One last look at the beautiful ring dazzling under the light was able to make my heart sink again. It was too much of a reminder of everything here for me to keep, and would only make everything hurt more. I pulled it off and stuffed it in my pocket, planning to give it back to Chen for he could save it for someone else; someone much better and stronger than me. 

Someone who wouldn't hurt him.

It was hard to breathe. My heart ached, my head was spinning dizzily, and I felt like I was going to throw up.

Was this even the right decision? A part of me wanted to avoid him forever because I knew that I've already messed everything up, and because I didn't want it to come to an end at all. But we always have to do what we want to avoid most right?

Taking a deep breath to slow my shaking breathing, I hesitantly walked into the dance studio. I'd been watching Chen practice for a while now, working extra hard now to make up for the mess that I've created. Was this the right decision? How was I even supposed to fix this? What's been done can't be undone, and since the situation was already out of hand, this was the least I could do to try to fix it. 

Because I've done nothing but hurt him.

Chen looked up as he noticed me walking uncertainly into the studio. The song he was dancing to gradually quieted down as it came to an end. Swallowing anxiously, I tried not to think about how fitting this all seemed at the moment. That everything that starts has to end.

A flash of a tight-lipped smile, then he walked towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I could feel the tentativeness in his actions, but hugged him back tightly nonetheless. I was already missing the smell of him, the feel of having him in my arms, the way he held me so tenderly.

He ran a hand through my hair gently. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," I bit my bottom lip to stop from trembling. How I just wanted to stay like this forever...but forever doesn't exist. Everything has a beginning and an end, no matter if it's good or bad.

Pulling back slightly, I gazed into his deep eyes, trying to memorize all the fine details. Not EXO's Chen that the world sees on stage, but as Jongdae, the side that he only showed me. His eyes didn't seem to have their usual bright sparkle today though, but seemed concerned instead, like he knew something was on my mind.

"How have you been? A-are you alright?" He asked uncertainly, his worry for me making my heart ache all the more.

"I-I…" I couldn't do it. How could I?

"Listen, it's not your fault, Rachel. Don't blame yourself." He injected quickly, gently brushing the hair out of my face. "We just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time." He comforted me like he always did.

"Chen…maybe we should just take a break from each other for a while." There I finally said it. The words were out of my mouth before I even realized it, and I couldn't take them back no matter how much I wanted to at that moment. I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"W-what?" He asked, unable to hide the flash of pain and fear in his eyes.

"I just don't want to be a burden to you. Really, I want you and EXO to continue to be successful." The tears were about to spill out of my eyes, but I had to tell him what I planned to do, before another wave of emotion threatened to take over.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, so I took that as a sign to keep going.

"I'm going back to America tomorrow." I stated, avoiding his stare for I was afraid of what I'd find. Ducking down, I wiped my tears away discreetly with a flick of my hand. "I-I thought it was for the best. I don't belong here, Chen. I'll only mess things up even more than I already have. Maybe it'd be the best to just…disappear."

He was still silent in shock so I carefully stepped back from him and turned to go.

"That's not true," he said, voice shaking. I froze on the spot, wishing that it wouldn't be so painful. "But you…you were doing very well and you've already come so far."

"I'm too weak to do any of this. I'm not cut out for this, Chen." I whispered, the finally admitting the truth that I had tried to deny for so long. It didn't feel liberating or anything like that; I just felt numb inside, empty.

"Don't go, please Rachel, I need you. I need you by my side." He looked like he was on the verge of breaking down, and I was sure that I wasn't any better.

I shook my head silently. "I need you too, but EXO needs you more. You need to be strong for them; you need to always do your best so that you guys will continue to be successful. If I stay I'll only mess things up more. You need to be strong okay? Be strong for me, Chen, you're an amazing singer." The tears clouded my eyes completely, but even so, I was able to see the aching in his shining eyes.

"Is there any way I could convince you to stay?" He whispered in despair, and I could see that he already knew the answer.
Taking a deep breath, "I'm sorry..."

I walked out the room.

Why did this have to happen to us? Now I was never going to see him again.

It hurt.

It felt like my heart was being squeezed until it shattered, like I was drowning in the frigid grip of sadness.

I held it together until I got outside but then somehow stumbled onto the floor, not feeling a single thing. The tears running down my cheeks might've stung, but every nerve ending seemed numbed besides the ones in my heart. I stayed slumped against the wall, just as I felt another wave of hopelessness crushing me down to the bone.

When I closed my eyes, it felt like time could freeze, like all of this was just a nightmare that I'd wake up from any moment. That maybe this entire trip was just the result of my crazy imagination, and that none of it was actually real. It just felt real; it didn't mean anything. I'd wake up in my own bed with nothing but another day of summer vacation gone, another day closer to the start of a new chapter in life.  

A loud bang snapped me out of my thoughts, bringing me back to the present. It seemed to be coming from inside the dance studio, and was followed by the sound of another crash. Then there was another loud sound, and a whole racket was coming from the dance studio. I peeked into the room and saw Chen shoving the practice CDs and music books across the table, onto the floor.

My stomach twisted achingly at the thought that it was me who was causing him to be like this, causing him all this pain and frustration. I ran into the studio on impulse and tried to stop what he was doing.

"Chen, no, please stop!" I grabbed the stuff that he was holding and tried pulling it from him. Hot tears were spilling out from the corners of my eyes again, streaming down my cheeks rapidly. "Chen, please, this isn't going to help anything, it'll only get you in trouble."

"I knew it. They're making you leave, aren't they? Those people who care about nothing more than just their money and training us to be robots!" He shouted. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were moist too.

"No, Chen, please don't be like this." I begged, grasping his hand and squeezing it tightly. "T-this is my decision."

He froze as he processed those words and he let me take the CDs out of his hands.

"What? I don't understand...why are you leaving me?" There was the look of pain etched in his eyes that would probably haunt me in my memories forever. He let me guide him to the side of the room numbly, where we sat down.

"I-" I bit my lip, wondering if I had been wrong this entire time. If I had seen the wrong side of the situation the whole time. "I was never supposed to be here for the long term anyway," I looked away bitterly, "I was given four months to stay, to train and see if I could fit in, if I might actually debut one day. I was supposed to make my decision by the end of August: to decide to sign, or to go back."

"So before all this happened, what were you going to do? Before the scandal..." He looked so shattered, refusing to meet my gaze.

I took a deep breath before answering, afraid of his reaction, afraid of my own reaction. Afraid of what was in store for us next. "Chen, I'm not meant to be here."

There were so many reasons to leave, to go back to where I belonged. But then I finally found one reason to stay.

It just hadn't been the right reason.

And I guess there really never has been a decision to make.

"W-why didn't you tell me this?" Chen slowly turned towards me, murky eyes swimming.

Because it might have changed everything.

"Why, would it have changed anything?"

He wouldn't have tutored me. He wouldn't have dated me. He wouldn't have risked—

"I would've tried harder to make you stay." 

Back with an update ^^ That angst though :'')  How do y'all feel about this one?

Omg I just realized that it's been exactly three years since I started writing this story and started stanning EXO ?!? :O Wow three years and 95k words