That night, I s past my father. Like a typical asian dad, he kept the newspaper from falling to a level that will provoke conversation but at a comfortable level of observing me. He will not ask. He will analyse whatever body cues I may provide. By the images he had recieved, he will create the assumptions based conclusion that will leave him back to his bubble of equilibrium. 'Appa.' I called out. He raises his head, acknowledging the prospect of having an awkward situation being handed in. 'I'm fine.' My smile plastered to make my point. He nods his head. 'Baseball season is starting soon. I think I'm going to upgrade our cable.' He replies with the most random statement. I let out a sigh then looked up at him sincerely. 'Appa, pay your own cable.' I joked and headed to my room. 'It is an extra 20000Won!' He yells after me.

A quick shower and I was back on the bed. Lying there, emptying out my mind. Suddenly, I reach over to my bed to pull out the drawer of the bedside little cupboard. The varsity jacket she got me on my final year mid semester exams was neatly folded. My finger traces the seams that are still intact. Next, I reached further back. Closing my eyes, I left the sticked on labels of three bottles. The expired pills in them rattled against each other. Little stingers of the heart pokes a little. I heave a sigh. Closing the drawer, I went back to my earlier position. 

She had came over and all was good. Studying for a test while she was conquering my bed. I wonder if such mundane actions will be evergreen. Will I always be this silent happy bean? I stole a quick glance at her. She was reading Vogue. I never really understood how she could spend hours on that one single magazine. It was just like an adult version of pictorial book. Upon finishing up my third chapter, I had excused myself for a quick shower. Like a queen, her right hand waved away my pressence. Somehow that brought a smile. Love for her is making me find delight over the smallest and weirdest of things. 

When I came back into the room with a towel over my head, she had shifted approximately 70 degrees and was accompained with Seventeen. Rubbing the towel over my damp hair, she suddenly sits up. I ignored her change in stance. As she had conquered my bed, I was simply resting on the desk chair. It was always good to have some distance. 

‘Why did you not want to die?’ Sica suddenly asks. I could only stare at her. A little too stun for an immediate response. ‘Why.’ It was a statement and a demand for my answer. 'My knowledge is diffusing into the oblivion of history. What suicide would have achieved, I feel can be increased in efficiency by living.' I stated shakly in my defense. 'But.' It was necessary. After all I wasn't at all confidence in the conclusion of made then. 'Don't take it from me. I'm not exactly the most stable of individual within these four walls.' I provided the excuse. 

She smirks. 'You do drive me nuts.' she admits in the softest of voice. She shakes her head. 'How do you move on from it when all you have is a constant reminder of it.' she turns away from me. I don't like that body language. I hate it when she can't look me in the eye. 'Prolonged exposure therapy. I'm fine.' I say in earnest. 'Taeng your judgement is clouded. We all know that.' I disliked how she had to use collective noun in that last sentence. 'I'm not your link back to reality. I'm more like the drug that permits you to indulge in your extreme measures all in the name of science.' Sica adds on while facing the window. 

I choose not to reply. The words that I'm listening to was not pleasing. The view of her being in front of me was immensely preferred. 'Have you slept?' she fires another question. This one hitting my foot. I was literally rooted. My heart bumping the extra oxygen needed to come up with a good defense. Finally, she faces me. I catch the sympathy within her eyes. Uncomfortablely, I continue to meet her gaze. 'Silenor. Lunesta. Sonata.' she lists the bottles' label stickers placed in the far end of my bedside cupboard. 'I see you have enjoyed some reading while I was in the shower.' I spoke calmly. 

'Sometimes the biggest secrets can only be told to a stranger. Plus I didn't want you to be making assumptions.' I said indifferently. I took a seat beside her. 'I want to know.' she says in tones of uncertainty. 'I can't sleep.' I admit. 'It is a seasonal thing. It is a stress level thing. It is a having a PTSD thing. It is just something. We are to be graded on our overall aspect. By that account I'm fine.' Hearing the words I had said, I wonder how much of those words were an illusion and how much of it was truly reality. 

I'm conducting a double blind experiment. After that, we didn't touch the subject about the nasty peaceful pills. We said no more about the past. We giggled laughed and joked. I then happily listened to her rants about the world. When I had shut the door, my eye twitched involuntarily. Ignoring it, I was still obsessing with the bliss of having been around her. It was joy. 

Back then, I wasn't aware that I had failed the single blind experiment. With the queen wearing her crown of assumed righteousness, the commoner was left aside.