When the past is forgotten temporarily, when all occurrences becomes a jumbled mess of blurred images, I can honestly say that City lightings really do warm up this chilly winter. Yet as of now, under the comforts of a heated blanket, lying down under the small ball of warm heat that engulfs my tiny frame, winter’s cold attitude makes me shiver. I didn’t know how to respond. One moment, I’m like a kid reenergized with the sparkly lights that dangles and make the streets overly shiny. The next, I could only feel the factual harshness of winter’s sub zero temperature. What am I thinking just by lying on my bed? Whatever happen to happy thoughts? 

Like a pendulum, my moods swing. To make matters worse, the parameter at which I oscillate seems to be overly dramatic, maybe even a tinge away from pathetic. I like how both words that describe my unnecessary behavior rhymes. Mother always stated that age has made me evolved into a proper lady. I guess to her, ladies are plainly distinguished by their prominent fickle mindsets. I am such a lady. Wearing the track pants of history and a shirt from the school’s fun fair, I must be a lady.

The phone suddenly buzzes against the wood of the bedside cupboard. I pretended to be deaf. Taking the estimated silence of the vibrations to be of little significance. When it lasted longer than the usual tolerance of my peers, I got curious. Stretching out, I grab my phone. A string of numbers greeted me. I stared at them. A perfect match. Then the screen changes, one missed call recorded. The first thought is of why wouldn’t she have changed her number. Wasn’t she afraid that I would have snapped and become the crazy stalker? The one past love that is now total the character of creep? Maybe to her I’m just a weed. Pull it out and problem free. Nip the bud, some may say. 

My eyes didn’t wander. My eyes never left. Even when the screen had turned pitch black, I just kept looking. What were my eyes trying to pry, my conscious couldn’t grasp. To say that things were complicated, wasn’t an accurate term of description.  It is just another month. The fifth winter that we had spent apart. The pure insanity of how I had labeled that day as some sort of second coming. I’m going to be stuck twice by lightning.

I guess you were never going to be that predictable wind. You were always more similar to that rainbow. The one that may appear after the storm you had forged. It was contradicting. You were like the reminder of the bad but that same fellow who brought some great light. Now what? I questioned the dead mobile.  Now what?

What social skills am I equipped with?

I skipped that question the moment I had finished it. ‘Social skills’ is still placing me in its waiting room.  I need to be a geek. So I got up, headed to my desk and took out a page from my notebook. Within 15 minutes, I had a personal cognitive map that could be analyze. Like E.C Tolman who needed to explain how the rats had learned of the locations of rewards in a maze, I need to understand my scatterbrain. Distinguish the outliers from those crucial points that makes me an assumed simplified tool. 

Carefully, I studied my own work as if a student had handed it in to me. ‘Simply another figure of a bigger picture,’ I proclaimed out loud to an empty room. I had to be insane and thoroughly incapable of assessing myself. Thus, I changed out of my Pjs, folded my own map, took the car keys and went out.

While driving, I wondered why she called. Did she know that I was thinking of her, of us? If so then why hasn't she called on all the earlier past nights? That theory is rubbish. It must be due to the wedding. Damn it. Still it was one more week away. Nothing makes sense. Me stepping on this pedal driving on the road is crazy enough. When I had reached her front door and a puzzled being politely greeting my unwelcomed prescence. I get it.

‘I’m the same rat of Skinner’s box too.  My reward of leaving our sessions with a somewhat conclusive derivation is what had conditioned me to be here. I seek your assistance.’ I explained in my defense.  Brushing past her, I took a seat on the sofa. ‘No offense Dr Kim, I think you are simply being a cognitive miser. Green Tea?’ she insults and acts as a good house host all in one robotic sentence. 'Your trust in me is appreciated but shouldn't be held as a shield. By all counts, it isn't the hardy iron you would require.' she said and places the cup in front of me. I smiled 

‘Friedrich Nietzsche states, he who cannot obey himself will be commanded. That is the nature of living creatures. Sadly, that is a description of us succumbing to higher authorities in power.’ I bit my lower lip after mumbling the words. ‘I don’t have a plan. If I am force to do this then let whoever that shove this down on us to bear its consequences. In other words, I am obviously going to be abusing your consent.' I conclude as I begin to sip her tea. 

She nods her head. 'I am aware of the possibilities that has arise from my agreement.' she then takes the seat opposite me ever so elegantly. 'I am also positively sure that you don't need a voice of direction. I am aware that my placing is a mere proxy to affirm the measures you wish to take.' she states. I little smirk forms. 'Differential Association. Edwin Sutherland.' She states. I have to admit I am ever amaze by the true badass robot. 'What crime awaits?' I challenged her with the burning question.

She sits quietly as she ponders. Then her eyes lit up, looking at me with clarity, 'there is nothing more deceptive than the obvious fact.' she qoutes the great Sherlock Holmes. I had to applaud her. By replying, she will be giving in. The one who dictate is still Skinner. I am nothing more than an evolved rat.