"Okay, remember, the key is-" Chanyeol began, but his exasperated sister quickly cut him off.
"-with Mrs. Kim, as always. And I'll be back before eight, and Mrs. Kim will tell you if I won't, even if she'll say she won't tell on me, because she's an adult and I must never trust adults that are not you." she monotonously completed the speech she'd memorized by heart at this point. Though Chanyeol wasn't sure whether he'd ever explicitly told her not to trust any adults at all. That cynic little girl. Not that he'd disagree, she was completely right - he, too, had zero faith in people priding themselves to be adults.
"Alright sweetie. You want me to-"
Sohee groaned, making a show of throwing her head back.
"I'll find the way, I visit Jennie all the time, Chanyeol please. You should just go to work."
It painted a bitter, little grin on Chanyeol's face. If she was like this, (way too) relaxed and reckless, she reminded him of their mother. Still, Sohee was different, and he was convinced that if he'd support and guide her, the traits wouldn't develop like they had in his mother. Wherever that woman was right now.
His thoughts were confirmed right after, when little Sohee patted his jeans almost patronizingly.
"It's okay, you can take me to her next time, when you don't have to work." she promised him with earnest comfort lacing her voice. Chanyeol smiled, ruffled her hair (under vivid protest) and sent her off. The door had barely closed when Chanyeol grabbed his things, getting ready for work. Being alone in his apartment tended to get him all thoughtful, but today his thoughts were occupied by something else. Someone else.
A couple minutes later he had his bag slung over one shoulder, packed orange juice in one hand and the keys in his other, striding towards the door... just to stop in the cramped hallway. He hesitated for a split second, before slowly turning towards one of the shelves. There, on the topmost layer, exceeding even his eye level, Chanyeol's fingers felt around the dust until they met cool metal. The picture frame he'd never had the heart to throw out. He gingerly took it in his hand to look at it. Just a few weeks ago, the frame had been covered in dust. Now, plenty of finger prints were scattered around the frame, clean spots almost tainting the artwork those grey particles had created. Chanyeol simply looked at it for a long time, expression unreadable.

 

The first fingerprints had been added in the wee hours of the morning, a few weeks ago.

The train ride back from the cosplay convention had been rather quiet. Kyungsoo and his friends were exhausted, half-dozing on each others shoulders. Kyungsoo seemed determined to stay awake for Chanyeol, and so he'd faked needing a nap himself, to give him a break. Not that he could possibly sleep after the previous revelation.
You think it's fun? You think I enjoy running after someone who's not the least bit interested?
Who's even straight? It's not, okay?
Kyungsoo liked him. In a romantic way. He couldn't help rewinding all the moments he could recall spending with Kyungsoo, wondering whether he'd done so all along. He vaguely remembered the time where Kyungsoo had asked him whether he, Chanyeol, could see the possibility of liking Kyungsoo. Back then, his sobered up self had belatedly second-guessed the whole point of this question for most of his following shift, wondering whether the tacit boy was actually interested in him. Ultimately dismissing it, blaming it on the alcohol. If only he'd been less... stupid, Chanyeol thought, feeling the urge to facepalm. He'd always wanted Kyungsoo to relax around him. Ever since he'd seen him snarkily lecture his co-students on homouality, he'd wanted to get to know this Kyungsoo. When this didn't seem to happen anytime soon, Chanyeol had begun to assume that Kyungsoo just didn't want them to be closer, or needed much more time, for that matter. Now he knew better.
Kyungsoo liked him.
...but why did this revelation make him feel so sad?

In record time, Chanyeol had slipped out of his cosplay, taken a shower and all but ran to the karaoke bar, arriving just in time for his late night shift, still feeling exceptionally gloomy. Leo was there already, prim and proper as always, and Chanyeol gave him his best smile, though it must have looked pitiful. For once, the silence between them was rather heavy as they both stood behind the counter, occasionally checking in guests or catering food. An hour into the shift had Chanyeol burying his face in his arms in a moment of weakness. Instead of scolding him like usual, his quiet coworker placed a cup of steaming tea on the counter, rousing Chanyeol from his thoughts.
He huffed out a quiet laugh.
"Don't you think I might fall asleep?" he tried to joke, but it lacked the usual genuity. Leo didn't look down at him from where he stood orderly.
"You already look half-asleep." he simply said, and with a shrug, Chanyeol sat up straight to take the rare gesture of affection.
Leo didn't speak up again until the cup was mostly empty.
"What's wrong?"
It was curt, but not unkind, because Leo really wasn't a bad guy.
Chanyeol thought of his answer carefully, because god may protect you if you bombarded Leo with a messy flow of thoughts, only to realize...
"I don't know." he admitted, mildly confused himself.
Kyungsoo liked him. Why would he be sad about that? He should rather be flustered. Embarrassed for not realizing it sooner, maybe even guilty for not really having considered it before, but sad? Why? It wasn't even about the fact that Kyungsoo was a guy - Chanyeol might not be the most eloquent person, but it felt like he wasn't even ready to think about that yet, like he was struggling with something even more basic. But what?

He had no idea how much time had passed when Leo's voice reminded him of their conversation.
"Take your time to find out. Don't do anything stupid if you're not perfectly sure what you want."
It was a rather general, but heartfelt advise, and it hit home. Chanyeol spent the rest of his shift thinking about it. The answer came to him at half past five AM, on his way home. And when he'd tip-toed into his apartment that was illuminated by the dusty colors of dawn, he fumbled around the shelf. For the frame. The frame depicting Chanyeol himself, merrily posing next to a blonde girl, whose dark eyes seemed to twinkle, even in this static picture.

 

People might have called them high school sweethearts, though Chanyeol couldn't help being a little bitter about his past. Her name was Lisa, and really, using the past tense for this shouldn't be right, since she was still very much alive and kicking - though Chanyeol had stopped stalking her Kakaotalk profile pic and signatures years ago.
Overall carefree and just fun to be around, Chanyeol and Lisa had just clicked the moment they had entered the same classroom. Not a week had passed before they'd become friends, and a year after, sixteen-year-old Chanyeol mustered up the courage for an awkward confession, receiving an awkward reply and just like that, they'd become a couple. Their hangouts were still hangouts and not 'dates', though Chanyeol would make it a point to treat her once in awhile. They shared stories, kisses, and ultimately their bed, too. Sometimes, Chanyeol would lie awake at night, feeling awed at his own luck.
It was a sweet and simple story. Unfortunately, there were only very few sweet elements in Chanyeol's life, and soon enough, everything went down the drain, when he returned for summer break after successfully wrapping up his first semester at university. What had started out as a simple holiday for his mother slowly turned to a permanent absence where frequent calls and messages were brushed off, and ultimately ignored altogether.
Chanyeol tried getting it all under control. But no matter how diligently he worked, it soon turned out impossible to juggle university, a well-paying part time job, and being there for his sister. And really, he'd tried so hard, refusing to acknowledge reality until he was faced with several failed subjects, an empty fridge... and the sad look on his girlfriend's face, as she subtly dug her hands into her own upper arms, firmly meeting his eyes.
We just kinda estranged ourselves. We don't really care anymore, so...
it would be better to just stop this, don't you think?
Her words had been nice, and yet it was obviously Chanyeol's fault, and maybe they both knew it. Because at the end of the day, Chanyeol hadn't valued their relationship in the way he should've; didn't express his thoughts when he should have, encouraged the distance between them to grow. Lisa had never failed to offer her support, but Chanyeol had been too proud to accept. Too anxious, too guilty, blinded by responsibility.
Yes, Chanyeol knew it was his fault, and now the distance was there - like an invisible, impenetrable barrier.
We don't really care anymore.
Chanyeol maybe more so than her, but even though the blonde looked genuinely sad, there was also resignation in her eyes. She'd given up on him, and Chanyeol would never hold it against her.
After all, he didn't even put up an actual fight. He just... let it happen.
He was sad, but Chanyeol told himself that he should concentrate on getting his life balanced; on the more important matters.
At the age of nineteen, Chanyeol abandoned his studies, moved back in with his sister and got a job.
Lisa had offered to stay friends, and Chanyeol knew she meant it. Knew she'd even be there for him should he ever need something, because she was a good person like that. Again, Chanyeol ruined it by distancing himself completely, not contacting her ever again. Running away from his own, deeply-rooted shame and guilt over letting go that easily and not regretting it as much as he should.

Now, two years later, he looked at the framed picture, thumb running over the glass to take the dusty film off his ex girlfriend's face. He hadn't been the person she'd deserved. He'd ed up big time. And now he'd heard Kyungsoo's confession, and after figuring out what made him uneasy, he could now clearly identify his negative feelings. It wasn't necessarily sadness, though the reminder of his past mistakes left a clear, bitter taste.
It was fear. Because Chanyeol wasn't a good person, and if he'd had to choose again, he knew he wouldn't choose Kyungsoo. He'd abandon him like he'd abandoned anyone, if it was for Sohee's sake.

 

Chanyeol distanced himself after that. Whenever Kyungsoo texted him, he'd make up an excuse, telling him his work was keeping him busy. He needed time to think, and maybe he was just running away all over again, hoping that Kyungsoo would soon relent and give up on him. He'd obviously underestimated the sturdy little fashion student, for Kyungsoo was nothing but understanding and patient, but also unrelenting. He'd ask him to meet up, but also sent him funny pictures once in awhile, screenshots of his work or latest dinner experiment, whatever was occupying the silent boy at the moment. He was putting him at ease, and it only spurred Chanyeol's guilt on.
On the other hand he thought a lot about Lisa, and around that time he made a decision. First of all, he couldn't just rush things. Like Leo had advised him to, he'd start at the root of the problem. On the very same day he covered 'Just be friends' on his guitar and uploaded it. A song that used to painfully clog his throat with negative emotions, since it perfectly described a sizzled-out relationship where one of the two finally decided to put an end to the obvious misery, though it really, really hurt. And the other proposed they just stay friends instead. That evening, he ultimately sent the link to the song to Lisa, along with a curt apology. He didn't want to be forgiven, for he'd certainly not forgive himself. He just wanted to let her know that he'd been in the wrong.
The moment he'd sent the message, another message of Kyungsoo came in, inviting him over to a friend's barbecue. Him and his sister. Maybe he was too high strung on emotions, maybe he was suffering from a lack of sleep or too much stress, but Chanyeol felt like crying over the simple text.
Kyungsoo, this small, inconspicuous guy... accepted him. He accepted the fact that Chanyeol and his little sister were a double deal, and even after getting dumped for weeks, he didn't budge even the tiniest bit. He didn't pressure him, didn't force his support on him, he simply waited. It made him feel incredibly safe and comfortable. As if he still had some control over everything.
He still wasn't sure where this was going, but he couldn't not take him up on the offer.
And now that he was aware of his initial apprehension... it was time to see beyond that and deal with the most obvious conflict. Namely that Kyungsoo was very much a man.
Chanyeol considered the idea of being with him very seriously, and he could already hear his friend Kyung double over in laughter. No, he told himself while shaking his head, he definitely had to figure this out on his own. He'd rather die than letting Park Kyung know about this.

 

"YOU'RE GAY?!"
Chanyeol hushed him, being infinitely grateful that Sohee was sleeping over at a friend's. Besides, he could already see the nasty grin melting into the incredulous expression.
"I didn't say that! I just. I just said that I'm a little confused, but not entirely averse to the idea-"
"Yeah, yeah, go ahead and call it bi-curiosity, if that makes you feel better- I can't believe you're gay. . This is hilarious!"
The brunet burst into bellowing laughter, probably spilling beer everywhere while Chanyeol glared at him from his end of the couch. Kyung was looking quite ugly when he laughed, a poorly consoling fact.
"Shut. Up." Chanyeol whined while whacking the other with a cushion until he yapped for air (because Kyung's condition was seriously ty). He did calm down eventually, in deep breaths of air.
"I guess that's the end of our bro-, huh? With me only getting it up for s and you for ." he finally rasped out, actually wasting his precious breath for this statement. Chanyeol grimaced and made a mock-retching sound.
"Ew. Just ew. I never agreed to any of this!" he protested, taking a deep swig of beer to clear his head from the terrifying images. For a second, he stared at the bottle in his hand, almost bewildered by its existence. Huh. Maybe, if he'd gone for juice instead, he wouldn't have spilled this little info in the first place.
"Oh man, such a killjoy." Kyung hummed good-naturedly, and for a few seconds, neither of them said a word. Chanyeol actually suspected him to come up with another ludicrous scenario the moment the other opened his mouth again, only to be proven wrong.
"Seriously though - are you into or no?" he asked instead, sounding actually intrigued. Though cringing at his choice of words, Chanyeol could only shrug.
"I don't know man. Just. I can't really picture it, but it doesn't seem disgusting or anything. I never felt appalled by the idea, but... yeah. I have no idea." he mumbled, and it was true. There had been countless instances where he'd thought of other men as handsome, but he'd always labeled it as a form of harmless admiration. Heck, he'd even thought of Kyungsoo as very attractive before... back then, when he'd slept over and fell asleep on his couch with his laptop perched in his lap, generous lips parted the slightest bit.
"Look, there's an easy way to find out," Kyung began, and Chanyeol knew where this was going, but wasn't quick enough to intervene in his current, pleasantly buzzed state, "if you watch , do you look at the guy or the girl?"
He sighed.
"I don't watch a lot of -"
"But if you do!" Kyung protested, and Chanyeol sighed even more obnoxiously and shrugged.
"The girl, I guess? Look, I can't even remember the last time I watched ." he defended himself, and it was Kyung's turn to roll his eyes.
"I know - are you even real, man? Anyway. So if you're that adamant on assuring me that you're not sure about being into guys... why are you even considering it?"
At this, Chanyeol paused.
Well. Because...
Kyung didn't wait for him to gather his wits and obnoxiously poked his chest.
"Because you like him, right?"
He was quick to avert his gaze and reached for the forgotten bowl of chips on the table, just to distract himself.
"Kyungsoo is just... a really nice person." he began hesitantly. "He's pretty introverted, but there's a lot going on inside his head. I feel like he's a very independent person, and even though he li- even though he's into me, he's still so... considerate? Pure? He's just this really good person and I'm not even sure I deserve this much attention. Like. I'm just... me." he finished his pathetic speech, hesitantly looking up at an unimpressed Kyung.
"So? You're just you, and I'm just me. And he's him. Who even determines who deserves what? You deserve everything, that's how it is." he said with perfect certainty, and it had Chanyeol smile. All the petty arguments and jokes aside, Kyung was his best friend for a reason.
"But now I'm like 'What if I give this a shot and it turns out I'm not into guys after all'? I would be the biggest for leading him on." Chanyeol added dejectedly, exploiting Kyung's rare display of (beer-induced) sincerity. With a genuine grin, Kyung patted his shoulder, speaking up in the perfect 'Look shorty, I am drunk and I'll explain you the world'-voice.
"You'd still like him without the prospect of ? Cause if so, it's worth a shot either way, aight?"


 

By now, the old picture frame was littered with fingerprints. Maybe not unlike Chanyeol's mind himself - all these fresh little incentives and thoughts chipping at his dormant self. Yes, it was probably time to move on.
Later, Kyungsoo would come over. Maybe they could watch one of Sohee's Dvds.
He tugged a little at his sleeve and used it to clean the frame until even the last bit of dust was lost, and his eyes roamed the happy couple shot, ultimately staying on Lisa's face.
He may have ruined things in the past, but not this time. He'd make her proud.
And with a small smile, Chanyeol placed the frame back on the shelf and hurried to get to work.

Phew.
This is only half-beta'd because my job was killing me this week...
So I'm late and this chapter is pretty serious, sorry for that. Still, it was long overdue - all the time there were allusions to Chanyeol's inner conflicts, but no opportunity to actually clear things up. Actually, there's a lot more to uncover, but this chapter was getting way too long already. I'll save it for future chapters~

Love,
Sugar-and-Salt ♥

 

P.S.: Why Lisa, you ask? Well, I'm seriously running out of female idols I know, and who are NOT part of this already, so... yeah. Also, don't think of her as 'the bad guy', please? Cause we know she's a bad GIRL c; *kidding*

P.P.S.: Sorry for the tragic misuse of a Got7 songtitle ('If You Do')