I recount the experience. The whole damn story in a stotic voice. The more I retold the night of the red moon, the easier it seems to pass it off as another nightmare. Upon the ribbon being untied, the devious experience dances back to life as she sat there looking at me. I wanted to apologise for sprunging this on her but I couldn't. Somehow I didn't allow myself to do so. 

'I have a doctorate in criminal psychology. I comprehend the minds of the dark side of beings. I want to say that I can fully understand the stupidity of criminals. I want to understand why he said sorry. I want to know why one word was able to make him believe that he had a half filled conscious instead of one that is half empty.' I concluded the overly long story telling. Seo remains perfectly still. 'Dr Kim. What happens when you do understand? What happens when all the answers you have been pouring your heart out for had been answered?' She is on a roll. The questions asked, made me at a lost for words. 

While waiting for my response, she doesn't flinch or even blink. In fact, she never blinks. She never not have something smart to say. 'If I do say I love you again will this all go away?' I asked in mischief. 'No.' she answers just like the old fart of a professor I had in semester 3 of year 2. 'I honestly don't know.' I answered. Since there was no backing down, you must as well as come clean.

'You've got to climb Mount Everest to reach the Valley of the Dolls.' I qouted. 'Valley of the Dolls.' she repeats. A smile comes up, we both read the book. 'Finding similarity in us doesn't make me a mirror.' she continues. 'Are you Anne Welles or Marilyn Monroe?' she probes. 'I wouldn't know till I reach the summit.' I mumble. Insecurity raising. Frankly, she is making me the nervous kid in front of the principal. 'A summit is the highest point. A summit a meeting between government.' Seo defines my choice of words. 

What does it mean? 'So what so great about reaching the peak that requires such importance of a council of intelligence? Unnie, what is it that you wish to attain? If he said sorry because he woke up from his imbalanced level of vasopressin, then what? Your quest to comprehend his mind is dangerous. It makes you blur the line between a proper logical deduction and emotional correlations. This is why doctors can't treat family members.' She fires on all cylinders of facts. Impressed, I let her speech settle in within me. 

'A pyramid is built on the foundation of the millions, the tip of it will be of those selected few who gets to bask in the sunlight. If one had the right effort, the right route, that kind of effort and luck will propel him to the top. The latter half will be to maintain that kind of status. There will be output to maintain the peak. After all, the view of the bottom from the top will never be of luxury. The pride that came when the first sun rays hit your skin. Then the look downwards where fear of the potential drop creates motivation for output. Output that is essentially derived from fear.' I rationalised verbally. 

'I know that the route is dangerous. This path of wanting to know, makes ignorance overly blissful. Yet a fool resides in me, one that is trying hard to be smart. I need to...I just want love to be accepted. I want to know I love because it was a real emotion. I want to know that my emotions aren't just a faulty baggage that has been leaving bits of itself on the ground which I had walked upon. I want to look Sica in the eyes and know a hundred percent that it is fate. That it was a crazy red thread that linked us. It wasn't my need to comprehend him that made my heart seek out for her.' I countered back. 'I just want answers.' 

She took a moment to ponder. Ever the robot, she rushes no quick retort. 'What if there is no answers to satisfy? What if there is no such thing as concrete evidence supporting the thesis?' Seo questions in the tone of pleading. 'Then Newton will not have earned a noble prize but put to jail. A thesis stripped down is and will only be pretty words.' I replied. 'So there is no affirmative destination, but you will keep pushing your mind? This is simply despiration' she warns.

I turn away. Letting out a sigh. That lone street lamp across her apartment looks sweetly annoying. ‘I’m facing it. I’m facing the whole chunk. I’m attempting to embrace impermanence with a lady who is supposed to share a relationship with me. By the way that relationship was supposed to have no duration to maturity.' It was her turn to sigh. ‘It is dangerous. You do have PTSD. You may have a worsen case of depression. Your black eye rings are obvious. Insomnia is clearly making appearances.’ She argues back like the trained doctor that she was taught to be.

‘I’m going to get myself cured. If I am right, if it works then alright. If it doesn’t, then admit me in on the counts of mild insanity.' I declared. I was tired. Damn it, insomnia is making my feeble mind throw an ultimatum that I will regret. Regret is so not what I wish to add onto my dishelved plate of emotions. I'm already as nuts as one can be. 'Everyone is worried. They know you well enough to know the drastic measures you will conceade. This. You and I, having such a set up is a prime example.' She says in earnest. 

'Dr Kim, you don't have to please the world to know of its existence within you. All you have to do is feel it.' she meekly adds in the softest of voice. I pat her head. 'Seo Juhyun. You are a student of brilliance. A bright light that had been bestowed. I offer you no logic as to why I am sitting here now. I only know that there is a wedding. There is the girl who I love who is returning. I am a girl who loves another girl.' I state. 'You are making me admit things out loud. It helps in locating the beast with pin point accuracy. In a strange way, the wedding tomorrow will be crucial.' In a weird way, I speak as if I was comforting the robot whose turmoil had been brought by me. It was ironic on all counts.

'Seo Juhyun, this care and concern that you hold for me, is a brand of love. The love I have for my mother is one that is embedded in my veins. The love I have for Sica, is a prime example of contradiction. I just want to understand all the knots. Honestly, I fear that if left undone, my mind may be circling round the box of torture for the reasons of just because. I'm not here for support. In a way, I set this up so that maybe you can understand how much the heart is not meant to be a thinking organ.' I ended with a weary smile. 

We sat there on her sofa for the rest of the day. Occasionally, Seo will try to voice her opinion on the matter. I wouldn't dismiss her efforts but I wouldnt adhere to it. In a way, to face the beast recklessly is my brand of insanity.