Kim Mae Ri

“Cut! Put some more energy into it and feel happy. We already have 8 NGs.” The director said.

“I’m sorry.” The Kim Soo Hyun seemed aloof.

“So what’s the talk of passion when you can’t even do such a romantic scene?” I wanted to say that to his face. But something seemed wrong. It’s been a week and as I heard from others, he was usually exceptionally well. I don’t know. He was okay earlier. “Do I feel even a teensy-tiny bit amount of pity for him?” I scoffed at the thought.

That week, I was assisting the gaffers and camera men. We’re in a house unit in the hongdae area where the lead actress and lead actor are shooting a playful and romantic scene in the living room.

“Okay, we’ll take a break for 10 minutes.” The Director said.

“I’m sorry.” Kim Soo Hyun apologized again and bowed to the staff. I didn’t move an inch from where I was standing.

The manager approached him. “Soo Hyun, is there any problem?” He asked.

“Ah, Mianeh hamnida hyung. I just need to get some air.” Soo Hyun replied while trying to compose himself.

“Ka (Go)” The manager said.

I didn’t even try to eavesdrop, it’s just that they’re quite near and audible from where I stand. Soo Hyun’s gaze seems to loiter around and he looks grim. He stepped outside while I sat on the nearby chair and drank water. “I wonder...” I whispered to myself.

Finally, the shoot was over. The equipments were loaded in the truck. The place was cleaned. And everyone is moving out. The location manager asked me to turn off the lights when everyone left. Once again, I bowed to all the people leaving and said goodbye to my OJT mates. I guess I was the last one to leave. I fixed my things and carried my hobo bag over to my shoulder. I went to the house door and reached  for the circuit breaker. I turned off the lights and locked the door.

I was on my way to the bus stop. I love walking around hongdae. The streets were effortlessly alive. The sounds of casual conversations and people walking around while looking for a good time.

"Aish," I said as I was walking while busily and looking for my phone at my bag. Then I looked up.

“Whoah, kkamjjakiya! (You surprised me!)” I took a step back seeing Soo Hyun leaning against his SUV. I looked to my left, right and back. “Who is he waiting for? Why is he here in this place? This isn't a place for a star to hangout.” I thought to myself.

He turned and stood up. He started walking towards me. I couldn’t take my eyes of him. I was in disbelief and curled my eyebrows. “I thought we are not in speaking terms?” I said.

“You owe something. Didn’t you? I want you to pay me back.” He grabbed my wrist and dragged me to his car.

“Yah! Let go of me. It hurts.” We stopped in front of the car. He opened the car door for me and signaled his hand for me to go in.

“Aren’t you getting in?” He said.

I looked at his hand and then his face. “Yah, this guy is really crazy. I’m not paying you back with my body.” I sneered at him.

“Who says your going to do that?” He slyly grinned. “You drink right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then let’s go.” I looked at him directly in the eye. Honestly, what could be worse? I could probably take him out anyway.  I went in the car. He closed the door and went to the side to the driver’s seat. He started the car and we started to drive into Seoul’s night.

“Really, why am I letting myself be dragged like this?”  I thought to myself and crossed my hands.

We were basically on a non-talking trip. I looked at him in the mirror and his eyes, it still looks so sullen. We went into a building in Itaewon. Kim Soo Hyun found a spot and parked his fancy SUV. He went out. I just walked behind him and followed his lead. We stepped on the elevator but didn't spoke or even looked at each other. This silence is uncomfortable, I hate it.

We went inside a pink tinge medieval designed bar. It was quite dark. At thursdays night, the fancy bar isn’t as crowded as it could be on Saturdays or Fridays. The strobes are flashing and there was EDM music. Some people are drinking. Some are dancing. And some are just people watching.

“Yah! Why are we here?” I asked loudly while I speed up my walk and tried to catch up to him.

“It’s dark and the VIP room is far from the crowd. I won’t get noticed as much.” He answered as we made our way to the VIP area across the dance floor.

“Can you even talk here? It’s so noisy.” I said as I looked around.

We went to the steps and the bouncer checked our things. When cleared, he allowed us to enter. We sat at one of the black leather couch square booths. I sat facing him.

“See? It’s not as noisy here as the dance floor. And there’s a lot of bouncers.” He said.

“I guess so.” I replied while still looking around at the place. “Hhul~ No one’s inside the VIP room. Is it because we’re too early?” I said out loud. Kim Soo Hyun tried to smile lightly. He raised his hand to ask for the waiter.

“What do you want to drink?” Kim Soo Hyun

“I’m okay with beer.” I replied, looking down. It’s expensive in these kind of clubs. I wouldn't waste that much money.

“Are you sure? Don’t worry, you won’t pay.” He said. I looked up and smiled awkwardly.

“Jinja? What happened to the cheapskate Soo Hyun?” I said.

“This is the last time that this will happen SO enjoy it.” He said with honorifics and feeling visibly annoyed.

“We’ll have a bottle Jack Daniels instead and some sushi please.” Soo Hyun said to the waiter. The waiter took his order and went away. Soo Hyun, again was staring at the distance.

“So... for a guy who’s overly concerned with his craft, why are you risking yourself of being seen with me?” I said as I sat comfortably while watching the dance floor.

Soo Hyun sighed. “It’s...” I looked at him and his eyes looked teary.

“Yah, don’t cry! What’s wrong with you? What happened? You've been like that since this afternoon!” Aish, so this is why he’s a great actor. He’s really emotional.

He fixed his seat and directed his body towards me. However, he still kept on staring on the dance floor. I fixed my eyes on him. The waiter brought the drinks and food. He didn’t budge.

“Thank you.” I said to the waiter. And he went away.

“I brought you here to listen to me. So shut up and don’t make any judgments. Remember, you owe me.” He said with a gloomy but stern tone as he poured himself a shot and drank it.

I scoffed, “What a stubborn guy.” how can a guy who’s so close to crying still give me threat.

“Okay, I won’t say anything more.” I fixed the way I sit. “Spill.” I added as I leaned my head towards him to hear clearly.

“By last year, I was pretty much loved with everyone. I got numerous endorsement deals.

Everybody wanted to be near me.

Everybody wanted to be me.

Everybody judge what I do.

Even when I just wanted to joke around, people misinterpreted it.

It’s suffocating,I became so self conscious that it was hard to meet new people or even get close to them.

This was early last year.

I was really anxious. I was afraid. I hid more than I do now. I tried to escape the people and fame.

Blind items appeared here and there. Some are misunderstood events and some are just plain false. I hated it. I hated the feeling that the public tries to destroy the image that I worked hard to build all these years.They didn’t know what I went through to get here. I dreaded the day where I'll feel insignificant and belittled.

So I... I became a secret to everybody. I was tired, very, very tired.

But somebody tried her best to break down that barrier that I tried to build... it was Suzy. Ever since training with JYP for 3 months with Dream High, she was there. She tried hard to build the relationship  between Ssam Dong and Hye Mi. She would always talk cheerfully to me and sometimes, arrogantly. But maybe that’s her charm. She did all that. Even when I wasn’t the famous Kim Soo Hyun that I am now.

Even after becoming more renowned through the Moon that Embraces The Sun, she didn’t changed. She continued to text me. We continued to communicate. She would continue to cheer me up.

“Soo Hyun-ah! Himnae! ^0^ ❤❤❤ Call me later? Keke. Let’s meet. ”

She would always say that in our messages and calls. It was little but it gave me strength. By then, I really thought she liked me.

But she wasn’t perfect, she had somebody too.

When she started Gu Family Book, she started to fancy Sung Joon. We weren’t in a relationship and we were apart, so I was in no way to stop her. She carelessly went out to meet him. But after the dating scandal, she faced quite an emotional punishment. Sung Joon didn’t contact her. They were both stars, there was too much to give up. She was sad and crying. I wanted to give back so I comforted her and continued to meet her in private. Mid 2013, that was when she and I happened.

I didn’t care about it and for years, I only looked at her.

Although, I’ve always known she had lingering feelings for Sung Joon. I just didn’t want to recognize it.

But... now. I don’t know anymore.I just feel dirty and... cheated.

Is it because we grew apart all these years? I tried so hard to be with her but in a heartbeat, she would say yes to that guy.”

“Kim Soo Hyun-ssi.” That’s all I can say. I listened to him with so much intent.

Kim Soo Hyun took his second shot of rum and just let his the tears fall. 

He was silently hurting. I was speechless. Who knew that this person who I’ve distantly liked for a year was experiencing this. He was just human. And in love. I can’t even have the guts to say anything.

I just stared at him. His eyes reminded me of something.

After he said he wanted to break up. I was frozen and I didn’t want to believe it.

“Mae Ri...” Barry’s voice still echoed to my head.

“Bwoh (What)? How did it happen?” I said in a faint tone, my eyes are moist and my voice was cracking. I wanted to sound apathetic. I really wanted to.

He didn’t answer.

“Was it somebody? Or did you just fell out of love?” I said sternly but God knows I was shaking.

“It’s true that I fell out of love. But, Mae Ri, there was something you needed to know.”

“What was it?”

“It’s vague. I can’t answer you about that somebody.” The tears flowed.

“What do you mean you can’t answer me? What vague is that!There was somebody! How could you do this to me! Jinri was right. There’s a reason why you’ve been to me these past months.” I sniffed and tried to control my voice.

“Yes, there was somebody. But please stop it, Mae Ri. Don’t insult me.”

“What do you mean stop it?! You stop it! How could you do this to me. How long have you been meeting each other?!” I exclaimed and my voice was loud and almost screaming.

“3 months.” That was all he can tell me.

“You stupid son of a .” I said but I couldn’t say it loudly, my voice was failing.

“I’m sorry Mae Ri.” Those were his last words. I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I pressed end – the literal end.

The other coffee shop patrons were now looking at me. It was embarassing but I didn’t care. Before the waiter approached me, I got up and ran out. I didn’t care. I tried to convince myself.

Tears fell on my face. Darn, I was so into my head. I blinked and glanced at him for a moment. Phew, good thing he was not looking at me. I looked away and yawned so I could just say that I was sleepy as I casually wiped my tears. Then, I poured myself a first shot and swallowed the feelings away.

“If you ever tried to tell this to anybody, you’re done in this industry.”

“Yah, one moment you’re a crybaby and now you’re some scary dictator.” I tried to lighten the mood.

“I’m serious.” He said as he looked at me. I was caught off guard. He then poured himself his 3rd shot.

“Ahem, I cleared my throat.” I tried to organize my thoughts. Then I tried to take 2 shots in a go. I couldn’t let him just be drunk by himself, do I? “So, why are you saying this to me again? Don’t you have friends? Are you some kind of stereotypical star who’s loner?”

He looked at me for a second. “Only one person knows this and he’s overseas.”

“Who was it?” I asked.

“Il woo.” He replied quickly. His eyes were becoming visibly weary. I didn’t know what to say. I’m not really updated with the celebrity happenings.

There was a few minutes of silence. Kim Soo Hyun rested his head in the soft couch’s head. I couldn’t say anything too. I wanted to comfort him. But I wanted to comfort myself too. Besides, what good can someone who just broke up with her long-term boyfriend say to the person who’s having a somewhat one-sided love for years. Isn’t that worse?

“Take the chill pill. I don’t blabber my mouth and as much as I hate you, I don’t want to pry on people’s private lives.”

“Then that’s good.” He drank his fifth shot of Jack Daniels.

I poured mine too and drank a shot. I twitched my lips. The crying Soo Hyun was much gentler than this trying to be tough Soo Hyun.

A few minutes passed and I continued to drink the rum. Soo Hyun was still resting his head on the couch.

“Soo Hyun-ssi?” I called to him. There was no response. I turned my full attention to him.

“Yah, what is this?! He fell asleep?! He knows darn well that I don’t have money to pay for this.” I went to his side and nudged him.

“Soo Hyun-ssi! Wake up! We have a shoot!” I tapped his shoulder. Zero response.

I shaked his entire existence but still nothing. His mouth was now opened.

“Aigoo. What kind of man knocks out because of 5 shots?! 5 SHOTS! Why order something like this when you can’t handle it!” I said to his sleeping self. “I can just leave, right?” I stood up and walked 3 steps. But I couldn’t bring myself to take another step. I was so sure that if I left him like this, he’ll get robbed and the news will spout some kind of nonsense. I went back to Soo Hyun’s side.

I raised my hand and called the waiter for the bill. He approached me and within seconds the bill was delivered to our table. The waiter asked if we were okay, and I said it’s fine. I got it. He stood there as he was waiting for the bill.

“Gah, it’s too noisy.” I’ve said to myself. The noisy atmosphere makes me even more confused. This is why I don’t like clubs. "Get your together Mae Ri."

First, the money. I searched for his wallet in his pants pockets. I might’ve look like some kind of ert to this waiter oppa but I just want this to be over with. My eyes lightened, “Found it!” I said positively.

I didn’t want to snoop but I opened his brown leather wallet.  I looked for cards or money to pay for drinks. But one thing caught my eye. It was Soo Hyun’s family picture. “So he was an only son. What a beautiful family.” I said to myself.

From my peripherals, I saw the waiter staring at me. As if he was suspicious of what I’d do to this guy. Please, I won’t touch him. I looked for his cards and saw one with a visa and mastercard credit card. I gave it to the waiter and he bowed and accepted the card.

“Ottoke (What do I do)? So much trouble! Aish! You’re going to pay for this Kim Soo Hyun.” I stood up and got my hobo bag. I looked for the hoodie jacket that I always bring. I stood up and tried to put the hoodie on him. “You are going to pay for this Soo Hyun! Remember that!” I said loudly and scornfully to his ear. I could see a slight change in his facial expression. "Yah! Are you punishing me! Wake up!" This is useless.

Even though I hate this guy, I just can’t let anybody see him. But, I don’t even know how to drive, and I just drank alcohol. Aigoo... I’ve decided that we take the taxi. The waiter came back and gave me the receipt and card. “Thanks.” I bowed to the waiter. I placed the card and receipt in the wallet and placed it back to his pants pocket. Then I turned to Kim Soo Hyun face and covered it with my jacket’s hoodie. “It’s good that it’s dark. You’re barely recognizable.” I said to the drunk alien.

I got up and placed his hand over my shoulder. I carried this heavy piece of Kim Soo Hyun is. What a tard. I can’t help but curse at what happened. I continued to make my way across the dance floor. I can feel the people staring at me. “Yah, Kim Soo Hyun. You owe me big time. Give my ID back when you wake up. Arasseo?!” I struggled and panted as we reached the club exit. I went to the sidewalk and got a taxi. I strived to get him first in the back seat.

I told the taxi driver the building he was living in Gangnam. It was not a bad thing that I once slept in his house. At least I know where he lives. “I’m tired too." I yawned and fell asleep for a short while. I opened my eyes and the driver was calling me.

“Agasshi, we’re here.” The driver repeatedly said.

“Ah thank you Ahjussi.” I said as I came to my senses. I hurriedly got on my feet and pulled Kim Soo Hyun out of the cab. We entered the lobby and then the elevator. Finally! we got to the front of his unit.

“Good thing you have a fingerprint scanner. Or else we’re done for Do Min Joon.”  I cleaned his thumb and placed it in the scanner. The door opened and we went on our way in. The place was  familiar so I didn’t have such a hard time looking for the bedroom.  When we got to his bedroom, we both fell into the bed back first.  

“I’m so tired! Why are you so heavy!” I turned to my right to see a sleeping Kim Soo Hyun. I wanted to curse at him even more but I couldn’t say anything. He looked like an angel.  I continued to breathe heavily.

I lifted my head. I can’t help but see that his skin is glowing. His eyelashes are long. And his eyes are beautifully slanted.  I lifted my finger and slightly brushed his eyelids. His eyes moved. I was startled but I just couldn’t look away. I lightly touched his nose and traced it to his moist lips. Was it the alcohol? Why am I like this?

I was enchanted.

I suddenly felt a hand caught my wrist. My eyes widened. It was his.

He slowly opened his eyes. I was panting heavily. My hair was messy and my face was a bit sweaty. He leaned towards me. I could feel his breathe, he was breathing heavily as I was. I could smell him and the tinge of alcohol. I didn’t want to close my eyes,  but as his lips touched mine. My mind was blank. I wasn’t able to resist. I closed my eyes in surrender.

I can’t stop it anymore.

I felt the room getting hot. I felt his skin touching mine.

We were both sweaty.

It was dark.

But I could hear his voice and I know he can hear mine.

I yearned for that feeling – the feeling of being wanted.

It wasn’t about being an actor and a fan.  It’s about being a man and woman.

But... what are we doing?

Please, just this time. I know it’s wrong and it’s selfish of me, but, can I make a mistake?