How you write the end.
The Chanxing Letters
Excerts from a novel by Lay Zhang.
page 1
Cànliè 燦烈
His name was strangely familiar, the first time Yixing read it off from the penpal assignment. Cànliè, Boy, 10. Hometown: Shanghai. They were all from Shanghai, every new long distance friend in Mrs. Sims' 3rd grade class. Everywhere Yixing looked about the room his classmates were reading their slips, sounding out foreign names with unpracticed tongues, some excited, some not. He'd never had a penpal before. In fact, he was barely familiar with the concept and being given a name suddenly of a boy from a country across the ocean was beyond strange. How did one start writing a stranger?
Dear Cànliè,
My name is Yixing, but you probably already know that. I am 10 years old and I live in California. That is in America.
That seemed a good enough start anyways.
page 14
There was something consoling about letting out part of your heart to a person who didn't know you intimately. Yixing found it bizarre at first, but was quickly getting used to the idea. Cànliè didn't know much about him, therefore he could not judge him by the same standards as Yixing's classmates did. Added to that, he was Chinese, a foreigner like Yixing and his parents and it didn't matter how long Yixing had lived in California now. Cànliè could not for his accent or his face, his mannerisms or his lunch box. His new friend was filled with just as many insecurities as Yixing, and he seemed to sympathize as well as any 10 year old boy could.
"He wants to learn to play guitar, mom," Yixing confided one day. "Maybe one day we can play a duet together!"
"That's nice," his mother replied with the smile of a parent not wanting to let her son down too hard. "If you meet then, you'll have to practice a lot. But don't forget your piano too, dear."
So Yixing did neither. He practiced the piano for just under the alotted time necessary and then picked up his tiny guitar and played for a row of stuffed animals and the imaginary friend he named Chanyeol, pretending later when he wrote letters to Cànliè that it was his penpal there in person. Cànliè, who would applaud Yixing in his mind's eye and ear and become the best friend a boy could want.
page 23
The older Yixing got, the more he wrote. One by one his classmates dropped their penpals due to lack of committment, boredom, or accident. No longer did his deskmate Krystal write to her once-acclaimed best friend Victoria, and Jackson's stories about his friend Daryong and twin brother Soryung died up around the 6th grade. They didn't seem too bothered by it though, issuing a shrug whenever Yixing mentioned it. As if a having a cool penpal was a thing of the past, and only Yixing was the stupid one for continuing to put forth his heart into pen and paper and mail it across the globe.
Dear Cànliè,
My friends went out for the night - some high school football game that I'm not interested in. Instead I'm sitting home at home like a nerd writing a letter.
He was fifteen and self-conscious, both of his letter-writing and friendship-making skills, and the fact that he didn't seem to find girls all that exciting.
page 29
Most of all he, he worried that Cànliè would consider him a bore. And as if his letters weren't dull enough, the imaginary friend 'Chanyeol' that Yixing had already merged into Cànliè seemed to judge him for his dull personality and lifestyle. What if they actually met one day? Chances were that the friendship only existed because it was long distance. They couldn't possibly be the kind of people who could get along in real life as well, life was probably not that easy. Instead, the relationship they built long-distance sufficed, and through words they had a friendly flirtation that was completely harmless.
Dear Cànliè,
Do you mind being gay for me? I promise no one you know in real life will ever find out. Unless they suddenly show up in California, and then that might cause a problem.
page 35
"You don't remember me, do you?"
Yixing blinked a couple times at the boy in the hallway. Barely an inch shorter than himself, soft brown hair, a handsome face and friendly smile. "Uhh, I'm sorry, I don't. You're my suite mate, am I right?" He realized he was stuttering, but the sheer picture of the guy before him had his feet rooted to the ground.
"I'm Suho, my roommate is Henry... you stayed in our room a couple weekends ago when you got locked out of yours?"
"I remember that part." Yixing only had to half-lie. "Sorry, I didn't remember your name. I'm Yixing."
"Nice to meet you again. Have you eaten breakfast today? I'm headed down to the food court if you were headed that way."
page 37
The awkward thing was when Suho happened to discover the most recent stack of letters sent by Cànliè. Yixing wasn't necessarily hiding his obsession with the growing pile of envelopes, but to have a friend in real life suddenly come across - to Yixing's mind - his biggest secret was a big step. It made Cànliè real in a way Yixing hadn't yet needed to deal with. To explain with his voice-box that he had a friend in China, and not make Cànliè sound like a completely fictitious character.
"We've been writing letters for about 10 years now so..." He started to explain apologetically.
"No, no, no, I get it. I had a penpal once too in elementary but, I'm bad at keeping up with people. I think it's neat you still keep in touch with yours. What's he like anyways?"
Yixing settled for a compromise, telling Suho enough about Cànliè that they could somewhat converse together about the latest events of Cànliè's life whenever a new letter arrived.
"Come on. Let us take a picture together and send it to him!"
That was Henry's suggestion, and the subsequent photo Cànliè received of Yixing being kissed on the cheek by his two new friends was both embarrassing and a little bit gratifying. As if Yixing was saying for the first time, 'See. I too have friends.'
page 43
"You're looking at me funny."
Yixing's response was to laugh of course. "Am I? Sorry. Zoned off, I guess."
Suho chuckled too from where he said in his desk chair, hands behind his head and one foot up on the desk. A half finished, wrinkle-inducing essay sat before him on his computer screen, whereas Yixing's whole posture was lax and easy, a pile of pillows propped up against his headboard and a guitar between his knees.
"You can play you know. It doesn't bother me," Suho said. "In fact. I need a break from this..." He kicked the desk and his computer desktop rattled and both of them laughed again.
It used to bother Yixing, how quickly Suho had come into his life, how easy their relationship. A year of being friends and neighbors morphed without issue into a year of being roommates and it was comfortable. About as comfortable and happy as Cànliè and his letters, even though a part of Yixing's soul felt like he was betraying one or the other. It was a silly thought of course when one was Suho, a physical entity, and the other was Cànliè, his intangible best friend. And yet, Suho made him happy too in a very real way, and it didn't just have to do with their easy companionship.
"Suho..." Yixing strummed a few cords of his guitar and then placed his palm over the strings to halt the vibrations.
"Yeah?" His friend's eyebrows were up, curious.
"I... eh, never mind."
"Yixing, what is it?"
Suho wasn't going to let him get away with this so easy. Yixing had no other choice but to voice the question he'd been pondering for about a week, since the last time he talked to Henry. Why it was that Suho had no other friends but the two of them, why he seemed fine with this arrangement. Why he never talked about girls. Why Henry had told Yixing to, "Ask Suho if you want to know."
So he did.
"Actually, I'm gay." Suho coughed to clear his throat.
Yixing held his breath. Honestly, he knew the answer to that before Suho said it. But hearing it so directly was strangely oft-putting. As if Suho was too nervous to beat around the bush and so he just said it aloud for all the world - Yixing - to hear. Now that the ball was back in his court though, Yixing didn't know how exactly to respond.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Suho chewed on his lower lip, eyes not meeting Yixing's.
"Yeah. That's okay."
"It's okay being roommates with me? Someone who's gay?" he pressed again. His feed were on the ground now, essay completely forgotten. Yixing's guitar was completely forgotten.
"Yeah. That's okay."
page 56
Coming out to Cànliè later though was even harder than Yixing and Suho beginning to date. After all the years they'd joked about such a thing, would it suddenly matter that now it was for real? It seemed impossible that Cànliè would be okay with it, and Yixing feared for their friendship. They spoke on the phone about once every month, their letters still a mixture of deeply personal thoughts and spunkiness. Cànliè and his words, his judgment, his opinion, his approval - all of that mattered more to Yixing than he even realized.
But instead of judging him though, Cànliè was just the same as usual. Supportive, friendly, serious when he needed to be and there with a ready laugh over long distance phone calls when Yixing needed it most.
page 62
Dear Yixing,
I think Yusheng is jealous of you. She keeps asking why I don't write her any letters... Why should I write her letters when I see her every day? Anyways, I'm pretty sure she's just joking but she calls you my American boyfriend. Wow, and I haven't even told her you're gay. I should do that, huh, or else she might get suspicious later when I accidentally let it slip?
Yixing snorted reading the letter, drawing Suho's attention, and he readily shared what was so funny. It was the only way Yixing could handle Cànliè's teasing, by sharing the joke with his actual boyfriend. He didn't want to feel like he was hiding anything, and Suho even encouraged the jokes.
"So you're cheating on both of us openly, huh?!" They both laughed.
"I'll write you letters too, just so you don't get jealous!" Yixing promised, giggling as Suho tackled him into the bed for a cuddle.
Several months later, Henry went back to China and fortunately Suho did not. They went on their first ever road trip, just the two of them since they started dating, and for the first time they slept together all the way. Cànliè slipped to the back of Yixing's brain for most of each day except whenever he got new letters, and then he devoted himself to the habit of responding and genuinely liked the merriment that their correspondence produced. Cànliè started signing his letters with 'Your-never-to-be-forgotten best and FIRST friend,' and there was serious truth in that.
Still though, Yixing worried that their friendship too might be lost in time. Most people in long distance relationships did whether they were romantic, friendly, or otherwise.
page 75
"So, when's the wedding?"
"Hmm?"
Suho was reading over his shoulder again at another rambling letter about Cànliè and his parent-approved fiancé.
"Probably never, by the way things are looking," said Yixing.
"Awww," Suho hummed.
Yixing laughed. "Why is it you are looking sad?"
"Me? No reason! I'm sad for you!"
"And why should I be sad that my penpal may not get married? Other than the fact I have to deal with his complaining?" he chuckled.
"No real reason, although I guess I thought maybe, if he got married, you'd have an actual excuse to go to Shanghai and meet him."
It wasn't the first time Suho had suggested Yixing flying there to meet his friend. In fact, Suho brought it up more than Yixing ever did.
"You'd trust me to go all the way there?" Yixing sat back and crossed his arms, a challenge to his stance.
Suho smiled naughtily. He leaned down and pressed a wet kiss to the side of Yixing's cheek and winked in return. "I trust you. I just think after all these years you'd want to go and meet him. It's not every set of penpals who manage to stay friends for as long as you and Cànliè."
"Perhaps sometime I will."
page 77
The problem with going to China was that Yixing was scared. Suho was right in that they'd defied the laws of long distance friends, but meeting in person was on a level Yixing was not ready for. His age old fears of being a bore, or them not having anything in common, or their conversation turning stale after a few awkward minutes. He and Cànliè even talked about it often, the possibility of them meeting either here or there, but it never went beyond mere jokes, and either way, they both had situations they were dealing with in their own lives: Cànliè and his parents' desire that he get married and settle down, Yixing and his growing fears that Suho would have to leave the country eventually and go home to South Korea. If Suho did not get accepted into the post-graduate program, his student visa would be up. Their relationship was already becoming strained because Suho's family discovered he was gay and in a relationship with Yixing. Try as Suho did to not act like it bothered him, Yixing knew it did. His time in America was coming to an end, and his family had essentially tossed him out, leaving him stuck in no-man's land. Yixing did not know how to help him.
page 80
"Hey, baby."
"Hey!" Yixing looked up at his boyfriend's weary face. "Welcome home. Late night, yeah?"
"Yeah. Sorry, I missed dinner. Meeting for that job interview ran late. You're playing guitar again?" Suho switched the conversation easily.
"What? Oh, yeah. Cànliè and I have been swapping tapes. I promised to record something and send it to him. Want me to warm up dinner?"
"Nah, I'll do it. You play. I've missed you playing."
Yixing smiled into Suho's back hug, strumming all the while, and then secretly admired how handsome he was, albeit weary and stressed. The clock was ticking down probably on how long they could be together, so that it was almost better when Yixing didn't dwell on it. He wrote sad and funny letters instead to Cànliè and tried not to think about Suho moving away for work.
page 85
Staring at the phone in his hand did nothing to alleviate Yixing's tears. He'd tried five times to complete the call, and each time hung up before entering the final number. Suho lay like a corpse in another room, tears already tried but with a blanket over his head, waiting on Yixing. After so many good years together, this was the end. No fighting or dramatic break-up, just a simple issue of time and place, and the world was against them after all.
The seventh time he tried, he finally got the call through to dial-tone, and Yixing stuffed his cries and halted his tears.
"Cànliè?"
The other answered in kind, hesitant already because of his friend's tone. "Yixing? What's wrong. What's the matter?"
"Hmm? Oh, well. Nothing really with me. It's just..."
It hurt, making plans with his best friend he'd never seen, but he needed to do it. For everyone.
"You still have that empty guest bedroom?"
"Yeah?"
"Ahh, good. Well, you see... I have a friend who's moving away. He... he just got a job offer in Shanghai and kind of needs a place to stay for the time being while he gets settled there. I was wondering if..."
"Sure? Who's the... friend?"
"Suho. Suho's moving to China... isn't that, great?"
page 88
Dear Cànliè,
Please don't steal my boyfriend! Yes, I know he can cook, and is generally clean around the house, but I have high hopes of getting him back one day!
It was a slight exaggeration. Wishful thinking, and probably highly unlikely. In the meantime, he was glad in a way that Suho had a ready-made friend in Shanghai. It took some of the stress of himself, being worried on his now long-distance boyfriend's behalf. Also, Suho as his ambassador had only great and funny things to report about Cànliè, including a whole host of quirks that Yixing would love to experience in person. Somehow it was more poetic to just imagine them, and it enabled him to wallow in a depressive state for as long as he absolutely needed to. And when they called or wrote, he let himself just pretend that everything was fine, that he was happy they were getting along together. It was true. It just wasn't as desirable as Yixing wanted. I wished he too was there, with them. That he still had his boyfriend. Or that he could meet his own friend.
page 95
The first Christmas without Suho wasn't quite as maddening as Yixing thought it might be. He talked to his boyfriend every other day during the season. He talked to Cànliè about as often, and if you added the e-mails they swapped back and forth, he had to admit he talked more to Cànliè than he did Suho. Call it force of habit, but continuing on with an already established long-distance friendship required less effort than a newly distanced lover.
It was first time though that he began to feel guilty about it.
The second time he felt guilty is when he purposefully pulled up a picture of Cànliè on his phone to show the idiot at the Christmas party that 'Yixing was taken, thank you very much.' Yes, he also had a picture of Suho, but the photo was darker and slightly blurry and that was as good reason as any to not search harder for it. Any man's face would do the trick, especially when both of his options were in the same place, albeit somewhere not here.
Early in January, however, he and Suho agreed that the distance was too much. They broke up amicably and only Cànliè acted like the awkward fool balancing between the now broken pair. Suho shared that he was making other friends in Shanghai, not just Cànliè. Yixing got himself a pair of kittens and spammed his penpal with photos.
page 96
Speaking of pictures, again. Wow, Yixing - at least put on a shirt before you take pictures of yourself draped across the couch like that! Kittens or no kittens, a guy needs some warning!!
page 105
The only change in Yixing's humdrum life was making the acquaintance of Sehun. He would forever be indebted to the stranger who found him passed out at the bar, almost more so than Cànliè who made good use of his, 'In case of emergency call...' option. At least Sehun was a decent guy though, and his family welcoming to the point of nausea. Yixing's parents had never been so open in their guests, and yet here was a man with a wife and child who opened not just their house but their hearts to Yixing. He paid them back in babysitting and late nights sitting around the table with a glass of wine. Sehun was nearing thirty years old and still not completely in control of his expressions when Yixing first mentioned his possible crush on a man he'd never met, but he didn't judge him. Much.
"Will you ever go see him? Come on, at least go and then you'll know if he's the right guy for you, or else if he's just doomed to be your penpal til death." Sehun's elbows were bony and they left bruises where they nudged at Yixing's poorly defended ribs, but Yixing appreciated the camaraderie anyways.
"Actually, we're semi making plans already. He's going to come here probably next year."
Around Sehun, Yixing did not even try to hold back his glee. On the few and fewer occasions he talked to Suho, he barely mentioned Cànliè at all.
page 106
It didn't happen though, the visit, and while it seemed perfectly logical that Cànliè would cancel his vacation due to his mother's serious illness and that Yixing was in no way mad at the circumstance, it still hurt. Their attempt had been foiled, and then it was covered up by something even greater: Suho's return.
"I flew into Korea for a few days. Attempted to visit my family, but they just snuffed their noses and barely said hello. Wow, am I glad to be home. I mean... if this can... still be considered my home?"
Suho was awkward, almost a stranger, every trace of his original hesitancy around Yixing back twofold after all the years they'd spent apart.
But of course he could come 'home.' Of course Yixing's house was Suho's home. Of course they could take up right where they left off. It was a slow start. The initial airport arrive was stifled, their reunion hug brief. At home and safely enclosed behind the front door, Yixing introduced him to his cats and filled him in on the mundane aspects of his work and life, his friends and acquaintances, the new street sweeping schedule which required all vehicles to be moved properly off the curb between the hours of 5am and 7am on Thursdays. And between all of that they made up, however Yixing and Suho felt that looked like.
Dear Cànliè
How are things. How are things. Is it bad to say I don't even really know? I mean, things are fine? It's perfect really. Suho coming back coincided with my parents officially retiring and moving back to China for however long they want to be there. Me, I have my boyfriend back, just like old times. Dream come true.
page 107
They kept up their letters as usual, but Yixing couldn't help noticing how their day to day or even weekly communication seemed to drop off. At first the difference wasn't so pronounced. Yixing was in the middle of working himself to the bone so that he could get promoted. Suho was as an ever-devoted boyfriend and despite feeling like they weren't as close as before, with a lot of effort they made the relationship work. Perhaps it was too much effort when Suho began to notice.
"You know, we don't have to go out tonight, if you're too tired," he offered casually one afternoon.
"What? No, I want to!" He stood up, his hand already rushing through the shirt collars and hangers in their joint closet, frantically trying to visualize how he would look in plaid versus solid teal. He only stopped when Suho's hand dropped on top of his own.
"Yixing... it's alright. Let's go out another night. You're stressed."
"I'm not..."
"Yes, you are. Look I have some work I can do online this evening. Let's just do an easy dinner and sit around. Breathe. Rest. Get Cànliè on the phone. He probably misses you."
"What?"
There was a weariness in Suho's eyes while he spoke, and a bad pitfall feeling in Yixing's gut. "What?" he repeated again. Suho did not answer, so he tried to laugh it off. "Nah, I don't want to bother him. He's busy with life and girlfriends probably." It was true that Cànliè seemed to have jumped back crazily into the dating scene recently. Suho chuckled as well, uneasily.
"Cànliè and dating never go well together, and everybody knows it. Call him. He'd probably love the distraction. You two have always had such good rapport. I swear, even when I lived in the guy's house, it only worked out so well because of you. Because we both knew you." He paused and smiled wryly, and the sinking anxiety in Yixing's gut grew and blossomed. "Anyways. Take-out for dinner? What do you want? I'll call it in."
page 112
Hey Cànliè. Sorry for not getting right back to your e-mail, but something's not sitting right with me...
I guess it's hard to judge if you don't know us, but Suho definitely knows us. So it's not like anyone - my boyfriend - would read that and think I'm cheating, you know. On the other hand, I suppose it was kind of a shock and I'm not really sure he was prepared to see that. I feel almost guilty, because on one hand I'm 'blatantly' flirting with my best friend (even if it's all in jest) but on the other hand... I think I have more fun or more conversation with you than I've had with him in... a few years.
page 115
For once it was Yixing who sat dry-eyed and Suho who was dabbling at the tears leaking out of his eyes. Yixing didn't mean to act so stoic. He was far from calm, eons from being alright. In fact he was mad at himself for letting this go so long when things were obviously not fine between them.
"Yixing, we should break up."
There weren't many words to accompany the suggestion. A nod of Yixing's head, a few apologies that genuinely went both ways between them, a promise of friendship. Yixing might have 'known' Cànliè since they were both ten years old, but he'd known Suho as well for the better part of fifteen years, and without that relationship, he didn't know how he might have coped. It didn't matter that it would no longer be romantic. They hadn't been romantic in the true definition of the word for quite a while.
"Friends... thank you, Suho."
page 117
The hardest problem with coping is that once again his house was empty. No family, no boyfriend. Sehun tried to spend some more time with him but he still have a family and two young children. Yixing hated imposing on them especially when he was in such a foul mood all the time. Skyping with Cànliè were some of the few times where Yixing really came alive. Every other function in life he accomplished through autopilot until it didn't hurt anymore.
page 120
Yixing, Should I tell you what I've been thinking about? Are you sure you want to know? Well, here goes! Friend, my dearest friend. It's been 24 years. And I think, we should meet. Get ready because I'm totally inviting myself to your house next year, okay?! Okay?!
page 128
Minho had disappeared around another curve of the bar to flag down somebody who would serve them a second round. Suho and Yixing perched precariously on their stools and once upon a time this had been awkward, Yixing third-wheeling on his ex-boyfriend's date.
"Tomorrow's the day, huh?" said Suho.
Yixing shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. "Yep. Tomorrow's the day."
"Don't sweat it. You're going to love him." Suho laughed, however Yixing continued to smile. He was unsettled and both of them knew the reason why.
"What if we really are just awkward around each other and all these years it was only distance that saved us-"
"You worry too much. Maybe you will be that way, but I don't think so. Cànliè's super easy to get along with, you have decades of history to share together, and I think as long as you just loosen up, it'll be great. You're best friends, and we already know you get along better than you and I ever did so-"
Yixing scoffed embarrassed. "Suho... don't say things like that."
"What!" Suho looked unabashed. "It's true! But look, we're still good friends and if we can do this, then meeting Cànliè will be so easy! Show him the city, talk for hours like you're used to doing. Go on an adventure, get drunk. And if you get the opportunity to kiss him, then by all means go for it!"
Yixing was blushing scarlet by the time Minho came back. "Flirting with your ex again, I see?" he teased.
"Always," said Suho, and he winked.
page 137
They laughed and laughed, just as they'd been doing all day ever since they'd come back from the theme park and side by side, hips touching, they poured over all of the pictures each of them had taken. Of Yixing, of Cànliè, of them together, someone's phone pressed into the hands of a friendly looking stranger so that their memories would be shared in one screenshot picture.
"Look at this one, oh my God. Can I burn it?" Cànliè cried out, tears practically streaming down his face from mortification.
"Absolutely not! That's the best one I took all day!" Yixing scrambled to get his phone of out reach, but Cànliè's arms were longer and there was no getting around that fact. He lost out finally after a short wrestling match where his nose found itself plastered under Cànliè's armpit and by the time they righted themselves on the sofa, he too was crying tears of mirth.
"Uggh, my ears. I can't believe you didn't delete it. I'm going to burn your phone. No more pictures for you."
"Nooo," Yixing wailed. "You can't do that. Besides, I like your ears."
"What?! No way. You'll make me believe you have an ear ," Cànliè cackled.
For answer, Yixing liberated one of his arms and pulled on the piece of flesh in question. It was hard enough to make Cànliè shriek in mock-pain, but did no more than jerk the two of them around or against each other. They were already halfway to drunk, and through having so much fun, they might already act like they were wasted.
It hadn't been this comfortable in the beginning. Cànliè loomed over Yixing when he picked him up from the airport. It was just two weeks ago and after their initial excited greetings, the conversation turned awkward. Yixing wasn't used to look at his face when they talked. He wasn't used to having to respond to words right away. They spent the first day driving through Yixing's neighborhood while he pointed out places of interest and talking about the California weather. It took Cànliè suddenly going crazy at his first sight of the tall palm trees he'd always raved about to break the ice between them. In a heartbeat everything felt natural, familiar, cozy.
Now, on the last night, part of that was already slipping away. Tomorrow Cànliè would be gone. Yixing would drive him to the airport and they'd say their goodbyes. A day later probably they'd get on Skype again and talk as usual. Yixing wouldn't lie and say he was looking forward to that, to getting back the distance that made everything more comfortable. Then again, it would mean he missed the opportunity, just as he'd missed every opportunity so far.
Suho's words haunted him on the tea cups. Cànliè's smiling, delighted face as they whirled around was mesmerizing. If Yixing could just stop the world for a moment to kiss him maybe things would change. Maybe he would actually be able to get out a confession and not worry about the consequences. The end results, however, were too frightening to contemplate. Maybe Cànliè didn't like him that way. Maybe his friend did, but how was a relationship like theirs to even work. Yixing still lived her, and Cànliè a world away. He wouldn't be able to do another long distance relationship like Suho. Obviously that hadn't worked. So what point was there in even trying with Cànliè. What they had already was good, and if Yixing cried himself to sleep afterwards because he'd gotten just a taste of Cànliè in person, well then that would be his problem to deal with after Cànliè went away.
Dear Cànliè,
You won't get this letter yet until you get home, but I thought it would be a fun surprise. It's two in the morning. You're sound asleep upstairs, and it's just me and my writing desk, like old times. Consider this my proper goodbye, because I'm going to be so flustered when I take you to the airport later and we have to say goodbye for real. I know things won't change, really, but I know already that I'm going to miss having you here, now.
page 139
And he absolutely did make a fool out of himself before dropping Cànliè at the airport.
"You don't have to park. That's okay, I can find get off at the drop-off terminal." Cànliè insisted he'd be fine, but ever since they woke up, Yixing detected that his friend too was beyond sad. This day, this visit couldn't really be over. They didn't want it to be over, and yet it was.
"Nope. I still have two more vacation days and nothing else to do. I can spare a few extra minutes to walk you."
"You can't go through security with me though."
"No, but we can get your luggage sent off and then get coffee before you go through. There's time. How's that sound."
"Time for last minutes airport pictures?" Cànliè's smile was blinding this morning. It almost did the job of masking his reluctance to go.
"Exactly."
page 141
"I should go." After half an hour of kicking their heels, it was really true this time. Cànliè needed to go, and Yixing didn't want to let him.
They threw their cups in the trash, Yixing's mostly untouched because now, finally, at the last minute, he'd wanted to use every last second to talk, to enjoy having his friend here, to bask in the smiles he'd possibly not see again. Not like this. He waited for Cànliè to pick up his carry-on and got flustered when the other didn't. He stood there, limbs hanging by his side, teeth worrying his bottom lip.
"What's the matter?" Yixing asked.
Then Cànliè smiled again and the awkward silence passed. "Time for goodbyes. Come on, hug me!"
"Hug you, what?"
"Yeah, like a lover's goodbye." He smiled goofily and Yixing flushed.
"What!?"
"Yeah! Come on. Big dramatic hug. Everybody's watching!"
"What the hell, Cànliè-"
His friend stopped his words then. Two long arms wrapped around him, pulling him close, and their height difference made it so Yixing's head was pressed awkwardly against the other's collar bones. He had no choice but to hug back and as soon as he did, he knew he never wanted to leave that place. Cànliè was warm. Tall, thin and bony, yes, but warm, comfortable. More like home than Yixing had ever felt living in his big, empty house. He was thirty-five years old and suddenly had a taste of home.
It was a game, saying goodbye this way. He knew, Cànliè knew it. Games were easily to play than real life, for both of them wanted this and yet neither knew how to make it go a step further.
He felt the arms starting to retreat and knew the clock was ticking. His heart leapt erratically.
"Cànliè?"
"What?" said the other, and before they had a chance to truly separate, Yixing pressed forward again and tilted his head up.
When we first met...
We weren't anything alike...
Yet we were friends...
Sharing each random thought...
Even in our oddest times...
Every now and then time seems to slow...
And friendship hangs on the balance...
But we keep drifting on...
A few letters every year...
Including the woes of boring life...
And the upheavals...
Meeting through friends...
Celebrating holidays apart...
Beginning a new leaf...
Keeping a friendship for the ages...
Even when circumstances don't help...
And emotions almost get in the way...
That's why time sometimes keeps things still...
Before it speeds up...
And we reach the point of no return...
Where everything hinges on...
How you write the end.
*phone ringing*
Hello? Chanyeol, hey what's up?
-
-
Chanyeol?
-
-
you.
What?!
I said, you, Yixing.
What...what's the matter.
I just read your ing book! That's the matter!
I... didn't send you my book.
I know! But I ordered it online all the same.
-
-
Oh
-
-
'Oh' is right. Yixing, did you mean to never tell me you finished your novel?
No...
But you still didn't think it pertinent to let me know?
Your best friend, supposedly, to whom you've been talking for years about this masterpiece novel?
Your friend, Chanyeol, who you based the entire book on!!??
I'm sorry
You damned better be sorry!
Look, I didn't mean for you to read it soon
I wanted to explain
Explain what, that you wrote a novel about us?!
Yes, partly. And...
And what else exactly? Because that was a very interesting book, Yixing...
It's all fiction.
Fiction, huh?
Yes, fiction.
It seemed pretty well based on fact.
Unless you were making up all those sentiments.
Chanyeol... I"m sorry...
Very well based on fact. With one exception, I think...
Look, I get why you're angry. I apologize-
Oh, you're right in saying I'm angry. Yixing, I'm completely pissed.
I can't.. I can't believe you would do something like that..
I know.. I'm sorry...
And not tell me... Damnit, Yixing. Why! Why?!
Chanyeol...
Why didn't you just do that in person?!
I'm sor- wait, do what in person...
Kiss me! Yixing, why didn't you...
-
-
You... wanted me to...?
-
-
Yes...
-
-
*sniffs*
this. you.
I'm sorry.
And quit saying sorry, damnit.
That's it. I'm booking another ticket to L.A.
What?!
Try to hide from me this time, I dare you.
The end.
P.S. Please watch this FMV a reader made that was inspired by this fic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU1_ONO04Nk&feature=youtu.be
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