error are a must with me lmao enjoy!

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He only quits trying to contact him after calling Kyungsoo’s father out of sheer desperation and asking the man about his son– he had politely decline to let him know about his son’s whereabouts, and had asked Chanyeol to give Kyungsoo some time, but Chanyeol has had enough of Kyungsoo’s silence.

For a while he feels like drowning when he gives up on calling Kyungsoo’s number. Receiving no response from Kyungsoo breaks him more now than it had been before because Kyungsoo has to know just how desperate Chanyeol has been– still is.

But he can’t bring himself to be too angry at him. He can never hold a grudge against Kyungsoo– it’s impossible and time for hatred has always passed. Chanyeol does think it’ll be better for him if he hates Kyungsoo– something in him tells him what a joke he is for even entertaining the thought.

He wants them to work it out or just at very least– he just wants to talk to Kyungsoo, to see him and hear his voice again. Doesn’t Kyungsoo remember loving him at all? Why is he going out of his way to avoid Chanyeol so much? Has he thought of about him? Was it so easy to divorce him?

Is he seeing someone else? The thought of it has his insides twisting, the lump on his thought grows and he tightens the hold he has over the papers he has been blankly staring at.

Chanyeol wishes he–they– hadn’t given up so easily. Sure, they all saw it coming miles away– the divorce– but he doesn’t want to think about Kyungsoo dating anyone else and this is rich coming from him because what the has be himself been doing the last year? It’s not dating, but sleeping around isn’t any better.

They were married for god’s sake and went through multiple hardships that at one point strengthened their marriage before the seemingly continuous miscarriages, one after the other, broke them completely apart.

, Chanyeol just wants to see him again. Maybe they can work it out– he can hear Baekhyun’s familiar scoff and he knows he’s being ridiculous– both move on together from the past. The miscarriages are something he doesn’t think he’ll be able to forget or get over– they don’t even have to try again for kids if Kyungsoo accepts him– Kyungsoo is all he needs.

He thinks about where he went wrong with them and there are a lot of places in their relationship he went wrong. But why is it so hard? He often asks himself why he’s holding on so tightly on a thread that’s has already ceased to exist at this point.

His desperation is the kind nobody will ever feel sorry for– it’s an obsessive kind of desperation and when he reflects back on his actions– the phone calls, the voice messages and the one time at Yura’s wedding– he wants to flinch, lock himself in his house and never see the light of day again.

He has built his life around a life with Kyungsoo and their future kids– having it so shattered without any hope left him with no ground to walk on and nowhere to go. But how long can he go on feeling this hopeless? This anxiousness that he’ll never be able to call Kyungsoo his own again?

Falling in love with someone else is easier said than done. Nobody he has met has even rivalled or surpassed his feelings for Kyungsoo. And he has never tried to just let himself feel for someone else– he doesn’t want to allow himself to be that vulnerable again– to open up his heart and wear it on his sleeve for the other person to read.

Kyungsoo has always known him best– he doesn’t want to go through the process of making something out of nothing.

He’s afraid that whatever new relationship he builds, without Kyungsoo in it, will crumble because he knows he won’t been into it.

He sighs. He hates having thoughts like these at work.

It has been a few weeks since he got Kyungsoo’s answer from Baekhyun and his ability to function has been total . He goes through the many days and does his tech job on autopilot.

He agrees more to hanging out with Minseok and the rest because it provides a solid distraction than when he is in his own home alone, left to his own thoughts of just how depressed he feels as the clock ticktocks away.

He lowers the count of how many people he brings home for quick s, he stops actively looking for people to sleep with at every chance he gets.

But his thumb is always over a number he’s all too familiar with now when he’s in the mood for an easy lay and not about to start chasing after someone new and Jongin is all too eager to please him– the massive crush Jongin has on him and inexperience is too obvious to ignore.

Chanyeol does nothing to address because it gives him a sense of control on how everything works between them.

But he doesn’t understand why Jongin seems to feel the way he does because there’s nothing to love about him. And Jongin has made it already aware that he knows Chanyeol’s intentions, but he doesn’t push him away or ever verbally demand for more than Chanyeol can give him.

Chanyeol doesn’t even know what Kyungsoo loved about him when they were together– he knows what he loves about Kyungsoo and the list is pretty much endless.

Sometimes Chanyeol can’t help but compare Kyungsoo and Jongin because as much as he never wants to admit it– he’s become fond of having Jongin waiting on him hand and foot.

Jongin is timid and Kyungsoo is not. And Kyungsoo always comes out the best when he is done comparing.

But Chanyeol doesn’t understand Jongin and something in him itches to just ask Jongin about everything and nothing at all because he’s curious and he wants to know. Jongin is hard to read, like Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol is a little afraid of what he might find if Jongin lets him in.

“Data on the new software,” Minseok breaks him out of his thoughts and Chanyeol stares up at him from where he stands. He gets a hold of the file Minseok has stretched out, “Thanks,” He says as he flips through the file.

“The guys are done– are you coming?” Minseok quickly adds and Chanyeol looks up from the paper. He should start packing up and go home– but he doesn’t want to be in his house tonight.

“Some other time,” He answers and Minseok nods eagerly before stalking away to his own cubicle.

When Chanyeol turns back his attention to the computer’s screen– he finds he has been staring at a picture of Kyungsoo and the pang in his chest hurts more when he thinks back to the day he captured it.

“Get that thing out of my face, Chanyeol,” Chanyeol looked through the camera lenses to Kyungsoo, he sat on by the kitchen counter with a bowl of greens in front of him and narrowed his eyes up at him. “Now–”

“C’mere,” Chanyeol cut him off, but brought down the camera and stalked over to Kyungsoo– he wrapped his arm over his shoulders and pulled him closer. “I haven’t seen you this healthy in a long time,” He mumbled before he pressed a kiss at the side of Kyungsoo’s head, “And you haven’t been home in over two weeks– let me have this,”

Kyungsoo turned his face away from the camera and dropped the fork into his bowl. He glared, “The doctor wants me back in his office first thing Monday–”

“Please?” Chanyeol asked and received no response. “Let me have this and we’ll worry about that later.” He offered with a shrug. Anything to distract him and Kyungsoo from the tough decisions they would have to make before Monday morning.

“One picture,” Kyungsoo whispered and the expression of uneasiness on his face softened a little as he pushed the chair back and Chanyeol intently watched him lift his sweater. The bump was a little on the small, but it was perfect and there was warmth in his heart at the sight of it.

“Third time's a charm, right?” Chanyeol mumbled, the words tumbled out automatically without much thought and he felt stupid because this was the fourth time and possibly last. He held Kyungsoo’s gaze with a frown of his own. This one would to be alright– it’ll be fine, it’ll fine. He chanted, tried to wave away the fear that grew over with each passing moment in the last couple of weeks.

He is the last person to leave the building after a couple of hours, his back aching from sitting in the same position for too long and his eyes bloodshot because of the time he spent going through each individual computer to check on the new software that they installed earlier.

On his way home, he passes a bar– stops short before turning around and entering it because the memory from Before keeps replaying in his head and he wants it to stop.

“I can’t,” He says, his breathing uneven as he holds Jongin’s wrists lightly and pulls back to look at him. “I’m too drunk,” He whispers and he doesn’t know how he even got to Jongin’s apartment in the first place.

One moment he remembers being in the bar, downing a glass of vodka and the next he finds himself buried between Jongin’s legs. “I’m just so tired,” He continues sleepily and absentmindedly nuzzles Jongin’s face before going ahead to press kisses against his jaw.

“Sorry,” He whispers and when he tries to move Jongin moans quietly, “I can’t do this today,” He mutters as ruffles his hair in tired frustration and he doesn’t know what to expect– he sort of expects Jongin to protest, but all he’s met with is silence and a bewildered expression. “What?” He frowns because he doesn’t understand why Jongin is looking at him like that.

“It’s okay– I’m just surprised to hear you apologizing,” Jongin says finally as he breaks his wrists out of Chanyeol’s hold, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” He adds quickly and looks away from a second before looking back at Chanyeol in discomfort and breathing in deeply, “Can you– uh, can you pull out?”

“Oh,” Chanyeol’s mind is hazy and he’s confused until Jongin’s warm hands press against his abdomen to push him away. That’s when he notices the barely noticeable roundness on Jongin’s abdomen but he’s quickly distracted when Jongin speaks to him again.

“Is there anyone you want me to call?” He asks as he pulls a blanket to himself when Chanyeol moves away completely, slightly dazed from the alcohol.

Chanyeol blinks, head feeling heavy, “What?” He asks, mind blank and he feels slightly foolish when Jongin gives him a certain he has read on Kyungsoo plenty of times in the past.

“Is there anyone you want me to call?” Jongin repeats slowly and eyes him. Chanyeol doesn’t miss how he looks away from him when he tries to hold eye contact, he doesn’t miss the blush on Jongin’s cheeks in the dim lit bedroom.

And he so badly wants to break what’s laying underneath when it comes to Jongin. He won’t admit being scared of what he might find. 

He leans towards Jongin anyway, freezes for a solid few seconds before he brushes his lips against Jongin’s. It’s a gentle kiss and Chanyeol feels lightheaded and too comfortable– he thinks it has something to do with the alcohol.

“Taxi,” He says as he pulls back and he flops backwards on the bed and works the off his with a bit of a struggle because of his shaking hands– , why did he have to drink so much?

Jongin stutters and it’s all nonsense for a minute until he finally is able to say something that is coherent enough for Chanyeol’s drunk mind to understand. “I need your address,” Jongin starts shuffling about when he gets off the bed and it’s second later that the lights in the bedroom flip on. Chanyeol shuts his eyes tightly and drops the tied on the floor, meaning to pick it up later when he stands up to get dressed.

“,” He hisses as he rubs his eyes and plants himself into the pillow. The exhaustion slams into him and his body feels like a ton of bricks– he hears Jongin calling his name a couple of times but he fails to respond to him as the tiredness starts to catch up with him. “No taxi– please call–” He repeatedly mumbles something unintelligible before he’s out like a light.

He wakes up with a throbbing headache and groans into the pillow. He swallows drily and winces at the dryness of his throat and how heavy his head feels when he tries to lift it from the pillow. He opens his eyes and tries to blink away the blurriness. He’s in his room under his heavy covers and he doesn’t remember coming back here– he doesn’t remember the last thing he did or said last night. He remembers being with Jongin and stopped midway through over something his brain fails remember. Last night is a messy blur and his head aches now.

He rolls slowly on his back and winces at the awful hangover and fights back the urge to throw up. He sits up and is glad to find himself redressed sloppily in his clothes from the previous day. He shivers from the cold ground as he walks through his room to the door. He pauses for a moment as he goes through over why he’s even out of bed in the first place– he doesn’t have work today and he can always sleep off his hangover in bed.

But something has him itching to leave his bedroom, he turns the knob and pulls the door opens– everything is loud and so are his footsteps as he walks through his corridor and down the stairs. He pauses by the stairs when he sees someone sitting on his couch, all tense and upright. Baekhyun isn’t back yet and he’s definitely not that small and Chanyeol doesn’t get the luxury to start playing the guessing game because the person on the couch is standing and Chanyeol flinches back in surprise when he drinks in the face of the man he has missed terribly.

He struggles to breathe, “Kyungsoo?” 

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