In the restaurant, i sat next to Sooyoung and Timothy overwhelmed with my own thoughts. I didn't know what was suppose to say and how was i suppose to act. Just across of me saw him. By the way he had his hands on the table, boring holes to my direction, i was not sure whether i should keep stilll and sit on the same table just as what Ommunim wanted. 

"Mummy.. I need to 'wee-wee'.." Timothy whispered into my ears as he tugged onto my sleeves. To be honest, with him doing this at the most unexpected time, made me heaved a sigh of relief. At least for now, i could actually escaped from this uptight total awkwardness at the table. 

I smiled and carressed his hair. "Ne.. Kaja!"

When i was about to carry him in my embrace for our tiny get away for awhile; the washroom, a hand stopped me from doing so. I looked up to the owner of the hand that had grabbed mine, only to be greeted by the warm smile that belonged to Ommunim. 

"Let me.." She said estaticly. I tried to control my expression that i had on my face partly because i was unsure on how to decline her offer of taking Timothy to the washroom because i could feel daggers being shot towards me after the holes that was bored from the opposite side of the table. 

"Its okay, Ommunim. I can manage." I said, trying my best to persist in the matter gently. 

"Ah.. Please Fany-ah. Its been a while since i took care of Timothy. And besides, it had been a long while ever since you've ate together with us during gatherings. "

"Ommunim...."

"Please, Fany. Its my birthday. Just let me take care of Timothy for today..." she took a deep breath and pulled me close and continued, "...for who knows when's the next time i might be able to do so." 

At that note, i knew i just couldn't persue the issue any longer. I knew there was no use in persisting on my stand. I promised Seunghyun oppa to treat and love his mom like how i did with mine. I won't just pushed or ignore the wish and the desire of Ommunim, similarly with my mom. The words that she uttered in whispery tone not wanting Abeoji to hear it, those made it more difficult for me to just say 'no' to her. We broke away from our conversation and i looked up meeting her pleading eyes. She left me no choice but to only say, "Ne, Ommunim. Thank you." with a nod. As a reply, she beamed happily and carried Timothy in her arms away to the washroom.

My eyes followed the view of ommunim's back that was walking away from the table and when that  was gone from view as she turn at the corner, I turned and faced to the view in front of me; not realizing that i was wearing a smile on my face. Feeling glad that i still had not broke my promise to Seunghyun oppa to take care and love Ommunim as much as how i love my own mum. Seeing how happy she was walking away with Timothy from the table, my heart just beats in pleasure.However all of happiness that i felt melted right away when i saw Kyuhyun's gazed on me. His eyes were full of fury; trying his best to contain his words from awhile ago. Probably from the second he stepped into the office earlier in the afternoon during the shareholders' meeting conference for Magramri but thank god, Siwon oppa joined the meeting just in time before trouble start. The smile that i wore unknowingly dissapeared. I lower my gazed fear of what heart wretching words he would threw at me if i were to sit and stare at him any longer. 

"What do you think Omma is to you?" the voice that i was dreading to hear echoed inside my head making me jerked up abit. I shifted my view from my plate to the voice as slowly as i could. Just as my eyes met his, he continued, "..A babysitter?!"

My eyes widen as i heard those words of him accusing me. I bit my tongue trying to be as patient as possible to the man on the opposite table. Taking a deep breath as i letting him finish letting out the words that he had kept inside of him. 

"Kyuhyun oppa, what are you talking about?" Sooyoung said trying to defence me. 

"Doesn't it seemed that way?" He asked looking at the direction of Sooyoung before turning towards me and continuing, "First, you made Seunghyun hyung fall for you. Both of you got married and he did everything for you. He even lost his life for you. Now, Omma. You gained adoration from her. She did everything in the name of love for you and Timothy. Do you think i have not a slightest idea that omma secretly went to your apartment for a visit every single month? What next? You want her to lose her life too for the sake of you and your precious little son?!" 

I swear as one by one those words were being thrown to me, i could feel my face turning to shades of red. I felt angry due to the fact that my pride as a woman was being stepped on. What is he trying to imply by bringing Timothy to this. I knew from the start that he hated the idea of me joining the birthday dinner. After so many years, he still had not found a space in his heart to forgive me. To him, in his eyes, i am a murderer. A murderer of my own husband; his older brother. 

"Kyuhyun! ENOUGH!" Siwon oppa semi-shouted sternly towards his dongsaeng; startling everyone at the table and making Abeoji who was busy focusing on his cellphone in front of him; not wanting to even utter a word in the issue to look up towards the taller son of his. 

In the midst of all the commosion, I took a deep breath trying to collect my courage to say my piece even when i knew what he said from his point of view were right. I was the one who indirectly killed him. I was the reason to why my husband died. He passed on after the accident. He was trying to save me from being hit without thinking of his own safety. I lost a husband but that doesn't change the fact that i was not the only person who lost him. The Choi's lost one of their own as well. 

"...I-It's okay, Siwon oppa. You don't have to defend me..." I said as calmly as possible; not trying to break down any second. The pain felt like the airways in my chest tightened and it was hard for me to breathe. "It's true that i was the one who caused all of you to lose one of your own. It's true that Seunghyun oppa left the world behind with the people in it because he risked his life to protect me," I said admitting to all those words that Kyuhyun had said, one by one, my tears slid down my cheeks. 

"..and i am sorry for being the one who had caused all the heartache for the lost and the bad grief that this family had to go through."

"Glad you realized that," Kyuhyun remarked saying those words with a smirked just a little too audioable to be heard. 

I nodded as an acknowledgement to it and continue, "But really, i had no intention at all for it to happened. I know that no matter how many times if i were to apologize, Seunghyun oppa can never come back to us alive like how he used to in the past before all these mess happened. Kyuhyun-shi, i would like to really apologized if my presence had caused you discomfort and just made you feel more pain. I'm sorry that my presence before you is a constant reminder of the absence of Seunghyun oppa. Please believe me when i said that i would never let history happened twice when it comes to Ommunim. I will never want her to risked her life and lost it recklessly just for the sake of Timothy or me. Even if its so, i will never let her." 

I said ending my piece just in time for the returned of Ommunim. 

"What's going on?" She questioned still carrying my precious little human in her arms; demanding for an answer. I quickly wiped my tears away before she noticed.

I stood up and took Timothy in my arms and replied, "Ommunim, i have to go now. Dad is coming over from US tomorrow morning so, i have to turned in early for Timothy. We need to pick him up from the airport." I said trying to sound as convincing as possible.

"But Sooyoung's family have not arrived yet and the food as well..."

"It's okay. Theres always a next time right?" I smiled at her. 

"Alright then. Promise me next time, you'll stay alright?"

I just nodded to her request. I couldn't comfirmed it with words because i don't want her to expect much more, especially not when its in front of Kyuhyun. 

I took my bag and bowed. "I'll see you out!" Sooyoung exclaimed before i moved any further from the table. 

"Me too!" Siwon oppa joined. 

We were at the entrance of the restaurant. All of us stood facing one another. 

"It's okay. You can just go ahead." I said not wanting them to sent me to the car. 

"I am sorry." Siwon oppa blurted out, leaving me puzzled. 

"Why oppa? What's with the apology?"

"I should have known this would eventually happen."

"Nah... Oppa, you don't have to say you're sorry. It was true. What he said.."

"Fany..." Sooyoung trying to stop me from continuing. 

"I indirectly killed Seunghyun oppa; Kyuhyun and your hyung, oppa. That doesn't make me any different than a murderer." I said hanging my head low. 

"Fany, stop it! Its nearly 4 years already. Even if you beat yourself with the guilt that was not suppose to be yours, it would never bring Seunghyun oppa back, would it? Kyuhyun oppa, just need to get over it and accept the reality as it is before he become blind with what the future might bring for him." Sooyoung continued with her unfinished lecture. 

"Besides, we're not the only one who lost him. You lost him too. You lost him at the time when you needed him the most. You grew Timothy and took care of him as a single parent without any spouse to help you ever since he was borned, it must have been hard on you.. that kind of pain must have been worst than any of us ever felt." Siwon oppa continued with his lecture. 

Suddenly, a voice crept in from the back, "What are you guys doing out here?" 

With thoughts being interupted, i turned and there stood Seohyun and the lady chois' parents."Oh, there you are. I am just heading home now. Say hello to Seohyun immo, grandpup and granny." I said while waving Timothy's tiny hands to them. Timothy just let out a small giggle.

"Well, hello!"

"I'll go now."

"You're not staying?"

"Nope, maybe some other time." I said before i left the vicinity and to the carpark.

On the way home in the car, my thoughts were all over the place. I felt bad for leaving the birthday dinner and breaking Ommunim's heart with dissapointment for my sudden leaving. I just don't want to cause any trouble. Enough with the pain that I've caused when Seunghyun oppa left the world and the grief that it had brought upon onto the family. I just don't want the pain to come back again; knowing that my presence or even Timothy's would bring so much of it to the hearts of Abeoji and Kyuhyun. I peeped from the rear view mirror to check up on the little one who was still sitting in his car seat, peacefully falling asleep after a few rounds of singing his nursery rhymes that he learnt in the centre last week. 

I pulled over by the side of the road to go to the 24 hour grocery store to grab some ice creams and vegetable for Timothy. I gently opened the back door to carry Timothy and bring him in with me to grab those things but seeing how peacefully he seemed to be sleeping in the car, i just let him sleep in and securely locked the car. I walked briskly into the shop no wanting to waste anymore time away from my son. Paid it and walked out.

"Excuse me! Tiffany-shi!" I heard someone calling out for me. I turned to take a look at who it was and there stood a tall person that made my heart skipped a beat.

"Seunghyun oppa?"

"Sorry, fany-shi? Who is Seunghyun oppa? I am Sam not Seunghyun oppa."

I shooked my head trying to get back onto my senses once again and not wanting to make me looked like an idiot in front of Sam.

"Ah, De.. Sam shi. What are you doing here?"

"I am just walking around and buying some groceries. What about you?"

"Same goes to me! Groceries!" I said while carring the plastic bags up closer to my face showing the bags full of food to Sam. 

"Since you're here, do you want to go grab some drinks or something?"

"Well, Sam shi... Here's the thing. I'd love to grab a drink with you but at the moment i am rushing to get myself to some place and someone's waiting for me."

"You have to go?" He asked me to just confirmed his hunch.

"Yes, i have to go but that doesn't mean that i am rejecting your offer though... Maybe next time?"

"Sure. Till then, see you!" We both bow slightly to one another and walked our seperate ways.

Unknowingly, when I was talking to Sam-shi, all the pain and the conflicting thoughts that were in my heart and mind immediately dispersed themselves. What is wrong with me?!

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Author's note:

So sorry for not being able to updat as regularly. So here's another one. I finally decided to put on hold for 'Endings and Beginnings.' I am putting it on drafts till 'My heart' is done. And i am going to work on a 'One/Two shot' of Soowon story. Please anticipate for that. I just hope that there'll be no more silent readers for every single update because it had been really difficult for me to keep on writing when there weren't any thoughts/feedback on it. I just am not sure whether the updates are okay, great or really terrible. But in all, thank you for reading and have a great day ahead. Sorry for the flaws will check the errors when time is at my side. Godbless!