CHAP 10

Mark changed to at least 10 outfits. Should he dress formally? Or just like he used to wear whenever he hung out with JinYoung. But this was special right? He didn’t know but his heart felt happy when he heard JinYoung confessed to him. He should feel weird but he did not. And Mark was surprised himself. Thoughts running in his mind whether what to say when he met JinYoung later on. Would he just agree that he loves JinYoung too?

But do I love JinYoung? He stared at the reflection of himself in front of the mirror. Mark always thought he disgust homouality. Didn’t it mean that he shouldn’t accept this kind of feeling from his best friend? He started to have doubt again. It was like he was fighting with himself. What could possibly go right with two boys love each other? He and JinYoung could still keep their relationship secret right? JinYoung wouldn’t mind, would he?

Mark ruffled his red hair and sighed heavily. All those time he had treated JinYoung as, or should he say more than, his lover. He didn’t feel weird at all. But at times like this, when things started to get serious, Mark couldn’t help but doubt. He couldn’t help but feel a little afraid of what came next.

He picked up his phone, thinking of calling JinYoung. Maybe he needed to hear the other’s voice to calm himself down. It would always work though. He opened his phone and glanced at JinYoung’s name on his contact. There was a picture of the black hair with his wrinkling smile. Mark smiled unconsciously. Okay, maybe he was really in love with JinYoung.

Before he could hit the call button, his phone vibrated and Mark took a minute to come to reality. Could he love JinYoung when he already had a girlfriend? Most importantly when the girl was calling him right now?

“Hello, Yumi?” - he picked up with a hesitating voice.

“Mark…” - he heard from the other line that Yumi’s voice were shaking, almost crying.

“What’s wrong Yumi?” - he got worried.

“Nothing… I just wanted to hear your voice… I thought you wouldn’t pick up my call.” - Yumi literally sobbed on the other line and Mark felt his heart clenched.

“What makes you think like that ? Is everything okay? Where are you Yumi?” - Mark stood up and ran out of the door while still holding his phone.

“Mark, you and JinYoung oppa,....” - Mark froze when he heard JinYoung’s name - “Is there anything between you two? Are you tired of me already Mark? Do you want to break up with me?” - she spilled her tears and cried harder.

Mark took a deep breathe before taking a grasp of what happened. And he made his choice.

*

JinYoung sat on the coffee shop which Mark and him used to hang out. It was a warm and cozy place without much people. They always chose a dark corner of the shop so that no one could see them. A smile crept up on his face when he remembered Mark would always be playful and planted a kiss on him while JinYoung was enjoying his drink. He blushed eventually.

JinYoung still couldn’t believe this was going to happen. If Mark really wanted to meet him, it must have meant the red hair came to realize that he liked JinYoung too. Right? The black hair couldn’t stop thinking about how happy this would turn out to be. No more secret, no more hiding from their friends and kissing in the dark. He finally could love Mark.

He kept checking his phone every 5 minutes. Maybe he was early. Mark still hasn’t come yet. It was 5 minutes to 5 already. JinYoung calmed himself down, taking a sip of the coffee he ordered. Maybe he just took a lot of time to prepare. Time passed away slowly but it almost reached 5:30 but JinYoung still saw no sign of the red hair. His heart started to beat out of rhythm. His instinct told him that something must have gone wrong. JinYoung could guess what was happening. But he rather not believe in his presumption.

JinYoung was in no mood for waiting anymore. He told himself that Mark must be suddenly busy. Maybe his mom asked him to do something for her and Mark forgot to call him to inform. The black hair was hoping that he would get his answer tomorrow. Still a good one. But who was he fooling? He didn’t believe in a good future of them that much now. The doubt crept into his soul and spread like fire. Suddenly the leftover of his coffee didn’t taste sweet at all. Bitter was all it left.

He slowly walked home because the shop wasn’t far from his place. JinYoung’s mind floated when he was still thinking about lot of things, rather than looking at the street. But his eyes couldn’t miss that.

That particular view that made him pop his eyes wide open and he eventually dropped the coffee cup he’s holding on the street. JinYoung held his breathe as he was shockingly stunned.  He thought his heart stopped working and so did his ear. Everything he knew now was the scene before his eyes. And a drop of tears left his face without his notice.

JinYoung turned around and ran away as fast as he could. He let the wind dry his eyes but more tears came out and wet his face. He quickly wiped them away and held back his sob. He was strong. He had to be.

*

Mark quickly hugged Yumi in his embrace as soon as he saw the girl standing there. She hugged back and sobbed harder on his chest.

“Yumi, I’m here. Don’t cry anymore okay…I know I was wrong. I’m sorry.” - Mark said while patting her back. What kind of boyfriend he was, ignoring his girlfriend like this… He knew when he asked Yumi out, he should take some responsibilities, that he should care about her.

“I thought… I thought you’re gonna leave me.” - she lifted her face and looked into Mark’s eyes. And he felt his heart twitched. It was true. He was about to leave her. For JinYoung. What Yumi said earlier still haunted in his mind. She started suspect his relationship with JinYoung. Was it the time now, for him to say the truth. But didn’t he love Yumi?

“Silly.. what are you thinking?” - instead, that was what Mark said. A coward. He was really a coward.

“You and JinYoung oppa, you spend more time with him than me. I know you would call me crazy for this but I just feel something special between you two.” - Yumi let go and talked seriously with her boyfriend. Of course this was just a wild guess, Mark and JinYoung had hid it so well, no one would have caught them.

But this was more than enough to scared Mark. He froze for a minute, trying to cope with what was going on. It hit him hard. The reality. The fear. Of being exposed.

“No, JinYoung and I are just friends Yumi. You’re jealous of him? How could it be?” - Mark faked a smile and pulled her towards his embrace again. Friends? He could lie to Yumi but he could not lie to his heart. That was maybe JinYoung was more than a friend for him. But he realized now. He had decided. That they could never be together. Mark was scared. He feared of those words people would say about him. He feared of revealing his disgusting true self. He shook his head and hugged Yumi tighter, trying to shooed away the image of JinYoung in his head.

“Then did you have someone else oppa? Because you never treated me like your girlfriend. You never kiss me, never spend time with me except at school, and even that I still don’t get the top priority because of your friends. Am I still your girlfriend or not Mark?”

Mark said nothing. He let her free and sat down as Yumi sat down right next to him, holding his hands. He felt as if his heart was being torn. No. His heart wasn’t torn. Because it was only having JinYoung now. But his mind was. He could never feel the tension this much. Of finally coming to the last decision.

JinYoung confessed. And the black hair wanted an answer. Mark was about to give him, honestly. But he hadn’t thought of what would come next. They would date, their friends would knew, the whole school would know, but who were going to support them? If Mark was disgusted by biuality himself, what did he expect from other people? And he hadn’t thought of Yumi, who was his girlfriend. He could imagine how hurt she was. When he saw her cry, Mark didn’t have the heart to break up with her.

. It was just your excuse. You don’t care for her. You just used her as an excuse for your cowardness. You would forever stay in denial. And face it that you could never date JinYoung, because you think it was impossible.

A voice in his head said, as if it was arguing with him. No. I loved her. That’s why I couldn’t accept Jinyoung’s love. It was wrong. I love Yumi. Do I?

Yumi took his hands and squeezed them tight like she was afraid that Mark would actually leave her. But the red hair suddenly leaned in, their faces were just inches apart. Mark saw Yumi close her eyes but he couldn’t help but feel pathetic. Cause all he had in his head now, was JinYoung. And it finally started to hurt him. That the one he would kiss now weren’t the black hair. Because the story between them was abnormal, different, impossible.

He caught her lips between his and started to move slowly, sweetly, gently. Just exactly how he kissed JinYoung. The taste was weird, the kiss was much more unfamiliar to Mark. He scrunched but still didn’t let go. He started to imagine that it was JinYoung who he kissed. He could still hear the light comforting smell from the black hair. Those soft lips, and those wrinkles on the corner of his eyes where Mark loves to landed his fingers on whenever they kissed.

Mark finally knew now. That his heart belonged to JinYoung. But he finally made a choice, to be with Yumi. He needed her, not him. Because he was a boy. Because he couldn’t risk for people to find out about him and JinYoung.

Sorry, JinYoungie ah. It looked like I couldn’t give you the answer you wanted.

Mark felt itchy in his eyes but he wasn’t gonna cry. He held Yumi closer instead, kissing her more passionately to forget the guilt he had inside. Without knowing that the one he loves was standing outside, heartbrokenly running away.

“Believe me now?” - Mark asked when they finally broke their kiss.

Yumi nodded her head and leaned on Mark’s shoulder. People around them looked at them with jealous eyes and Mark knew this was how he wanted it to be. Luckily he stopped Yumi from doubting anything more between him and JinYoung. Lucky. …. as if.

*

JinYoung was surprised that nothing even came out of his eyes. He just stared blankly in the mirror while hugging his legs as he sat on the bed. It was true, everything he saw was exactly what he had expected. Still the true broke him badly.

Maybe Mark wanted to see him to say no to his confession. His hopes were in vain. JinYoung should have known. Maybe all those sweet talks, all those hugs and kisses were just a normal act Mark would do for a friend. Even if he cared for JinYoung any more special, the black hair guessed it could never win over Mark’s ego.

This had to end. No more hopes. No more secret. He couldn’t continue this when he finally knew now that he could never had Mark’s heart for just himself. He was torturing them both. What kind of friend he was, pushing Mark to choose between coming out and breaking their friendship? How could he be that selfish?

It would have been hard for Mark - JinYoung thought. And he suddenly found out that maybe all the misleading things Mark did to him was just to pity his wrongful love. Maybe while he felt as if he was over the moon, Mark felt nothing but disgust. JinYoung clutched his chest and blamed himself for not recognizing this earlier.

I would free you. Don’t worry Mark. You won’t have to play pretend anymore. You were right. Our love is impossible.

JinYoung wished he could cry, that would be much easier for his heart. But he didn’t. He reached his phone instead and pressed Jackson’s international number. Screw the expensive cost because JinYoung really needed to say something to his boyfriend now.

“Hello?” - Jackson picked up with a familiar voice. And JinYoung never knew he would burst out crying just at those voice. He was suddenly reminded that there was someone there for him. Someone who loved him, and that was much better than throwing yourself helplessly in love.

“Jackson ah…” - his voice broke and he started sobbing hard, all the tears flowed through his face. What had he done? Cheated behind a good boy like this.. He felt guilty, too guilty he wished he could just die already.

“JinYoung, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” - Jackson sounded worried and that just made JinYoung cried harder. Jackson cared for him. But the one he needed just abandoned him.

“I’m sorry, Jackson ah… I’m sorry…” - the black hair said between the sobs.

“What..what for JinYoungie?”

He didn’t answer. He just pressed the phone closer to his ears and cried his heart out. JinYoung never felt this bad of himself. But this was the end. He would change and he wouldn’t let himself doing anymore guilt.

Maybe he should thank Mark. For giving him the chance to stop being delusional, to stop doing this disgusting cheating play.  Everything between them was wrong, was impossible. And because of that, all has to end.

A/N: Sorry for the late update! School is really busy right now because of entrance exams so I will be updating slower than usual :'(( Hope you guys can still wait for me! And yeah, sorry again for making Mark a jerk in here, more jerk Mark would come so please prepare yourself ~ *sorry Mark, I love you so much* Subscribe and comment are love! <3 Thank you guys!