(GUUUUYYYS!!!!! IT'S BEEN HOW LONG?!!!! I'M SORRY. I'VE BEEN SWAMPED WITH WORK AND SCHOOL AND OMG MIDTERMS :( I HAVE ANOTHER TUESDAY. i KNOW I PROMISED I'D UPDATE ATLEAST EVERY 2 WEEKS BUT I HAVE BEEN STRESSING OUT AND COULDNT WRITE..III.......I'M SO SORRY. YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING SO PATIENTLY AND WE ARE ALMOST DONE THE STORY TOO! LIKE MAYBE 30-31 CHAPTERS IN TOTAL? I HAVE NO IDEA BUT WHATEVER. I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THE CHAPTER BECAUSE IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WRITTEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON HAHA)

Maybe it was the sound of running water that soothed her or maybe it was seeing her skin shriveled up like it’s been torn open and sewed back together that made it easier for her to taste the saltiness of the water as she stood underneath the shower head. The droplets of water that fell down from her fingertips towards the puddle near her feet was as if each negative comment, each bad thought was falling from her skin where they had settled deep before. 

Her tears mixed in with the water as it washed away her impurities down the drain, leaving her to feel so light, as if she had no worries in the world. It only lasted for twenty minutes but she wished she could’ve stayed in there longer but she knew she’d be scolded soon enough for taking so long. And as soon as that thought entered her mind, she discovered how else she could feel so lighthearted and pure…like a child.  

After getting out and dressed, it led to her knocking on that one door with that one person that would always see the good in her no matter what she did.

“Come in” A soft voice called out and just like it commanded she opened the door to plop herself next to her mother’s figure on the bed. It was a very warm smile that blinded Suzy the moment her eyes met her mother’s. She could tell that the older woman was tired but she also saw the joy that reflected off her face when she walked in, as if her mother had been waiting for her to talk to her. And it made her feel a little guilty knowing her mom was so eager to help.

“Just took a shower? Suzy you are old enough to know that you should dry your hair if you don’t want to get sick”

She could feel fingers running through her wet hair trying to untangle the knots that were there and she felt herself lean back against her mom’s figure and close her eyes. As if in between the stages of falling asleep and awake, Suzy hummed in response.

“Yeah, I’ll dry it soon…..Mom? Sorry for keeping you up. I know your shift ending just a while ago”

“Oh honey it’s okay. Talking to you is better than sleeping”

Her mom saw the muscles on her face relax and as much as it calmed her heart to know Suzy was content, it pained her at the same time. The only time her daughter’s face wasn’t so tense was when she was falling asleep and it was hard on her really, having to see her daughter go through so many battles and could only be of so much help. And at times she felt useless as a mother because she was barely at home because of her hours but her kids always told her that she was the best and it made her heart feel heavier each time.

“I remember I used to love coming into your room and trying on your shoes. Sulli would pick them out and I would model for her and Jaebum, aish I can’t believe it, would judge me, giving me a score as I tried to walk in them”

Her mom’s eyes glistened as she heard Suzy speak in such an off tone, as if the memory was a dream.

“You would and I remember you fell and scraped your knee once and Sulli started crying because you were bleeding. She was such a sweet girl, you weren’t crying but she felt the need to cry for you”

Suzy had been trying to spin around because Jaebum had given her such a low score that she felt like she had to do something and when she moved her foot to turn, she slipped on the hard wood floor causing her knee to scratch and bleed. Jaebum ran to get her mom that was making snacks downstairs and Suzy stared at Sulli who was holding her hand and with the other was wiping her nose that was running and in that moment Suzy couldn’t comprehend as to why Sulli was crying if she was the one in pain. She wanted to cry but Sulli was doing it for her.

The cooling sensation of her mom’s hands pressing down on the temples of her head was numbing and she couldn’t help but feel so grateful that her mind was slowly going unconscious. “Taemin came back to me”

Her mom smiled softy but didn’t say anything, allowing Suzy to finish.

“I accepted it because he reminded me of Sulli, and I figured that if I kept him with me she didn’t really die, that it was all a nightmare. But as he continues to be next to me it’s becoming realer.” She continued to talk but swore she heard her mom mutter more real under her breath.

“Mom, I talked to Krystal today and it made me realize that I keep losing people because of my actions. If I had told them what had happened, if I was more honest with Jongin, not giving Sehun so much hope, maybe put Jieun in her place at times, pay more attention to Sulli, been closer to Taemin, helped out Jiyoung with her feelings, helped out Hyeri be herself more, and had Jaebum think for himself-then maybe I wouldn’t be as alone as I feel”

“Oh baby, that’s too much for you to do. You aren’t responsible for their lives. They are your friends, not your kids.”

“But I feel like it is you know?....... Maybe I’m just an idiot really.”

The massage stopped and she felt herself being sat upright and her mother turned her around to face her. She could see her mom’s lips were pressed together in a thin line and her eyebrows were furrowed. There were wrinkles at the side of her eyes, and Suzy’s heart squeezed seeing how the once delicate skin of her mother’s youth left as the years went by. It was hard looking her mom in the eye, almost scared that she would see her so easily, knowing the thoughts that went through her mind and the actions she made that followed them. She didn’t want to continue disappointing her but there wasn’t judgment in her mom’s eyes-there was only worry and her eyes kept scanning her daughter’s face for any sign. This is what I need right now, thank you umma.

“Bae Suji is no idiot. You are just a sweet, sweet, girl that loves her friends dearly. You care so much about other people Suzy, more than yourself and that can be destructive.”

“Destructive? Is doing the right thing…..Mom, am I doing the right thing? Accepting Taemin? Talking to Krystal? …because for a moment I felt like I had one of my sisters back. Mom is that what you mean destructive? The more hope I build……the walls that are starting to come down that it may not be a good idea. Opening myself up again?

“Oh I don’t know what the right thing is baby; all I want is the best for you. I want to see my beautiful Suzy again and if you can find her let her know that a lot of people miss her but that this Suzy is going to be alright. You are going to be alright. Just believe in yourself a little more, there’s so much that you’re going through that I wouldn’t be able to handle and you’re trying you’re best. That’s what makes me proud”

She wasn’t sure who hugged who first but it didn’t matter because all that did was that her mom smelled like soap and that her vanilla scented shampoo that mixed with it made the most comforting scent in the entire world and if she could, she would have rather stay in her mom’s embrace than anyone else’s. Her mom’s arms were filled with unconditional love. A love of a mother for her daughter was a very strong kind a love; it was a beautiful thing that was much appreciated at times of need. 

“Mom if you knew you had to give up on one person to make another person happy, would you?”

“Does that person, the one you might let go, make you happy?”

“Once”

“And the person you give them up to, does that person mean more to you than the other?”

“What?”

“Does that person’s happiness mean more to you than your own?”

“I don’t….mom…he, meant a lot to me and she meant a lot to me but they were two different pieces of my soul, you know? They person I loved and the person I didn’t want to lose, how could I choose between those two? How is it that they still have that big of a part of me after everything?”

“Baby…this might not be the answer to your question but who were you hurt the most by? The person you loved or by the person you didn’t think could leave you? You were hurt either way but the thing right now is who the best is for you in your moment right now. Are you okay to love him again? Are you okay to forgive her? Honey what do you need in your life right now?”

Someone who won’t leave me

……………..

“She isn’t picking up?”

“No”

Jongin shook his head dejectedly, having enough of trying to reach Krystal and her not picking up.

“Why doesn’t someone else try?” Jieun looked at him with her one of her eyebrows raised.

“You’re her boyfriend, if she doesn’t answer you, who else?”

“Right…” Maybe he should have corrected their statement. He was no longer Krystal Jung’s boyfriend. He was back to just being Kai… just Kai. Without a second thought he lifted himself off the booth and swiped his phone off the table and without answering anyone’s questions, left.

Sehun was too busy drinking to his heart’s content with the other dancers in a celebration for their aching backs to have noticed Jongin leaving or he would have gone after him. Jiyoung would have followed him too, being it natural for her to comfort her friends, but she was in the middle of singing along to 2NE1’s “I AM the Best” with some other girls to have done so.

And once Jongin left the booth the only ones around the table were Jieun, Hyeri, Taemin and Jaebum. The loud banging of the glass door didn’t distract the others enjoying the night; it only affected the small group sitting.

Hyeri leaned back in her chair eyeing the rest of the group “Well that was odd”

“How so?” Jaebum mumbled still feeling embarrassed around Taemin who was happily downing his drink down, letting out a raspy sigh in satisfaction at the end.

 Jieun moved a piece of her hair back behind her ear and kept twirling the straw around her drink. “The fact that Krystal and Kai are avoiding each other like the plague.”

Taemin perked up at this, having completely missed the entire notion going down with his friends, lost in his own thoughts “Wait what? They had a fight? About what?”

“Come on Taeminnie, who else would it be about. Starts with an ‘S’ and ends with a ‘Y’ ”

“Suzy again? But she hasn’t even looked in his direction and Krystal would have skinned her alive if that, so why?” Taemin was only gone from the group for two days and he misses this much?

“She doesn’t have to lead him on for him to go off on his own. I mean did you lead Jiyoung on?” Jaebum questioned Taemin with a sour look in his face and the entire conversation took a hard left with his statement.

“Excuse me, what the are you bringing that up for?!” He was furious as to why Jaebum would mention that when they were talking about Kai and Krystal. And he was trying to be in a good mood too damn!

“Suzy and Krystal …bestfriends. …well ex but where did that pattern come up before?”

“Are you really going there Jae? You don’t even know what happened!”

“What’s there to know really, you cheated on my cousin with her best friend, kind of like Kai. You both surely are the best of friends. So alike”

“Would it have mattered so much to you if I kissed Hyeri instead?” Jaebum froze in place and watched as Taemin reclined his arm around Hyeri and brought her closer to him.

The look of complete surprise couldn’t have been hidden from her face as Taemin angled her face up and looked at Jaebum square in the eyes.

“She wasn’t Sulli’s best friend. That would of made me and Kai different no? You keep judging me on something I had no control over but this moment I do. Should we have kissed Hyeri ah?”

“Wha-“ Her breath only flickered across his skin for a second before Jieun kicked the side of his chair making him topple to the ground and Jaebum, who had been about to punch Taemin, swing right through the air.

Taemin landed hard on the floor and glared up at Jieun meeting her lazy eyes before dashing up and shooting a fleeting smile to Hyeri who smiled back at him completely unfazed. He bowed mockingly to Jaebum and quickly left out the same door as Jongin, too embarrassed of how he acted to pretend that he was fine like he was doing before.

Jieun sipped on her glass slowly and narrowed her eyes at Jaebum “You, my dear, need to grow up. Jealousy isn’t pretty.” and with that she pushed in her chair and pushed the crossbar across the door forward welcoming the cold air as she stepped out.

There were only two left at the table, a flabbergasted Jaebum and an annoyed Hyeri. She picked at her nails letting the tension thicken before sharpening her gaze at Jabeum just like Jieun had done, having him lower his head like a scolded puppy. She didn’t even have to raise her voice, despite someone singing horribly off key, for him to know she was about to set him straight.    

“You know, I’m not a little girl.”

“Huh?”

“I can take care of myself if I’m in a situation where I don’t want to be touched. I don’t need you or anyone else to protect me. I’m old enough to look out for myself so stop trying to prove that you’re all big and tough with violence because all its proving is that you’re being insensitive. Taemin did nothing wrong except show you how judgmental you are when you made that mistake one too many times.”

“I didn’t mean for –“

“But it happened because you said that and you don’t think he has been hurting enough by his own thoughts? Yeah Sulli is your cousin but she was Taemin’s girlfriend. If anyone cared the most about her it would be him. Don’t let your own prejudice cloud that logic.”

“It’s not like that”

“I know what it’s exactly like, Jae. I have made my fair share of judgmental calls and I’m trying to make up for them. Choosing sides is not what I plan on doing because Krystal was just emotional over the time and refuses to acknowledge that she did wrong because that’s hard for certain people Jaebum. It’s hard to admit your mistakes and maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s because I’m tired and my brain has long left me for me to be finally saying that I am done making mistakes!”

The song was long over by the start of her rant and all that bounced along the walls of the room was Hyeri’s mental breakdown. Dancers eyed other dancers, mentally exchanging thoughts of ‘what the hell is going on’ or ‘did she say Bae Suzy?’ Sehun had stop laughing along to something someone had said to catch midway of Hyeri’s speech and Jiyoung’s skin turned white as a ghost recalling her conversation with Hyeri in the bathroom and what they would do if they all turned out to be wrong because seeing Hyeri, the mother figure of the group, losing her mind was a heartbreaking thing to watch.  

“Hey, calm down. We can discuss this—“

“What’s there to discuss anymore? What are you going to tell me that will make anything better? You punched Taemin, Jae, one of your best friends. Kai and Krystal are over, and Sehun is like a stupid puppy for being so damn loyal. Jieun for once, I wanted to thank her for telling you straight up that you’ve been acting so fake, and Jiyoung is filled with so much guilt that if you looked into her eyes you’d see she’s drowning but she doesn’t think she can be saved. Jaebum, open your eyes, we’re sinking and you’re the first one tearing us.”

…………………………………………..

“Unni, can I ask you a question?”

The entire house was dark, it was almost midnight and her heart was still beating erratically from her encounter with the other. Her entire emotions were out of sync and she needed an adult to talk to. She had turned off her cell phone the moment his name popped up on the screen and decided her sister was the best choice.

“Aren’t you asking me one right now?”

The younger shoved the older and whined in protest only to have the older flick her sister on the nose. She closed her laptop and swiveled around in her desk chair to give her undivided attention to Krystal. It was late and she had meant to be asleep in bed hours ago but she couldn’t, someone had to stay awake to make sure Krystal returned.

“What?”

The annoyance etched on her face faded away seeing Krystal look so nervous standing in front of her. What happened?

“Speak baby Jung”

“No, it’s just…why am I so bad with words?--”

“Cuz you’re stupid” Her patience was slipping. Not only is she tired but staring at the computer screen had given her a serious headache. Maybe she shouldn’t have offered to stay up for Krystal.

“Unnie! I’m serious here!”

“Then stop acting like a child! You have something you want to address or seek advice in then say it properly. There’s no point in wanting to talk about something if you’re only going to go around in circles.”

“Why can’t I be happy?”

Jessica stopped mid rant and stared wide eyes at her sister. What could make her be unhappy? No, the issue regarding their parent’s relationship had been going on for years for it to take its toll now and besides, for the past week there hasn’t been any fighting.

“What nonsense are you talking about?”

“Everyone’s favorite was Suzy, even unnie liked her so much. She was chosen all the time to be the lead or sing the solo. I worked just as hard but was never recognized nearly as much so why—“

“I’m going to stop you right there. You, Krystal Jung, are comparing yourself to another girl, which I find to be very stupid.”

“But”

“But nothing! I know you Soojung, Suji is, and I’m still saying is because I find this entire thing very immature but that isn’t the main topic of this conversation, she still is your best friend. And I know very well that you would never react this way because something in school like a play so what exactly—“

During her speech, the younger had slowly moved closer to the older and had eventually sat in her lap. There weren’t any unshed tears in the taller’s eyes or redness of her cheeks, just a pure look of blankness.

“I’m pathetic and stupid. Is that why I feel like I’m nothing when I’m next to her? It’s annoying; feeling this way. All anyone can see is her and not me and even if I try again what if she chooses him? I can’t..and she…I can’t stay mad at her any longer even if she does choose him! It’s killing me! She says that she knows me the best and I was horrible to her unnie. Why is she always there for me? And why isn’t he unnie? Why doesn’t he love me? Am I that unlovable compared to Suzy? Why? Why can’t I be loved as well?”

The tension in Jessica’s shoulder relaxed, and she lips tugged upwards in a small smile. Her sister was an idiot, to overreact on a lot of things, be judgmental and rude at times but she had a good heart. She was just bad at expressing it. But she had one thing wrong.

“I love you. Mom loves you and so does dad.”

Her hand found its way to pat the girl sitting on her lap, probably cutting off her circulation, and tried to have the young 20 year old understand something that she took years discovering herself.

“You are loved very much Krystal. Maybe not by the person you want but you have to realize that being in love doesn’t guarantee you automatic happiness. You have to make yourself happy first before you can share that with anyone else. Wanting to be loved to make yourself happy is wrong, you can feel happy because you’re loved but that shouldn’t be the reason itself. A boy, a certain Kim Jongin, doesn’t decide if you’re happy or not. You choose that yourself.”

Krystal’s eyes cleared up, there was a light in them and maybe that was the moon shining through the window but whatever the reason it made Jessica’s heart lighter.

“Don’t lose people over misunderstandings. You can’t force someone to love you and if you love them Soojung ah, you’ll soon discover that seeing them happy is enough for you. And let me tell you this, friendship is definitely worth more than anything else. If you can’t love them as a lover, love them as a friend. Don’t make him guilty baby, this was him probably doing what’s right for you both. “

………………………………………………….

He had been walking normal pace so far but the moment he heard light footprints hot on his tail he picked up his speed. So fast that his lungs were burning with each step he took but he wouldn’t stop no matter how much the other’s voice called to him. His legs were feeling like stone and his arms soon too sore to continue its movements, his body soon collapsed on the side of the sidewalk. He could hear his heart beat drum so loudly in his ear that it was deafening causing him to not know the other was on his right looking straight down at him. He could feel her eyes piercing right through his body but refused to look at her. He was too embarrassed.

“You caused quite a scene there and I thought we had already gone passed that with Krystal’s outburst”

“What do you want Jieun?”

She had folded her legs pretzel style so that she could sit next to him on the dirty sidewalk, not at all like her. She tucked back her hair behind her ear and breathed out loudly. Taemin still hadn’t uncovered his eyes and his arm was becoming lead and crushing him under it.

“Why would you do something like that?”

“I lost my temper okay? Jaebum hadn’t stopped and I was still pissed from earlier no matter how hard I tried to understand him he’s just an—“

“Not that you idiot, and you know very well how close Hyeri is to him so for you to go there was stupid, but not my point. My question wasn’t about that incident; it was about Sulli and Suzy”

Taemin groaned and finally replaced his arm down back to his side. He was still lying with his back pressed against the gravel but seeing the little pebbles sticking onto Jieun’s leg made him swallow down his insult. She would have never sat down on the hard concrete for anything, she was always standing, having that superior flair about her, so why would she now?

“You’re leg is all dirty”

“Thank you captain obvious now back to my question”

“Why did you follow me? Normally Jiyoung would have and I would have shaken her off the second I ran but she wasn’t even there for it but that still doesn’t add up to why you chased after me. Why did you?”

“For you to answer my damn question, alright?! I need to know and I won’t take that bloody crap you told everyone else as to why you are fine with Suzy again. She killed our friend Taemin ah! She killed Sulli”

Now it wasn’t like Jieun to be like this. She was the cool and collected type but the whole thing from earlier had shaken her up. And she needs to know how someone like Suzy could be forgiven after everything she did because just maybe Jieun could be forgiven too.

“She didn’t Jieun ah and you know that.”

“No I don’t! She should have known Sulli wasn’t stable that night! For god sake the girl had a mental breakdown when I told her about the kiss!”

Her heart beat stopped and she could sense her body shutting down, the one thing she wanted to keep secret had spilled out and by her own mouth too. Damn!

“You told her about it? You knew she knew? And you took her out to a club?! For what! To get drunk and get back at me? What the hell were you thinking Jieun! What kind of sick game was that?

……………………………..

“Is it wrong to want to hold onto two things?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is it selfish?”

“It’s called being human”

~The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing~

(Yay we made it through that mess, seriously what did i write? i have no clue what i was eating >.< and you waited so long for that????? and where did Kai go?? 

 (runs away in terror of your comments)

But anyways  we should all know that my bias in snsd is jessica and i'm not even--like i can't. no comment on that, words cannot express how i--well they could but they wouldn't be friendly.(I"M NEVER CHANGING MY PHOTO) And my exo-m bias is luhan......why are all my babies leaving me? Huuuu :'(

 (Jackson is me,  I am jackson. I always pick the weirdos to be my bias)