What If I Really Don't Want To?

NOTE: I wrote a (rather) important announcement here. And I hope that you'll read it.

Taecyeon sat at his desk, leaning slightly forward with his lips leaning against his index finger and thumb in a lightly clenched fist. His eyebrow furrowed as his eyes moved from the computer screen to his cellphone on his left. He hesitated for a moment, before he picked it up. The keypad loaded up on his phone upon a simple touch, and then he tapped on “2” and held onto it. The line went through immediately as the name “Jess :)” popped up on the screen. He mindlessly chewed on his thumb while waiting for the call to be connected.

“Hello!” The bright greeting shocked Taecyeon a bit.

“Hey Jess.”

“Yes Mr Ok what can I do for you?” Jessica teased and Taecyeon almost found her happiness unbelievable.

“I think I’ve already gotten what I wanted actually,” Taecyeon replied with a smile that Jessica could hear though the phone.

“What is it?”

“I just wanted to call and ask if you were fine. You were kinda…worrying me a bit.”

“Ah…” Jessica felt a slight tinge of guilt. “I’m fine Taec. Sorry for…making you worried. I seem to make you worry a lot, don’t I?”

Taecyeon let out a small laugh, and then a small sigh. “As long as you’re fine at the end of the day.”

“My knight in shining armour again. Stop making me feel bad will you!”

“It depends,” Taecyeon spoke with weariness in his voice that Jessica didn’t notice. “Well then I’ll see you at home tonight in that case?”

“I’ll buy our favourite food! Dinner’s on me tonight.”

“A man never—”

“Shut up Taec. You can reject all you want, but I’m gonna buy it no matter what. Dump it if you don’t wanna eat it then.” Jessica’s chic voice only made Taecyeon shake his head, unable to take the smile away from his face for even the slightest moment.

“When will you ever learn to become a proper, demure wife?” It was Taecyeon’s turn to tease.

“I’m proper enough for you, mister.”

“I miss you, Jess,” Taecyeon confessed in a sigh before he knew it.

“I miss you too!”

Taecyeon forced a laugh, and then he continued, “I’ll see you tonight then. Thanks for the dinner in advance.”

“See you at home!”

The smile on his face faded as he ended the call. How long more will I get to hear her saying that? he thought to himself. As timely as it could possibly be, the door to his office swung open and he was welcomed with a face he was only too glad to see. He stood up immediately as a bright smile took over.

“Khun!” He greeted before he was pulled into a tight hug. He patted Nichkhun’s back before he pulled away. “Wow, what brings you here?”

“Business trip,” Nichkhun answered with an eye-smile. “Can’t forget my bro whenever I’m here, can I?”

Twenty minutes later, both Taecyeon and Nichkhun were comfortably seated on the couch in the office, each holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

“So, should I assume that she still doesn’t know?” Nichkhun went straight into the question. Taecyeon only gave a defeated smile, and then he shook his head. “And should I assume too that you aren’t intending to let her know?” Again, he shook his head. “Why?” Nichkhun asked yet again, a frown showing up between his eyebrows.

“There’s no point buddy.”

“I know she likes someone else, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t stand a chance at all. You were at her side for the past few years. Surely she feels somethin’!”

“I don’t really wanna complicate things, you know. It’s great having her by my side, even if she likes someone else. I can’t—” Taecyeon paused, trying to find the right words to say. “I don’t know how it’s— No wait, more like, I don’t remember how it’s like to live without her.”

“That …”

“You didn’t tell Tiffany about it did you?”

“Don’t worry I didn’t. I bet Jessica’s gonna know about it the next minute if I ever tell Tiff.”

Taecyeon pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes. “I ed up.”

“How is falling in love with someone ‘ed up’ Taec? We’ll think of a way.”

“There’s no way, bro. That girl was never mine, and never will be.”

***

Two girls sat in a café, one looking at her phone, the other one looking at her.

“Unnie…” Krystal called out once again to Taeyeon who had ignored her for the past four times. “I said I was sorry…”

Taeyeon continued tapping on her phone, much to Krystal’s frustration.

“Unnie.” Krystal was becoming desperate, and perhaps to a certain extent, annoyed. “Unnie are you really gonna get angry at me for something that damned sister of mine did?” She raised her voice.

When Taeyeon’s cold eyes met Krystal’s, the younger girl suddenly found herself frozen in her spot, a wave of regret washing over her due to her earlier outburst.

“I— I um—” Krystal started stuttering before she knew it. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It was a joke,” Taeyeon spoke, utterly deadpan.

“What?”

“I said it was a joke.”

“What’s a joke?” Krystal raised her eyebrow.

“I’m not mad at you.”

Krystal only let out the breath that she didn’t know she was holding. “I couldn’t sleep because I thought you were angry at me, and now you’re telling me that it was a joke.”

“So you’re telling me that you’d rather I stay mad at you?”

“What? No!” Krystal replied, flustered. When Taeyeon chuckled, Krystal found herself smiling, but the smile didn’t stay. “How…did it go?”

For a while, Taeyeon didn’t know what to say, and then she heaved a sigh. “How did what go? There’s nothing.”

Krystal knitted her brows. “What are you going to do?”

“Is there even anything that I can do?” Taeyeon asked in response, defeat showing her eyes. Then she shook her head. “Absolutely nothing.”

“Then,” Krystal spoke hesitantly. “Are you giving up? On her? On…the two of you?”

This time, Taeyeon kept silent. Sadness was beginning to rage inside of her. She found it unfair. She found Jessica cruel. She found herself stupid. She blamed the world. She blamed Jessica. She blamed herself.

She loved Jessica, and Jessica loved her back. Jessica had been right in front of her. She had been within reach, and Taeyeon had actually wanted more than anything to hold on to Jessica’s hand, but why had she feel so wretched? She couldn’t get past herself, her conscience, her principles. It wasn’t right. She knew it wasn’t right, and what was worse, was that somewhere deep inside, she had wanted to do it, even if it was wrong. She had wanted to lock her lips with that girl. To hell with her marriage. Then, the guilt struck her. She felt like she was torn in between heaven and hell – heaven because it was so right, because there was Jessica, and hell because she was doing everything wrong just for the girl named Jessica Jung, and because it felt so sinfully good.

She squeezed her eyes shut, the familiar choked feeling at coming back to her. “Soojung ah…” With her eyes closed, she asked in a shaky voice, “What if I really don’t want to?”

[A/N] 3/1/15

Time flew, didn't it? This update sure took longer than usual. Emotions wise, I feel it so much, but I don't know if I managed to convey it. To be honest, even as I was writing this chapter, I was getting into Taeyeon's character. The internal conflict was killing Taeyeon (as well as me). It reminded me of OneRepublic*'s 'Counting Stars' — I feel something so right doing the wrong thing, I feel something so wrong doing the right thing.

When I was starting this story, I didn't exactly plan for it to last more than 20 chapters, but the way I see it now, it's probably gonna end at about 30. Whatever it is, write me something. I hope you guys are still here. :)

P.S. Accidentally wrote that the song was by Maroon 5... Thank you dyyalya for pointing it out. :)