That night, I had told them about Krystal's visit and as expected, they were shocked as I was, but I didn't miss the disappointment in  their voices, when I told them what Amber had witnessed, before her accident. "Am I hearing it right?.. you.. you made out with Ok Taecyeon?"

I remember, that I didn't dare to defend myself. I didn't know.. I was really tired.. I was so tired, because of what was happening to me.. I was emotionally depressed. I just let them think, what they wanted to believe

I won't forget, that after the conversation between my members, all of a sudden, they treated me differently..

As if I was already a stranger to them; they didn't talk to me - they didn't dare, and I wouldn't blame them, because it was really my fault.. but during those days, I felt so sad.. alone.

While my relationship with my members were still on the rocks, I still constantly visit Amber at the hospital. Of course, without everyone's knowledge - especially her..

Every time I would go to the hospital to secretly visit Amber, I'd always see Krystal there.. every time her therapy sessions would start, I'd always find a hidden spot to watch her secretly..

even though..

Even though it pains me to see, that Krystal and Amber interact intimately, and even though Krystal was now the reason, why Amber has been smiling so brightly..

I wanted to witness Amber heal..

It doesn't took long, that my members knew the whole truth. One day at our dorm, they all confronted me, "Why didn't you tell us the truth, Jessica? Why didn't you defend yourself? Why do we need to hear the truth from Taecyeon if you can say it by yourself? Why do you always have to hurt yourself?" And like the confrontation that we had in my place, again, I didn't speak. I just let my tears fell from my eyes.

"God.. what kind of friends are we? Oh, Jessica we are really, sorry. We are very.. very sorry, that we didn't let you explain.. we're very sorry.." And then, I remember, after that, the issue was already settled..

One and a half year had passed , and things had changed in my life..

I was aware that my relationship as a sister with Krystal had changed.. I couldn't say that we were not totally talking to each other.. our relationship was already.. civil..

Other than that, my love for Amber didn't change and despite that I was already away from her, my love for her was getting stronger day by day..

"I am actually amused, that she didn't notice it, yet. Andthe unknown calls, surprisingly, she's not bothered by it."

I was relieved that after hearing it from her manager, I was happy that Amber wasn't bothered by the unknown calls and the lunch box..

All she knows that the lunch box she was kept on receiving came from a boy fan, wherein that so-called fan, would kept on asking Amber's manager to hand it directly to her..

I was already making her a lunch box and would always hand it to her manager to give it directly to Amber for a year already. My members were supportive of the idea and when the first time I asked her manager, he was kind of hesitant and suspicious, but I was glad that in the end, he agreed.

But it was different from the unknown calls that she kept on receiving for 8 months.. I'd always change my sim card whenever I would call her. I was actually surprised that she wasn't bothered by it again, but I was happy because of that.. I could always hear her voice.. and every time I'd hear her gentle voice, my heart would always beat fast..

"Oh, and the other lunch box that you kept on sending to her place. She'salso not worried by it. Actually, she is really happy.."

Aside from the lunch box that she kept on receiving through her manager, there was another lunch box that I kept on sending to her place..

I pretended as a 11 year-old girl who just transferred to Korea. I'd always stick a post-it note onto  the lunch box, and I was afraid, at first, if she would recognize my handwriting, but I was glad that she didn't notice anything.

I chose the color of my posts-it as purple blue because it is my favorite color and white and black stripes bag, because Amber was kind of addicted to it.

For a year, I had been coming to her condo secretly, just to set the lunch box in front of her door and when I would leave, I'd always get near to her door, my palm was also place on it while my eyes were closed.. I just wanted to feel her presence, for a bit..

I had been doing those for a year - religously, and I would never get tired of it..

Even though, she didn't have any idea, I just wanted her to feel at least, that I won't leave her - I was always by her side.. all the time.

                                                                                                <\><\><\><\><\><\>

Time had passed and their RPPP comeback has come to an end. During their promotion, I have been watching Amber all the time, not in a creepy way.. I just really admired Amber..

I never missed any of their interviews, news and music shows and even though I was only watching Amber on TV or sometime on my computer, I was really happy that I could see her..

I was really supportive at their comeback, actually I was like a huge fan girl and I remember when they got their first win, I was squealing like a mad woman that some of my members had to shushed me down before I kept quiet.

I wont also forget the first day, when their album released, I bought it and immediately listen on Goodbye Summer, because I heard that Amber composed it and I could say that it made me cry.. the song was just so beautiful..

I remember, I wrote  my admiration on their comeback especially on her composed song when I send the lunch box again to her place by myself..

I also remember that the day I sent her the lunch box, it was also the day, I could finally see her. "Relax, Jessica.. You're so obvious.."

Mr. Lee had called a meeting for the upcoming SMTown concert in Hong Kong and when a meeting like this would happen all the the time, all of the SM's artists must come and it means, Amber would also going to attend..

I was really nervous, and I remember that Tiffany who was beside me that moment, had to calm me down. I tried so many ways, to calm myself, but knowing Amber was going to be there.. I couldn't..

Victoria, Sulli and Luna was already there that time and I knew that Krystal, couldn't come because of her drama.

I was really fidgety, when suddenly I felt someone's presence across from me, knowing it was my Amber..

I didn't know what has gotten into me, that when I saw her, I jolted up from my seat and when our eyes met.. oh god, when our eyes met, it was already enough to made my heart beat faster and my knees go weak, even though it was just a brief eye contact..

And I was aware that she was purposely ignoring me or she really didn't want to acknowledge my presence, but even though she was doing those to me - even though, it was already hurting me, the other part of me was saying that it was my fault that I made her hate me..

The meeting ended and it was time for us to go, but before I even left at SM agency, I didn't forget to give her a call because, i was so wanted to hear her gentle voice for a bit and also, I didn't forget to meet up with Amber's manager secretly to pass the lunch box to him just to give it directly to her. "Manager nim here. Please make sure that she'll eat this. Thank you again manager nim, and sorry for bothering you always."

It all went pretty smoothly - the lunch boxes, the unknown calls. All of it.. but just after a few days, when her manager had called me to meet him, I was so shocked of what he informed me. "I didn't know how, Ms. Jessica, but earlier, Amber told me about the mysterious lunch box maker - the one at her place.. she assumes that it was Soojung who was behind it."

I already forgot if I ever said something to it, but I was really confused after I heard it from him. I mean, how did it happen that it was Soojung? "Amber caught her making a lunch box and unfortunately the bag and the post it that she kept on receiving together with the lunch box, of course was the same as you. The blackand white stripes bag and the purpleblue post it."

I was dumbfounded. How did it happen? Did my sister caught me placing the lunch box in front of Amber's door secretly? But that was impossible, before I went to her place, I made sure that no one was following me nor around me. So, how did it happen?

The news that he informed made me sad, even if I wanted to ran to Amber and tell her, that I was behind it, I couldn't. From the way she treated me at the meeting, I was so sure that she wouldn't dare talk to me.

Even though, I still wanted to, I couldn't do anything but to stop sending the lunch box to her place and it continue until I just didn't realized, that time flies so quickly, that I didn't notice it was already our SMTown concert in Hong Kong.

A day before the concert - during rehearsals, I may looked like a creep but I couldn't take my eyes off of Amber, even though she didn't notice my stares, because sometimes she was busy talking or laughing with our other labelmates or her members..

Or.. either way, she wouldn't want to look at my direction..

I'd always watch her from afar and every time she smile, automatically my lip would curve up into a smile also, and I would feel the butterflies in my stomach. And when it was time for them to rehearse their performance, I remember, I hurriedly look for a hidden spot just to watch Amber perform without her knowing. If I could tell her that she was really amazing on stage.. my Amber..

My members, sometimes, they would remind me to lessen my `behavior', because they said, I already look like a creep, but I couldn't do it - I didn't care. I couldn't help myself when Amber was just around me..

"I'm sorry to say this Jessica-unnie, but.. you already hurt hyung. What are you planning again?"

After their rehearsals, I had bought Amber her favorite bubble milk tea and clubhouse sandwich. I already notice the exhaustion on her face and her manager had told me that Amber haven't eaten anything yet, except from breakfast.

I convinced Sulli, but I think beg was the right word and I knew that she wasn't really convinced. "Please, Sulli. Just give these to her. I heard that she haven't eaten anything, yet. Please I am begging you, Sulli. I promise.. I.. I wont bother you again, but please Sulli.. give these to her. I don't want her to work with an empty stomach."

I knew from the start the she didn't want to agree, but I took the shot and didn't gave up. Amber hadn't eaten anything and I was afraid if she fainted. So I begged her until she finally gave in "I didn'tknow what is your plan, but I am going to give these to her and make sure for her to eat these."

I was relieved that she agreed and after my conversation with Sulli, I felt like a creep again as I watched Amber's face turned brightly from afar as Sulli gave her the food..

And I remember, I really felt so happy that she was eating the food, knowing it came from me..