Krystal
 

I remembered the first time my heart beats for Amber Liu. I was really scared back then. I was not just avoiding Amber, but everyone. I was scared that my little secret would be exposed right away. I tried my best to get rid of my feelings for her but then my heart won over my brain. I had to be as discreet as possible whenever she smiles at me, whenever she spoils me like a kid, or whenever she takes care of me. I had to act normal whenever she was around, because once I get busted, my relationship with her as friends would get ruined.

When f(x) was still active, I had thought that it was enough for me to be near her but at some point, there were times where I couldn't hide my feelings anymore.

For years, I hid my feelings including pain but I didn't know that these sacrifices could grant me a reward that would make me the happiest girl in the world.

"A secret? How can you say that, Soojung-ah?" Sulli's voice was so soft and small, it was like, she did not want anyone to hear our conversation.

I my lower lip. It felt somewhat dry. "I did not know but I felt that she was not telling me something. Before she left, she was like—like weird."

"Weird?" Sulli raised an eyebrow, like she was curious or something. Then she moved her head, gesturing me to continue.

"Amber was acting strange. She was always leaving somewhere then goes back late at night. Amber was like putting a barrier between us."

Our love for each other is beautiful. It is strong, especially my love towards her, that is why I couldn't help to think why did it turn out like this? For all these years, I was faithful to her. Why do I feel that some things changed?

"Don't you think hyung was just depressed? Didn't you tell me that her mom got into an accident?"

I drank a huge gulp of water. I thought I needed that for a moment. "I thought of that too. But, why does she has to leave even on her day-offs? She does not do that like ever. Amber makes sure to spend her day off with us. You know how hectic her schedule is, since you are a celebrity too, like her. And especially when Amber is stressed, she would always tell me what is bugging in her mind. Sulli, I feel that she is hiding something from me."

I could already feel my trembling hands on my lap. I tried to stop it by flexing each of my fingers. I wanted to be as calm as possible, but I just could not. I was really scared. I didn't want to think of it. The image of Amber and I breaking things off or her leaving me—I could not handle the thought just by picturing it. I felt that my heart was breaking slowly into pieces.

"When was the last time you had ?"

I was mind-blown at her question. I looked up and search for her eyes, if she was just pulling up a joke—but I saw nothing. She was plain serious. I thought for a moment, because I was contemplating if I should tell her such private matter.

What made her ask that? I sighed. I think, it’s not that bad to answer her question. She's my best friend after all. "Just the day before she acted strange." A blush crept onto my cheeks. I had to look away when I said those because I was just shy.

She hummed in response and I was starting to wonder if her question had a connection to my worries. I bit my lower lip. I actually remember something. Amber—she tends to get aggressive when she's or whenever we don't make love for days, but aggressive in a good way. Oh my, she would do me in our bedroom, bathroom, at the kitchen or even at the back seat of her car. Oh god.

I shook the thoughts off in my head. I should not be thinking those right now. All of a sudden, I feel so hot. I drank the remaining water in my glass and then sighed as the cold liquid ran through my throat.

"Don't you think you are just getting paranoid? Amber won't do anything that would hurt you, Soojung. It is not in her nature."

I kept mum and just stared at my engagement ring that Amber gave me. I wanted to believe Sulli. I really wanted to believe that what she said is true.

"I know Amber-hyung. She is a sincere person. She knows what she's doing and I think you're just overreacting, Soojung. Like what I've said, she won't do anything that would hurt you."

Honestly, my head is in a mess. I really do not know what to think right now. What if, Sulli is right?  What if I am just overreacting or being paranoid? I mean, I don't have enough evidence to prove my suspicion that Amber is hiding something from me. I sighed. I didn't even think that this skepticism can cause a big fight between us, that it might make us separate. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to leave me—I don't want us to break up. I trust Amber and I know that she loves me as much as I love her. I know that she doesn't have guts to hurt me—because I know that Amber loves me.

"Momma? Where are you?"

"I'm here in the bathroom sweetie. Wait there. I am going out."

After I had put my toothbrush in the right place, I walked out from the bathroom and saw my daughter on Amber and I's bed. She was playing with the llama stuff toy that Amber gave her last year. The corner of my lips tugged upwards as I was watched my daughter's cute antics while she is talking to the llama toy. Maybe if Amber’s here, she will definitely play along with Trish.

"What are you two talking about?" I asked and went to the bed, sitting beside her.
 

"Llamababy and I were talking about his health momma. And I think, he's in a good mood lately."
 

Every time she would mention her stuff toy, I could not help but giggle at it. I remember that she and Amber thought of that name and I must admit that it's cute. "I see. That's a good news, right baby? Your Llamababy is in a good condition."

 

Trish looked at me then pouted. Her cheeks are so pinkish and chubby that I couldn't help myself sometimes to pinch it. "Momma, Llamababy is in a good mood! I didn't say that he is in a good condition."

 

"Oh..." I trailed as I watched her remove the imaginary dusts on Llamababy. "Does that mean that he is sick?" Yes, Llamababy is a boy. Trish actually decided for that.

 

Trish whined like a cute little baby and I didn't know if she's just doing it on purpose or she was really getting frustrated. "Momma, I didn't say that too~. I just said that Llamababy is in a good mood and though I didn’t say that he is in a good condition, that doesn't mean that Llamababy is sick. Geez, momma."

 

I actually didn't think of that. Why is it that our child is so smart? Well, I'm not even complaining. I am actually proud of it. I wish that she’s really our daughter. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that we have her--that we found her in front of Amber's door and adopted her as our own, but sometimes I could not help but wish that either Amber’s blood or mine was running through her veins.

 

"Momma…" I was pulled away from my thoughts. My eyes landed on her tiny hand on my arm. "What are you thinking?"

 

A small smile crept up onto my lips. No, I will not ask for more. So what if Trish is not our real child? We will treat--love her as our own. I scooped Trish into my arms and put her onto my lap. I hugged her little body from behind as I placed a gentle kiss on her chubby cheek. "Nothing, baby. I'm just thinking about your dada and you."

 

"Dada and me? What did we do momma?" I giggled. Maybe she thought that she did something wrong that was why she looked so confused and troubled at the same time. The way her forehead creased and her eyebrows knitted--it all looked so cute. Well, everything about Trish is cute.

 

"You did nothing, baby. I just miss your dada. Do you miss dada?" And just like a bubble popped, her mood went down immediately. She is sad now. Trish nodded. "Yes, momma. I miss dada so much. She just called us a day ago but I still miss dada. I hope she comes home soon."

 

A soft sigh escaped through my lips. Trish and I were both feeling the same way. We miss Amber so much and yes, even though that she called us, the 45-minute talk was not enough. I'm still craving for her voice. I wonder what is she doing right now? It's already midnight here and I think it is past lunch in LA. I wonder if she has eaten already. I badly want to know.

 

"Don't worry, baby. Dada will come home soon. She will come back to us. She promised that. Hm~ do you want to count down the days until she gets home?" I said, lightning up the mood. Of course hearing that, it was as if all of her energy just came right away. "Then you and I must go to sleep. As of now, we still have 28 days left baby. So, what do you say?"

 

She didn't need to think about it and just nodded eagerly. She will do everything so that Amber will come home sooner and this warmed my heart. "Yes, momma! I will sleep now so that dada will be with us soon! Goodnight, momma. Sweet dreams!" With a kiss on my cheek, she ran out from our room towards her own with the toy in her hand. I smiled, "Goodnight, Trish." I said, softly. And then, my eyes trailed down onto my ring. "Goodnight, Amber."