16 Years Ago (19-20)

Dear Yixing,

I suddenly feel old-fashioned for writing you a letter. I mean, now I can call. But, pen and paper feels so much more familiar. It was weird, right? It was weird. I know. I feel like I should write now and make up for all my shortcomings on the phone. Which was yesterday, by the way, in case you don't see the date on this letter. Or in case you don't mark important events in your calendar like the day you first got a phone call from Korea. Not that I do, or anything. I'm just writing a letter, and that requires knowledge of the day you sit down to write that letter... It's all in the craft. I think.

I heard your voice yesterday. Haha.

I'll make this letter short, because I actually have stuff to study today. I don't even know what, but I guess I'll figure that out when I open up my notebook. Also, I think I depleted every interesting fact about me when I talked to you yesterday. Oh God, now my life is revealed and you'll know that I really am just that boring. I'm sorry. I'm a boring penpal.

Don't write back, it's just a waste of your time.

Chanyeol

P.S. Please write back.

Dear Chanyeol,

Well, you may be boring but I'm okay with that. Talking to you on the phone was pretty cool though. You have just the tinest trace of a weird accent, but I'll forgive you for that. We should make it a habit of talking more though. Maybe once a month? Is that too much? Is that too weird? Why should we need to set up times to speak on the phone anyway. 

Well summer ended, and so has my road trip. If you ever come to California (which you should) you have to go driving up the coast. I know Korea probably has nice coasts too. Actually I don't know that. I don't know anything about it, but here it's beautiful even if it takes forever to drive. We stopped at the Redwood National State Park on the way back down. Have you ever heard of them? They're the tallest trees on earth and absolutely spectacular. I'll find a picture of us in front of one of them. I took so many pictures. They make you feel so tiny, so insignificant. I could have spent days there, except that it was outdoors and kind of hot, and you know how much of an indoor person I am. These road trips are certainly trying to change me.

Anyways school is back on. First semester of a second year, all new classes and a new roommate as well. Brian is gone. Hooray! I mean, he's not gone. He's still around somewhere but we are no longer roommates and that is exciting. Henry is actually living off campus this year. It makes me wonder why I bother spending all this money for a dorm room when I have a perfectly fine house, and parents to feed me. I even thought of moving back this year, but after a year of semi-independence (I say semi, because I still go home most weekends and at least a few nights during the week), I kind of like it. So Joon is my new roommate. I'm actually worried about it, because now that I'm technically living with a friend I'll probably get less work done than when I poured myself into studying just to avoid Brian. We'll see how this goes.

Wish me luck!

Or you could just call me sometime,

Yixing

P.S. Or I could call you

Dear Yixing,

Apologies again for the late letter. What has it been now? A month? Two?I swear I always plan on writing you back as soon as I get the letter and then I don't.

I wish I had a roommate. I wish I just lived away from home. Whatever happened to me studying in America and bunking with you anyway? Plans plans. We make so many plans and then nothing ever happens. I swore I would make myself enjoy this year more, and still I haven't. I need a vacation. Can I come with you on the next road trip? Again, this is just me inviting myself to a lot of things I won't do.

Is college just the time we spend in transition? The time where we reevaluate everything we want and the things we planned on turn into the things we realistically know will happen instead? I wanted to be a musician when I was a kid. I wanted to play piano and guitar like a pro and be in a band. I also wanted to be an astronaut. Is there any kid out there that doesn't want to be an astronaut at some point in their lives? Or an entertainer?

I'm trying to figure out how to date again. My friends say it will cheer me up, but I don't know how it works anymore. I used to be so suave, but now I've lost my confidence. Or maybe I never had it and I just got lucky before. Maybe girls in college don't find me attractive anymore. Or they're too busy with their own lives, or looking for guys who are older and already established. My mom says to wait until I am out of college and then I can get engaged. Engaged. Not even dating, just boom - engaged and then married in a respectable amount of time.

Is it really that easy?

Tell me, oh wise one, if you have any advice. Or just, you know. Write and tell me not to bother caring about anything for a while.

Isn't this a long letter? Consider it my make-up to you for not writing in so long.

Your long suffering penpal/friend/best friend/friend,

Chanyeol

Dear Chanyeol,

I'm writing you back immediately, just to make you feel guilty for taking so long to respond to my last letter. Aren't I a good friend? Now you better write soon, or your conscience will eat away at you and you'll be even more miserable! (Actually, now I feel bad. I'm going to wait at least a week to post this in case you really do feel bad). 

Here are my words of wisdom, as requested: You are 20. (Happy Birthday, by the way. This should reach you around that time anyway.) So yes, you're still young, and you told me to tell you not to worry for a while, so I'm doing that. Is that cheating? Only repeating blandly what you told me to write and say? Well sorry, but I'm no wiser than you.

I once thought I wanted to be a veterinarian because I loved animals. And then I realized I had no tolerance for blood or pain or suffering and I dropped that career path quick. An entertainer though? Maybe. Maybe not, because I'm not outgoing enough. I've been playing the guitar more these days. Joon doesn't mind if I sit around and play in the dorm. Sometimes Henry drops in just because he doesn't have a place to bum around in between classes, but most of the time it's just us. I'm not sure why but Joon doesn't seem to have many other friends either, other than me and Henry. But that's fine with me, since we don't really have any other pursuits. Maybe they know more about girls though? I'll ask for you, and then see if I can give you better words of wisdom.

Hang tight buddy!

Yixing

Dear Chanyeol,

I run the risk of you actually writing immediately, and our letters missing each other in the mail but something odd happened to day, and it's making me feel weird and I don't have anyone else to talk to, and the phone is intimidating and paper and pen is familiar. 

I hung out with Henry the other day, and since we'd talked about stuff, I started talking to him about stuff. Stuff meaning, girls you know. I asked Henry when he was going to get a girl, and he actually admitted to sort of having one back at home. They're not dating officially, but kind of 'waiting' for him to go home in a couple years. I guess that makes sense. He's still just as clueless about them too though, which made me feel better. So I asked him about Joon, if he knew why Joon didn't have a girlfriend. And Henry got uneasy, and laughed and said, 'Why don't you ask him that?'

So I did.

Maybe I knew, maybe I didn't know. Maybe I guessed, or maybe I just didn't. Joon is gay. He just told me out loud when I asked him, like it was a simple fact, or like it doesn't change any thing. The funny thing is, I don't think it does change anything. I just... know now. That my roommate is gay. 

I think he's nervous, because I didn't really respond outright and I said something dumb, something like 'okay' without really acknowledging it. I ran away as soon as I could and not have it seem awkward, but I think I still hurt his feelings and now I don't know what to do because I don't mean to be awkward about it. It shouldn't change anything about us, right? Or should it? I think I'll just shut up and go mail this letter now.

Help,

Yixing

Dear Yixing,

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Though that means I missed yours again in the month I didn't write. I'm so bad with dates. I remember mine, my parents, my grandparents, and my dog's birthday, and that's about it. It's like I need years and years of constant reminders to get a date programmed in my head that will stick. By the way, I will not feel guilty about writing this letter this time, because hey! I am writing back punctually! For a change.

Thanks for reminding me that I'm still young (ugh but I feel old somedays!) but you are a cheater. I asked you for sound moral advice and you give me nothing. Nothing! What kind of best friend are you anyways? Useless.

I'm glad you're still playing the guitar. Maybe I should it up and just make time to play and then I won't feel like such an idiot when people ask me if I can play that old thing laying around in my room, and I say I can, and they say play it, and I get hives and am so nervous I can't do it.

Short letter, forgive me. At least I wrote at all!

Your best friend,

Chanyeol

*phone dial*                                        

                                        *ringing*                                        

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "Hello?"

"Hello, can I talk to Yixing?"                                        

                                        "He is not home right now. Who is calling?"

-                                        

-                                        

"This is Chanyeol, his friend. I am in South Korea."                                        

                                        "Oh, yes. I remember."

"Will, he be home today?"                                        

                                        "Later, he will be. Yes."

-                                        

"Okay, I will try again. Thank you."                                        

                                        *phone ringing*                                        

-                                        

-                                        

-                                        

"Hello?"                                        

                                        "Hello, Chanyeol?"

"Yixing? Oh, oh. Hi. You called back. I was going to call you again."                                        

                                        -

                                        -

                                        *laughter*

                                        "That's okay. My mom told me you tried to call earlier."

"Yeah. I did."                                        

                                        "Uh huh."

                                        -                                        

-                                        

-                                        

"So."                                        

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "So. What did you call for?"

-                                        

-                                        

"Oh. Uhm. I... Well I sent off my letter the other day, and then I got your second one. So, I kind of missed you."                                        

                                        "Oh. Yeah I figured that might happen."

"Yeah. Well, I just... you sounded like you wanted to... talk to someone."                                        

                                        "I did."

"You did? Like, you did before but not now?"                                        

                                        "No, I mean I still do. Want to talk to someone. You. About it."

"Okay. Well, man this is weird. So, how is uhm... Joon? Is he... is it still kind of awkward?"                                        

                                        "A little, although I've been trying to act pretty normal around him."

"That's good. Normal is good. Are you... okay with that?"                                        

                                        "I think so. It's still kind of odd, to... think about that. But, he's still my friend, right?"

"Yeah, he is still your friend. I guess if you... care about him, that shouldn't change anything, right?"                                        

                                        "Right."

-                                        

-                                        

"So, what else is up?"                                        

Is it a cop-out if I don't 'record' the rest of their phone exchange? It's just normal stuff, and normal stuff is good, as Chanyeol says here.

Things are changing. There was a lot to pack into this 'year' of their lives. I won't always slow down this much, but it was important to savor and reflect on this important transitioning period of their relationship with each other, and with others.

Rosie