Luhan wakes up in the morning, impatiently waiting for the sun to come up, he wants to meet Sehun so bad. He wants to hug him, saying that he misses him all this time. Maybe Luhan has athazagoraphobia, the fear of being forgotten, especially by Sehun.

He said goodbye to his parents, driving back to his apartment. He dropped by the delivery packages center, taking his packages, Tao’s Gucci bag, since the mail center calling him to pick up his packages last night. He finally parked his car to his apartment parking lot.

The apartment is surprisingly quiet that morning, Kris is still sleeping. Not like the usual.  He knocked at Kris’ room door, Kris immediately answering him softly. He turns the dork knob, peeking at Kris who is trying to sleep? Or even not sleeping at all? Sitting on his bed, doing nothing, He is in such a mess condition.

“Lu? What are you doing back so early?” Kris looking at Luhan, can’t hide his tired eyes

“Having trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah, what are you doing back so soon? What happened to your mom’s birthday?”

Luhan told him about Sehun. “I want to meet him, Kris, I can’t wait any longer”

Kris slightly smile, he really wants to sleep, but he can’t, he couldn’t close his eyes without thinking about Tao, and all his pain coming back aching like hell.

“So, do you want to give Tao’s bag yourself?” Luhan asking him without knowing what is happening to his roommate, Luhan is a little bit of ignorant sometimes, well, most of the time. He noticed nothing.

“I can’t do that, sorry”

“Why?”

“I promised to him and his girlfriend to stay away from him”

“HIS GIRLFRIEND?” Luhan’s eyes widened, not believing what he just had heard.

“Yeah” Kris forced himself to smile, although the truth is, it hurts trying to prevent his mouth saying Tao’s name.

“Oh, my God. I’m sorry to hear that, Kris. Come on, you are handsome, there’s lots of guys out there, it’s not that hard to find the better replacement”

“He is not property, Luhan! Stop saying like he is just a things, he means a lot to me”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant it like that, you know that, sorry for being so straightforward”

“He is just normal guy; I’m so stupid this whole time”

“Now you are giving up on him completely?”

“What should I do? HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Don’t you hear me clearly the first time?”

“He obviously likes you too”

“Shut up, you speak nonsense, just leave me alone” Kris scratching his head trying to control his confusion

“Fine, just try to sleep while I’m gone. You look like a mess”

“Could you please go to his apartment, checking up on him for me?”

“Sure, I’ll hand this bag over his place, and check on him, just give me their apartment’s room number”

Luhan went to Sehun’s apartment, can’t stop smiling, he really wants to meet Sehun. What is happening with him? Did he stop thinking about him? All the thoughts running through his mind, he wants to ask him thousands of questions. He is on his way towards the lobby of their apartment, when he hears familiar sound behind him.

“What are you doing here?” Sehun asked him. Luhan turn his back around, looking at Sehun who are wearing a black coat, holding a food package.

Luhan smiles widely, running to Sehun’s side, crashing his body to Sehun’s. Hugging him tightly, dropping the package he bought on the concrete floor. Sehun gasped, still standing there, frozen. Don’t even know what is happening and what to do about it.

“I miss you so much, Hunnie”

Sehun’s eyes widened, his childhood name, the one that he hasn’t heard for years. He could feel his heart stop beating. Luhan continue to hug him, tighter than before. Luhan’s hair brushing sehun’s nose, he can even smell his minty fragrance shampoo.

“What are you talking about, let go of me” Sehun awkwardly taking a step back, making a small space between them. He can see Luhan’s eyes glistening, his beautiful doe eyes. With the happiest smile just like he usually saw everyday in his childhood.

“Stop it, Hunnie! I know it’s you! Look what I brought..” Luhan reached into his pocket taking out a green things in his hand “Remember this?”

Oh sure I remember it, Sehun thought. I remember it every day. It’s surprising to know that Luhan still keeping it. His stupid handmade bracelet, its broken now, he can see it. But why taking so long to realized that he is the same Sehun as his childhood friend Sehun?

Sehun can’t think straightly, he tries to walk away from Luhan but Luhan get a grip on his wrist. “Wait, why are you doing this to me, Hunnie? It’s me, Luhan. Your best friend, don’t you remember me? Stop doing this to me; I know you do remember me, what is happening to you? Why you changed so much?”

“You asked too much questions, sorry but I have to go”

“NO! You will not going anywhere until you answer me! Stop being an , Hunnie!”

Sehun lost his temper, hearing all those words coming from Luhan’s mouth. “You should talk to yourself, have you seen yourself lately, Luhan? Me? Being an ? Then what about you?”

“Wha-“

“I have to deliver this food to Tao, he’s sick; I don’t have time for all this ”

“I’ll wait for you, here, until you finally talk to me”

“Suit yourself”

“This is Tao’s, give this to him” He handing over the package that he dropped on the floor. Sehun didn’t ask about it, just taking it and walk away from him without even turning back.

Sehun prepares the food on their dinner table, took a quick glance at the windows, looking at Luhan who are still sitting on the curb in their apartment parking lot, doing nothing. He sighed, that guy, is the most stubborn guy he ever met in his life. Still hasn’t changed so much, that stubborn side of his. He can feel the heaviness remained in his chest for a long time and occasionally he felt like something was piercing him where his heart was supposed to be. Every time he sees that face of Luhan, he felt that pain constantly. He wish he could control the pain, and forget about everything that happened in the past, accepting Luhan completely. He thought shoving Luhan away from his life would make him feel better but it didn’t. As a matter of fact it was probably worse because he felt like he needed to fix things but couldn’t.

He remember how he struggle to forget Luhan and using all his might to move on, the memories coming back to him, all of his suffering, all his sense of despair, as if he was going crazy, all this time waiting for Luhan. That lost feeling would overcome him and he would walk and walk to nowhere in particular, away from Luhan, forever. There’s the time where he would stand on the pier of the beach and wished he would be swallowed up by the ocean, and gone forever. Yes, his teenager life is not as happy as Luhan’s. Dealing with all of financial problem and heartbroken everyday is surely the greatest thing that happened to Sehun, in a bad way. His devastation was great as he often felt like he was a part of a wasteland. The misery overtook him. He wanted to talk to no one and wanted to hear no voices. Music was like noise to him and food tastes like powder. Every waking moment was a misery knowing that he walks alone, and every sleeping moment was a nightmare. There was no life or passion in whatever he did. His misery became anger, and the anger became pain again. Then the pain made his numb and he stayed in that numb state for a few years. Until he met Tao, he finally try to welcome people in his life, trying to regain his self-consciousness, gaining his spirit to build up his life, that his life shouldn’t be ended up without even trying to make it valuable.

He didn’t want to welcome Luhan in his life again, not anymore. Is there any assurance that the guy will never leave him again? Should I open my heart for him? Did he know all of my despair? My pain? Is it wrong to be afraid? I’ve tried so hard to regain my soul back to my body, trying to take control of my mind and my soul, why is he coming back?

Tao cleared his throat, walking slowly with his puffy eyes, keeping his eyes locked to Sehun who are obviously drowning in his own daydreaming, still holding a bowl, frozen. His eyes are lifeless.

Sehun back to the reality, knowing that Tao trying to wake him up from his reverie. “I bought you food, oh and there’s a package for you”

He pointed at the brown packaged on the couch, Tao opens it, looking at his Gucci bag, the one that he wanted and search for many months. He wishes he is happy, but he couldn’t.

“Who deliver this? Luhan? Kris?”

“How do you know about Luhan?” Sehun gasped knowing that Tao forget to mention that he knows Luhan all this time

“Er-Kris introduce him to me, actually he is his roommate”

“Did he buy that for you?” Sehun dropped the spoon way to hard on the plate, making a high clanking sound

“Umh, No. I asked him to find it for me”

Luckily Sehun trust him easily, well not completely. He didn’t want to force Tao in that situation either, this is not the best moment to confront him, he talks to himself.

“Where is he now, Sehunna?” He asked him with his husky voice, rubbing his puffy eyes, sitting down next to Sehun on the dinner table.

“Waiting, below”

“What? Waiting for what?”

“Me..”

“Oh my God, Sehunna. Why are you doing this for him? If you don’t like him just say it, he’ll probably gonna leave you alone after that” Tao gets up from his seat, taking a peek at their apartment windows, he can see clearly Luhan sitting on the curb behind their curtain. He didn’t actually believe in telling people what they should or shouldn’t do with their life, and that every person needs to make their own decisions for themselves.

“Maybe, I don’t know, I will, just eat, you need to regain your energy” He pulls up Tao’s wrist, asking him to sit down, didn’t want to make Tao worry about him.

-----

Luhan trying to sit calmly on the most uncomfortable seat on earth he ever sits. The concrete curb is surely a pain in his , literally. But he didn’t want to take back his words; he will wait for Sehun, here, until he decided to talk to him, and explains everything that happened to both of them, just the two of them.

He never feels this kind of loneliness, there’s sudden emptiness inside him, separated from the world. A very intense deprivation and deep pain. Sehun’s rejection finally touching him in the deepest part of his heart. What did he do that making Sehun changed? Does he hate him that much?

He feels so stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. He go from sad to angry to not caring back to sad and then annoyed, and goes back again to feel upset. He thought he had a genuine connection with Sehun. They could talk about everything in the world right now, giggling and sitting close next to each other, why is it so hard? He being so unrealistic that wants to wait for Sehun, until he changed his mind, and coming right down from his apartment and talk to him.

It’s like having a devil and an angel in his shoulder. He looks at the angel, telling him that Sehun really does want to be with him but the timing is just off. If he just waits for him, he will eventually come around and he will be together with Sehun. He look at the devil, telling him to get the hell out of there, stop wasting his time for someone who obviously forgetting completely about him.

Maybe he should stop waiting for something that may not even happen simply because he could end up waiting around for nothing.

He is staring on the paving blocks below him, the whole thought about the situation between him and Sehun ruining his mood. He saw a pair of long legs standing in front of him wrapped with black jeans. He looks up, and there he was, standing in front of him, Sehun.

“You’re back!” He immediately gets up

“You are still here”

“I keep my promise”

Sehun scoffed. Your promise? Right. He chuckled in sarcasm, rolling his eyes.

“What is it?”

Sehun shook his head, looking at Luhan’s eyes, the eyes he misses so much like would staring at it for the rest of his life. “What do you want?”

“I want us the be like we used to, Hunnie..”

“I can’t”

“Why?”

“Can we talk somewhere else? And promise me you will leave me alone after this?”

“I don’t want to promise you such thing; I’ll never leave you, ever, again, for the second time”

“You didn’t own me, Luhan”

“We share our childhood together, Hunnie, did you just, forget about all of that?”

“I wish I could” Sehun turn his back around, start walking away from Luhan, putting both of his hand in his pocket, he stopped and take a look back at Luhan, tilting his head, gesturing for Luhan to come with him “Are you coming?”

Luhan trailing him silently, following him back to his apartment. The small and not so fancy apartment he’s been living this whole time. He surely can afford living in the city, why living here? Tao comes from rich family too he can see that clearly, but why? He saw Sehun’s back moving left to right while he’s walking. His coat is shabby and old, covering his skinny shoulder, why would Sehun suffer like this? What happened to his family?

“Enjoy my palace” Sehun opens the door, waiting for Luhan who are awkwardly avoid his gaze, looking around when he stepping into his apartment. He saw Tao sitting on the dinner table on their living room, eating without any appetite and turning his back, smiling at him weakly. His eyes are puffy, like he’s been crying all night long.

 “Should I leave you two here? Or do you want to talk inside your room, Sehunna?”

“Just eat, Tao.” Sehun walks towards his room, Luhan following him while looking around looking at everything that he can capture for the short moment.

He waits until Luhan enters his room and close the door softly. Luhan take a good look at everything inside Sehun’s room. His bed, his brown old teak two door wardrobe, his study table, lots of book piles up on it, there’s not even one single fancy thing he found there, just a simple college student room more like a dorm.

“There’s nothing to look here, Luhan. What are you looking for?” Sehun folded both of his hands in front of his body, leaning his body against his study table, looking at Luhan attentively.

“You wanna talk? Let’s talk, let’s just-end all of this” Sehun continue to talk while Luhan is still amazed with all the things inside his room.

Luhan cleared his throat, sitting down on Sehun’s bed, a few steps away from Sehun. “I don’t want to end any of these, Hunnie, we can fix this”

“What to fix? You don’t even know what the problem is, am I right?”

“Then tell me!”  

Tao turned his head to the source of the sound, Sehun’s room. He sighed, he didn’t want to hear any of this, this is not his problem, and it would be rude to eavesdropping like this. He took his apartment key and walking towards to his campus.

He sits under the tree, his favorite tree, because it has carving the sweet memories between him and Kris. He watched some people playing basketball, but his mind is travelling too far away from the realty. Thinking about all the good time he has with Kris. He can’t hold his tears, he is crying, the pain is too devastating for him.

 “Then tell me!” Luhan shout, losing his temper with Sehun’s entire act, he acted like he didn’t care at all about Luhan.

“What should I tell you?”

“Everything, what is happening to you? Why you’ve changed so much? And the top of it, why are you hating me this much? What did I do?” Luhan breathes heavily, he didn’t care about his emotion anymore, and he is so angry with Sehun right now, angry with himself too.

Sehun turned his gaze away from Luhan’s face, looking at his room windows like there’s something very interesting outside.

“Did you ever miss me, Hunnie?”

Every day in my life since you left me, Sehun quickly answer, in his mind, trying to control his mouth that should never comes up with those words. He didn’t want to answer any of that, he didn’t want to show his pain, to anybody, not even Luhan, the one who hurt him the most.

“Did you just think that, all of our childhood memories are nothing, Hun?”

“It’s just memories, stop making a big deal out of it” He keeps denying himself, trying to look tough while inside he is broken into pieces, he is already well-trained for this. He trained himself to endure all the pain, this should be easy. He thought

“Will you ever stop acting like this? Acting like nothing is matter to you anymore” Luhan gets up, walking slowly towards Sehun. He stops his step right in front of him. Sehun gave Luhan his cold stare. They both staring at each other for a moments, both of them are surely in pain. Luhan unable to hold his hot tears which are starting to leak in his eyes, making his eyes glistening, screaming silently in pain.

Luhan bracing up himself, grabbing Sehun’s hand, holding it tight “Hunnie, this is me, it’s ok, I’m never going to leave you again, I promise”

“You didn’t kept your promise the last time I heard of it, why should I trust you this time?”

“What do you mean?”

Sehun grits his teeth, releasing his arm from Luhan’s grip. “You never kept your promise; do you even know how long I’ve been waiting for you? Your single ing letter? Years of my misery, being so naïve to think that you would sending me the letter, saying that you still remember me, thinking about our time playing together in our favorite secret place, saying that you are missing me as much as I do”

Luhan gasped, he didn’t know that his single letter that he never been able to wrote could broke Sehun’s heart like this. It’s a stupid of him to finally realize his mistake.

“I-I’m sorry..I’ll make up for all my mistakes in the past, I promise you, and I’ll do anything to fix it, Hunnie”

“I forgive you, a long time ago”

“Let’s start a new beginning, Hunnie, you and me”

“No”

“Why?”

“It’s easier to forgive, but, to trust again is the hardest”

“I’m not going anywhere this time, I’ll never leave your side, hell, we can live together, right now”

Sehun chuckled in sarcasm, moving away from Luhan towards his room door, holding his doorknob and turning his head for his final sentence “You don’t understand, do you? Yes, I’ve changed, but you haven’t, Luhan”

He wishes that life would be easier, that his heart would be easy to accept Luhan, It’s not the same at all. He can’t welcome Luhan back to his life, It’s not going to change the fact that his one sided love will never go away from him if Luhan keeps coming to his life.

Luhan haven’t changed so much, he still the stubborn kid he met in his childhood, he still thinking that life is easy, that money can get him anything, that problems can be solved with all of his money. How do you trust someone like that? He would risk his hard, his whole life to finally accepting Luhan, but what if someday he met someone he loves? Can I bear it? He surely wasn’t strong enough to experience his world turning upside down, once again. Nope. His heart is too damaged to even bear it one more time.

“Give me some time to prove it to you, I’ll change for you” Luhan finally speaks up, following Sehun who are standing in front of their room door apartment, asking Luhan to leave.

“You should change because of your own decision, not because someone wants you to”

“I don’t care, you can ask me anything you want, I’ll do it, just give me time to prove it”

“Our talk is over”

Luhan has no other option he follows Sehun’s pointed finger outside his apartment.

“Hunnie?” He stopped, turning his back to see Sehun who are still standing there holding the doorknob

“What now?”

“I never give up on you, you know that right? Not years ago, not now, I’ll reach for you” Luhan smile bitterly walking away from Sehun, leaving him devastated.