Kris finished his meeting earlier that day. He walk to the underground parking, greets his colleagues and saying goodbye. He put his black leather suitcase to the passenger seat. He sighed, releasing his tiredness while untying his plaid blue cotton tie.

He put his right hand to the steering wheel, while his left hand tapping his mobile screen reading the text he received an hour earlier from Luhan who wants to be picked up on the certain address. What did happen to his car? He thought.

He drives his car to the location that Luhan texted. He parks his car and takes a look around, looking for nearby bubble tea shop. He pushes the glass door, looking around inside the shop, searching for Luhan.

“He is eating at the restaurant across the street” The voice behind him startled him. It is Sehun’s.

“Oh, I’ll just wait for him here. What happened to his car?”

Sehun didn’t answer. He simply shrugged his shoulder. Sehun continue to clear the table while Kris takes a seat near the entrance.

“Uhm-can I ask you about something?” Kris awkwardly smiling at Sehun; he is still trying to be nice to him after all this time.

“Is this about Tao?” Sehun looking at him with his judging eyes, feeling annoyed.

“Y-yes”

“You should have listened to my advice, look what happened.”

“I’m sorry-for being so stubborn”

“I didn’t support both of you to be together. But let me make this clear for you, stop being so selfish”

“Selfish? What are you talking about? I even didn’t contact him anymore”

“Yes, that’s the part where you are being so selfish, you dumb” Sehun scoffed, moving quickly back to the cashier counter.

Kris is pissed hearing those words. What the hell. He sacrifices his own feeling towards Tao and then his roommate came and judging him like he is some kind of selfish bastard. He immediately trailing Sehun behind and standing in front of the counter.

“Excuse me?” He glares at him with anger; waiting for Sehun’ explanation. He forgot his for being nice to Sehun.

Sehun keeps his silence. Rolling his eyes and continues to do his job.

“Do you know what I’ve been through?” Kris asked him one more time, trying to explain himself, trying to get the correction for Sehun point of view after his judgement towards him.

Sehun chuckle sarcastically, “and do you even know what Tao’s been through these past few days?”

Kris swallowed the imaginary lump down his throat. Run out of words. Of course he knows how sad and upset Tao because of his decision leaving things unexplained, but that’s the best thing to do, right? Or maybe he is right, am I being too selfish?

“Actually I want to punch you in your beautiful face, I really do, but I don’t want Tao to be angry with me because of that, but I hope my words could slap you harder than the “not-going-to-happen” slap in your cheek” Sehun continue, looking at Kris with his death glare, he is too angry to control his temper. Yes, he is tired watching Tao crying almost every day, and every night. He misses his old roommate who is happy and cheerful.

“Stop being so selfish, you didn’t take my advice, that’s ok. But you should finish what you have started! Give him some explanation, stop running away from this, or God, I wish I could punch you this moment! Stop being a coward!” Sehun pushing Kris shoulder with his right hand, luckily the counter between them making the push a little bit softer than he intended to.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Luhan running through the glass door, standing between Sehun and Kris, who are separated by the counter but still, he can feel the tension.

“Just go home, take him back to his perfect life” Sehun sneering at Kris

Kris has lost his patience dealing with Sehun, he pushes Luhan chest and he grabs Sehun’s collar “What is your problem?!” He yells at Sehun’s face

Luhan tries to separate them, trying to be the neutral party between them. He didn’t want to choose one of them; they are both equally important in his life.  “Stop it, you two!!”

Kris removes his grip at Sehun’s collar, pushing away Luhan that he didn’t really meant and walking away to the parking area. Luhan look confusedly at Sehun, asking for an explanation.

“Selfish bastard” Sehun murmurs

“No, don’t think like that Sehun. You don’t know how hard it is for him too”

“Just go” He turn his face, didn’t wanna see Luhan’s face. He is too angry to deal with this any longer. Luhan sighed and leave him there, he decided to deal with Kris first, Sehun will be OK.

He sits on the passenger seat. Kris resting his forehead on the steering wheel. Luhan put his hand on Kris shoulder, slightly squeeze it. “Hey, what’s going on? I’m sorry to ask this, I know you have a lot of pressure right now”

Kris rubs his forehead, lifting up his head and resting it on his seat. “Sehun is right, Lu”

“About what?”

“I am a selfish bastard”

“No, you are not. He’s just a little bit angry because of Tao. Don’t take it seriously, let me drive”

They both exchanged their seat and leaving the parking area, going back to their apartment. They keep their silence.

Kris walking slowly to his room, laying his body on his bed. He took a couple of deep breathe, hoping that the ache inside his heart will disappear. But it didn’t. Luhan stand in front of his room door, thinking about what he is going to say to his friend.

“Are you okay?”

“Should I meet him, Lu? I mean to explain everything. For the last time”

“Yeah, you should, that’s what I’ve talking about before, remember?”

“But I don’t want to say goodbye to him, I don’t think I can handle it”

“Stop running away from this, Kris. I’m sorry, but I agree with Sehun in this. Doing it or not, you both still going to hurt anyway, but at least you told him the truth”

“No, I don’t want to run away from this either, it’s just-I think I’m in love with him”

“Yes, I know, Kris. Tell him everything, I can’t guarantee the result of all of this, but, at least you release the burden in your heart”

“The main reason I didn’t want to face him is that, I’m afraid of the rejection or hateful thought that I might hear from his mouth”

“You’ll be okay, you will be busy with your life, your company, don’t thinking too hard about this”

Kris took a deep breath, “Okay” he sighed

He is having trouble sleeping that night, just like any other night since that day. He is thinking about the possibilities that might happen tomorrow. What will happen to him if Tao refuse to meet him?

He waits in his car. He has been staring at his mobile screen for fifteen minutes now, gathering his guts to finally hit the send button. Is it even possible to miss someone with all the pain in your heart that ready to explodes?

He finally hits the send button. Tao, who is sitting in his class, drown into his own reverie. Still feeling empty. There’s nothing that can make him happy right now. Just emptiness every day.

He feels his mobile is vibrating inside his pocket. He slide his finger and checking on it. His eyes widened, does not believing what he saw, Kris texting him.

From: Kris Gege

[Tao, can you meet me at the tree near the basketball court? Right now?]

He smiles, the first genuine smile after all these days. He excuses himself and run towards the corridor, heading to the basketball court. Kris is not there yet, he sits under the tree. There’s no one playing basket that morning, it’s too early. He close his eyes, take a deep breath enjoying the morning fresh air, listening to the breeze shaking the foliage and caressing his check, he finally going to meet his gege again, he really miss him so damn much.

Kris is walking slowly across the basketball court only a couple of steps away from the figure under the tree. But he didn’t realize his present. Not yet. Then he stops, having a second thought. Should he really doing this? What about his promise to Amber? Damn. Leaving Tao sitting there alone waiting for him is like the worst action that he can do to Tao.  His body didn’t agree with his brain. He turns his back, ready to walk away from the scene.

“Ge..” Tao whispers, opening his eyes, looking at Kris’ back who are walking slowly away from him.

He can’t hold his anger, and also his tears “Why are you doing this? What is the matter with you? You texted me to come here and you want to leave me now without any words?!” Tao shout, walking slowly approaching him, he stopped, only a few steps behind Kris, who are slowly turning his body back.

“Tao..”

“Why do you hate me so much? What have I done to you?” Tao sobs, he didn’t care about his tears anymore, and he didn’t want to hold back. He can’t handle the pain anymore.

“No, it’s not like that” Kris moves closer a few steps, making their distance shorter.

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feeling” Tao cries harder, he puts his forearm on his cheeks, trying to brush off the tears away from it.

“God, Tao. Please don’t cry” Kris want to move closer to him, but he hesitates.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Damn it, this is so hard for me too, Tao”

“Do you even miss me, Ge?” all the words coming through Tao’s mouth flowing without him even try to think, this is all what he wants to say all this time.

“I am, I just-God, I can’t do this, I’m sorry Tao, I don’t hate you, not at all” Kris take a few step back and turn his body and start to walk, he can’t handle this, this is too painful.

Tao ran after him, crashing his chest against Kris’ back. Hugging him from behind. “Don’t you ever dare leaving me again, Ge”

Kris can feel his shirt getting wet because of Tao’s hot tears absorbed on it. He can feel Tao’s heart beating fast on his back. Tao’s hand grips tightly to his shirt in front of his stomach. He grabs Tao’s hand, turn his back around and hug him back.

“Do you miss me, Ge?”

“YES, every second and every day” Kris hug him tightly, didn’t intend to release him anytime soon. How he wishes the time stop and he could enjoy this moment forever. He took a small peck into Tao’s head, cupping both of his hand into Tao’s cheek. Damn how can he manage to look cute even after this puffy and teary eyes and red nose?

“I’m sorry I yelled at you that night, I didn’t mean to”

“That’s ok, stop crying, will you?” He caresses Tao’s hair, how he misses his shampoo smell and his soft hair.

Tao releases his hug, looking at Kris with his bleary eyes.

“I’m sorry, Ge. For not telling you about my relationship with Amber this whole time”

The words coming from Tao’s mouth is like an arrow that pierced his brain and made ​​him realize that everything is too good to be true. Of course he can’t have Tao. Tao has a girlfriend for God’s sakes. How stupid of him thinking that the pain will go away and this little hug will end all the problems that he should face later on.

“The truth is, I came here to talk about that, Tao”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry for ignoring you all these time, I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, It’s just that, you know that I like you more than just a friend, and I’ve talk to Amber about this too”

“Ambi knew about this?!” Tao widened his puffy eyes, yet Kris still managed to brush away Tao’s tears from his cheek.

“Yeah, of course. She has the right to know, she is your girlfriend after all, Tao. She didn’t want me to hurt you, so I’d better stay away from you”

“She told you to do that?!”

“No, Tao. It’s my own decision”

“Why can’t we stay together like before, Ge? Why!”

“Because it will hurt both of us eventually, and also Amber”

“But it is hurt too right now, why Ge? Can you explain it to me? Why is it hurt so much just to think about you leaving me”

Kris kept his silence. He didn’t dare to ask the question. The question that he really wanted to know, but scared for what Tao might answer at the same time. Do you love Amber, Tao? Is the question that has been the thorn in his flesh.

“I’m afraid of losing you, Ge” Tao hug him softly, listening carefully to Kris’ heartbeat.

“Sorry, Tao. I can’t do this. The more I try the more I hurt, you will be hurt too, and also Amber. I don’t want to be selfish, I wish I have my own ego right now, But I can’t do this. You have to understand, I didn’t mad at you at all.” Kris grab of Tao’s shoulder, looking him in the eyes, trying to explain everything, the thing that he should have done a couple of days ago, letting go something that he never have, sacrifice his feelings, once again.

“Why are you telling me this, you don’t want to see me again, Ge?”

“I wish I could, Tao. Listen to me; I don’t want to be the reason for other’s relationship to get into trouble”

“Can I call you at night, Text you, everything that I could to stay in touch with you, Ge. Please.”

“Tao, didn’t you understand? You don’t want to hurt Amber, right?”

“Why is that have anything to do with you and me keeping contact, Ge? Why?”

Kris closes his eyes, trying to think for a better explanation. But he got nothing.

“Respect the commitment you have with Amber, Tao, I didn’t want to disturb you any longer, it hurts for me too, but I can’t move on with my life, and you can’t leave Amber because you want to be friends with me, that’s nonsense, you have to trust Amber and me on this, okay?” Kris releases their hug, trying to keep the distance in a safe space. He took a deep breath, looking at Tao’s face this close, maybe for the last time. Tao start crying again, keeping their eye contact for God knows how long like the time has stopped. Everything moves slowly.

Kris take a small peck into Tao’s forehead before saying the goodbye, the painful goodbye “I’m sorry, Tao. You know I’ll never forget about you. Take care of yourself, will you? You are always be something special in my heart. Be happy with your life, okay?”

He caressed Tao’s cheeks with his both hands, trying to brush off the tears that are coming down from Tao’s beautiful eyes. It hurts so much seeing him cry like this. But this needs to be done. Now or never.

He might not be the most important person in the world for Tao, but Tao is surely the most beautiful creature he ever met. It’s beyond his imagination meeting someone wonderful like Tao, he never regrets it.

He started to walk away from Tao. Smiling at him for the last time. Trying to compose himself, keeping his smile craving his face instead of letting the tears coming down from his eyes.

I love you, Tao. I love you once, I love you still, I always have, and I always will. He keeps the three words for himself. Keeping his promise to himself. That he never gonna love someone that deep again.

If I told you, would it change anything?

Would you see me differently?

Would you be mine?

Would you even care?

If I said you broke my heart, how would you reply?

You ripped out my heart, you don’t realize it.

I only have myself to blame.

For thinking that we could ever be more than friends.

OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME :(

I want to write fluffy things why it always turns out to be sad :|

My hands seriously fu*kin teasing me.