I could remember my childhood like it was yesterday. The pain I felt when I left the boy I like. Yes, a boy. We were just a teenager back then, and yet we liked each other. I miss him, remembering him sometimes.

7 years ago, as I remember my past, I could feel it, like I was there again. I was sitting all alone near the pond in the park near my home. I would always go there when I’m sad. I felt something else, something strange because someone else is here. When I looked up, it was a boy, with a beautiful caramel brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He stared at me intently with a little shock lingering at his eyes.

“What are you doing here? Why are you crying?” It was his first-two question that I can hear it clearly. I didn’t have the guts to answer. Instead, I cried more and more.

I didn’t notice he was there, sitting beside me. “Hey, I’m sorry I scared you. I’m Zhou, what’s your name?” He said

“I’m Amber, but I prefer to be called as Ambi” I said, my voice broke.

“I’m sorry I scared you, Ambi”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Mind telling why you’re crying?” He asked.

I just sat still. Actually I’m not in the mood to talk. And why this kid even cares about my problem.  “Sorry I shouldn’t ask” He said later.

His attitude was quite mature for his age. Like a big brother I always wanted. Long story short, I caught off guard, I told him everything. Why I was crying and how I wanted to run away from my life. He was at my age, seventeen years old, and surprisingly matures enough to understand my problems and help me deal with it calmly.

-----

I told him I just lost my only best friend, name Yi Zi, because of my stupidity it cost her life. We were a little bit drunk; we went to some party every weekend, running away from our homes, walking slowly behind our parents back just to go to some silly parties. She didn’t want to go back that night, she is making out with his boyfriend, but it is already late and I didn’t want to risk our secret get caught by our parents and getting too stinky because of the cigarettes smoke and alcohol. I told them I went for group study to Yi Zi’s house and she told her parent the same thing.

I grab her hand, forcing her to go home with me. She is a little bit angry at me, because she still wants to spend her time with her new boyfriend. I succeeds forcing her to go home with me, along with our two other friends. She finally gave up trying to get angry at me and finally soften once we reach out for our friend car. We laugh uncontrollably, must be because of the alcohol. We jokes about everything that happened that night, it’s like we have our own world and didn’t care about the problem that most people face every day in their life.

We are floating. That’s what it felt like. Something was wrong. I kept trying to open my eyes, I couldn’t tell. AH! I suddenly became aware of burning; an ache covered my body which I felt suspended in sure surreal hell. I opened my eyes, my body feels hot, and it way too bright for me to see. My ears rang with a reverberating thunder

“Oh my God, oh my God!” I tried to scream but I just release soft whispers, knowing that our car is crashing. I shook Yi Zi’s body, she is fainted. Her face covered with blood. My head is dizzy.

A voice, distorted, but audible screamed, I struggle to move my body, electrifying pain coursed through me. There were glasses everywhere. I force myself but I was overwhelmed with agonizing pain. “Ambi” I heard someone yell. I tried to look at the source of the voice. I can’t see anything, because of the dizziness it was like the world is turning upside down.

I tried to shake Yi Zi who is sitting beside me, trying to shake her harder, but my legs stuck and it hurts so much when I try to pull it off.

“Yi Zi!!! WAKE UP!!” I force myself to scream at her, trying to waking her up, she didn’t move an inch.

“Help us! Please help us!!” I heard the voices getting louder. Someone grabs my shoulder, trying to pull me out from the car. My head hit the ground, and then everything went dark. So dark. I lost my conscious. Oh how much I wish to stay like that forever. I didn’t intend to wake up. Not after I realized I lost my best friend that night.

I woke up two days after that night, finding my body lying on the white bed, looking at my mom who is crying happily seeing me finally open my eyes.

“Yi Zi...” her name is the first that came out through my mouth

Suddenly my mom’s expression changed; from happy to the saddest expression I ever saw from her. “Where is Yi zi?” I asked her one more time

“I’m sorry, dear” She cried, kissing my forehead, I can feel her tears dropping to my forehead.

“Where is Yi Zi?” I asked her one more time

She is looking at me, shaking her head. She didn’t reply after that. The doctor came into my room and checking for my pulse and others medical check-up on me. I realized that I’m in the hospital right now. I tried to remember everything, then the car crashes image sliding into my mind. I remember the burning fire, the screaming, and unconscious Yi Zi, with a lot of blood in her face. No it can’t be. I need to see her, I want to see her.

I force my body to get up, but all I feel is excruciating pain all over my body. The doctor grabbing my shoulder, forcing me to stay still on the bed, I try to release his grabs on my body,
I struggle so hard I can feel the surgical seam in my left arm flowing lots of blood. I can see the white bandages turning into red. The doctor gave me sedative injection and I lost my conscious.

Two days after that, I finally back to my common sense; my best friend is gone forever. I’m standing there, beside her gravestone, wiping my tears over and over again seems like it will never ever going to stop. I watch her family cries over her. It’s all my fault. I thought.

I didn’t move an inch, everyone is leaving. I didn’t want to leave Yi Zi alone, not like this. She is alone, lying down there, without any friends. This is all my fault.

I heard sobbing sound behind me. He sat there, Yi Zi’s little brother. Zi Tao. He hides his face on his hand, crying under the tree. I walk towards him. I sit next to him. He looks at me, and then he hugs me. I cry along with him.

“Ambi, where did she go?”

“To heaven, Tao” I can’t stop my tears rolling down my cheeks, I feel guilty, so guilty. It will never happen if I didn’t force to go home. If only I’m not that selfish that night.

“No one will protect me from the bullies anymore, she’s gone”

“No, Tao. I’ll protect you; I’ll be right beside you from now on, I’m so sorry for everything”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

That’s the promise that I keep to present. Just a simple promise that I’m still keeping my promise to Tao. My Taozi. Even it is so exhausting to deal with him at first, because he is too spoiled and dependent. But I like and treat him as my own brother.

-----

Since that day, Zhou and I would always come there every day. Sharing what our day was and everything we want to say and do. I would always rest my head at his shoulder. We would sit like two small lovebirds. We spent my birthday together. There I received my first kiss but he is not even my boyfriend. We like each other, but I can’t have a boyfriend right now. I have to be there for Taozi. My Taozi. He needs me.  He’s depending on me. He’s just a lost child who needs guidance. I don’t want to upset him by going with my boyfriend, being selfish to myself. I was the one who took his sister from him. I should take all the blame. I can’t have my happiness, not yet, I am going to make sure he’ll find his first, and then I’ll be happy to let him go.

Zhou upset because I didn’t give him clear answer. I didn’t reject him directly. I just said that I can’t be in a relationship right now. If he wants to wait, then maybe everything is possible. But he didn’t want to wait. He said that life is too precious to wait for something that he was not even sure going to happen.

He gave me my first kiss and also my first broken heart. I always remember him even maybe he has a girlfriend right now, I don’t know, It’s just that I’ve moved on from my past life. But still,
I can’t let go of My Taozi.

-----

Here we are, at the present time. Amber is living perfectly in that moment. She has a really good paid job; she has lots of friends, guys and girls. She has a boyfriend, the one that she treasure so much. Everything is perfectly in place. No worries, no troubles, just ordinary day every day until she finally finds out that Kris likes his boyfriend.

She starts to worry every day, worrying that she might lose her lovely boyfriend. She surely forgets about all the guilt that driven her mad in the past. She forgets how to let go Tao once he is ready, once he is grown up and able to live by himself. It’s not love, more like a possessive feels that she kept inside. She didn’t want to share Tao to any other people in the world.

She didn’t want to let go of him. She thought it would be better if she keeps her promise, living with Tao happily ever after, without any troubles. She likes her comfort zone.

The fact that Kris likes her boyfriend is like a thunder striking to her chest. Maybe she is jealous. She thought about Tao and Kris’ interaction a couple times, she can see it clearly that Tao is happy when he is around Kris.

One side she wants to keep Tao as her treasure forever, didn’t want to lose him, but the other side of her, thinking that it is the time to decide whether to let go of him or not.

Are you sure you want to live for the rest of your life with Tao? Yeah he is a great guy, maybe a great future husband for me too, but sometimes you miss Zhou kinda person who can give you warmness when you need it.

Could I welcome what I’m feeling?

Could I let it go?

Would I let it go?

When?

No. There are lots of bastards living out there; the best chance to get a perfect guy is staying together with Tao. Besides, Tao might be in love with her for real. Even though he never mentions that, he surely has some trouble expressing his feeling towards everything.

He is the cutest and most adorable guy that I’ve ever met in my life. I didn’t want to lose him. Nope. Not even a second.

Maybe sometimes I need a guy who can comfort me, and give me the security. But Tao is still growing up; he will stop acting with his immatureness phase later.

What about your promise? Letting him go after he is stopping being so dependant?

No maybe I completely forget about my promise, and I’m sure Taozi never mind about it at all. I don’t wanna lose him. Thinking about losing someone, again in your life, for the second time, I don’t think I can handle it. Keeping him by my side is also making me closer to Yi Zi. And No, I’ll never let him go.

My Taozi. My Treasure.

Just a short update

Amber's POV