+author's notes: I seldom write an author's notes at the front but I feel the need to do so this time. Please forgive me if this chapter is incoherent. I've re-written this about a billion times and it still doesn't come out right. I will attempt to explain myself at the end of this update.

By the time the third week without Tiffany began, Jessica was exhausted. She was tired of Tiffany hiding and avoiding her. Jessica had stopped contacting Tiffany when she realized Tiffany wouldn’t reply.

She missed her terribly. She was so tired – of this avoidance, of this hide and seek that they were too old to play. Over the past few weeks, Jessica had continuously replayed Tiffany’s words, tried to take them apart and decipher their meaning. We can’t because I’m in love with you, Tiffany had said.

It didn’t feel like love at all.

Tiffany’s words didn’t make any sense to her. She was so tired, but even so, she spent her nights wide awake. It was the kind of exhaustion sleep couldn’t cure.

It was a Saturday and she was in her room, replying a message from her friend who had asked her out to a party. She definitely wasn’t in the mood to party. Her thumb hovered above the send button and she was about to press send when her phone started ringing.

Tiffany.

Jessica winced at the name flashing on her screen. What else could Tiffany possibly say to her? She was done with this. She left her phone on her table, watching Tiffany’s name flash a couple more times.

Tiffany called her 9 times and on the ninth attempt, Jessica picked up.

 “Hi,” Tiffany tried.

The husky voice sounded tired and Jessica bit her lip in worry. She didn’t quite know what to say. The tension was obviously there. Now that she finally heard Tiffany’s voice, she couldn’t describe the relief coursing through her veins. She missed her so much.

After the relief, the resentment flashed through her mind. Jessica was hurt.

“Hi? After three weeks, that’s all you have to say?” Jessica spat.

 “Jessi,” Tiffany breathed.

Jessica shook her head, biting her lip hard.

“Why did you call? I thought you made it clear you didn’t want to hear my voice.” Jessica felt a headache coming on and her hand flew to massage her temples. “Why did you call, Tiff?”

“I missed you,” Tiffany confessed quietly.

Jessica wanted to cry.

“You can’t do this to me, Tiffany. You can’t tell me we can’t be together and then go ahead and say you missed me,” Jessica said angrily, resentment clear in her voice. She didn’t think it was fair to her. She hated this push and pull game Tiffany was playing.

“I’m sorry. I really missed you.”

“Don’t. Please don’t. It’s not fair to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Tiffany sounded genuine and sincere but Jessica didn’t need an apology. These words, Jessica would rather not hear.

“Is that all you can say?”

“It’s all that I dare to say.”

“Why?” Jessica demanded an explanation. “Your words don’t make any sense. You’re in love with me and that’s why we can’t be together. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t make sense when it comes to you. You make me irrational.”

The words made Jessica’s vision blur. She couldn’t listen to any more of Tiffany’s words. She was on such unstable ground when it came to Tiffany and she hated it. Tiffany made her heart clench both sweetly and painfully. She wasn’t sure what to feel anymore.

“I- I want to hang up, Tiffany.”

“Stay,” Tiffany said and Jessica wasn’t sure if she heard her voice crack. “I need you. I want you.”

Jessica closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She struggled to control her voice. “You want me but you push me away. What do you want, Tiffany? I’m tired of this, whatever this is.”

“I… I want you.”

Jessica clenched her fist, biting her lower lip forcefully. She could taste the bitter copper in but she could hardly careless.

“You say that but everything you do contradicts it! Your actions make no sense!” Jessica yelled.

There was a brief silence before Tiffany spoke again, “I know. I-I don’t know. I’m confused myself. I just know that I love you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You don’t want to but why do you keep hurting me?”

Tears were b in her eyes, making her eyes brighter than usual. She blinked, and a teardrop rolled down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe away her tears.

“That’s why we can’t be together.”

“I don’t understand.” Her voice trembled.

“Don’t love me. I’ll hurt you.”

The words cleared Jessica’s foggy mind suddenly.

“Is that what this is all about? You think you’ll hurt me?”

“I already have, Jessica.”

“You’re selfish,” Jessica spat. “You want me but you don’t want to take responsibility if I get hurt.”

 “You’re right. I am selfish. Even so, I cannot help but love you.”

Tiffany’s voice was thick with want and Jessica hated it. She hated it because even though she felt the need to hang up, she couldn’t bring herself to do so.

“I want to hate you,” Jessica admitted.

“You should. You shouldn’t love someone like me. You deserve better.”

“I do. But I like you. What am I supposed to do? There’s only you.”

“Each time you say that, you happen to me all over again.”

“Stop being afraid, Tiffany.”

It surprised Jessica; how she herself demanded something she wanted. She didn’t do that very often – out rightly taking something she wanted. She was always a more reserved individual, going with the flow of things rather than challenging it. But this time, it concerned Tiffany and she had always been less rational when it came to Tiffany.

“It’s not easy.”

“I know. But good things are hardly easy.”

“Us? We’re a good thing?” Tiffany questioned.

“We can be,” Jessica said firmly. “If you let it.”

There was a pause and Jessica struggled to breathe. Tiffany didn’t answer and it drove Jessica crazy.

 “Are you going to run away again?” Jessica asked again hesitantly, fearing Tiffany’s answer.

Jessica gripped her phone tightly. Tiffany was taking too long to answer her question.

“No. I won’t ever run away again. I promise.” Tiffany finally said and Jessica exhaled. She didn’t even know she was holding her breath.

“Cross your heart.” Jessica demanded.

“I cross my heart.”

///

“If you ever leave me again, I might hunt you down and kill you,” Jessica tried to joke, wishing for the tensed atmosphere to dissipate.

Things had reverted to (slightly?) normal after the promise Tiffany made to Jessica. The tension was still very much there and they both knew things had changed drastically with that talk. Jessica really wanted them to be okay again. Unfortunately, Tiffany didn’t seem too keen on reverting to lighter conversations.

“I’d do it myself if I ever hurt you again.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Okay.”

Jessica bit her lip, unsure of how to continue the conversation. She would never have thought there would be a day when things would be awkward between her and Tiffany.

“…What does this make us?” Jessica asked cautiously.

“I don’t know, Jessi. Girlfriends?” Tiffany suggested.

The suggestion brought a smile to Jessica’s face. Girlfriends. It certainly had a nice ring to it.

“That sounds nice. But we haven’t even met each other.”

“I’m worried though. Will we work out?”

“Yes, we can,” Jessica insisted adamantly. “We both live in the same city. Nothing hard about that.”

“But we’re so different.”

“And yet so similar. We can make this work if we try, Tiff.”

“Jessi-”

“I really don’t want to go three weeks without talking, Tiffany.”

Tiffany sighed, “You’re so insistent.”

“I know.”

“It’ll be hard, you know. Exclusivity is hard when we don’t even see each other.”

“I know.”

Tiffany chuckled softly, “Right. Does that mean we should meet up?”

“I don’t want to meet up yet, though.”

“Why?” Tiffany sounded confused.

“Because I want you to think about me,” Jessica giggled and she could hear Tiffany sigh.

“You are such a tease, you know that?” Tiffany exclaimed, slightly frustrated.

“I know.”

“And you claim I’m the Casanova. Do you see me rolling my eyes?”

“Nope.”

Jessica laughed, knowing that the tensed atmosphere had already dissipated. Tiffany laughed along knowingly.

“Ugh. You drive me crazy sometimes, Jessi. So done with you.”

“You drive me crazy, too.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

Jessica giggled softly, “Yes, of course, girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend? Is that what you’ll call me? I thought you said we haven’t even met each other face to face.”

“Or you can be my bae.”

“I’m your bae now, flirty Jessi?” Tiffany laughed and Jessica thought she wouldn’t mind hearing that laughter for the rest of her days. Her laughter was melodious, like bells ringing in the wind.

Jessica felt like she had known Tiffany all her life.

“I don’t know. It’s up to you to decide.” Jessica said.

“Do we even need labels?” Tiffany asked.

Jessica smiled to herself and she covered her smile with a hand, as if Tiffany could see her and she was hiding away her smile. The corner of her lips had tugged upwards automatically, and she knew loving Tiffany was a choice she would never regret.

“No, I guess we don’t.”