(A/N: GUUUYS it's almost thanksgiving here in the U.S! so here's my thanks to you all for your love and support of my story. You are all beautiful people that i appreciate <3 it mainly revolves around Jiyoung because my poor baby Ji has been hurting just as much as Taeminnie has~ okay well hopefully you enjoy the chapter- let me know! because i wrote this awhile ago and i'm like >.> now haha)

He saw a figure standing outside the house, pacing up and down the street. It was an odd situation. Should he go and talk to the boy-ask him why he’s standing outside the house, or should he just duck under the bushes and military style it to the back door hoping he doesn’t get seen?

“Oh!”

And the second option was out the door because he was standing right in the middle of the road thinking to himself about how to deal with everything, a spot where anybody could see him.  And somebody did.

“Ah Jongin ah! H-how strange to see you here” It came out awkwardly chirpy and he cringed internally at the pitch of his voice. I seriously need to get better at this.

“Suho-shi, what are you doing here?” What is the guidance counselor doing strolling the streets in the middle of the night? Jongin was just walking to clear his mind and he ended up here, in front of her house. It wasn’t his intention, but old habits die hard.

Suho scratched his head and chuckled nervously but covered it up with a cough trying to buy time to make up a story. “I, uh was craving some midnight food and went down to the convenience store to buy some, yeah, and I was just walking back home now. But that’s not the point, Jongin what are you doing here? You don’t live here”

He was probably too nervous to realize that Suho wasn’t even carrying a bag because he didn’t care about that part. All he focused on was how Suho knew he lived about three blocks down, it was in his file and Jongin knew he knew. And if Jongin knew Suho knew he didn’t live here, he also knew who did live here.

“I w-wasn’t. I was clearing my head and I ended up here. I-I”

Suho’s lips tugged upward in a small smile, amused by how the student was rocking of his heels and blinking a lot more as he spoke.  

“So what’s on your mind?” Suho bent down onto the curb to sit and patted the space next to him, welcoming him to sit down beside him. Jongin looked up to see if she was there and noticing she wasn’t, he took the spot.

“Is this going to be like one of our sessions?” Not that Jongin minded talking to Suho but he really didn’t feel like talking to a shrink at the moment.

“Just start at the beginning. We’ll see how it goes”

Jongin took a deep breath before he was about to dive into his problems but ‘the beginning’ wasn’t where he intended to start at.

“I left someone because I couldn’t handle not being needed, not being trusted but leaving that person proved exactly why she didn’t trust me.”

Suho nodded his head, letting the boy go on without interruptions like ‘and how did that make you feel?’ because he was for sure that he would go inside the house with a bruise.

“I wanted to distract myself from how hurt I was. It was a traumatic time for all of us, the lack of presence was so loud, and it was suffocating. Losing two people at the same time….I think we’re the only group to have done that.”

Jongin sighed loudly, looking at his knuckles, trying to remember every detail of that night and how they ended up where they were now. How he could have screwed up things so badly.

“I think Taemin was the first person I kind of screwed over”

Suho was a bit surprised by that. As far as he knew no one was as in sync as Jongin was with Taemin, they were compliments to each other. To be quite honest, the first person Suho thought about was his sister and how hurt she was by Jongin’s decisions and from everything he heard Jongin didn’t seem like the boy to make bad decisions left and right.

“I think I made my worst decisions all on the same day. Taemin…..he asked me if he should go and talk with Sulli but I told him not to. I was the one that held him back from making up with Sulli because I thought it was for the best. I wanted Sulli to enjoy the night because I knew she’d be happy the next day once Taemin told her.”

Suho was in awe watching the boy talk. To see his eyes glaze over and his shoulder’s harden as he continued on with the story. Never during their sessions did they talk as in depth as they are now. It was just a normal routine to make sure the students were doing okay and are still living their lives although they lost one. Jongin, one of his students, had so much guilt inside him, he could feel as if the boy owed something to Taemin, that he robbed Taemin from his happiness. But that wasn’t it. How was Jongin supposed to know Sulli was going to do something as tragic as suicide? That wasn’t in his control-he was just trying to help out his friend.   

“I messed up things for him and as I watch him suffer, I always remember that scene and how I told him to give her space…because now she has all the space she needs. Heaven and Earth.”

One of the street lights flickered and the air whipped through the night, it was much colder than it was the previous night but neither cared. And Suho was willing to stay out a bit more for Jongin.

“Krystal…..she wasn’t someone that I had the intentions of hurting. I told her straight out that I wasn’t ready and she could get hurt but I really tried not to. It’s just when you realize how utterly stupid you were…..you can’t come back from that. How can you make up for something that can’t be made up for?”

“Good question” Suho commented leaning back a little, his back was already killing him. Jongin looked at him expectantly, he wanted answers but all Suho was doing was nodding his head.

“There are so many things that are still hazy for me, a lot of us actually. But the more days go by, the more we see her-the more surprises she throws…Taemin for example, the more we are left in the dark. There are so many questions and she holds all the answers. I just don’t want to do something to add to the list of ‘things Kim Kai has screwed up on’. Did I mention that me and Sehun fought the other day?”

“You kids and your grammar. It’s ‘Sehun and I’ but overall you are just a lost kid” Suho rolled his shoulders back and tilted his head to the star-filled sky.

Jongin’s jaw was slack. “Okay so ‘guidance counselor’ guide me” he even threw in a little hand gesture for emphasis of his point, his breath making a puff around them.

Suho closed his eyes and wagged his finger “I decided I’m approaching this conversation purely as a stranger. Error 404- guidance counselor cannot be found”

Jongin’s eye twitched. He literally wanted to pick up Suho and put him in the nearby trashcan for the help he’s given him. He told him things he just thought to himself and all Suho was giving him was…nothing.

“I will tell you this. You can’t just jump right to the end to save your story. It has to be fixed from the beginning” and with that Suho stood up and dusted off his pants before patting Jongin on the head and heading straight for the house they were in front of.

I’m sorry but what? For reals like what?!  

 Jongin turned his body to yell at Suho to explain what he said when he saw that his guidance counselor was about to walk into Suzy’s house.

“Uhhh. Mr. Suho…you can’t go in there, th-“ He stopped mid-sentence when Suho raised his keys bewildering the poor kid for the second time.

“I live here. Good night Jongin!”  And the door quietly shut in Jongin’s face.

……………………………………………………

Jiyoung wasn’t sure how she ended up on the front door steps of Sulli’s house. It was just like how she remembered it, the cobble driveway making it horrible for the girls to wear heels on, and the wind chimes were exactly where she last saw them. She had hung them with Sulli, they found them together in an old thrift store. There were two that they bought, one for Sulli and one for Jiyoung, they had said that when theirs chimed it was as if they were talking to each other. They were fifteen.

It was past one a.m, and she was still sitting on the porch steps not making a sound. And she wished that if she rang the doorbell, that smile would greet her and welcome her in for milk and cookies. But it wasn’t going to happen. It’s never going to happen.

She just wanted to hear her voice. But she couldn’t. Her nails were chipped as she kept picking at them, she was lost in her own thoughts until a buzzing inside her jean pockets shook her out of it. She stretched out her leg and pulled out her phone. It was a text from Sehun wondering where she ran off too because they had promised to walk back together. She would have felt bad for worrying her friend but she didn’t want to reply. Didn’t want to tell him on whose doorsteps she was on.

And looking at her phone, her thumb slid over to unlock the screen, she hovered for a split second before pushing down and placing the phone next to her ear and it rang and rang and rang. Well knowing that the person wouldn’t answer.  

“Hey, you’ve reached Sulli~ I can’t come to the phone right now but leave me a message and I will get back to you. hehe bye~”

Her fingers curled at the last word, it was what she had wanted to have at least said to the girl, said to her best friend. A proper goodbye. But that wasn’t what she really wanted, she didn’t want to have said bye, she wanted to have said sorry. To apologize to Sulli for causing her so much pain because of her own actions, to have caused such a misunderstanding that ended up terribly. 

“Sulli ah, it’s Jiyoungie, I uh-“ The words were getting clogged in . was starting to close up and her eyes stinging.

“I’m outside your house Sulli ah, won’t you come outside?” It was a cruel request, to want to see her and have her open the door to sit outside with her. To bring the milk and cookies outside so they can talk about everything under the moonlight like they did when they were sixteen. It was cold but no doubt they would have just wrapped themselves in a blanket.

“Why won’t you come outside? Don’t-don’t you want to see me?” was that her voice cracking?

“Yeah I wouldn’t either.” Now she was sure it was her own sobbing going through to the other line. She could barely even hear her own words.

“But didn’t you say tomorrow? Di-didn’t you say tomorrow we could talk?” That’s what Sulli said right? That they would talk and she would hear what actually happen. Forgive her.

“It’s been tomorrow for a while Sulli, won’t you hear me out?.....I’m sorry Sulli ah~” She saw her breath go into the air and disappear into the night. As if each time she spoke, the water in the glass was evaporating.

“I’ve always liked him Sulli, the boy I told you about-the one I said had a cute smile? It was him but maybe I should have said that it was Taemin before. Before you told me you had a crush on him, because – because when I saw that smile. You had this, oh god, this huge smile and I couldn’t-I couldn’t take that away from you”

The words were garbling with her silent cries. Her sentences were short spoken like she was choking on air. was burning and her nose runny but she was going to keep talking to Sulli.

“You were….you are my best friend and I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry Sulli ah. I’m so sorry”

The phone slipped out her hand and crashed onto the pavement. Her hands were shaking as they tangled into her hair, the tears wouldn’t stop coming out, her whimpers were soft but it was all the same painful.

She was apologizing for liking her friend’s boyfriend, for thinking about herself in that moment-to clear up her own thoughts than Sulli’s feeling. She was sorry for not being a good friend. She was sorry for being a bad person. And even though he told her she was, she knew she wasn’t because why would she be having this sinking sensation if she was a good person?

Her phone vibrated once more on the pavement and she watched as it jumped-moving slightly in place before picking it up and sliding the phone across once more, ignoring the text.

She scanned through her contact list before coming across the one person that she knew would be up.

“I—I—can’t anymore”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She saw them from her bedroom window. Her elbows rested on top of the window seal as she waited for her hair to dry. She didn’t know what they were saying, she had her earbuds in her ear blasting music, but it wasn’t kpop or anything of that sort. It was Tchaikovsky’s Autumn. He was one of her favorite composers but she hasn’t listened to this type of music is a long time. Krystal’s request surged up something in her and she was going to desperately hold onto it.

She thought it was funny, her brother was obviously panicking- he was talking with his hands and that always a sign. The other’s back was facing her but she could tell who it was, she knew those tense shoulders anywhere. Jongin what are you doing?

Her fingers were tapping along to the piano, peacefully relaxing as she watched the boys talk outside thinking they were ridiculous. What time it is that they think being outside is okay?

She picked up her phone pressing down on the button for her screen to light up. 1:17 am. It was already past one and she was still awake, she’s never been one to sleep early, her thoughts kept her up late, especially now more than ever.

Right before she placed it back down her music paused and the phone buzzed slightly in her hand. Furrowing her eyebrows and quickly looking outside to see if it was one of the boys, she turned her phone around and glanced at the name flashing on her screen. Youngie

Jiyoung? Yes she had deleted Krystal’s and Jongin and Sehun along with the others but she kept Jiyoung’s number….she had this immense feeling of …..Something, for Jiyoung that she could never bring herself to erase hers.

Still confused as to what was happening, she took out her right ear bud and answered the phone, placing it next to her ear. All she heard for a few seconds were whimpers until a choked up voice breathed out her name.

“Suji ah, I can’t anymore”

The whole night was flashing back way too quickly for Suzy’s liking. She was feeling light headed and her eyebrow twitched recognizing the words and how they were just like Sulli’s. The same words, the same feeling-they both sounded exhausted. I can’t anymore….I’m tired of everything.

“Jiyoung ah, where are you right now?” Please tell me where you are. She didn’t care that she was in her pajamas or that it was this late or early, if Jiyoung needed her-she’d be there. As destructive as it was, she’d be there for them. She wasn’t going to lose another.  

“Suzy, what am I doing? What am I doing?” the sound of the wind howling came through the phone. Is she outside?

Her left earbud fell out as she unfolded her legs to stand up. “What do you mean?”

“You should have been there Suzy. Hyeri, Jaebum…..Suzy ah, they fought. Do you remember the last time they fought?”

They’ve never fought, they understood each other the best that it was scary.

“And now I’m here and all I want to do is talk to her again Suji. Why couldn’t she have talked to me?”

“Tomorrow, talk to me tomorrow” That’s what Sulli said to Jiyoung. Suzy’s heart burned. She now understood why she never deleted her number. Guilt. Suzy had felt guilty for taking that opportunity away from the girl. That Jiyoung would have to continue on with her life knowing that her best friend never forgave her. That Sulli had felt betrayed like Suzy had by Jiyoung but that to Jiyoung Suzy was still alive.

“I’m the worst aren’t I Suzy? I kissed Taemin, I had my own bestfriend look at me like I was someone else….I—and even if—“

Did the line cut off? Suzy reclined her arm to have the screen light up-reading 3 minutes and 27 seconds. The line was still alive.

“Ji?”

“Sulli would have never forgiven me anyways” She could mentally picture Jiyoung outside, shrugging her shoulder-trying to keep in a sob having her face look like she was in pain. She is.

“So even if you killed her……..” Suzy swallowed at her choice of words.

“…..you wouldn’t have. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve been sitting outside for the past, I don’t even know how long, and possibly going to freeze to death but that doesn’t matter right now.”

Suzy could hear her shuffling “Suzy….why did we listen to you?”

Because it was my fault……..at that moment nothing anyone could have said would have made a difference to me. Saying it wasn’t my fault wouldn’t have saved Sulli……..I wanted to punish myself. 

“Taemin…..her Taemin-he was never mine anyways…..he’s by your side now and he said….he said he put his name under yours and at the top of your own”

Suzy blinked, her hands still clutching her door knob. She was going to go to Jiyoung but her feet stopped after hearing her last few words. Taemin said that? Her hand released the knob and brought it up to .

“The list he was talking about. I think I understand now. And my name……oh my god Suzy the wind chime just…it just” A soft ring filled the line and Suzy heard Jiyoung laughing on the other side.

“It…..my name…it’s underneath Taemin’s on both of the lists. Sulli’s and yours. I’m sorry I ruined you. I’m sorry.”

Jiyoung was the first one. The first one to have apologized without being told anything. The first one to have made Suzy’s stomach drop at her words. And she did it with Sulli’s help.

“I don’t know what happened that night Suji. You may…but …. Suzy, li-listen to me; I still can’t forgive you for keeping so many things to yourself, you weren’t being fair but I’m not one to talk. You loved her as much as I did and if I didn’t want to hurt her…… I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

The chiming of the wind chimes were getting louder and Suzy slightly sobbed before hearing the beep that the line died.

“No no no, oh my god no.” Her heart was beating out her chest as her fingers shook to redial the number.

“I’m sorry the person you are try—“

Dammitt!!! Jiyoung answer the phone

A tweeting sound interrupted her breakdown, her phone just signaled that she received a message. A text message.

~I’m fine. I have one last person to talk to.~ Youngie

Suzy slumped against her wall, recollecting her thoughts. Hyeri and Jaebum fought, Taemin put his name on the top of her list and Jiyoung apologized to her. She took in a deep breath and shook her head as she looked back at her phone. There was too much for her to forgive and forget but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t-it would just take more strength from her to do so. She picked herself from the ground wiping her tears and slapped her cheeks to wake herself up. Taemin and Jiyoung. She now how two people with her. The more of them that came back, the more she’d have to face everything. You can do this Suzy. Don’t self-destruct but don’t pretend as well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What kind of game are you playing?!”

Jieun felt like she had been hit by a whip. The stung was fresh and raw. She never thought of it that harshly.

“That….I don—“ The words weren’t forming. She didn’t even know how to phrase anything she was thinking because she wasn’t thinking anything. Her mind was a clean slate. Oh my god

Taemin’s eye were burning holes in her head, he was no longer laying on the ground, no he had crouched up to grab ahold of her wrist so she couldn’t make a run for it. No, she wasn’t leaving him, she was going to answer him.

“Speak Jieun or I swear you’ll be off worse than Suzy” it came out like a growl sending shivers down her spine. Taemin never acted this way towards her and she was for once speechless.

She never felt this way before, it was almost as if she was…. powerless. She was always in control of the situation, she was never one to be on the short end. Jieun was feeling, at this moment in her life-scared because she didn’t know what would happen “I….well” The prickling sensation hadn’t left her, and she knew that she was screwed no matter if she bulled it or not-but besides, having Taemin willing your soul to hell right in front of you would lead anyone to cave.

“You were all just so stupid! Like what kind of relationships were you having?!” Jieun lost it, all the desperation that had been built up inside her for more than 10 years of her life need to be let out and sadly Taemin was at the other end.

“You people! Why can’t you have an honest relationship for once! Is that so hard for you all? Honesty? I was honest for god sake!”

“Honest? You think you were honest and did a good job then? That you weren’t as involved as Suzy in Sulli’s death? How could you think that?”

“I didn’t kill her that night! I wasn’t the one in charge!”

“No, but you did put her in that situation Lee Jieun. You put those thoughts in her mind Jieun”

“I just told her what I saw…” Her voice trailed off at the end. All the memories of that night and especially Sulli’s heartbroken face when she told her about the kiss…..did she make a mistake? But…that’s why she told her about it right? To be a good friend…….right?

“Jieun, you told her that because you wanted to cause some chaos, you like it when everyone is running around without a head and you’re strutting perfectly fine but you can’t play your friends like that. We’re all you have and you know that”

“I have my family, my dad is just….he’s just..”

“Jieun, you live alone….your dad has another family, he doesn’t even live in the country anymore. You’re mom doesn’t know you either. But just because your family life is messed up did not give you a right to try to mess with our lives. Sulli was the most fragile out of all of us….why would you play her?”

“I wasn’t playing her…..Suzy-I was just messing with Suzy because and I…..I couldn’t not tell her”

“You, unlike what you think, didn’t know anything. You hurt her in more ways than we can count just with your tongue so don’t think just for a second your hands aren’t stained.”

(Yeahhhhhhhh.........love me....and JAckson because he is a puppy just like puppy Yeol- my EXO bias. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to those who celebrate it )