Leave me alone, leave me alone
Like this empty street, my rejected heart is in pain

“Are we going to talk about this or are you just going to ignore me?” you asked your boyfriend who was sitting adjacent to the chair you were sitting in on the couch. He had been giving you the silent treatment the whole day and you knew that, soon, one of you were gong to snap and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Fine,” Byunghun, more commonly known as L.Joe, looked up at you with anger in his eyes. “let’s talk about this. First of all, what exactly is your problem?”

Your eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

“It’s no secret the way you reacted to the fan meeting. I’ve never seen a girl so upset about her precious Oppa hugging another girl,” Byunghun stated in a condescending tone.

“Oh my gosh,” you exclaimed in disbelief, “you think that’s what I was upset about? What do you take me for, exactly?”

Byunghun stood up and ruffled his hair. “I’m not sure. I thought you were my girlfriend but, if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought you were a sasaeng.”

Now it was your turn to stand to your feet. “Have I every given you any reason to think that? I wasn’t upset that you were hugging that girl at the fan sign. She was your fan so I understood. I was upset at the way you were acting and not just at the fan sign! It’s been going on for months. You’ve been ignoring the fact that I exist when you’re in public. I get that our relationship is a secret and I’m okay with that but I would just prefer if you would show just a bit of restraint around beautiful girl groups and fans. It’s as if we’re not even dating at all! You’re my boyfriend if private but you don’t even spare me a second glace in public and it hurts me!”

“You think you’re the only one who’s hurting with this?” Byunghun yelled and closed the distance between the two of you in one step. “Don’t be ridiculous, stop pretending that you’re the only one struggling and in pain. It’s pathetic,” he went on, driving the stake further and further into your heart. “I’ve dealt with this far longer than you have. I was always alone anyway, it had nothing to do with you. You just add more pressure and pain into my already insane life!”

“Oh and my life has just been a piece of cake after I started dating you,” you hissed sarcastically and jabbed Byunghun’s chest with your finger. “It was hard enough just being your friend with all the cameras and crazy fans around, much less being your girlfriend. Even so I’ve stayed with you. I’ve been the shoulder for you to cry on. I’ve let you vent to me. I’ve even snuck you out of practice so you could sleep. Why? Because I loved you. I loved you but I’m not going to sit around here and let you take me for granted and treat me like crap!”

Byunghun scoffed. “Have I ever been mean to you? Have I ever harmed you?”

You took a step closer so your chests were nearly touching and said, “Not every wound you leave is physical.”

Byunghun leaned down closer to your face. “The feeling is mutual.”

That was it. “Get out of my apartment,” you ordered and pointed to the door.

“With pleasure,” Byunghun replied and stormed out of apartment, making sure to slam the door.

The second he was gone you let out a scream filled with hurt, frustration, anger, and all of the other emotions you had pent up over the past few months. You knew you shouldn’t have said the things you did. You were too angry to think clearly or to make good decisions but you didn’t care. Byunghun deserved everything you served him. Sometimes you regretted even meeting him. Your life would have been so much simpler. Now everyone except for you was happy… everyone except for you.

Oh baby, everyone but me looks happy
Everyone but me is having fun oh no
I shouldn’t have met you, I shouldn’t have met you
I’m regretting now

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Byunghun,

I feel like I need to explain myself for what happened last time we spoke. Yes, I was being sensitive and I overreacted but it wasn’t completely uncalled for. What proof did I have that you still cared for me after the way you had been acting? It’s not like I can compare with those idols you see everyday. All I every had was your word but, after a while, I stopped getting even that affirmation. I get that you were tired and the stress of your lifestyle is ridiculous but you used to have time to just say hi to me, to tell me you loved me, to make sure I was doing okay. When that stopped I got so scared that you were losing feelings for me and that, combined with your friendliness with other girls, really got to me. I’m sorry I got so upset and yelled at you. That being said, I think we should break up. There is too much going on in your life right now for you to have me as a distraction. I hope you understand and can forgive me. I hope you find everything you’re looking for. I love you… I really do.

Goodbye,

________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two months and one week later

I can’t fall asleep tonight; I’m just looking out the window

Passing couples especially catch my eye
My eyes grow pitifully red every time it rains at night
You used to say “I like the sound of the rain” and it spins around my head
I draw you out, hating you, crying, then laughing, several times a day

Byunghun sat there next to the window, his face against the frame and his breath fogging up the glass, and watched as the rain fell onto the streets below. You loved rain, he remembered. Whenever it rained you would run outside without a coat or umbrella and start dancing. A smile was always on your face and your drenched hair would spin around you as you turned to music nobody could hear.

Byunghun reached up and smeared the single tear that passed his guard off his cheek. It had been months since you two had last spoken. He should be over it. Your letter was as kind a break up as he could expect after the way he had yelled at you. He should be over you by now. But he wasn’t.

Out of the corner of his eye Byunghun caught a glimpse of yellow and he turned to follow it. It was a yellow raincoat. The girl walking was taking her time, dragging her matching, yellow rain boots through puddles and holding her hands palm up to collect some of the rain drops. Her hood was down and her long, beautiful hair was already dripping. Suddenly Byunghun’s eyes widened. He knew that hair. He knew those hands. He knew that girl. It was you.

In a flash Byunghun was up and out of the door. He wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do but he knew one thing; he needed to talk to you. The rain was freezing and it soaked through his clothes and hair but he didn’t stop. You were getting farther away.

“______!” Byunghun yelled your name into the rain. You stopped. That voice… you weren’t sure if you’d ever hear it again and, yet, here it was, calling your name. You slowly spun around, afraid of what you were going to see, and brushed your wet hair out of your eyes. Byunghun gave you a smile, though it was so quick you weren’t sure if you’d imagined it, and walked up to you until there was only the rain between you.

“Hi,” Byunghun offered quietly.

“Hi,” you replied, not meeting his eyes.

Byunghun bit his lip. He wanted to see you smile. He wanted to hear you laugh. He wanted to touch you. He wanted to look into your eyes. He wanted to hold you. But he couldn’t. He cleared his throat. “Still refusing to wear your hood,” he said.

You half smiled, still not looking up. “It’s more fun this way,” you admitted.

“You’ll get sick.”

Your smile disappeared. “Why do you care?” you asked harshly. You heard Byunghun take in a sharp breath, making you look up at him. “Sorry, that was uncalled for,” you admitted.

Byunghun shrugged. “It’s okay. This whole situation is a little messed up.”

You nodded, the awkwardness almost tangible between you two. Byunghun noticed it and started rocking back and forth on his heels. “Soooo…” you started, playing with the hem of your shirt, “what now?”

Now it was Byunghun’s turn to look down. He didn’t know the answer. What do you do in a situation like this? There was no way to go back to the way things were before. Too many things were said in anger – in the heat of the moment – to just make up. Byunghun sighed. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “I have no idea how to handle this. I just…” Byunghun looked back up at you and shrugged helplessly, “I can’t believe that this,” he gestured to you, “that we’re done. If I could go back to our fight and change what happened I would. I wouldn’t have said such stupid things that I didn’t mean just because I was mad.”

“Yeah but you did,” you pointed out, “and I did too. We can’t just ignore that and move past it when we still haven’t solved the reason why we were arguing in the first place.” You looked up at Byunghun for the first time and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of your beautiful eyes looking into his. You were so beautiful to him no matter what happened between you. “You hurt me, Byunghun,” you went on, “and I know I hurt you. I regret that as much as you do but there’s no way we can just go back to the way things were before.”

Byunghun nodded, biting his lips. Everything you said was making perfect sense. Where do you go from here? “I know.”

You closed your eyes and ran a hand through your hair. “So what do we do?” you asked, completely lost.

Byunghun looked into your eyes. He didn’t want to lose you and you were already slipping away from him. He regretted fighting with you every moment of every day and wanted to prove to you that he was sincere. It wouldn’t be easy but he was going to win you back no matter the costs. Byunghun gave you a ghost of a smile and asked, “Would you like to go for some coffee?” completely startling you.

Coffee? That’s the best he could come up with? Then it hit you. Start over. Byunghun was wanting to start over with you and start from there. For the first time since the argument you smiled, a real smile, and nodded. “I’d like that.”