A flashback

4 years ago..

The realization of my feelings started, when our first major concert ended just a few weeks later. I didn't know, but one day, I just found myself, admiring Krystal's beauty.. I mean, she's always beautiful, but for me.. for me, she's already a goddess..

I would always look forward spending time with her, because with Krystal, I felt so alive.. so happy.. or every time she would smile at me or cling on me, I felt myself blushing and the butterflies inside my stomach was making me giddy.. everything in her is special.. she was so.. so special for me..

But, after I found out my feelings for her.. I got scared..

I got scared of my feelings, not because I was afraid of what people would say to us, but her parents.. I admit, I was scared, that they would think, Krystal was just a rebound or I just used Jessica to get Krystal, but truthfully, it was not.. I did love Jessica - yes, but my feelings for Krystal was unexpected.. I didn't expect it to happen..

My feelings for Krystal only develop when Jessica and I broke up, when those times that, she was the one who took care of me; she was the one who was only by my side, when I was down.. so you could say that, this feeling was unexpected, I didn't want it to admit, but still, I couldn't deny what I was feeling..

And of course, there was still one more thing, I was afraid of..

"Amber?" I blinked, then snapped out of my thoughts. I found her smiling at me, and just realized, I was staring at her, more like admiring her beauty again.

"H-huh? W-what?" I wanted to play it cool, but my words stammered. I blushed in embarrassment and somehow, my nose suddenly became itchy.

She giggled. "Is there.. something wrong?" Why do I feel, she found it amusing, that she caught me staring at her?

I opened my mouth, at first no words slipped through my lips. "Nothing.." You are just so beautiful, I wanted to tell.

Then the next thing happened, the atmosphere changed and I just found, that we were staring intently at each other.

There was still one thing I was afraid of.. that our friendship will vanish because of my feelings.. I was afraid to lose her and lastly.. I was afraid to get hurt again.. Am I really ready?

The atmosphere in the room was just so heavy, that you couldn't hear anything, but just our heavy breaths, that it was so quiet, I could almost hear the fast beating of my heart..

I gulped, if I didn't stop my action, I might regret what will I do next, so I cleared my throat, averting my attention on the movie, that was just constantly playing on the TV.

Suddenly, I was wishing that, my three other members didn't leave us alone in the dorm. "Um.." I heard her say, and I didn't know what was gotten into me, but I sat straight, as if obeying orders to his commander. I still have my eyes on the TV. "Um.. I think.. I should go home.." She whispered.

I was surprised. I snapped my head towards her, and she was already standing up. I, also stood up. I was dumbfounded, why would she leave, all of a sudden?

"Krystal what are ---" I was about to say my apology if she was uncomfortable about the strange moment earlier, but I stopped, when I saw that her eyes were so sad.. it was so sad, that I also could feel it. I dropped my shoulders, frowning. Why are you sad, Soojung?

There was a smile on her face, but it was enough for me to recognize that it wasn't her genuine smile.. a sad smile.. I already could see the small tears on her eyes, and this made my heart twitch. "Goodnight, Amber.. I don't think I could make it tomorrow. But thank you, for inviting me to come again to Namsan Tower.. Goodbye.."

First, I felt that there were pounds of blocks that thrown directly onto my face when she changed her decision. This time, I didn't stop her to leave. I was just too confused..

I was too consumed by my thoughts, that, I didn't notice, the sound of the door, and that was when I realized that she already left..


















 

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A week after that night with Krystal, I got a feeling that she was avoiding me -- but no.. she was really avoiding me, and I knew, that was something to do with the night in our dorm.

I tried to talk to her, but she was ignoring me, and I would try to make a conversation with her, every time we were alone, but she would always walked away, before I even open my mouth. It was like.. she was treating me a stranger, and it hurts me..

In those days, I was trying so hard to think, if I really did something wrong or either way, did I offend her? But there was nothing coming inside my head -- I really couldn't remember what I did to her. "Krystal." We were alone again in the dorm and I was waiting for her to come out from her room, because she has been locking herself there for hours. Obviously, she was trying to avoid me.

She frozed. Her back was facing me. Maybe she thought, that I was also in my room, but actually, I was just in the kitchen. I walked over to her, and stopped, when I was just a few steps away from her. "Soojung." I called, again. This time it was more demanding.

She sighed, more like in defeat. "What?" She said, not turning and I was startled by the firmness of her voice.

I decided not to make a fuss. "Are you avoiding me?" I asked, and to think, I caught her off guard.

"W-what?" She stammered, but then. "Are you joking, Amber? Please, I don't have time to joke around with you.." She said, still not turning. I was actually used to hear those from my friends, but hearing it from her.. it felt like, my heart just cut into halves.

She took a step forward. "Tell me. Tell me, Soojung. What did I do to you?" And she stopped, then silence.

The silence was making my ears hurt, and then I just heard a bitter chuckle from her. Seconds later, she turned around and I immediately noticed the tears in her eyes. "Why.. why do you have to be like this, Amber?"

I actually didn't get what she was trying to say. "S-Soojung.. w-what?" I uttered softly.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. "Haay.." She dabbed her eyes, using her fingers. "Forget it. Just forget, what I just said.." Then she walked pass by me, and I guess, she will lock herself again in her room.

Frustrated, I spun around and I was right, she was heading to her room again. "Are you going to lock yourself again there? The whole day, Soojung? So that, you can avoid me? You know what -- I really don't understand you. Can't you see that, I'm so determined for you to talk to me? Despite that, you didn't give me any reasons, and you just avoided me, all of a sudden? I really don't understand it now, Soojung. Sometimes, I was thinking if you were just doing this on purpose."

As soon as I said those words, I immediately regret it. I was just so frustrated, that I wasn't thinking straight again. She slowly turned around, and I quickly notice the tears that were falling from her eyes. Oh please no, Soojung. "W-what.. did you just say?" I frowned, seeing her like this was breaking my heart.

"Krystal.. I.. I was just--" I trailed, as I stepped closer to her.

"No.. you were.. you were thinking that.. I was doing this on purpose?"

I tried to touch her arm, but she flinched back. "K-Krys.. please.."

"H-how could you.. how could you do this to me?" She said in between sobs, and I couldn't help but to tear up, also. "You didn't.. know, why.. I was like this, Amber.. y-you didn't know.."

I looked at her in the eyes and I realized, what ever I did to her, I must have been hurt her.. so bad. "After all.. why did I even fell in love with you?" She whispered, enough for her to hear it all by herself, but I caught it. The room was in complete silence, so I heard it clearly.

I looked at her, shocked. "You.. you love me?"

She must have been surprised to hear it from me. Her weeping just stopped and she looked at me, wide eyes. "H-huh?" She said.

Once I already registered in my head, what she just said, I relaxed, staring back at her. Suddenly, my heart rate increased. I stepped closer, and instinctively, she stepped back, until her back was against the wall. "You said.. you fell in love with me.."

Her face, neck and ear were so red. I just found it cute, but it wasn't the right time to say it. I wanted to hear it from her lips, again. "I-I don't understand.. I don't understand what you are saying.." She tried to escape, but I blocked her by putting my hands on either side of her head.

Now that I was certain, that she was also feeling the same way, I decided not to let it slipped away from my hands. I leaned my face closer to hers, that the distance was just barely an inch. Her sharp intake of air was audible, and I felt her palm on my chest, not pushing me away, but clenching my shirt tightly. Both of our breaths were heavy, and I couldn't help but to stare at her lips. Unconsciously, I wetted my lower lip. "Soojung.. please.. say it again.."

The fast pounding of my heart was drumming loudly against my ears, and I also could feel her chest that was also pounding so hard, when our bodies pressed closer. Her palm on my chest moved to cup my cheek, and other was resting on my side. Her thumb was gently caressing my cheek, as tears fell from her eyes. Smiling, she said, breathlessly, "I love you, Amber.."

The way she said those three words.. I could also feel it, and it was enough for me. I leaned forward and kissed her, and she kissed me back without thinking twice. From sweet and passionate, the kiss turned into a hungry one and I could already taste the bitterness of her tears..

And I know , after this.. I'm going to surrender my heart again.. to love..