“Why is he my sunshine? Because he truly is a ray of sunshine. He is the light of my life.”

– Yongguk –

                He almost couldn’t believe his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing or not anymore. It’s really Daehyun. He was here, gazing at him with those big liquid eyes he knew too well. They were still the same. Daehyun was still the same. Although he looked more matured, his figure barely grew bigger from the last sixteen years. And he was still beautiful.

                Daehyun too had frozen in his spot. All of his fears became true. Mixed of feelings surged throughout his body; guilt, shame, sadness. He felt like they were going to burst out along with the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. But he held them in, keeping them firmly in his small heart.

                “Anyeong haseyo, Yongguk-ssi. I’ve brought you the new housekeeper,” Mrs. Byun spoke up, making both Yongguk and Daehyun tore their stares away.

                Yongguk nodded at her, showing that he acknowledged it. He then glanced at the other man who had his head downcast. Mrs. Byun gave a nudge to Daehyun’s arm. The younger just realized what he was supposed to do.

                “A-Anyeong haseyo. I’m…” Daehyun paused, still didn’t have the courage to look up. “I’m… Jung Daehyun… Please take care of me…” He bowed and waited for somebody’s response.

                “You can leave for work now, Yongguk-ssi. I’ll show him around and tell him what to do,” Mrs. Byun said.

                There was a moment of silent. Daehyun didn’t dare to lift his head but he could feel a pair of eyes on him. It made him restless, wishing that he could just vanish from there.

                “Okay…” Yongguk finally uttered after a while. He stepped aside to let them in.

                “Come,” Mrs. Byun pulled Daehyun’s wrist to bring him in.

                As he was passing the older man, Daehyun couldn’t fight the urge to take a glimpse of him, just to make sure that he really wasn’t dreaming, that it’s really Yongguk. Then he found that the latter was already staring at him in disbelief and somehow, it felt like a déjà vu.

                Yongguk didn’t go to work straightaway. Instead, he followed those two to everywhere they went, keeping a safe distance for them to not notice him. They were in the kitchen right now. Maid Byun was showing Daehyun where everything was placed at while he was hiding behind the wall, admiring the love of his life from afar.

                Daehyun’s hair was not prettily styled anymore. His body remained slim and petite. He looked so tired though, as if he had survived a disaster. Yongguk just wanted to run to him and embraced the fragile figure in his arms. But he had no idea why, his feet rooted to the ground.

                It didn’t make sense. They were already so close yet it felt so far for Yongguk. This was what he wanted the whole time; to see Daehyun again. But not a single word came out from his mouth to say that he missed him, that he longed for him, that he still loved him.

                Was it because he’s too happy? Or maybe he was mad? Yongguk nodded to himself. Yes, he was mad because Daehyun took so long to come back to him. But the way Daehyun looked at him just now, it’s like the younger was sending him the same apologizing gaze as he did when they met for the first time years ago. Those large eyes and guilt-ridden face… How could he be mad at him?

                Yongguk ran the fingers through his hair, thinking that it’s impossible to put the blame on Daehyun. He knew it. He was just not ready yet. He needed some time to clear his mind and speaking of that, he should really go to work right now.

###

                “He usually comes home at seven. Make sure the dinner is ready by then,” Mrs. Byun said as they’re walking to the door.

                “I can go home after that, right? I need to make dinner for Junhong too,” Daehyun asked, staying inside while the older woman stepped out of the house.

                “Of course,” She retorted. “Here’s the passwords for the gates and the door.”

                Daehyun took the piece of paper from her, bobbing his head up and down.

                “I’ll go now. Work hard and make sure you come on time tomorrow,” She gave Daehyun a pat on the shoulder with a genuine smile.

                Daehyun’s lips curved upwards for a moment before dropping back once Mrs. Byun had walked away from there. He closed the door and turned around to the empty house. He didn’t know what’s happening anymore. This was too sudden, too absurd.

                Daehyun leaned his back against the door. He clutched to his chest, where his heart was beating agonizingly painful since he had seen Yongguk. Biting his lips, he tried to hold in the tears again. But no, he was not that strong when nobody’s looking. His eyes shut tightly, crystal beads fell to his cheeks.

                Daehyun’s body slid down while he bawled his feelings out. His sobs echoed throughout the house. He never had a thought of that man for such a long time because he knew, it would break his heart into pieces. And he needed to hide it from his son, from anyone else. His broken heart would slowly heal with time. He would patiently wait on his own, without anybody to lean on. But when it’s almost recovered, he would think about Yongguk again and the process repeated itself.

                He missed Yongguk, he really did. But did he have the right to do so? Yongguk must’ve hated him back then. Maybe he still hated him now. He knew he deserve it. He was so ashamed of himself, too ashamed to even ask Yongguk for forgiveness. His life was full of mistakes. But he kept doing it by agreeing to work here. As if his current life wasn’t already hard enough, he had got himself into another hardship.

                Daehyun hastily wiped the tears away with his sleeves. He shouldn’t be crying now. He got a job to do. When the tears wouldn’t stop flowing, he wiped them over and over again. He stood up and took a vacuum from the storage room to start cleaning the house. The noisy sound from the machine engulfed his unceasing sobbing.

###

                Yongguk made up his mind as he drove back to his house. He didn’t call his driver today, only when he wasn’t so tired to drive by himself. He spent countless hours at his office thinking on how he should face Daehyun after this. If Daehyun wanted to ignore him, or pretend that he didn’t know him, maybe he would do the same. But on a second thought, he wouldn’t let Daehyun do that. They’re grown-ups now. Not the young immature teenagers anymore.

                Yongguk got into his house and it was unexpectedly quiet. All the lights were . There was a lingering delicious smell coming from the kitchen. His heart began to thump loudly in his chest but he braved himself. His feet slowly padded to meet the younger man who had invaded his mind throughout the day.

                Plates of dishes were nicely arranged on the dining table. They were still steamy, showing that they had just been cooked a few minutes before. But Daehyun was nowhere to be seen. Yongguk looked around the kitchen, hoping that his housekeeper was still here. Instead, only a folded paper could be found stuck under a fridge magnet. Yongguk quickly tugged it off and read the few words written on the paper.

                I have to go home. I hope you enjoy the meal, Yongguk-ssi.

                I’m sorry.

                So this is how he plays the game… Yongguk scoffed. He stared at the word ‘I’m sorry’ longer that he should. It felt like those words meant a lot more than that. Unconsciously, tears started to well in his eyes, blurring all the words in the paper. His hands were shaking. The paper was crumpled in his fist before it was thrown to the floor. The dinner was left untouched that night.

###

                Days went by just like that. Yongguk would go to work early in the morning and Daehyun would come in the afternoon. The elder tried to go home earlier but the works had been keeping him from doing so. And despite how early he could get to his home, Daehyun was already gone, leaving the hot meal and the same note every single day. Daehyun still wrote it even though he would find it tossed somewhere on the floor the next day.

                Yongguk only ate the dinner when he was too hungry to think. But now, he’s really mad at Daehyun. The younger treated him like they never known each other before. Sometimes, Yongguk was confused whether Daehyun had really come back to him or it’s just an illusion of his mind that was going crazy. He even attempted to make his house messier; leaving the dirty plates on the table and throwing the used clothes everywhere, just in case Daehyun would stay longer to finish his chores. Even so, he still couldn’t see him when he got home and everything in the house would be put back into places.

                Because of that, after almost a week had passed, Yongguk was determined to face Daehyun. Although his works were stacking up in the office, he came home early in the evening, surprising Daehyun who was arranging the newspapers and magazines in the living room. The younger man gaped at him with wide eyes, as if he was seeing a walking dead while Yongguk kept his straight face and stared at the other.

                Daehyun scrambled to get on his feet from his kneeling position. He stood there, lips parted and closed, unsure on what should he say.

                “Go make the dinner,” Yongguk turned his face to the side as he said his order.

                Daehyun gulped. Yongguk looked so angry and he was scared. He had the slightest idea that it was because of him. He could make that guess just with his crumpled notes he found on the kitchen floor everyday. Without saying anything, he hurried to the kitchen to begin his cooking. He knew that someday, it would come down to this. But he was never ready for it.

                His works were exceptionally slow today. He couldn’t concentrate since he could feel somebody was boring holes at his back. He knew Yongguk was observing him while leaning against the wall but he didn’t have the guts to shoo him away so that he could cook in peace. Who’s the master anyway.

                After one hell of an hour, Daehyun finally finished. The time was almost seven by now. He turned around from the kitchen island to bring the dishes to the dining table, only to be shocked with a motionless figure that was still standing there. His hands wobbled, almost dropping the plates but they were secured by a fast reflex of Yongguk. The elder casually took the plates from Daehyun and went to the dining table. Daehyun blinked his eyes couple of times, still trying to believe that Yongguk had stayed there for an hour.

                When everything was settled on the six seater table, Yongguk went to sit at the very end of it. Daehyun stood beside him as he carefully taking off his apron. He noticed how Yongguk’s face had aged along the years. His hair was cut short, still looking very good in his eyes. He bit his lips for a second before muttering the first words to the elder today.

                “I’ll…go home now…” Daehyun’s statement was more like asking for permission from his master.

                Yongguk didn’t reply. His eyes glued to the food. Daehyun assumed the silence was an approval. So he slowly turned away from there.

                “Wait,” Yongguk spoke up, making Daehyun tensed on his spot.

                With an anxious feeling, Daehyun turned back at the older man. “Yes…?”

                Yongguk glanced at him with sharp eyes which caused Daehyun’s breath to hitch. “I need you to make lunch starting from tomorrow.”

                Daehyun’s eyes widened, wondering how much surprises he would receive today. “W-What…? B-But I thought… I just need to cook for the dinner…”

                “You’ll make dinner too. I’ll come home at noon to have lunch,” Yongguk stared with an unreadable expression.

                Daehyun really wanted to object but it seemed like Yongguk wouldn’t have any tolerance if he ever said anything.

                “And I want you to stay until I finish the dinner and clean it up tonight, not tomorrow,” Yongguk added, now with his arms crossed over his chest.

                “But I have to go home…” Daehyun muttered. His brows knitted together, looking like a kicked puppy. Yongguk didn’t show that he was affected by it though.

                The elder averted his eyes to the table. He gritted his teeth, as if he was holding something in. “Why?”

                Daehyun began to feel restless. He was so scared if Yongguk was really getting mad at him. He fidgeted on his spot, thinking of the best answer to give. But he had none besides going back to feed his son. And he would never want Yongguk to know about it. After quite a while, he finally spoke up. “I’m just going to make a phone call…”

                Daehyun started to walk into the kitchen. He was pulling the phone out of his pocket when he heard the screeching sound of a chair being pushed away. Before he could take a look, his arm was harshly tugged by Yongguk, making them facing each other in a very close distance.

                “I asked you why…” Yongguk’s eyes were wet with the tears that were threatening to fall. “Why are you being like this?”

                “What…?” Daehyun whispered. He was in complete shock to see the elder like this. His eyes darted between Yongguk’s.

                Yongguk held the younger man by the thin arms. “Daehyun… Jung Daehyun…” He slightly shook the smaller body, in the same way to wake someone from a dream. “It’s me, Yongguk. I’m Bang Yongguk… It’s me…” Crouching a bit, he was now eye leveled with the latter. “Do you not recognize me?” He whimpered, having the most pleading eyes which had stream of tears flowing from them.

                Daehyun saw how Yongguk’s eyes turned red, his desperate face was soaked with sweat and tears. His eyes were feeling the heat, his heart was tearing apart due to Yongguk’s wrenching sobs.

               “I…” He tried to say something but immediately cut off by his own suppressed hiccups. He didn’t know when he started weeping. He just realized Yongguk’s face was already clouded with the tears in his eyes.

                “Why are you treating me like you don’t know me? Don’t you know I missed you to death?!” Yongguk’s hands moved to cup his cheeks. His thumbs busily wiping the tears away from Daehyun’s beautiful face.

                “Yong – Yongguk, I – ” Daehyun was constantly gasping for air. His crying was uncontrollable. It was too painful and he cried his heart out.

                The phone was dropped to the floor. Daehyun gripped both of Yongguk’s hands which were bringing their faces closer. Nobody said a word, only sniffles and sobs could be heard.

                Then, Yongguk captured Daehyun’s lips with his.

16 years ago

                “Hey, that’s my spot!”

                Yongguk’s body jumped due to the loud voice. He quickly turned to his side to send a glare to whoever that had disturbed his private peaceful moment at the rooftop. But the scowl on his face faded once he saw Daehyun standing there.

                “Oh, it’s you…” Daehyun murmured, his scowling face returned to normal.

                Yongguk stared at the other, unable to think of an appropriate reaction. His eyes never left Daehyun even when the younger rushed to him before kneeling at his side.

                “Oh my God…” Daehyun studied Yongguk’s face, from the cuts above his eyes, to his cheeks, until his lips. “Did they beat you up again?” He asked with a hand on the elder’s shoulder, making the injured boy all flustered.

                Yongguk didn’t respond. He just diverted his eyes down.

                “Stay here,” Daehyun said and left the confused Yongguk behind.

                It’s getting late. Yongguk doubted if Daehyun would really come back. After quite a while, Daehyun finally appeared in front of him with heavy panting. He crouched down with hands on his knees to regain his breathing. Yongguk looked up, wanting to ask the junior where he had been but he couldn’t find the nerves to do it.

                Daehyun plopped down in front of him with a plastic bag in his grip. They were sitting a little too close that Yongguk had to straighten his back and cross his legs properly. But Daehyun only shuffled closer until their knees touched each other.

                “I have antiseptic cream and plasters,” Daehyun pursed his lips as he took out the things from the plastic bag.

                Yongguk arched up an eyebrow.

                Daehyun raised his brows back.

                They stayed like that for a moment before Daehyun let out a sigh. “Okay, I’ll do it,” He squeezed some of the cream into his forefinger and tried to put it on Yongguk’s face. Yongguk flinched.

                Daehyun clicked his tongue. “Stay still.”

                Yongguk complied and let the younger do whatever he wanted to do. It stung but he was more focused on the other’s flawless face. Daehyun looked so concentrated on treating his wounds. And the fact that there was only a small gap between their faces made his heart skip a beat.

                “Can’t you talk?” Daehyun asked while putting back the cap to the cream.

                “I-I c-can…” Yongguk stuttered out his deep voice, causing the younger’s eyes to sparkle in awe.

                “May I know your name? I’m Daehyun. Jung Daehyun,” He introduced himself with his usual cheerful tone before putting the plasters on the wounds.

                Yongguk noticed how Daehyun’s plump lips curved upwards, revealing his pearly straight teeth, and the way his eyes would form pretty crescents. It was perfect. Daehyun was perfect when he’s smiling.

                “Yongguk… Bang Yongguk.”

                “Can I call you Yongguk hyung?”

                Yongguk already had so much liking hearing it from Daehyun, so he nodded his head.

                “I’m so sorry on their behalf,” Daehyun placed his hand on Yongguk’s knee without any sort of warning. “I don’t even understand why would they do this to you. They could be so childish sometimes,” He sounded so frustrated and genuine, although the thought of hating him had never crossed the elder’s mind. Yongguk knew he was different.

                “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault,” Yongguk tried to ignore the physical contact at his knee. But the silence followed after that wasn’t helping at all. Their close position was making him even more agitated. He almost heaved a sigh of relief when Daehyun took his hand away.

                “Are you new here?” Daehyun inquired.

                “Yes…”

                “Where are you from?”

                “Ijakdo…”

                “Oh… So that’s why I’ve never seen you here before,” Daehyun paused, his lips turned into a pout and Yongguk thought it’s cute. “But you should’ve notice what I wrote here,” Daehyun pointed to the wall where Yongguk was resting his back. The older boy shifted to the side to take a look. Written there was a large Daehyun’s name, with a marker pen, maybe.

                “Oh, I’m sorry,” Yongguk wanted to get up but Daehyun caught his arm.

                “You can stay. The sun is about to set.”

                Daehyun moved to sit beside Yongguk. He hugged his knees as he gazed at the horizon where the sun was setting.

                Yongguk was more interested in him. “You’d come here everyday to watch the sunset?” He asked, admiring Daehyun’s beautiful side profile.

                Daehyun’s lips thinned when he answered. “Just during bad days…”

                Yongguk swore he saw something. The moment when Daehyun’s eyes lost their glint, when Daehyun’s bright face dimmed, when Daehyun’s soul felt sadder than before. His heart was in pain seeing the younger without a shining smile.

                Daehyun was just like the sun. He came to shine on his gloomy day after he encountered the bullies. And when the sun was setting, Daehyun too was losing the brightness in himself, like the sunset that would leave a dark sky behind. Yongguk never felt a darker twilight in his life. But the sun was still shining on him till it’s last bit, reflecting the glow on Daehyun’s caramel skin and brown hair, making him even more beautiful.

                Yongguk’s heart skipped a beat once again. He realized that maybe, just maybe, his heart had started to beat for a reason.

                A reason named Daehyun.

###

I want to see you and I want to hold you

So I look up to the sky and pray

It can’t be if it’s not you

I can’t be without you

Being hurt like this for days, months even years

Even if I’m hurt, it’s fine

Even if my heart hurts, it’s fine

That’s right, it’s because I love you

Song : It Has To Be You by Yesung

So, about BAP’s lawsuit, I hope everything will be fine. I just wanted BAP to stay together and be happy. They’ve gone through their dark times and I believe the sun is going to shine on them one day. I’m missing them so much T_T

#ForeverWithBAP

#JusticeForBAP