As you could probably tell, this isn't an update. I just realized how many of you guys were subscribing to this story, and even though most aren't leaving comments, the fact you guys are subscribed to it is enough for me. Since I know that someone out there is enjoying what I deliver through the internet. I'd just like to take a moment t say thank you.

A few days ago, my friend and I were walking home and she decided to tell me something that's hard to say. She told me that she had social anxiety. She was diagnosed with general anxiety from birth, and starting from last year, she was diagnosed with social anxiety. She has trouble sleeping, presentations, and well, speaking in front of a class. Her sudden confession made me smile, but it also made me think.

I went home that day and I was thinking as I fell asleep. I thought of my past behaviours and everything in depth. I don't know why, but I went on my laptop and started researching about behavioural/personal disorders. From this point on, it gets really personal, and it was really hard for me to decide to write. The deciding factor that really pushed me to write it was my grade 11 teacher's words. He told us his past and his depression story. At first, I didn't think much of it, the why he was telling us. The next thing is the same reason why I'm coming out with my own personal story. He said, "The point of telling you guys this is that maybe my story can help you guys realize you might have an illness, but I'm mainly telling you guys this to tell you not to lose hope." As I mentioned before, from this point on, it gets personal. Please do respect my story, and if you have anything negative to say about it, just don't.

So, I was reading through the several illnesses and I felt an unomfortable feeling in my chest. I opened a new tab and searched up if there were possible tests I could do to satisfy my curiosity. I'm pretty sure everyone heard of the phrase that curiosity kills the cat. 

I finished the first test and as soon as I saw the results, I couldn't believe it. I scored high on Paranoid Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The ones I scored moderate was Schizotypal Disorder, Antisocial Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Histrionic Disorder and Dependent Disorder. The ones I scored low on were Schizoid Disorder, Narcissistic Disorder and Dependent Disorder. I was speechless, but hey, I just had to go and run more tests. Why? I don't know.

It's not 100%, but according to those tests, it said that I had Borderline Disorder and Paranoid Disorder. Various tests had different results, but these two were the most occuring, especially the Paranoid Disorder. I thought more and more about it, and I do admit I am kind of paranoid. I keep looking back or just get really scared at random moments. I'm for sure going to go see a professional about this soon. Now, for everything before the tests.

I'm going to start off by saying that this has been going on for an year. Well, it started before, when I was in grades 7 and 8, but I would only have momnts of it. It was only an year ago when it happened more frequent. I'm in my senior year of high school and ever since the start of the semester, I've been stressed out like crazy, and I'm pretty sure that it's the stress that's causing this. Anyways, in hope that this somehow helps you guys, I'll start my story.

When I was in elementary, it..was brutal - up until grade 9. I didn't consider myself pretty, and once grade 8 started, I wasn't the skinniest girl. I don't have any online pictures of me younger. I only have them in my photo albums. This is the most recent pictures of me. 

As I mentioned, I'm in my senior year, and compared to grade 7, I've lost quite a bit of weight. I'm still not really considered "skinny", but whatever. The reason why I showed you these pics, and even talking about body image in the first palce is that I believe my negative thoughts on body image is kind of what started my depression. 

In grade 9, I was pretty insecure of my body and face. Yup, you guessed why. I was the typical glasses with braces Asian. I guessed since I kind of knew about the styreotypes about Asian people, I guessed it flattened my confidence even more. I made a few friends here and there, which made me feel better than myself. Then, in my second semester of grade 9, this amazing guy decided to talk to me.  His name is David, and we became friends. Eventually, I started opening my heart up to him. The semester just passed by so quickly, and it was exams. It was my first time doing exams and I was nervous af. I didn't know what to do and I just started becoming so stressed. There was just too much content and it was too overbearing for me. I kind of gave up studying, literally a week before exams. I thought the world was going to end. I thought I had to repeat grade 9 and everything. Then, I didn't even know it, but I just started to feel sad; the same feelings from elementary were occuring again in grade 9. At this time, there is just one person I'd like to mention.

Her name is Mrs. Ranieri. She was my grade 9 math teacher, was my advanced funcions teacher, probably will be my calculous teacher and continue being my favourite teacher. She noticed how much stress I was in, and then after the weekend,  I just came into the class with no stress. Instead, I came in with a despair, and at that time I couldn't control my expressions well. Anyways, she asked me to stay after class. I was confused, but I did. She asked me about my state, and I didn't really want to say anything, so I simply told her that it was Monday and I was just really out of it. She didn't seem to believe me at first, but dismissed me anyways. By the end of the day, I found myself walking to the math workroom, asking for my teacher. I spilled everything. I mean everything, from how much stress I was feeling to the feeling of sadness and giving up. When I was done, she told me that it was depression, and its not good. She told me all about it, and then continued on, and she devoted her time in helping me study. I was getting a 75% before the exam, and I finished with a 78% in the course. Most of you might know, but in case some don't, its difficult to have a 3% raise, simply with an exam. I was thankful, and I still am. 

Ever since that, depression didn't occur again. I was having a smooth life, but of course, there are roadbumps on the road. It was in the middle of grade 10, second semester. I had religion (I go to a Catholic school, so its mandatory to graduate) with David. Everything was going well, but then a mutual friend of ours told him that I had a crush on him, after she promised she wouldn't. The next day, we just stopped talking, growing further apart. Even though I hadd other friends, I couldn't concentrate. Maybe it was because I was young, or maybe it was because I was foolish, or maybe it was because I fell hard for David, I started getting depressed from as the week went on. I believe it was grade 10 when I lost some weight. For breakfast, I would not eat more than banana, milk and honey grinded up into a milkshake. As for lunch and dinner, I would always eat only 3/4 of the given amount.

This time, it was different. I didn't have Mrs. Ranieri as a teacher. I didn't know how to contact her, not knowing her scheduale after school. Grade 10 was also the year when I went through my puberty phase. Yea, I was more emotional, but I became much "prettier". More importantly, I became my own person. I couldn't have done it on my own though. 

An important friend, Nicole, we became extremely close (we still are today) and she was there for me. She helped me become independent. She helped me become my own person. With her by my side and changes going on with what I thought, I was free from society. I didn't care much about it. I didn't care how people precieved me as, as much as I did in my previous years. By realizing it, and breaking through - becoming your own person, I escaped my depression. Me - 2. Depression - 0.

I eventually, no nevermind. Most likely, I won't really be able to get over David for a long time, but he drifted my mind for some time. I didn't really see him, and that really helped. The thing is, he's in one of my classess now and he sits right accross from me. I try to focus, but sometimes, I doze off because of the memories I shared and remembering how much liked him. This year is killing me. There's too much work.

I haven't had any signs of depression, which is beyond good. The only thing is, I'm becoming stressed and its only going worse. Instead of being depressed, its heightening other disorders I may have had. I guess it's kind of good since I can get it treated. Its better to discover it and get it treated faster, rather that being ignorant of it. 

So, that's my story. It's not all that bad, but we'll see how things go. I'm really trying hard to stay positive, getting farther away from depression. If you know anyone nearby you, I hope you do reach out to them, even helping them. The reason why comments make me smile is because it's so simple, yet so effective. I really appreciate the simplicity in things. Compliment someone, who knows? It might make their day. Don't want to go far as complimenting because it's kind of outside your comfort zone? No problem. Smile, it might cheer someone up. 

As my last statement, I would like to say this. If anyone wants to talk about some hardships, rant about your day, or even is going through the same thing I went through, please PM me. I'll leave my SNS for people who decide  that they want to. I noticed the longer you keep it to yourself, bottled up, it only gets worse. It doesn't have to be me, but just please, tell someone. You don't have to deal with it yourself, I'm here for you. I mean, I'm not really the one to judge. We can fight through this together!!

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