Ignore typos bcuz it’s late and idgaf lmao

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On some nights when he wakes up feeling lonely, he immediately reaches to feel the right side of his bed. Often times imagining Kyungsoo laying there before the illusion dies as soon as it finishes taunting him and he’s left feeling cold and his heart aches, heartstrings tighten ever so slightly and his eyes sting– it’s been a while since he has woken up with the need to just cry.

He blinks the tears away and listens calmly to the sound of the morning. He’s gone past what people can forgive and sometimes he thinks of what Kyungsoo would say if he could see him now or if he somehow finds out about the he has been up to whilst still claiming to love him. He won’t be pleased about it, will never forgive him for it and he knows this deep inside him, but Chanyeol is so far gone– he doesn’t know how to stop anymore even though he does listen to Baekhyun’s suggestions and sometimes his mother’s.

To find someone else to fall for– , that’s not easy. Not for him. Because he’d struggled to get Kyungsoo to notice him, worked hard to keep the relationship still going during all the miscarriages– until it all got too much and he couldn’t handle anymore hardships.

Now it’s as though all the effort he put meant nothing because he decided, stupidly, to give Kyungsoo space.

He wants to fix them, to hold Kyungsoo to him and tell him all the things he couldn’t say back then because of how emotionally distant he had allowed himself to became. Because he’d been stupid and thought Kyungsoo needed to be left alone.

There’s no taking those days back, no turning or rewinding back to where fixing things would have been simple.

He wishes he can turn back time to when his appalling habit started– just so he can tell himself to stop after the first time he allowed himself to around because now he can’t take it all back. And stopping is out of the question; ing his stress away in others helps than talking about his feelings.

He doesn’t understand who he is and he hopes Kyungsoo can help him understand himself better because it’s ridiculous how lost one can feel.

He has been to a therapist a year after the divorce– it never worked out and he realized he was only wasting money down the toilet. He never shared anything, never gave much away and spent most of the hour with his therapist staring at her and enjoying how she squirmed because he wouldn’t budge.

He gave it up after six months– he only stayed that long because his mother had strongly insisted that he keeps trying. Now she has stopped mentioning therapy or ‘someone to talk to’ because she knows it’s pointless– he knows himself enough to know he won’t talk to a therapist again.

And he knows he’s insufferable to be around because he angry at himself and what has happened to him. He doesn’t blame himself for the failed pregnancies, but he blames himself for his marriage falling apart right before him because he let it fall apart.

Chanyeol blinks slowly and pulls out his phone from the pillow beside him– he squints at his too bright screen– he needs to get up and get ready for work. He hasn’t gotten much sleep these days because of he’s anxious. Baekhyun hasn’t made a move to contact Kyungsoo yet and Chanyeol isn’t asking about it because he knows it’ll drive Baekhyun to refuse – he doesn’t like to be pressured especially because he’s against this idea.

The constant what ifs and what do I say to him? are loud in his mind and keep him awake. Sometimes he pictures Kyungsoo smiling up at him– the same smile he has so greatly missed and the brightness of his eyes that are painted in his brain when he thinks back to what exactly he loves about him.

He inhales deeply and his heart sinks because Kyungsoo’s familiar aftershave is gone and the sheets are newly washed. He groans softly into his pillow when he remembers he had someone over last night.

Baekhyun is gone and will be gone for a couple of days so Chanyeol took his chance to invite another stranger into his house, into bedroom– it’s happening less now because all he feels for himself now is disgust.

He releases a breath as he sits up in bed and swings his legs off. The moment his bare feet touch the ground, he shivers at the cold before standing and padding over to the bathroom. He stops in front of his mirror in the bathroom and sighs because of how tired he looks– the loneliness he’s starting to feel creep into his chest is almost enough to strangle him.

()()()()

He leaves work in the late afternoon, forces himself to hang out with Minseok, the only person he tolerates at his IT job, and the rest of his co-workers. They eat out at the restaurant and chatter away about things Chanyeol isn’t interested in but doesn’t want to burst their bubble and ruin the experience for them.

It’s a little annoying that they keep insisting for him to hang out with them more– he sees them longer than he’d like because of work. They aren’t bad people, no, but they have seen him at his absolute worst– back when he was a bit of a bum and barely had the energy to deal with them or his own boss or take a decent shower because of his runs between his job, the house and Kyungsoo’s hospital room and the pharmacy. Sometimes the bar to drink himself silly.

That fact that they’ve seen him that low makes him want to pull away from them. They never talk about it or ask and he knows some of them are itching for him to tell them what was up or for him to burst into flames of countless emotions.

“Thanks for this,” He mumbles as he shakily pulls out the amount for his meal and places it beside his plate. He sways on his feet and chuckles a little because he’s a little tipsy off the wine– he had a little too much because he was all nerves and annoyed at some of the dry jokes they thought were hilarious amongst themselves.

“I can drive you home,” Minseok offers and Chanyeol brushes him off with a wave of his hand.

“I’m walking– house isn’t too far from here.” He answers as he slips away from the seat and grabs his bag before he can hear another protest.

He’s out of the restaurant and strolling down the street, shoulders hunched with his tucked into his pockets. It’s not long he has been outside from the restaurant when his phone goes off, he continues walking as he pulls it out and glances briefly at the incoming call. “Hey,” He mutters tiredly into the phone.

“You aren’t home yet?” Baekhyun asks, sounding out of breath, “, I almost missed my last bus!” He hisses and Chanyeol winces because why does Baekhyun have to scream into the phone.

“Hey,” He repeats, glancing around before walking over the zebra crossing and making it to the other side. “I’m on my way home,” He answers before adding, “Minseok and his friends insisted.”

Baekhyun scoffs, “I take it you weren’t in on it,” Voices coming from his side are loud and it’s a little annoying. There’s nothing from Baekhyun for a few moments before his voice comes again, “I spoke to Kyungsoo not too long ago,” He finally says and Chanyeol stops dead in his tracks, heart about to leap out of his chest and his hands start to feel clammy. “I’ve been trying to contact the little bastard, but he has been ignoring my calls–”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says as he remains standing on the pavement, having no idea what to do with himself until he gets the answer. “His answer?” He finally gathers the guts to ask and he feels his stomach rolling uncomfortably. Because he’s expecting rejection and he tries to brace himself for the blow.

Baekhyun breathes into the phone and Chanyeol can feel himself crumble a little, even before Baekhyun tells him the answer he has been expecting. “He’s stubborn, like you, I guess,” Baekhyun mutters gently, “And I can’t say this any other way to make it hurt less– he says he doesn’t want to see you,” He says in one breath and Chanyeol’s breath hitches. “I tried for you, but he says there’s nothing worth fixing before shutting me down–”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol whispers, afraid to raise his voice because of the tight lump in his throat. He hasn’t felt this broken in a while, everything has been numb compared to how he feels now. “Thanks,” He finds himself saying lightly, his voice doesn’t sound like his own.

“What? Chanyeol, wait–!” Chanyeol hangs up, remains staring unseeingly at his phone before going down his contact list and finding Kyungsoo’s name. His fingers move on their own accord and he places his phone against his ear as it rings.

And the fourth time he tries to call– the dull voice that answer him ‘the number you are trying to call–’ almost has him smashing his phone to pieces on the ground. Out of the sheer anger, so much anger that his hands shaking, but he controls himself because not in the privacy of his own home to rage and scream.

“ing hell!” He shouts and ignores how much he startles pass byers. He expected this, the rejection again, but he can’t protect himself from the emotions that come with rejection. “.” He hisses harshly as he glares at his phone and impatiently goes through his contacts. He blinks at the newly added number he has never felt that need to call– but it’s different this time.

()()()()

“…is everything okay with you?” The timid voice that comes from behind him breaks his train of thoughts. Chanyeol straightens his back and nods, never turning to look at him. His head is swimming and he had a little too much to drink with Jongin staring at him apprehensively and stopping him before he could get to his third one.

Chanyeol allowed himself the pleasure of losing himself between Jongin’s legs, right after listening to Jongin whispers of sweet nothing’s in his ear as he gently removed the beer bottle from his firm grip.

He doesn’t know what drove him to call Jongin anymore– was it the anger from Kyungsoo’s rejection to seeing him again, to repair their broken relationship or just his own desperation to forget Kyungsoo’s entire existence because it hurts too much to think of him now? Or maybe it was the few wines glasses he drunk with Minseok and the rest of their co-workers? Or the beers he drowned himself in when he was with Jongin staring at him until he couldn’t think straight anymore?

“Do you want to talk–”

He shakes his head before Jongin can finish, the action has him about to throw up all over the floor. “I didn’t come here to talk,” It takes him a few moments to compose himself. “And I got what I came here for,” He stands on wobbly legs before the fail him and he falls back onto the bed with a sharp whimper at his blurry vision.

He ignores Jongin’s eyes boring into him, “You don’t have to talk to me like that,” Jongin murmurs and Chanyeol turns to stare at him. He’s wearing the shirt and briefs he’d picked from the floor after he wiped himself clean before slipping back into bed– all while Chanyeol struggled to put him own clothes on.

“Like what?” Chanyeol snaps angrily, “There’s nothing keeping you from kicking me out of your bed if I’m out of line,” He narrows his eyes and his head swims, he groans weakly.

Jongin stares at him for a couple of seconds, as if calculating and trying to read through him. It makes Chanyeol anxious because he tends to wear his heart of his sleeve when he’s a little drunk. Jongin continues to eye him, “You can barely stand on your own so I won’t kick you out,” He says quietly before adding an even quieter, “And I’ll get lonely if you leave.” It’s blunt and honest and Chanyeol can’t handle honesty at the moment.

“I’m not here to cuddle with you or spend the night,” He decides to say because he doesn’t have an idea of how to respond to him. “I’m not here to help you feel less lonely or to be your–”

“You made that clear the first time,” Jongin interrupts him and looks away from him.

He wrecks his brain for how to respond to that and finds nothing to say. Chanyeol closes his eyes and against his better judgement, leans against the pillows. His energy completely drains out of him when the thoughts of just being unhappy attack him.

This are the kind of thoughts he wants to be thinking about when he’s alone, not with strangers. Jongin is almost out of the category of being a stranger, but Chanyeol doesn’t know him well enough to let himself relax.

But he’s a little drunk and tired. He’s not happy and he hasn’t been for a long time. Consciously sleeping around, it’s satisfying, but it got old after the first few months, but he kept on doing it, unable to keep himself away because of the relief. And sleeping around gives him a stupid sense of worth, like he’s worth something in that moment and once it’s all over– he’s left with nothing, but his heavy burdening feelings and his heart guarded a little more.

He cracks an eye open, tiredly stares at Jongin, who is looking down at him sadly. Chanyeol fully turns to look at him and tentatively reaches out to touch him. Jongin lets himself be touched, like he has been craving to be touched and that’s the vibe Chanyeol often gets from him. He rubs his thumb over the warm skin on Jongin’s warm cheek and ignores all rational thoughts.

He brushes his lips against Jongin’s chapped lips and they spend a number of minutes at each other’s face with Jongin half laying on top of him. And Chanyeol thinks it’s incredibly and utter stupid of him to allow this level of intimacy with someone he has no future plans with and doing this, whatever it is, with Jongin feels different than the others before him.

“I’ll call you later,” He promises between kisses because Jongin is one of the stupid ones. He’s one of the stupid ones because he’ll wait for his call. Chanyeol knows it’s wrong. But he’s hurt, drunk and his thoughts feel like they aren’t his own, but belonging to the monster in him.

When he pulls away and watches how Jongin’s eyes flutter open, and listens to the sound of him whimpering softly– Chanyeol’s hazy mind feels powerful, “More?” He whispers throatily as his hand snakes its way into Jongin’s briefs and Jongin answers by pressing himself even closer and spreading his legs just as easily as he did the first time.

Kyungsoo has him on an invisible string he can’t detach himself from and Chanyeol feels like doing the same with Jongin. Feels like putting Jongin on a string because Jongin is as stupid as he is– this makes no sense at all, but he flips Jongin easily onto his back and forgets and continues to whisper drunken sweet nothings against Jongin’s wet lips.

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