pretend the errors don't exist lmfao and enjoy!!!

()()()()

Chanyeol flinches where he stands and he suddenly can’t think as his world spins around him– , he cannot think. He balls his hands into tight fists when his legs feel as though they are about to give out on him and puts his head in his hands and he just wants to scream– What is this? What the hell? What the ?

He moves the hands from his face and tries to control his breathing and the ever growing anger inside him. No need to get rattled, no need to get so rattled, Park Chanyeol. You don’t know him well enough to believe any of this. “ing– I ing swear if this is some kind of sick joke–” He’s unable to even finish the sentence because he feels as though the ground beneath him has just shattered and he’s falling.

These are circumstances he has never imagined himself in and Chanyeol honestly thinks he’s dreaming, but the tensing of his muscles, rapid beating of his heart and how he trembles tell him otherwise.

He has never been a violent person and he’s used to bottling up his anger perfectly, never one to throw start up a psychical fight, but this is different. His rage now is almost irrational and he needs something to break or someone he can ing slaughter or both.

But he needs to calm down. He needs to think rationally about this. He needs to ing calm down and not lash out.

With trembling legs and an equally quivering heart, Chanyeol slowly walks towards Jongin and settles down beside him. He wants planning to walk out just now, but his legs have a mind of their own and Chanyeol doesn’t have it in himself to stand up again.

The bed is comfortable, but he feels as though he is sitting on a rock. He places his elbows on his thighs and bury his head in his hands, trying to breathe and collect his thoughts, shoulders slump and the feeling of utter confusion is chewing up mercilessly inside him.

He has no idea what to say or how to react to this. There’s anger inside him, pure frustration at himself and Jongin, but he doesn’t want to express any of it because he won’t know what will happen. With so many feelings of chaos he has bottled up internally, whatever outcome after letting his emotions loose will not be a pretty sight to behold.

He doesn’t think he remembers much of what Jongin has said. Everything after I'm pregnant has sort of evaporated and all he can think about is Jongin dropping the one bomb he never expected from anyone else.

He won’t think about Kyungsoo. Not now, not in a situation like this. Never in a situation like this where he knows he won’t be able think correctly. Never wants to think about Kyungsoo in a position that almost has him losing his mind and screaming until his lungs collapse inside him.

Jongin is edgy and tight-lipped beside him– Chanyeol hears the occasional sniffles here and there–and he offers nothing to settle his mind. He doesn’t have it in him to start comforting Jongin. He can’t and he won’t– he can barely think and he doesn’t know what he’ll say now.

He doesn’t know how to start a conversation like this with him, doesn’t know how to continue talking. He’s afraid his voice will fail on him and he’ll look like the fool he is because he has never really had to properly talk to Jongin about anything serious or special.

He doesn’t know how to talk to a man he has been ing for weeks– months now. His longest conversations with Jongin are always to put him in check and make sure they’re on the same page and this situation– and Jongin’s obvious feelings for him– tell him that they have never been on the same page.

Chanyeol knew this, but he kept going and continued pushing because he wanted some satisfaction of having someone to be his plaything. He used Jongin’s feeling for him to his advantage and , he’s a horrible person. And all this is because he needed an outlet, an escape and now seeing what it has brought almost drives him mad with nerves.

“I’m sorry about this,” There is shakiness in Jongin’s voice and it’s throaty from the crying earlier.

His apology does nothing to soothe the mess in Chanyeol’s head or stop the trembling of his hands that he never wants anyone to see because he is too proud. And his pride has always been something he’ll never allow to waver, even now when his mind seems to be stuck in a disaster.

It’s the same kind of arrogance Kyungsoo has told him numerous times makes him difficult him deal with: that his personality takes some getting used to. And that was always during the few petty arguments they had back then.

He moves his head from his hands and stares at how much his fingers continue to shake. Why is he so scared? “Is it mine?” He forces out, and feels embarrassed because his voice brings out just how scared he is.

“I don’t know,” It’s a response he doesn’t hope to hear.

“Who else?” He won’t ever admit the heaviness in his chest and he feels selfish for it. Did he really think Jongin was all his alone? That Jongin was waiting on him hand and foot– because he’s unable to shield his feelings– means he’s the only one? That he had no one else to call for a quick but him? Why does the thought bother him? Does he care at all?

“What…?” Jongin whispers, breaking him out of his thoughts and Chanyeol glances over at him, and Jongin is fiddling with the hem of his shirt nervously, occasionally wiping at his eyes even though Chanyeol knows the tears are long gone now.

“If you’re not sure, who else is there and do they know this?” He snaps harsher than he intended, pushing away his personal feelings and trying his hardest not to start screaming out demands.

This isn’t his home and Chanyeol is positive Taemin is around the apartment somewhere. He doesn’t need him shoving himself into this even though he has a feeling Jongin’s roommate already knows about this.

Taemin’s sudden hostility makes a little bit of sense, but Chanyeol doesn’t think he deserves that kind of hostility. “I can’t tell him.” Jongin breathes out and his voice shakes as he keeps talking. “He wasn’t serious,” He trails off and swallows, “About us– me,” He shudders before going on, “I haven’t been with him or anyone else after you,” He finishes abruptly and Chanyeol wishes to stand up from where he sits but can’t find the strength to do so.

He can only blink– this isn’t the kind of answer he wants to hear. This uncertainness over something like this– something this serious and something like this will surely him up and he barely can contain himself from yelling– Wasn’t serious about you? You think I’m any better? He wants to keep shouting, but doesn’t and goes on to think; how could you be so ing careless? But he cries out in his mind and it also shouts back an answer relatively quickly– who are you to place your blame on him?

Jongin has no stopped shaking or sniffling, but he’s quiet and almost as though he wants to disappear from sight. But Chanyeol selfishly wants him to explain himself and actually waits for the explanation he knows won’t come.

This is ridiculous and it puts him in a position he has never wished for or dreamt of. I’m too calm, he thinks suddenly and it’s fairly true externally, but internally– he’s a complete ing mess and at a loss of what to do now.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin says again, voice quivers and Chanyeol looks away when he notices how much he’s struggling to smile through this and the tears forming in his eyes, “Look at me for less than a second and I’m all yours– that’s why I’m stupid,” Chanyeol closes his eyes and breathes out with a bit of a struggle. “I’m always so ing stupid.” He doesn’t know where Jongin is about to go with that sentence and he doesn’t want to hear any of it and wants to avoid another complete meltdown.

“I can’t,” Chanyeol chokes out painfully, “Not when I–” Not when I’m such a mess myself, he stops and doesn’t bother to continue it verbally.

“Chanyeol,” Jongin murmurs, more to himself, “You don’t have to believe me. I don’t want anything from you,” He says it and Chanyeol turns to face him again and only this time– he lets his anger grace his features because Jongin’s last sentence triggers it to surface.

He whirls on him and snarls, “Then why did you tell me if you don’t want anything from me? You’re not sure it’s even mine.” He scowls, “And I don’t know you well enough to believe what you’re saying to me,”

Jongin keeps quiet. Chanyeol hates that he can’t even snap back at him or tell him that he’s wrong. He doesn’t defend himself. Why does he let Chanyeol talk to him like this?

“It’s not mine, Jongin.” He says sternly and it’s out of pure frustration and he doesn’t know Jongin well enough to even trust and take his word for it so he goes on to say: “For all I know– you might be a trying to pin this on me.” He feels like for saying because it’s unjustified and uncalled for, but he can’t take it back so he doesn’t try to or apologise for it.

Chanyeol hears the sharp intake of breath before the response, “Oh,” Jongin’s voice is lower and worn-out, “Chanyeol…” His voice breaks and there’s a cracked laugh that escapes him before he tells him, “I need you to leave.”

Chanyeol stands up, feeling like an , but he doesn’t correct his words, and his mind swims and he feels like the heaviest man on the planet. He sways on his feet as though he has had one too many and he stumbles towards the door without looking back at Jongin.

He steps out of the bedroom and everything slams into him when he leans against the wall. Why? Just why this and why now and Jongin?

His heart clenches: who else knows about this and what happens now?

He doesn’t allow himself to think beyond that as anger takes over as he uses the rest of his built up energy to slam his fist into the wall. And it’s a stupid thing of him to do because his hand starts to ache badly and he hisses, but it’s a distraction and Chanyeol lets himself feel the hurt.

“It’s not mine,” Chanyeol whispers under his breath, nervous and too silent to be heard as he focuses on his now reddened knuckles. “It can’t be mine. It’s not mine,” He cuddles his hand to his chest, to soothe his pain and comfort his rattled thoughts.

He is completely numb now, mind racing because he has never imagined this in his wildest nightmares. He has never thought of something like that happening to him– he has always been careful so why? Just that one time at Yura’s wedding is the cause of this?

Jongin isn’t sure– Jongin doesn’t know if it’s his and Chanyeol’s whole body suddenly goes cold.
The not knowing really will drive him absolutely mad. “It’s not mine.” He says quietly as the numbness in him grows. Because there was someone else before him and he holds that to his reasoning.

Chanyeol pushes himself off the wall, he ignores how weak he feels and almost laughs at himself for how pathetic he is being. He doesn’t look back at Jongin’s room when he makes his way– dragging his feet and carrying his body that feels too heavy for him now– to the exit. He fails to identify the emotion he feels welling up inside him, his mind wanders blankly an aimlessly as he stalks over to the elevator with a defiant look on his face.

()()()()

The door is still open when Chanyeol cries– a little. He drops the act, the act of anger when he’s in the privacy of his own him and for the first time in years. Tears finally well up and stream down his cheeks, he feels his heart breaking and he doesn’t know– he just doesn’t know anymore. And he feels foolish for it because he doesn’t even understand or care to understand why he’s crying like a small wounded child.

But he knows it has something to do with how hopeless he feels now and how alone and just how he just doesn’t know how to handle this situation properly because this situation is like thunder and it shakes him to core.

Chanyeol is afraid.

He doesn’t want to think about children, has never planned to have them with anyone else and the thought of pregnancy just brings on another wave of terror and solid fear that he hasn’t felt in a long time.

The last time he felt like this was when Kyungsoo told him he was pregnant– the situation now and then are different, so is the person revealing this to him– but the feelings of fear are the same and Chanyeol doesn’t remember how he managed to keep it under the wraps back then, but there’s no one here and he’s alone so he allows himself to feel.

But there’s no satisfaction in allowing himself this and it pains and confuses him even more.

What should he do now?

()()()()

The following week that comes deals with him being distraction by work as he willing works overtime instead of going home. He snaps at Minseok once or twice during that week and the other of their co-workers start to eye him warily.

The looks become too familiar, they start giving him flashbacks of the past and Chanyeol finally gets off work on time when the next week rolls around because the stares become unbearable.

But he locks himself in his house– his phone always on silence and only answers to his mother, sister and Baekhyun and tries to act as normal as possible, but sometimes he can’t help the snappish moments that get him chewed out by all three over the phone in the end.

Jongin never once contacts him. No message, no phone call. And Chanyeol is just now, after weeks, questioning himself if he should do something about it. If he should act or just not do anything about it– if he should pretend he doesn’t know. It will eat him up eventually. But after the last thing he said to Jongin– it’s no surprise that he’s nervous and ashamed of himself to even pick up his phone and dial his number.

But what after that? Chances are that– he grits his teeth, “It’s not mine,” It’s out of habit now, almost an art form, and he forces his voice to be steady as he says it, but then there’s this directionless guilt that grows within him because what if? What if it’s his and he is spending all his time denying it? He doesn't know how any of this works. It’s impossible to know that now until after the child’s birth– or is it possible? He hasn’t exactly flipped through a book of How To Found Out If The Unborn Baby Is Really Yours booklet– if one even exists. But he knows for a fact that it’ll only work out if Jongin even approves of the tests.

What is he going to do with it if it turns out to be his? Fight for custody? Raise it with Jongin? Be involved? Abandon it? Does he even want it to be his? Not if it’s not part of Kyungsoo. And Chanyeol hates himself for all this.

Chanyeol winces and suddenly it all seems as though he’s back in the hospital, by Kyungsoo’s bedside and wishing that all goes well. That maybe this time they’ll be able to make it and hold their child– and go well it didn’t not and that was the last time they tried for another one.

There’s only so much beating down you can take before you finally call quits and decide that it’ll be fine without a child. We don’t need to have a kid to be happy– just the two of us, huh? Or adoption! He remembers saying to Kyungsoo, weeks after their last try. That thought lasts for a few months and the divorce that follows isn’t unexpected, it’s unwanted for him, but not unexpected because neither was happy.

Too many memories, too many struggles and pain– that either builds up a stronger relationship or breaks it up entirely.

Theirs breaks completely and Kyungsoo never speaks to him again after they walk out of the courthouse. He never attempts to contact him because there’s nothing connecting them. No child to fight over or make plans around– and there’s no civil how are you or I’ve missed you – it’s almost as though Kyungsoo has forgotten he exists. And the thought hurts like a .

He still remembers he tightly he held the pen as he signed his name on the divorce papers beside Kyungsoo’s. Kyungsoo never once looked his way. The divorce had been fairly clean, no children to fight over and everything they owned had was divided between them.

Should he have fought harder? For what? Kyungsoo had given up long before he did, he knows this now, and Chanyeol kept pushing, trying to salvage what little he could, what was left of them after all the stress and heartache and in the end it was all for nothing.

He stands by the doorway, the silence is overwhelming and he only moves when he realizes that he left the door open. He pushes it shut and locks it, toeing off his shoes and tossing his satchel carelessly to the floor.

His phone is heavy in his right pocket and Chanyeol does his best to avoid pulling it out. He doesn’t want to call or talk to anyone else– he wants to be alone, but he has been alone for weeks now and it’s only a matter of time before his mother gets fed up with him cancelling out on the weekly dates with her.

Baekhyun won’t be back for a little while longer and that gives him mixed feelings. He wants his best friend around because Baekhyun is a great distraction and can be logical when the situation calls for it, and the same goes for his sister.

But he doesn’t want to tell them any of this. His mother is old-fashioned and still believes in the notion of marriage before children. And Chanyeol had done it right the first time with Kyungsoo, even though no children lived.

He’d rather not give her or any of them that kind of false hope because he knows she hopes for grandchildren, but isn’t insensitive enough to start demanding it out of him– and his sister, Yura, is too caught up with her husband and not ready to settle down and have children take over their lives.

Chanyeol ignores that last part, always, pretends he hasn’t heard it and that it doesn’t affect him as much– but it does–and either goes on with their conversation or hangs up– Yura apologies about her words immediately and it’s easy to forgive her now than it had been before.

He also doesn’t know how to even go around explaining this whole relation he has– had?– with Jongin. That’s another thing he doesn’t want to think about, especially after their last meet, and there’s an emptiness inside him and he can’t be alone– he doesn’t want to be alone right now.

But the last time he felt like this, the need to not be alone– he ended up in Jongin’s bed. That’s not an option now and Chanyeol takes a moment to collect his thoughts before shutting the door, locking it behind him and entering further into his quiet home in slow calculated steps.