“Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her…”

Dad always said that it’s not a word that makes a man but what he did will determine his value. Like the saying goes, action speaks louder than words. No matter how much I said, one simple act was more meaningful. And with that thought, I packed all my clothes and my belongings including all my pictures and left the house. It’s like I never existed. A clean break. Although, there’s only one thing I couldn’t bring along.

My daughter.

I kissed her goodbye and after a few minutes staring at her beautiful face, I dragged my legs with tears pouring down my face. My mangled heart shattered in my every thread that I took.

I dropped by to my house to say my farewell to my family and picked up a few things. I don’t know how long I’ll be away, so I needed to be well prepared. Mom sensed something’s wrong with me and I couldn’t lie to her, so reluctantly, I told her the truth.

And she cried.

I told her that I’m fine and everything will be okay, but I knew, I’m not fooling anyone, especially her. She knew me too much. And she knew, I’m anything but fine.

So, I left her with a promise to call her often and kept her updated with my news and I’ll be back. Soon. And I told her to take a good care of Chaerin and Ha Yi and treated them as nothing happened. As if I was still there. As if we’re not broken up.

And after that, I left Seoul for New York.

I was back to my old apartment in Brooklyn and I felt empty. I’d spent two months roaming the bars and strip club just to fill the hollow in my heart, but after all I’ve done, the emptiness was still there. A hole in my heart that seemed incurable, unfixable. And I left with a broken heart. The wound was still fresh and it’s still hurt every time I breathe.

Unsatisfied with the same old scenery of New York, I moved to Japan and I bought an apartment in Tokyo. I threw away all my communication devices and I was off the radar. I withdrew all my money from my private account and kept my credit cards at home. I don’t want them to trace my expenditure, and knowing Jiyong, he’ll do anything just to find me.

I don’t want to be found. I’m not ready to face anyone.

I stopped calling everyone including my mother because I knew; as long as I kept hugging the past, I could never fully embrace the future. Because every time I heard her soothing voice, my heart took a leap and I had to fight with the urge to come home.

While I was in a club, a man suddenly came up to me and offered me to show a new world. The world with no worries and sorrow. Intrigued by his fantasy world, I took some pills he gave me and for a week, I could feel that all my troubles had vanished. I was happy and I don’t care about anything anymore. The ecstasy kept me high and I was having euphoric delusions. A happy dream instead of nightmares.

Addicted to the piece of heaven, I’ve became his regular customer. And I lost a lot of money. I started gambling to earn some money for the pills. I’ve never been a good gambler and I lost a lot more than I could make.

Totally broke and drunk, I walked through the dark alley to my apartment. A lot of people were hanging by the back street of the red brick building-hookers, beggars, pleading to give them some money but I didn’t care less. I have my own troubles to worry.

But suddenly, a man came with a wicked grin. He caught my arms from the back and another man came by with a knife in his hand. He wore the same wicked smile and I felt fear creeping into my heart. He started to roam his hands inside my clothes and he found my wallet, stuck in my jacket. He pulled out my only money but he’s still unsatisfied. He frowned darkly and he demanded more, swaying his sharp knife that shone brightly under the moonlight. I asked him to take me to a bank and I would give him the money just to spare my life. But they wouldn’t listen. And finally his eyes caught something on my fingers and the grin came back on his face.

He pulled out my hand from my back and tried to snatch my wedding ring but i jerked my arm back. I yelled to him, saying that he could take anything but that and I’m willing to give them all my money. I fought them hard for it. Threw a few weak punches but they dodged it well and I just blew the empty air. They were laughing at me. And the memory of my childhood resurfaced. I felt disgusted. Pathetic.

Fuelled with wrath, I lurched to the man and strangled his neck. The knife flopped to the ground.

Shocked by the sudden assault, the other man took out a gun from his pocket and a gunshot thundered. My precious ring had been slipped away from my finger and I heard rushed footsteps sounded fainter and fainter.

I fell on the hard cold asphalt, and the sharp pain started. 

My mouth felt dry and my throat was coarse. And like the end of a movie, everything went