A/N:

Most part of this chapter came up to mind even before I wrote the previous chapter. I got the inspiration while listening to Daughter's Love. You could listen to the song while reading the chapter, to get you in the brooding mood.. haha.. Enjoy.. :)

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It's amazing how a book could give such a huge effect to a person. But given that the diary told her the story of her life, it was no wonder that it would give such an emotional roller coaster ride to Aerri.
 

It took her almost the whole night to finish reading her diary. But Aerri just couldn't stop reading it. The diary was not written daily, but there was a new entry at least once in every month in general. The contents of the diary told her a lot of about herself and her thoughts and everything around her and her friends, spanning from when she was around 18-19 years old to when she was 22 years old. It showed her how much she loved life, even on those ratchet days when nothing turned out right. It showed her how much she loved everyone around her, her family and her friends, even on those days when she missed her parents. It showed her how much she loved music and how much she loved making it and playing it.

But if there was one thing that was obvious from her diary, it was how much she loved Seunghyun. Her feelings towards the boy could even be seen from the first sentence written in the diary.

Aerri looked at the book she had just finished reading. There are some entries that explained a lot about her relationship with Seunghyun. She opened the book again to read some of it once more.

The first entry on the diary was already about Seunghyun.

Dear Seunghyun,

I bought a diary today. I'd probably won't write on it that often, cause.. well, you know how I am. You're the one who kept calling me 'Lazy Little Aerri'. So you know how lazy I am about these kind of things.

But I guess today I realized that I need to write some things down. Things that I can't say out loud, and things that I'll probably never say out loud. I need to get them out of my chest. Hopefully writing it down would make me  feel better.

You know how in movies and in stories people usually start writing their diary with 'Dear Diary'? Well, I don't think I'm going to do that. Instead, I'm going to start it with 'Dear Seunghyun'. Cause you are the reason I bought this diary. You are the reason why I have things that I can't and won't say out loud.

I like you, Seunghyun.

No, scratch that.. I think I'm in love with you. I mean, isn't that what you call this kind of feeling that could make you so happy yet so miserable at the same time?

I think I've always seen you in a different way, even when we were kids, when you and Jiyong would tease me endlessly and relentlessly and I'd only whine and laugh. Pathetic, am I? Yeah.. I guess I'm pathetic. But I guess I really am in love with you.

There.. I've said it. If I write it down and say it often enough, would it chip away my feelings for you? I hope so. I hope this feeling would chip away, little by little, until someday it would be completely gone. Cause I know 'Lazy Little Aerri' meant 'Seunghyun's Little Sister' to you. Even when I remind you that I'm not your little sister, you'd only laugh.

Oh God, I can't believe I'm actually writing this down. You know this is totally unlike me, right? Haha.. But I can't think of anything else to do to make me feel better. I just need to get this out of my system. And since i can't think of anyone that I could talk to about this, a diary is the only thing I can think of.

I love you, Seunghyun. I hope I don't love you, though. I just wish I can stop.

After that, there are pages and pages of stories about Aerri's daily life. There was only little but sweet details about her and her interaction with Seunghyun. But almost a year since the first entry of the diary, there was an entry about Seunghyun again. Apparently, he had a girlfriend. Aerri was amused by how much her heart clench just by reading her own diary.

Dear Seunghyun,

Do you know why I never want to call you 'oppa'? You kept asking me to call you 'oppa', but I just don't want to. No matter how much you told me that it's weird for a girl to call an older guy 'hyung', but I just can't call you 'oppa'. You even pointed out how I called some other guys 'oppa'. You kept asking me why I wouldn't call you 'oppa'. I only told you that I feel more comfortable calling you 'hyung'.  I can't tell you the real reason, can I?

I can't call you 'oppa' cause you're not my oppa. Everyone thought that we're as close as brothers and sisters. But I just can't call you 'oppa' if I never saw you as my big brother. Not even once. Your place in my heart is not the spot that is reserved for a big brother. I've tried to kick you out of that spot, but I never succeeded so far.

Do you know why I never want to call you oppa? Cause I don't want to fool myself into thinking that you're my oppa or boyfriend. I don't want to lovingly call you oppa, because you are not my boyfriend. Calling you oppa would only be lying. Calling you oppa probably could make me fool myself even more into thinking that you'd ever be something more than a really close friend for me.

Today I saw a girl called you 'oppa' so lovingly. And I think it's quite obvious that she didn't say that word in the terms of big brother either. I envy her so much for being able to do that. I wanted to call you that, but I better not fool myself even more than I already have.

Seunghyun oppa..

Ck..

Stupid Aerri.

The next entry about Seunghyun was written a few months after the previous one. There are some other entries between the two entries. But this one surprised Aerri so much when she first read it.

Dear Seunghyun,

What have we done last night? If you ask me, I'd say we made love. But I wouldn't dare say that, cause you probably didn't think it was anything special. You were drunk, after all. You probably thought I was your girlfriend. You didn't look drunk anymore after we did it. I guess it was probably why you were awkward with me. The alcohol had wore off and you realized that what we had done was a big mistake.

I was also a bit tipsy, but I wasn't as drunk as you were. You drank so much more than I did. So I should have stopped you. Why didn't I stop you? Instead, I kissed you back.. and so much more. Probably I was fooling my self into thinking that you really wanted to do it with me. Or that if we made love than you'd probably realize that you like me too. How can I be so stupid?

You haven't said anything to me since last night. Even after we did it, we just lay there in silence. When we lay on your bed, were you thinking about the mistake we just did? Did you regret it?

And then you remind me that everybody else would be back home soon. You were so awkward when you talked to me. And I didn't know what to say to you. So I went back to my room. You've been avoiding me since then.

I know you regret it. Do I regret it? Yes, I think I do regret it. But not only because we did it, but also because I let myself got carried away. Now I'm even more hurt than before. Especially when I saw Jiyong teasing you about that date you're going to have with that girl next week. You seemed... confused? I guess you felt guilty to her. You were not supposed to screw me behind your girlfriend's back, right? I don't know what made me feel worse. The fact that you regret what we had done, or the fact that you felt guilty to your girlfriend. You must have really love her, huh?

So when just now you said you wanted to talk about last night, I told you that it didn't matter. I didn't have the guts to let you say something, cause I know you're going to apologize to me and ask me to pretend that it never happened. I couldn't imagine the state of myself if you told me that what happened last night was nothing. I'm practically a mess just from trying to convince myself that last night was nothing. Hearing you say it loud and clear would tear me apart.

I already know that it's true anyway. It really didn't matter. What happened didn't change a thing. I just hurt even more.

A few days after that entry, there was another entry written, still about Seunghyun.

Dear Seunghyun,

You know how I loved the small garden that separated the windows of our room? Our house is cool, huh? I love how mom decided to not put down the small tree and to build the house around it. Thanks to that tree, we still have some privacy, but we can easily talk to each other from our room too. We just need to open the window, and talk to each other, peeking through the branches of the small tree. Mother used to say that the room on the second floor was actually meant for me, because a boy and a girl with no blood relation like us shouldn't have the third floor of the house only to ourselves. But of course, Jiyong insisted to have the room on the second  floor. And what Prince Jiyong wants is what Prince Jiyong gets, right?

Anyway, I love how the window made me feel so close to you. I can see your silly dances when you listen to the music, or your serious expression when you study or write your music. I know I sound like a stalker. I'm not a stalker, ok.

But now I hate that window. I saw you with her last night through that window. You didn't notice me, did you? Of course not. The rest of the world probably didn't matter to you when you're with her. Besides, the lights in my room were off when you got home and when you went inside your room. So you probably didn't see me in my room. You probably thought that no one else was home but you and her.

So I saw you kissing her. I hate how the images of your lips moving slowly against hers still etched in my mind. How she pulled the back of your neck and how you caress her cheeks. I wanted to look away, but somehow I just can't. So i saw every small movement you made that chipped me away slowly.

Then my silly mind tried to imagine if I was her. I wondered if you treated me that gentle the other night. You probably did. You're always gentle with me, even when you tease me like you always did.  But i guess that's just how you are. Besides, it didn't matter how you treated me. Cause how you felt when you kissed me was probably nothing to compare with how you feel when you kiss her. I bet your heart beats faster when you kissed her than when you kissed me. With me, it was just physical, right? Just a boy and a girl who got way too drunk one night and did things that they wouldn't do when they were sober. You probably didn't remember a thing from that night with me. But it's different with her cause you love her.

Then she took your shirt off. And I wanted so much to run out of my room, out of the house. But I couldn't move. Besides, I was scared you'd hear me, then you'd know that I saw you. So I forced myself to sleep, crying silently on to my pillow, trying to not make any noise while closing my ears shut with my pillow, afraid of what would happen if i hear any noises. Thankfully you didn't hear me from your room. You were too busy, I guess. And thankfully, I didn't hear anything else too.

I tried to forget about it, but I haven't succeed so far. Then I tried to use it to make myself to forget you. That didn't work too. I guess I just need more time. I hope what I need was only more time. I can't be this pathetic girl in love with you any longer, can I?

Why can't I stop this, Seunghyun? Even after I see it with my own eyes that you are with someone else and not me, that whatever happened that night between us was nothing to you, I still can't stop this. This is hurting me so much, but I still can't stop.

Then there was nothing until a few weeks later. No entry at all, until the next one.

Dear Diary,

Have you ever like a boy so much that you can't help but wonder, what kind of girl he would like? Who is the girl, that would be lucky enough to not only cross his path, but also to walk along his path with him? What kind of girl that would not only caught his eye, but also made him look and made him want her?

Of course someone as perfect like he is wouldn't get anything less than perfection. A beautiful girl with great personality. Elegant, smart, funny, kind. She'll be effortlessly pretty, she'd look good no matter what she wears, she'll look good even with a messy hair and a sweaty forehead. She'll be the perfect balance of tough and fragile, so that she'll be independent but he'd still want to protect her with all his might.

And that's just what he got. His girlfriend is perfect. They are perfect together, like a couple from those magazines that you can't help but feel envious at. Not only they look good together, but they match each other perfectly in personality. They're perfect for each other. They have everything. They have each other.

It makes me wonder, what the hell am I doing for thinking that I'll ever be with him? What the hell was I thinking? Why would he ever want to be with me, if she was in the picture? He had chosen right.

No.. what am I saying? How could he choose when i'm not even an option? I was never an option.  I was always only the little sister. He cared about me, but not that way.

The saddest thing of having a broken heart from having the person you love being in love with someone else is because there’s nothing you can do about it. If I told him how I felt, he'd probably say something like, “I’m sorry. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. But I just don’t feel the same way about you.” Well, what a total bull. If there was nothing wrong with me, then he should have been in love with me, and not her. Because despite of my weirdness and all of my flaws, he’d still love me. Then I’d be perfect, at least for him.

But the truth is I’m not perfect for him. She is. In fact, everything about me is wrong, because I’m not her. If only he’d say that he doesn’t like me because I can’t cook. Then I can try to learn to cook. If only he’d say that he doesn’t like me because I’m too short for him. Then I can stop loving him because he’s  a total douche with a shallow mind. But no. He doesn’t like me because he loves her. He doesn’t like me because I’m not her. And there’s nothing I can do about it. That means I just have to accept the fact, and give up. And that is the saddest thing of al