JESSICA

 

After 4 years of not hearing about her, honestly I am not expecting anymore that I will see her again. From the moment I left Korea, I promise to myself, I must learn to accept that I had to forget everything,I left there and that is including.. her. 

 

I really didn't expect it when I saw her just... a few meters away from us---from me. I was so shocked because I really thought that I would not see her again after for so many years of not seeing each other and all of a sudden, she's already here in North Carolina. I didn't have any idea what she was doing here until Tiffany told me everything and this situation that I am facing, honestly ,I couldn't help but worry.. 

 

"Why did you tell her Tiffany? Didn't we promise to ourselves that after we left, we will not tell to anybody about our whereabouts except from my family and the girls? What happened? I thought we already talked about this?"

 

It was already evening and and I am currently here in my bedroom talking with Tiffany over Skype. The moment Albie and I were preparing to sleep--- it was 11 PM here, I have to remind, I received a message from her. That moment, I knew that she wants to tell me something important..

 

Honestly, I kind of sensed that she was the one who told Amber that I am here in North Carolina, and when she admitted it, I was frustrated, mad. I can't even understand why did she have to tell her everything? "Can you please here me out, Jess?" Even though that the reception wasn't good, I could tell to her voice that she was getting irritated. Maybe, thinking for a defense.

 

"Look.." She sighed, and  I watched her through the laptop screen that she was fixing her hair into a ponytail. "I wasn't expecting that we would see each other. I was just having my break at a coffee shop and then suddenly someone called my name--- and then bam! There was Amber."

 

"Then? Don't tell me that you told her after that?"

 

"Of course not! I didn't tell her.. yet."

 

"Yet? Wha--- What do you mean by that, Stephanie?"

 

"Could you just please relax? I know that you're getting frustrated but please listen to my story before you react? And besides, do you want to wake your son? Hm?"

 

She was right. Albie is already sleeping, he might wake up and hear our conversation..

 

"So, okay. I wasn't planning to tell her actually, but.. she caught me, Jessica."
 

When she said that, I couldn't quite understand what she meant by 'caught' actually. "Jess, she caught me. She found that I wasn't a model. She saw me entering inside the Johnson and K's here in Korea. She found out that I am just a real estate agent not a model."

 

I gulped, my throat was somewhat dry. Somehow, I could sense what she will tell next. "Then?"

 

"She confronted me. She asked my address from Taeyeon and then she went to my house and begged me.."

 

She-- Amber begged? 

 

"She begged me to tell her everything and.. I told her everything.. From the moment she thought you cheated on her, our departure and.. your pregnancy.."

 

 

I think I want to know what did Amber say after Tiffany told her everything. I.. I want to know how did she react. "Then?"

 

"She cried.. She was crying to me and was literally blaming herself for giving you a hard time. She was sorry that she treated you like a trash."

 

Again, my heart skipped a beat..

 

I didn't want to admit but, hearing that makes my heart race. I couldn't explain this overflowing emotions but all I can say, that it is too much, as if my chest would want to explode. I felt like crying but I held it in. I just don't want to cry anymore. It just that.. I shed so many tears when I left her. 

 

"Amber is willing to meet Albie, Jessica. She wants to meet him and while she is there, she wants to spend her time with him and also... with you."

 

She wants to spend her time with Albie and.. me? "H-huh?"

 

"Jessica, Amber wants to start over with you that is one of her reasons why she is there. She wants to meet Albie and of course, she wants to spend her time with you. She wants to spend her time with her family."

 

A family..

 

Her family.

 

And that is us? 

 

Albie was wishing to see his 'dad' and every time he would ask me about it, I'd always change the topic and I know, there would be a time, I couldn't avoid his questions anymore. There would be a time that I have to answer his questions about his 'dad', but am I ready to reveal the truth to him? Am I ready to introduce Amber to Albie?

 

I have so many worries that is running in my head, if ever I told Albie that his 'dad' is alive-- that his 'daddy' is currently here in North Carolina. I am afraid of the possibility of his reaction and---

 

Soojung.

 

"Does Soojung knows that Amber is here?" I asked, all of a sudden.

 

I could see through the screen that she was shifting making some body gestures that she was.. hesitating? "Tell me now, Tiffany."
 

"Uh, well.." And by the look on her face, I could say that my sister didn't have any idea.

"She didn't know.."

 

My sister doesn't know that Amber is here. Amber lied to Soojung. 

 

She lied to Soojung. She lied to my sister. Am I supposed to get mad because of that? But why can't I? Why I couldn't get mad at Amber for lying to my sister? She lied to my sister..

 

Amber lied because she wants to see both of you..

 

The back of my brain whispered to me and somehow..

 

 It made my heart melt.

 

"Jess, I know what you're thinking. Can you just please---" She sighed out of frustration. "Can you just not think about your sister for once? I mean, I know that your sister is getting married with Amber and she will have a family with Amber whom you sacrificed just for your sister. You are there in North Carolina hiding because you want your sister to be happy with Amber. You sacrificed your relationship with her because you want to fulfilled your sister's happiness instead of yours. But how about you, Jess? How about your happiness? 4 years ago, while your sister was so happy with Amber, you are there.. You are in North Carolina--suffering. Suffering because of loneliness--because of work--because of pregnancy--suffering because you were broken hearted. Can't you just think of your happiness, Jessica.. just for once? Just for Albie's sake?"

 

My tongue tied on that. I was.. speechless. I couldn't say anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't get enough sleep last night, I have to say. I couldn't close my eyes even if I wanted to. I just.. couldn't get rid what Tiffany said to me over Skype. I kept on thinking what she said to me and somehow, it tore me apart. 

 

 

It hurts, yes but what can I do? What's done is done. I can't undo the past even if I wanted to.. All I have to do is just continue my life with Albie here in North Carolina and I---

 

"Mom! We have a visitor!" I was startled of Albie's voice coming from the living room, I didn't know that I have been spacing out already. I noticed that the water is continuously running from the faucet and thought that, I might been in dazed for a few minutes. I sighed, turning off the faucet and putting down the same plate that I have been washing before removing my gloves.

 

"Okay, son!" I didn't know that we have a visitor coming. I doubt it's Seohyun, because my son would immediately tell me that it was her. I wonder who it is? Anyways, I left the kitchen and strutted towards the living room to know who is the unexpected visitor.

 

"Oh, mom! You're here! This mister is looking for you by the way.."

 

I kind of not heard of what he said, because my eyes were locked on our visitor, that was why.. But somehow Albie's face was so bright that you could already see his pearly white teeth. 

 

"A-Amber..?"

 

It was like déjà vu. H-how did she know our house?

 

"Mom? You know him?" And again, Albie's words just passed through my ears.

 

Amber? Amber. Oh, god. It is really Amber that is standing in our doorstep and my heart was racing so fast again. I couldn't utter any words, as if I was gone mute the moment I saw her, not to mention that my fingers-- my whole body is trembling. Oh god..

 

"Mom, you are shaking. Are you okay?" When I felt Albie's little hand in mine, I blinked as If, I was back again in my own world then tearing my gaze away from Amber right away. Oh my, how long did we stare at each other?  

 

"Mom~" I felt him swayed my hand, signaling that I have to focus my attention on him now, but even if I tried, my whole body is still jittery,shaky----my heart is still beating so fast and there was something bubbling inside my stomach because I could literally feel Amber's gaze on me. "Are you okay?"

 

"I-I.." Oh, god. What is happening to me? "I am okay son. Don't worry." Even my voice was not recognizable and my smile I showed to Albie is different--it is kind of forced.

 

"Mom, that guy is looking for you. He said that he was your friend!" 

 

A friend.

 

I.. Well, there was a tad twinge in my chest because of that.

 

"Mom~ are you even listening? I said.. That guy is looking for you~~" I couldn't even glance at her direction. It's like, as if, I ever looked at her in the eyes the walls that I built these past 4 year, will crumble down right away. And I won't let that happen. I hope, I can't let that happen.

 

"I-I.." I was stuttering as hell and I hate myself right now. I couldn't even construct a simple sentence and I don't like it! I was trying to get the words out from my mouth, when suddenly, my son dragged me towards the doorway and without noticing, I am already face-to-face with Amber.

 

"Jessica.." When she whispered my name, my knees are literally trembling and I was lost for a moment under her intent gaze. My heart ---it was like a butter that melted right away when the moment she said my name again.

 

"Amber.." I didn't even notice that her name also slipped through my lips, but I feel that I didn't care. I feel that, I wanted to jump on her and hug her so tight because I really miss her so much. I wanted to kiss her like there is no tomorrow. I feel like, I want to say that I really miss her so much..

 

Yes, I do now admit..

 

I still love Amber. I still love her so much and I badly miss her. These past 4 years, I have been missing her and my love for her didn't fade even a bit. Even if I tried to move-on, I couldn't because she is holding my heart even until now. I could say now that I am still in love with Amber..

 

My Amber..