-You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view..... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it-

~To Kill a Mockingbird.

The clock in the house chimed signaling that it was 10 o’clock at night. It was the only thing in the house that made a sound. It was the only thing signaling its existence for the rest of the house was quiet.

Suzy hadn’t moved since she had lifted Taemin’s head off her shoulder an hour ago. And Taemin was sitting in a back up-straight position for the past hour after hearing everything. He couldn’t move, not even lift a finger so it was a miracle when he spoke. His voice was raspy and cracked making it a whole lot harder to hear but it still was heard.

He his lips trying to speak clearer “You mean…Sulli wanted to die?”

He was feeling a cold sensation, not quite sure as what to make of it. Was his body freezing? Was it the lack of warmth in his heart? He didn’t know. He didn’t care because there was already so much going on for him to take notice as to why he was feeling cold.

My Sulli wanted to die? He couldn’t comprehend as to why she had to die. Why so couldn’t of waited for the next day-the next day everything was going to be cleared. Jiyoung would tell Sulli about what happen and they of course would get in a fight but they’d make up because they’re best friends and best friends listen to each other. Her parents would be back and they’d hug her close, saying sorry for being away for so long. And Taemin would get to tell Sulli that he loved her, afraid of losing her but he never got the chance. And that’s why he continued to blame Suzy, he would never get to hold Sulli in his arms and tell her he loved her. He fought with himself over the word for it only going up in flames. 

He didn’t want to cry and he wasn’t going to. Not because he didn’t care because he of course cared so much that he was going crazy, but he didn’t want to cry because he knew Sulli wouldn’t want him too. She was too much of an angel to ever want Taemin to cry when he thought of her. 

Suzy’s face was still tear free, she had figured that when she spoke of the subject again she’d break down in tears but all hers were already out. She had cried for 6 months and just again a while ago. She was all out.

“I’m sorry Taemin ah” Taemin jumped out of his seat in disbelief

“You’re sorry? Sorry?”  You can’t be serious

She hadn’t pictured this scene because she didn’t think the next person she’d tell to be Taemin but it was appropriate. He was Sulli’s boyfriend but in all honesty she thought the next person to want to hear the story right after Jaebum would be Jiyoung, Sulli’s bestfriend and it wouldn’t be at nine at night. Not now. She wasn’t ready but she didn’t think she’d ever be.

His voice was still raspy and it shrilled in the end making Suzy want to erase the last hour of her life and continue on living the way she was. Alone and in pain. No one else had to suffer. Hearing the tone of surprise and disbelief from Taemin hurt her more than she could think. He was blaming her again and she was just starting to heal. The scab was being picked and it would leave a scar this time after it bled. 

“How can you just say you’re sorry?!” Taemin was beside himself “You let her die”

All the air inside her felt like it was kicked out of her stomach.

“We all thought that and you had no intention of changing that?! You had felt betrayed when we all left you but you didn’t think you had no part in helping us think that? You did that for a reason but it wasn’t one for you to have. How can you let each and every one of us think this way for six months?”

“I was scared” Taemin scoffed at her

“Scared? Are you joking?”

“Yes scared Taemin! My friend died right in front of me!” Did he not listen to anything she said? Did he not understand why she couldn’t talk about it? It was replaying in her head at the hospital so forgive her if she didn’t want to talk but Suzy also knew that it wasn’t the right move to do. To keep quiet in hope that it’ll all go away, it wasn’t right.

“You didn’t think I had a right to know about my own girlfriend? That she had wanted to die?!”

“I know”

“No you don’t know Suzy! How selfish can you be? All you said was that it was your fault and nothing more! How could you?”

Suzy was biting her lip to stop herself from screaming. She knew he was going to react this way, he needed to let it off his chest. She did the same to Suho and he let her, he let her cry and scream when she told him and all he did was smile at her throughout the whole thing.

“Sulli! She was mine Suzy! She was mine and you took her away from me!” Taemin was ranting, too emotional to rationalize his thoughts. But he knew. He knew the reality of it all and it was creeping up on him

“She was supposed to be mine. I-i-loved her” He was pulling his hair out. Little clumps were in his hands but it wouldn’t stop her voice pounding in his head.

“I can call you Minnie right? Even though you don’t like it?”

“I’m not good enough Suzy”

“I like you too”

 “Who would accept me over you?!”

“Taemin! Let’s go on a date!”

"Don't call me your girlfriend when you act like you don't even have one!"

It’s not your fault Taemin. No, it wasn’t. It’s Suzy’s fault. It has to be

He tried to get himself to believe that but it was hard lying to yourself. “I’m tired. Just tired of everything”

It can’t be my fault

“I love you Taemin”

“No no~ ” He moaned. His vision was blurry and he couldn’t help the sob that came out of his mouth

“It’s my fault” the same words were going in Taemin’s ear and he closed his eyes to calm down. His heart was beating slower than it was when he got here and he didn’t know if that was a good thing. All he knew was that he wanted it to stop because the words were lies and it made his heart one beat from stopping realizing that.

He was covering his face but the sobs weren’t stopping. “It can’t be” 

“I’m sorry. Sulli….she needed me and i…I couldn’t” She was like a broken record, repeating the same thing hoping for a different outcome. Hoping that he would see how much she wanted to be saved but she was destroying herself. How much she wanted to be told that it wasn’t but she knew how much it was her fault, she just wanted to hear it from them. To help her breathe a little better but she was positive he would never say it.

Sulli didn’t need you Suzy “Stop”

Suzy whipped her head to stare at his back. The voice he used was so painfully forced that it sounded like he was scratching the walls of his throat to find one.

She felt him come back to her side. He sighed and crouched down in front of her making her face him completely and she saw him smile softy at her. A smile filled with regret and strings of thin saliva attaching his lips.  

“You can stop now”

His eyes had unshed tears in them and she bit her lip again suppressing a whimper because Taemin was showing her his face. His red eye, wet lips, flushed cheeked face. She kept quiet.

“It is your fault” And her last string tying him to her was being sawed slowly by a dull knife. It was torturous.   

“Not for that reason though because Sulli wanted to die ….that was completely and utterly my doing. All of ours but mostly mine”

Suzy wasn’t sure what was happening because she was for sure that after he had blown up on her that he’d leave the house, not try to reassure her when he was crying. He was talking to her as he cried and Suzy couldn’t look away.

“I should have realized that she was becoming more fragile. Her parents were always away, she wasn’t practicing the piano as much and she was clinging onto me in a need for comfort. But I never saw it that way”

Each word he was saying had their own tear and they were rolling down his face. He wanted to apologize to Sulli for crying when thinking about her but it was inevitable. He couldn’t not cry. Not when he was the reason behind everything.

“What are you saying?”  

“I’m saying I was just too selfish to see that. She had told me that she loved me but I took that for granted. I never showed how much she meant to me and I lost her because of that”

And as he spoke his throat was closing, trying to stop him from breaking his heart further

“She needed me Suzy and even when she pushed me away I should have been there. Suzy, she wasn’t your responsibility. She was mine”

Taemin didn’t think he’d ever admit to it being his fault but he knew long before it was. His nightmares kept telling him that. And he really wanted to agree with Suzy, continue to yell at her that it was indeed her fault and leave it at that despite knowing it wasn’t. It would be inhuman.

“S-sulli was tired Suji. You should know that the best. She told you. If it wasn’t then it would’ve happened later.”

“You don’t understand! It wouldn’t have happened because I would have been there for her!”

She was shaking her head in anger because how dare Taemin think that Sulli was suicidal. She wasn’t and if Suzy had just kept her eye on her that night she would’ve been fine.

“She was fine! We were going to go to play the piano together. We were going to be abroad doing something we loved! We had a dream Taemin. And sh- she was going to get married, she wanted to marry you! She was supposed to have a life! She was the good one. She was the good one Taemin.”

Taemin nodded his head. She was the good one. The only good in my life. He kept surprising himself that night. “I’m sorry”

“You’re sorry?” Suzy wanted to laugh because this was beyond her imagination. Lee Taemin was saying sorry to Bae Suji but for what exactly?

“We made you feel like Sulli did right? Made you feel alone and unwanted and I’m going to hell for making Sulli feel that way, think that way about herself. And I’m going to do double time for you. Each tray of food we spilled on you, each word we spoke about you, and each ear we closed from you….Sulli doesn’t hate you Suzy, she hated how she saw herself.”

Suzy didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. “I left you that night because I couldn’t handle it. I was breaking inside because she was gone. I wasn’t in my right mindset. I couldn’t see you. I couldn’t see you hurting because I was in pain.”

He was right on that, how could he have cared for Suzy at that time when he needed to be held? It still didn’t justify his actions afterwards and he knew that. He was paying for it each day of his life.

“You have always been the strongest Suzy and I thank you for not wanting to let the other share the burden because this was you punishing yourself but can you put some of the load on my shoulders? I’m ready”

Suzy lifted her head to meet his eyes. He was still smiling at her

“I don’t trust you” And she had every reason not to. She told Jaebum but that barely made a difference in their relationship. He was still the peacemaker of the group, not willing to go as far she would have liked to make a bridge over her walls. And Hyeri…Hyeri wasn’t sure of what to do, not that Suzy could blame her, she didn’t know anything but was still willing to change her mind in time. So what made Taemin any different?

“Don’t. I’m a bastard and you should never forgive bastards. I won’t ask for it either because I don’t deserve it. Not from you and not from Sulli but I will ask for you to lesson your guilt and let me help you carry it.”

“Why?”

“She wanted me to see that she needed help. She wanted me to give her kisses and to let her know that even if I didn’t recognize my own feelings that it would be worth waiting for me. That she was worth caring about. Don’t you see Suzy? She needed me that night, not you. And I am the type of guy to not want to see things for what they are in fear of realizing they are worse than I imagined”   

He had taken her hand as her head dropped “And they are worse than my nightmares”

“You get them too?”

“Every night, which is why I am here”

She never thought he would say those next words to her. Jaebum had heard the story and Hyeri was warming up to her but neither of them said that to her and she didn’t know if she wanted it. She hasn’t forgiven him and he knew that.

“I wasn’t there for Sulli and that’s what this scar on my wrist will remind me” He took off the bracelets on his left arm allowing the pink line to breathe. To show everyone his mistake. Suzy kept her eyes locked on him as he put her hand over his wrist. 

“but I will be there for you.”   

Sulli resembled her in many ways and Taemin was Sulli’s soul mate so maybe if Taemin was there Sulli wouldn’t really be gone. She had no idea how to get better but perhaps this was a sign for her to try. To forgive herself so she can forgive others.

“I had to go to therapy”

“I know”

“I was depressed”

“So am I”

“I miss her”

“I do to”

“It’s my fault”

“Mine too”

And on that night Lee Taemin was on the same page as Bae Suji. He could finally see her.

(A/N: Awww Taeminnie realized that he was to blame for too!!! He was dying :( the poor thing. At least he knows he shouldn't be forgiven and is actually WILLING TO STAY BY HER SIDE. Like guys! *Angels Singing* The first person to do that is Taemin! OOohohoho how is the school going to react to that? the group? Crap there's still Naeun on the loose. Well until next time

 HAha i love Sica~ no but seriously guys....let me know...about the story of course ^.^ )