may be an to plenty of people, but never to her. “I haven’t seen you since you were eight, Chanyeol, so you need to explain to me why I had to help you get dressed because you were too drunk out of your mind– in a stranger’s bedroom and he wasn’t exactly appropriately dressed himself.”

He stays silent and she waits patiently with her hand still over his and she occasionally squeezes lightly to bring her comfort, it works. “Are you seeing him?” She finally breaks the silence and Chanyeol feels himself tense.

“No,” He shakes his head, ashamed, “He’s just– he’s there when I get lonely,” He says tiredly and suddenly finds the ground interesting, like a child, when she removes her hand from his and rests it on her lap.

“Is he a e, Chanyeol?” She stumbles over the word, looking disturbed, and Chanyeol vigorously shakes his head.

“No.” He says firmly before sighing because of course she’ll jump to that conclusion when his answers are so vague. She stares at him questioningly and he shifts uncomfortably, “What?” He asks and something passes in her eyes for a split second.

“Oh,” She mouths as she narrows her eyes at him in suspicion and gets to her feet, she straightens her clothing and gestures for him to get up. “I’ll make some coffee– go wash up.” Her tone is holding no room for arguments and Chanyeol finds himself nodding and heading back up the stairs.

When he finds himself by the kitchen counter, with a mug of hot coffee in his hand and breakfast in front of him– he has time to think and his mind is clear enough now to form coherent thoughts.

His mother is across from him, with only a cup of coffee and she’s staring at him. “I think you should come live with me until you start to feel better,” She states and it’s something he has expected from her, but he will never agree to it because he’s not a child and being under her constantly watching him will drive him mad.

“I’m fine,” He looks up from his coffee to look at her.

She frowns, but says nothing else for a minute. She sips her coffee in silence and clears afterwards. “He told me he tried calling Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol’s back straightens and his grip on the mug tightens at that. “He didn’t pick up so he called me because it was the next logical step– seeing as I’m listed as ‘Mummy’,” She tells him and Chanyeol closes his eyes, already wishing for his bed.

“Why did he call Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol croaks out painfully. What a disaster that would be– if Kyungsoo had actually been the one to see him in this state– this broken. He doesn’t even know what kind of excuse he would make up about Jongin or what he would have to say to Kyungsoo.

He never wants Jongin and Kyungsoo to ever cross paths and for once– he’s happy Kyungsoo didn’t pick up. And being this hangover and feeling this destroyed, he doesn’t have all his thoughts and what he wants Kyungsoo to know when he sees him.

“You begged him to.” She says and he doesn’t like the look that she gives him.

He doesn’t know why he feels guilty all of a sudden, but he knows this is something that’ll eat him up. “,” He whispers and immediately murmurs a ‘sorry’ when his mother makes a noise.

()()()()

He plans on avoiding Jongin, he doesn’t plan on seeing him anymore, but he remembers his mother telling him to thank him in face for putting them both in that awkward position. She calls often these last few days to check on him and the phone calls now usually end with her oddly silent– his insides twisting because she always has something to say.

He agrees to thank Jongin in person half-heartedly, or maybe it’s because he got sick of coming straight home after work or eating out with Minseok and the rest. He doesn’t know. But he stands waiting outside Jongin’s apartment on his free day from work.

He thinks of turning around and leaving and pretending this never happened. He knocks on the door anyway and the person that opens is Taemin, Jongin’s roommate, he blinks at Chanyeol in confusion. “Oh, Jongin didn’t mention you were coming today.” He says dully and Chanyeol stopped questioning why Taemin talks to him in such an odd tone.

The first time they met was at the new club and he is the same person who pushed Jongin to him. Chanyeol says nothing about the sudden change in him because the guy was probably drunk too then and Chanyeol doesn’t know him personally to know he has a personality change. “Is he here?” He asks and it’s equally as dry and disinterested.

Taemin steps out of the way and closes the door after he enters. “He’s in the–”

“…Chanyeol?” Chanyeol blinks up at Jongin who stares at him for a moment and in clear confusion because he always calls him first to let him know he’s on his way, “Hey,” He looks sheepish now and Chanyeol has to ignore the scoff that comes from Taemin behind him before he walks past them both and disappears into one of the rooms.

“Hey,” He says, feeling completely out of his element because today’s visit isn’t about him getting laid.

Chanyeol follows after Jongin and he settles on the couch beside him. He stares straight ahead and swallows thickly because he doesn’t even know why he’s here. “Thank you for before,” He says awkwardly and sees Jongin shift beside him through the corner of his eye.

“It was nothing,” Jongin is just as awkward as he is and it’s comforting on his part.

The silence stretches and he feels out of place where he sits so he stands up with the intent to get out, “That’s all,” And he knows how stupid and lame he sounds at that. Did he really waste his time to come over just to say this? But Chanyeol doesn’t know how behave around Jongin when he isn’t between his legs– words aren’t needed then and his hands usually do the talking.

“You don’t have to go,” Jongin says as he grabs his sleeve and tags at it and Chanyeol considers it. But hanging around people you’re strictly sleeping with isn’t something he wants to start during.

The thought then comes to him– what does he have to lose? “I can’t.” He answers anyway, lingers for a second before he walks out and then he feels like a big idiot for wasting his own time.

()()()()

He invites someone new to his bed a few days after avoiding Jongin and it feels too weird because of how long it has been. He’s too used to being with Jongin. He fails to get it up for reasons he can’t explain and has to ask the woman to leave– she’s not in the least bit impressed, but she doesn’t fret or yell profanities at him.

He walks her and has the decency to call and pay for a taxi to take her back to her destination.

He stands under the shower long enough for his skin to become wrinkly afterwards and the water soon becomes cold before he calls Kyungsoo for the first time in weeks and it immediately goes to voicemail.

He finally grows some balls to text: I’m sorry for pestering you, I want us to talk. You know I always need you to tell me what you’re feeling for me to understand better so please. And sends it.

()()()()

Jongin is beautiful when he laughs, Chanyeol realizes this when he’s staring down at him in the dim lit bedroom. His expression is one of delight, mischievous even, and Chanyeol decides likes the way his face wrinkles up and the stretch of his lips.

He hasn’t said anything particularly funny, it’s a laugh comes out of nowhere and at first he’d been put off. That is until Jongin explained he laughs, sometimes uncontrollably, after he s and it had been ridiculous at first, but now he allows himself to smile.

“Sorry,” Jongin abruptly stops and flushes in embarrassment, looking away immediately.

“No, it’s alright,” Chanyeol assures him as he hands him the wipes. He thinks of saying something else, but stops himself and works on trying to get himself dressed as he shakes away the feeling growing in his chest.

Jongin is silent, it’s nothing new, but there’s something odd about it this time.

Chanyeol doesn’t stop himself from leaning over him, he’s already under the covers with his back towards him. Why does he even care? “Are you ill?” He asks against his better judgement and receives a soft no in return.

He stays where he is, with his hand over Jongin’s hip and wonders what he should do now. Should he just walk out? Should he ask Jongin what is bothering him? Does he even care or is he pretending to?

“Chanyeol,” Jongin calls him, but doesn’t wait for his reply, “What do you think of me?” The questions comes from nowhere and he falls silent as he stares down at Jongin: wrecking his brain for what appropriate comment to make.

He swallows, uncomfortable, “Does it matter?” Because clearly Jongin knows where they both stand.

“Yes,” The response is immediate and there’s sudden quietness around them, it’s uneasy and Chanyeol steps back from the bed with a sigh. He tucks his hands into his pockets after pulling his pants up and frowns– so much for Jongin not demanding more than he can give.

“Is this going to be a problem?” Chanyeol manages to ask, he doesn’t conceal how annoyed he feels and it pours into his tone. He doesn’t know how to talk to Jongin, how to have a normal conversation that doesn’t require him to be rude or indifferent and it’s weird. “Tell me now–”

“It won’t be a problem.” Jongin mutters before rolling over to look at Chanyeol from where he lays and seems to look right through him for a moment and Chanyeol ignores the flutter that comes in his heart. “You told me you were divorced the first time I met you,” He quickly adds in before Chanyeol can get a word in, “Is Kyungsoo your ex-husband? You kept begging me to call–”

“Jongin,” Chanyeol calls and his voice is dangerously low so much so that he scares himself a bit. “Shut up.” He says because Jongin is trying to cross boundaries Chanyeol hasn’t given him the right to cross and it touches a nerve.

“What you and I have is and that’s where it ends between us.” He feels the need to add and watches how Jongin’s eyes drop away from him. “Are we clear?” He asks drily.

Jongin sits up, searches the bed for his shirt and slips it on before grabbing his sweats and doing the same. “Aren’t you tired?” He questions suddenly and Chanyeol is rooted to where he stands, unable to answer him. Jongin shrugs and turns to look at him and Chanyeol’s breathe catches in his throat. “I think I would be tired and lonely.”

He inhales deeply to calm himself down because he doesn’t want to act a fool, “You’ve got me all figured out, is that right?” His own voice is alien to his ears because of how defence he suddenly feels and his blood starts boiling.

“You’re easy to read,” Jongin says and Chanyeol flinches, “And I like that about you.” He murmurs, “I can’t tell if that’s a good thing because my choices lately have been dubious,” He breathes in and stalks towards Chanyeol, steps backwards when he’s within reach and sits on the edge of the bed. “Taemin says it’s the hormones,”

“What?” Hormones– what?

Jongin doesn’t face him, “I’m pregnant.” He whispers and Chanyeol’s whole body tenses. His breath catches in his throat and he’s unable to comprehend what he has been told. It’s suddenly cold in the room and he doesn’t think his ears are working as they should.

The silence is enough to suffocate him, “What the are you saying…?” He bites out harshly.

“I’m pregnant,” Jongin doesn’t move to look at him and Chanyeol feels like the ground has been pulled from under him. Because this isn’t something he has expected to hear from anyone else and the only person he has heard these words from was Kyungsoo– and it has always been Kyungsoo who has uttered this words to him and he has never pictured anyone else.

His head starts to hurt and he can’t think. He wants to scream that he has always been careful so what the is Jongin talking about? The words die on his tongue when he remembers Yura’s wedding and his eyes widen in realization– Oh, no. “What–” He starts and Jongin is quick to interrupt him. He says it again, Chanyeol feels worse and disgusted with himself, and it’s almost hard to hear him, but he sounds scared.

And then Chanyeol is thrown back to the first time Kyungsoo had revealed he was pregnant, how scared he had been when the results were positive and how he didn’t try to show he was scared, but being with someone for so long, you learn to read between the lines.

He loses the power he had earlier: the power to get out of the bedroom, pick up his satchel that he has a habit of leaving on the couch and to call for a taxi. He loses all that power when Jongin breaks down with his head in his hands.

This isn’t a position he has ever dreamt of finding himself in and it throws him off and his mind is in shambles now. He stands there, leaning over Jongin in shock and listening to the man he has been ing over the last few weeks suddenly crying his eyes out.

And then the thought slams into him, he has no idea who Jongin is. Doesn’t know how old he is, his occupation and the only person he can tell knows Jongin is Taemin and that’s all. Not knowing much about the person you’re sleeping with is something he has held as a priority and now he’s regretting it.

But even after so many weeks and with any other person this wouldn’t bother him at all, but this is Jongin and him crying is something he hasn’t imagined he’d ever hear or see and there’s an ache in his heart at the sounds the come from him.

Jongin is someone he has honestly come to tolerate more than the others over the last weeks, he’s not even able to lie to himself in the moment as Jongin’s sobs just get louder.

What are they even? They sure as hell aren’t anything and don’t do anything else, but warm each other’s beds.

“I thought I could ignore it, but I’ll be showing soon and it’ll be obvious,” He says between sobs, “I knew. I knew, but I started to like you– I thought it would go away–” He’s trembling as he cries and he never once looks up at Chanyeol. “And I wanted to feel needed–” He abruptly stops talking and his shoulders are tense, but still shaking and the sobs come to a slow as if he just realized now that he’s crying.

Chanyeol shouldn’t feel obligated to listen to anymore: he should turn around and walk away because this is a nightmare. “Think about what you’re saying,” His voice isn’t as hard as he wants it to be and Chanyeol is scared because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if it’s as Jongin says it is.

“Jongin, think about what you’re saying to me,” He repeats and he sounds angrier as each second passes.

“Sorry,” He in a deep breath, “I wish I didn’t fall so easily, I’m always the one to get hurt– it’s okay, it’s okay.” Jongin cries out as if trying to assure himself that it’s alright and the ache in Chanyeol twists tighter and digs deeper, “We should stop and you don’t have to come back,” Jongin’s voice is wrecked with sobs, but Chanyeol hears him and still doesn’t move, glued to his spot in front of him as he looks down at him in disbelief and barely contained anger. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this–”

And he recoils violently back when Jongin says: “I’m not sure if it’s even yours.”

()()()()