~*~

Chapter VII

“Don’t be sad, smile instead.  Everything’s going to be okay.”

11월 14일

There was a loud chatter from behind the screen hiding them from the press.  Myungsoo’s heart was racing and his palms were slipping with sweat.  He felt calmer as Sungyeol pressed comfortingly against his shoulder, the other members’ protective presence around him.

It’s been three weeks since he had collasped on stage.  Their CEO, Lee Jungyeop, had given no official statement to the press, just giving them enough information to reassure the fans that Myungsoo was okay, but rumors were still spreading around the Inspirits like wild fire.  He had checked online for a little while, most of the rumors were that he had overworked himself for the comeback and collasped of exhaustion.  Myungsoo wished that it was simple like that.

Finally, today, they were having a press conference.  Jungyeop, their managers and Infinite had a big debate whether to let Myungsoo to come too.  Eventually, somehow, he was coming along too.

When he had told Infinite his diagnosis, the others had been stunned.  None of them thought that they would lose each other for a long time, at least until their contract ended and they tried not to think about that too much. 

Myungsoo yawned again and Sungjong looked at him concerned.  He waved off his friend before he asked the inevitable ‘are you okay?’ that always followed any action he did.

 “I’m fine,” he muttered between another yawn.

“Are you ready to go?” Hyoan asked.  “Stick to what we agreed on, okay?”

All of them nodded seriously, all of them tenser then they had ever been.  Dongwoo lead the way onto the podium, Hoya followed with Sungjong behind him.  Sunggyu smiled at Myungsoo before heading out.

Myungsoo paused before following, knowing that this step would change everything.  Once he left this spot, once he got onto the stage, there was no turning back.  In a few minutes, all of the Inspirits, the whole nation, the whole world, would know his fate.

Sungyeol picked up on his pause and put his hand on his shoudler.

“Come on, let’s go,” he whispered.  Myungsoo smiled gratefully at him and followed Sunggyu onto the stage, Sungyeol and Woohyun behind him.

Myungsoo was greeted by the usual flashes of cameras.  He smiled and bowed like usual, but there was nothing usual about this, nothing at all.

The plan was to keep the conference as normal as possible and keep away from Myungsoo’s collaspe for as long as possible but that would nearly be impossible.

“Annyeonghaseyo!  We are Infinite!” they all chorused at once.  They stood there patiently, smiling, as the photographers snapped many pictures of them.

Finally they sat down and started the conference.

Like always, they introduced themselves one by one.

“Hello, I’m Dongwoo, in charge of the raps.”

“I’m Infinite’s dance machine, Hoya.”

“I’m the maknae, Sungjong.”

“I’m the leader, Sunggyu.”

“I’m Infinite’s visual, L.”

“Hello, I’m Lee Sungyeol.”

“I’m Woohyun, the vocalist.”  Woohyun made sure to add some hearts after that, making the fans in the crowd squeal in delight.

Then they took the first question.

“Your last stage, L collasped in the song,” one reporter called out.  “Do you have any statement towards what happened?”

Myungsoo felt all the gazes in the room shift to him.  He hesitated, his hand shook as he tried to answer or to make up a excuse to move on, but nothing came out.

“Why don’t we come back to that later?” Sunggyu suggested, saving Myungsoo quickly.  “We have other things to talk about.”

The crowd muttered and Myungsoo could practially feel the theories cooking in the room.  They moved on from that question even though every few questions would be about Myungsoo.  The others sidestepped the question, saving Myungsoo as he still couldn’t find his voice. 

A little while later, Sunggyu leaned over and whispered in his ear.  “We can’t stall any longer, are you ready?”

He nodded slowly, taking a deep breath slowly.  “Okay.”

“L, can you give any comment to your condition on stage?  Many Inspirits are very worried for your health.”

Myungsoo swallowed.  “First of all, to all the Inspirits, thank you for your concern.  I’m grateful to know that you’re there to worry about us,” he said, a smile starting to form on his lips.  “Second, please don’t worry about me.  I’ll be alright.”

Sungyeol squeezed his thigh comfortingly under the table.  Myungsoo took a deep breath, ready to admit to the world what his destiny was.  He opened his mouth to force the words out of his mouth, but he couldn’t.

Myungsoo bit his lip and looked down.  Was there any way that he could get the words out into the air and look eye to eye with the Inspirits again?  

“Myungsoo,” Sunggyu whispered, gently turning Myungsoo’s head away from the audience, protecting him with his warm shoulder so that he could compose himself.  “Are you…”

He shook his head and rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes, trying to get rid of the stinging feeling in them.  “I can do this, hyung.  I have to do this.”

“I’m sorry for the delay,” Dongwoo was saying, covering for Myungsoo’s pause.  “This news… is hard for all of us.”

It was hard for all of them, it was even harder to work up the courage to admit to the fact that he might be dying.  He needed to tell them though, he couldn’t look at himself if he let one of the other members or one of the official reps let the world know that he was diagnosed with cancer, he needed to say it himself.

Myungsoo looked up and met the eyes that were waiting for him expectantly.

“I… I… I was…”  He squeezed his hands in his lap as if that would squeeze the answer out of him.  “When I collasped on stage, they took me to the hospital and took a few tests.

“One of those test came back positive.”  He took a breath and squeezed his eyes shut.  The next few words came out in a rush, knowing that every word that he uttered was forever recorded and that there was no turning back now, he needed to embrace his future, even if he didn’t want it.  

“I was diagnosed with lung cancer.”

The silence after his statement was deafening.

The uproar after that was suffocating, there were reporters yelling and fans screaming and Myungsoo didn’t think that he had ever heard a louder scream before.

Sunggyu had to yell through the microphone to be heard.  “Please, calm down.  L’s going through chemotherapy and soon things will be back to normal.”

The crowd finally quieted down after a few long minutes, but there was still a more than occasional sob or call from the crowd.

“What are the odds?” a reporter yelled out.                   

“It all depends,” Myungsoo said quietly.  “I can be fine after a few months of chemo, but it could go differently.”

“What’s going to happen to Infinite if you’re gone?”

Sungyeol squeezed Myungsoo’s leg too hard.  Sunggyu’s jaw tightened as he held back an answer that was no suitable for a idol or anyone in front of a large crowd for that matter, but Myungsoo knew that Sunggyu was capable of answering the reporter like that.  Woohyun looked like he wanted to jump out at the reporter and strangle him, Dongwoo even placing a gentle hand on the back of his neck to prevent him from jumping him.  Sungjong’s eyes glinted dangerously, a look that usually meant that the person on the receiving end was pretty much dead, and Hoya had a even ier face then Myungsoo had ever seen him wear.  Myungsoo looked down, not wanting to answer the reporter’s question.

If you’re gone…

If you die.

“We haven’t talked about it,” Hoya said firmly with much more control than Myungsoo had thought that he would have.  “We are sure that L will come back soon, as good as new and you won’t be able to tell he was gone.”

“L is strong, he will be fine,” Sungjong said, his voice filled with conviction and pride, the fire in his eyes gone as he spoke although Myungsoo could see it boiling under his skin.  “If I know my hyungs, L will be fine.”

Myungsoo smiled, thankful for their answers, and looked down, hoping that the conference would soon be over.  The next few questions passed in a blur and soon, the last question was being asked.  “Do you have anything you want to say to the Inspirits?”

“Thank you for your support in the past few weeks, we’re sorry that we left you in the dark for so long,” Dongwoo said.

“Please support our new album, Down the Road,” Hoya said.  “Listen to it while you’re waiting for us.  Thank you.”

“Please be patient with us while L is recovering,” Sungjong stated. “We will see you soon.”

“We’ll be going on a break until further notice,” Sungyeol said. “Sorry for the dissappointment.  It won’t be too long though.  Not 8 months like the last time!  I’m not loosing any more hair!”

“Please keep on supporting us while we are on hiatus,” Sunggyu said. “We will be keeping in touch too.”

“Inspirits!  I love you!”  Woohyun grinned and threw a few hearts. “Inspirit, Infinite fighting!”

Myungsoo grinned.  A little bit more tension was eased off his shoulders as he finally said the words that were binding him to his destiny and taking him a little farther away from the Inspirits and his old life with each word he said and step he took.

He looked over at the crowd of fans behind the press and smiled again.  They would be with him as long as it took for him to get back up to his feet, no matter how long that took, the Inspirits would always follow him and support him.

“Inspirits, please support me while I’m going through this.  I’m really gratefull that I have all of you.”  He paused and tried to hold back the tears in his eyes.  He didn’t want to cry in front of the Inspirits, he didn’t want to cry at all, but he definitely didn’t want to see them or his family cry.

Myungsoo took a slow breath and let it out before saying his final words, trying not to feel like this was his farewell to his old life. 

“Don’t be sad, smile instead.  Everything’s going to be okay.”

~*~

12월 2일

Myungsoo sat on the edge of his bed.  Today, he was alone.  He had been planning to take full opportunity of the solitude, but now he was there, he had nothing to do.

The last few weeks had rushed past him in a number of treatments, medications and appointments.  He felt like about half of his life in the past week was sleeping, if he wasn’t getting some treatment. 

Myungsoo picked up his heavy DSLR camera, maybe he would go out to his old neighbourhood and take a few pictures. 

His camera was his symbol of dreams.  The camera had traveled the world with him, from Seoul to Los Angeles, to Paris, to Dubai.  It had seen him through his dream of seeing the world and brought with it the dreams and wishes that he carried around the globe.  His fingers flicked through the pictures nearly automatically, smiling as he saw the pictures that he had took before everything happened.  There were pictures of all of his dreams and all of Infinite’s dreams too.

He sighed, he was going to have to leave all of those dreams behind him as he started on his next journey.  A sudden sense of bitterness and sadness swept over him.

On impulse, he switched the settings to video.  He set his camera on a tripod and sat in front of it.  Myungsoo pressed record.

“Hello,” he said to the camera.  “My name is L…” He paused, slightly before continuing again.  “My name is Kim Myungsoo.  Today is December the 2^nd.  It has been a bit more than three weeks since I was diagnosed with lung cancer.”

Myungsoo swallowed.  What should he say?  This was his last word that he was ever going to say to the world if he left, what should he say?  He rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs before continuing.  “I’m… sorry.  I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to leave.”

Myungsoo tried his best to smile.  If this was the last things he could leave to who ever was watching the video, what should he say? 

When he started the video, he wanted it to be for the Inspirits, automatically saying L instead of Myungsoo at first, but as he started talking, he wanted say something to everyone that he knew.  He wanted to tell his family that he loved them still, he wanted to tell the Inspirits that he was so thankful to have them, he wanted to thank his friends for everything that they did for him. 

He took a deep breath and looked at the camera, the camera that gave him his dreams, the camera that was a part of him that would live on even if he died. 

“If I die… when I’m gone, I have two things that I want you to do…” 

~*~

3개월 후 (3 months later)

Myungsoo opened his eyes.  Someone was leaning over him.  A beautiful someone.

Was that person there to take him away?  Was this his angel?

He reached out to touch it…

~*~

12월 5일

Hoya followed Sungjong into Myungsoo’s hospital room.  Myungsoo was back in the hospital for a day or so for chemo.  Sungjong and Hoya, with nothing else to do all day, was visiting Myungsoo in the hospital.  As they entered Myungsoo’s room, there was nobody in the bed.

“Myungsoo-hyung?” Sungjong called, looking around the small room.

“In here…” a small voice called out.

Hoya jumped as the voice came from behin him, he back tracked a few steps and looked into small bathroom on the side.  “Myungsoo, are you okay?”

Myungsoo was kneeling on the floor next to the toliet, his head hanging low and his face pinched and grey.  His breathing was heavy and Hoya could see the vomit staining his chin.

“Myungsoo-hyung, are you okay?” Sungjong asked again as he stopped into the bathroom and patted his shoulder.

He nodded slowly, his hands gripping tightly onto the edge of the bowl.  “The chemo… it makes me feel…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he vomited again.

Sungjong hooked his hands under Myungsoo’s arms, patting his back again.  Sungjong hated how much the treatment wasted away Myungsoo’s body.  Before all of the treatment had started, Myungsoo was a healthy and strong young man, but now, Sungjong felt like he was just looking at a shadow that used to be Myungsoo.  After a few more painful reatches, Myungsoo went limp in Sungjong’s arms, completely drained.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he accepted a cup of water from Hoya to wash out his mouth.

“Don’t be,” Sungjong said quietly as Hoya flushed the toilet.  “Can you get up?”

Instead of replying, Myungsoo pulled himself off the floor, gripping the sink tightly.  Hoya quickly grabbed Myungsoo’s arm as he wobbled dangerously. 

“I’m okay,” Myungsoo insisted as he wobbled again.  Sungjong and Hoya exchanged a look and Sungjong slipped under Myungsoo’s other arm.  Myungsoo didn’t complain as Hoya and Sungjong lead him to the bed.   

“Feeling okay now?” Hoya asked again as they settled him into the bed.

Myungsoo smiled faintly. “Yes, thank you.”

“Is there any news about the cancer?” Sungjong asked cautiously, knowing that still Myungsoo didn't like talking about his diagnosis.

Myungsoo shook his head, his eyes fixed on the blanket under his fingers. “I… the doctor was saying that it might… be… take a little longer than he thought for the cancer to… you know.”

Hoya patted Myungsoo’s leg through the blanket.  “Don’t worry.  We’re going to be with you all the way.”

Myungsoo smiled at him.  “Thanks, hyung,” he said, his eyes dropping slowly.  “I think… I think I’m going to rest now…”

“Okay, rest well, hyung,” Sungjong whispered.  “We’ll be here when you wake up.”

The smile was still on Myungsoo’s face as he drifted off to sleep.

Since Myungsoo was diagnosed, more and more often he would retreat into his ‘L’ personality; quiet and stoic.  Sungjong knew that many times it wasn’t by choice, most of the time it was because he was tired as the treatment drained all his energy.  The other some of the time was because he didn’t want to talk to anyone as he was still trying to figure out where he was.  Sungjong could see that a lot of the time, Myungsoo was just lost, just plain lost.  Sometimes, he would stare out the window, and not respond to anyone until he was finally ready.

Myugsoo’s appearance had changed too.  His hair that used to be dark and thick was now thin and limp, and occasionally, Sungjong would see a grey hair in the midst of the dark hairs.  Myungsoo’s hair was always an uphill battle for his stylists and him in the morning, but now, it was nearly straight without having to try.  His sharp, black eyes were now fogged with fatigue frequently when ever they were open when he wasn’t resting.  

He lost weight too.  For Infinite and the entertainment industry, losing weight was a usual thing.  Plenty of times before, they had gone on diets or skipped meals preparing for comebacks, concerts and shows.  All of them had complained at times that they were really hungry, but couldn’t eat because of a diet.  In their trainee days, when they were being ‘whipped into shape’, they would all take turns to go out to store and eat a snack.  More than once, they were yelled at for eating secretly, but still, they were hungry and young so they kept on trying to sneak in snacks.  Even now that they debuted and they established their name in the industry, they needed to keep an eye on their weight.  Sungyeol was always trying to loose weight even though Sungjong knew that there was hardly any more fat that he could lose except for on his checks, but Sungjong really liked them, which he had told Sungyeol.  Sungyeol had only shook his head and insisted that he needed to get rid of them.  Woohyun had strange periods when he insisted that he needed to loose some weight, cutting back what little food he had.  Even when he wasn’t trying, he kept a very close eye on the calories and fat that he was consuming.  Before comebacks were the worse for everyone, while practicing, they could all hear each other’s stomachs growl which didn’t help their own stomachs. 

Loosing weight was totally normal for them, but never before had one of them lost so much weight so rapidly or complained that they couldn’t eat at all.  Myungsoo was always famous for the one who ate a lot, carrying around kimchi in his bags and snacking a lot.  Now, Myungsoo would hardly eat and as a result, along with the treatments, he was thin and pale, sometimes Sungjong was worried that a wind would blow him away.

All of the cancer, chemo and different treatments had taken toll on Myungsoo’s body.

Everything about Myungsoo had changed.

~*~

2개월 후 (2 months later)

It was a nice day in early February.  Woohyun looked over his shoulder from his place by the window as someone knocked on the door.  Sunggyu stood in the door, holding out his jacket.

“Come on, Woohyun-ah.  Let’s go out.”

Woohyun sighed and looked out the window again.  “That bird’s nest there always brings the same family of birds each year,” he said quietly. “Myungsoo really liked them.”

“And?” Sunggyu asked.

“They’re back,” Woohyun smiled.  “There’s eggs in the nest again.  Always coming back…”

“It’s not just the birds, is it?”

“He’s not coming back…”

~*~

12월 13일

It was the middle of December.  Christmas was just around the corner and Infinite, minus Myungsoo, was getting ready for the Gayo Daejun’s, leaving little free time. 

Sungyeol arrived at the hospital to check up on Myungsoo.  All of them did that, nearly every day too.  Each of them wanted to see Myungsoo, no matter how many times he would protest to ‘go waste their time with something useful’, they would always return and spend time as Myungsoo went through his treatment.  Sungyeol knew that Myungsoo really enjoyed talking to them without having to worry about a schedule or a camera around and they felt the same way.

Sungyeol turned the corner to Myungsoo’s room and nearly crashed into someone coming from the opposite direction.

“Sorry,” they both apologized at the same time.

The other recognized him first.  “Oh, Sungyeol-hyung.”

Sungyeol grinned as he recognized him.  “Hey, Moonsoo.”

It was Moonsoo, Myungsoo’s brother.  Moonsoo reminded Sungyeol of Daeyeol, his own brother.  Myungsoo was very close to his brother, many times that Sungyeol would visit him, Myungsoo and Moonsoo would be sitting together, laughing about something stupid.  It was pretty obvious to anyone that Myungsoo frequently blackmailed Moonsoo into helping him to go outside or to go to the cafeteria.  No one ever stopped them because everyone knew that Myungsoo needed that free time and if he was smiling, there was no way that they were going to stop him.

“I’m glad that I crashed into you,” Moonsoo said.  “It’s about hyung…”

“Is Myungsoo okay?” Sungyeol asked, panicking.

Moonsoo nodded and waved his hand apologetically.  “He just got some big news today and isn’t handling it very well.”

“What?  What news?  How not well?”

“He made me promise not to tell you what the news is,” Moonsoo said. “He’s sulking in his room, not talking to anyone.”

Sungyeol nodded slowly.  “But he’s okay right now, right?”

“Yes… well, maybe, I can’t tell.  Like I said, he’s not talking to anyone.”

“Maybe I can change that.”

Moonsoo smiled, a smile similar to Myungsoo’s.  “That would be great.  I need to go for a class and Umma and Abeoji are at home, you’re alone with Mr. Grummy Pants.”

Sungyeol snorted.  “I’ll certainly have fun,” he said.  “Have fun at your class.”

Moonsoo nodded.  “See you later, hyung,” he said, waving as he hurried away.

“Myungsoo?” Sungyeol called as he reached Myungsoo’s door.  “It’s me, Sungyeol.  Can I come in?”

There was no answer.  Sungyeol nudged the door open slightly so that he could look in.  “Myungsoo-yah?”

Myungsoo was lying on his bed, his back facing the door and he still didn’t answer as Sungyeol closed the door behind him.

“Hey,” Sungyeol walked over to the bed.  “Are you okay today?  Moonsoo told me that-”

“Oh yeah?  What did he tell you?” Myungsoo muttered, finally speaking up.

“He was just saying that you’re refusing to talk to anyone, maybe I can be an exception?” Sungyeol pried.

“No.” Myungsoo yanked the blankets higher to hide himself.  “I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

“Please,” Sungyeol said, pleadingly.  “Can’t you just say something about it?”

“No.”

Sungyeol hesitated, trying to find something to say.  He and Myungsoo were the closest in Infinite, they were best friends and he knew that a lot of the fans thought that they were a real couple.  Even though they were best friends, he still couldn’t find the right words to help Myungsoo.  

“Please leave.”

Sungyeol blinked.  “What?”

“Please leave,” Myungsoo said, his voice muffled by the blankets.  “Leave, now, I want to be alone.”

“No, I’m going to stay here,” Sungyeol said stubornly.

“Leave!  Please!” Myungsoo yelled.  “I don’t know how much I have to live, so if I ask you to leave, could you just leave?  Is it too much for a dying person to ask?”

Sungyeol sat there stunned.  Myungsoo hadn’t spoken in this negitive way before, he always skipped over the fact that he was dying, he always refered to it as ‘his long hiatus’ and when he did, he never failed to give the others a little bit more hope.

The silence stretched on for longer and Sungyeol realized that Myungsoo had fallen asleep.

He sat back in his chair, thinking of what Myungsoo had just told him.

For many years, Infinite had been together.  They knew when someone was too tired to carry on, if the member was cranky because of lack of sleep or food, why two of them had an argument and weren’t making up yet.  They practiced for intense hours and knew each other like they knew themselves.

So when Myungsoo shifted in the bed, Sungyeol knew he was awake despite the fact that he was still pretending to be asleep.

“Myungsoo,” Sungyeol said softly. “I’m sorry that I didn’t leave.  I don’t want to leave the way you asked me too.  You were asking me to leave right?  Not the room, but also from you life.  Well I don’t want to leave you, I’m staying right by your side.  All of us are.

“When you said you were a dying person, is that true?  Are you dying right now?  I don’t want you to die, Myungsoo.  The first words out of your mouth when you were diagnosed with cancer was ‘I don’t want to die.’  Do you still not want to die?  Because we still don’t want you to die.

“It’s going to be tough without you, Myungsoo.  Please don’t push us away while we still have you.”

Myungsoo let out a shaky breath and opened his eyes, his dark eyes searching for something.  “I still don’t want to die,” he whispered.  “I don’t want to die.  It’s so hard to think… that in… in six months, I won’t have you.  You won’t have me.”

“Myungsoo…” Sungyeol breathed.

“The doctors told me this morning.”  Myungsoo looked at Sungyeol, his eyes filled with pain.  “I’m not going to live.  I only have 7 months to live.” 

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