Forever Shine with the Stars
Down the Road
~*~
Chapter XVII
Forever shine with the stars
4월 4일
Myungsoo swung his legs idly as his brother played with his hands beside him on the bench in the hospital garden.
“Moonsoo?” he asked, rubbing Moonsoo’s shoulders.
His brother looked up at him. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” Myungsoo asked.
Moonsoo patted Myungsoo’s knee. “Yeah, I am, hyung. You?”
Myungsoo nodded. “I’m good.”
They sat in silence for a little while, just watching people pass by their bench. They used to do that, sit on the front door step in silence as they watched people pass their house.
“Moonsoo…” Myungsoo said quietly. “Sorry.”
“Sorry? Sorry for what?”
He patted Moonsoo’s head absent mindedly. “I’m sorry for anything that I did wrong to you when I was your brother. If I ever hurt you, if I pushed you and never apologized, if I ever ignored you and hurt you, if I ever did anything wrong to you, I’m sorry.”
Moonsoo smiled and allowed Myungsoo to pet his hair. “You never hurt me, Myungsoo. You don’t need to apologize.”
He smiled sadly, gently pushing Moonsoo as a friendly punch. “I think I do. If anything, I’m sorry that I’m going to miss everything in the future. When you get married, I won’t be able to be your best man. When you get kids, I won’t be there to be a uncle for them. If Abeoji and Umma die before us, I won’t be there to comfort you. I’m going to miss a lot and I’m sorry.”
Moonsoo ducked his head. “Myungsoo. Don’t apologize. It’s nothing you can control anyways. You already did so much for me when I was younger that it doesn’t matter. Even if you do go, I know you’re going to be there for my wedding, you’re going to be an uncle to my kids. It’s okay.”
Myungsoo smiled sadly. “Still, I’m sorry.”
He smiled back and hugged him gently. “Myungsoo, you’re just my brother. You aren’t Superman, as much you made me believe that you were when you were younger and how do make some people believe it now too. Maybe L is Superman but you got to let Myungsoo be human.
“It means seeing your flaws, letting yourself go, being imperfect…
“That even includes dying.”
Myungsoo closed his eyes and hugged his brother back. “Thank you Moonsoo,” he whispered.
The brothers sat in the park together, quietly, just enjoying having each other.
Because soon, maybe, they wouldn’t have each other.
~*~
4월 7일
Myungsoo was sitting in a chair by the window, his knees up to his chest, watching fluffy white clouds drift by above him. A little bird perched on the window sill and started singing.
He sighed and tried his best to listen to the bird’s song above the noises of the hospital. Still, the piece of glass between them caged Myungsoo away from the birds.
March had quickly left as quickly as it had come. They had celebrated Hoya’s birthday with a dinner that Myungsoo was unable to attend, but still, they came to visit and they laughed together as if there was nothing wrong. Now, it was April, bringing spring with it. The warm days were starting to come and flowers were starting to bloom in the hospital garden outside of Myungsoo’s window. As the spring started, the birds started to sing again. Now they were singing outside of the window, but Myungsoo couldn’t hear the song. He was the caged bird that couldn’t sing, the one that couldn’t hear the songs around him.
He closed his eyes and rested his head on his arms, wishing that he could hear the song outside. The door opened and soft footsteps stopped behind him.
“Hey, Myungsoo.” It was Sunggyu.
Myungsoo looked up and smiled before turning his gaze back to the window.
“Feeling okay today?”
Myungsoo sighed. He had so many answers for that question. None of which he said aloud but he had the feeling that Sunggyu knew what he was thinking.
After a long pause, Myungsoo looked up. Sunggyu was no longer there.
He sighed again and returned his gaze to the clouds outside. He closed his eyes and let the sun soak into his skin. Myungsoo tried to place himself outside of the window, in the cool air, the sun warming the earth, but still cool with the last whipers of winter biting in the air. The sounds of the city calling to him through the air, along with the sounds of nature.
A warm hand, warmer than the sunrays on his skin, landed on his shoulder. Myungsoo lifted his head up in surprise. Sunggyu was standing behind him again, his eyes warm as the sun.
“Come on, Myungsoo. Stand up,” he said softly.
“What?”
“Come on.” Sunggyu made a gesture with his hand to reiterate his words. “Stand up, we’re going for a walk.”
Myungsoo stood up, untangling himself from the his IV line. Sunggyu put his arm around his shoulder and lead him down the hall, pulling the IV stand with him. The way that Sunggyu handled the IV line, made Myungsoo feel like it wasn’t there and they were just walking somewhere like they did before.
“Where are we going?” Myungsoo asked.
“For a walk,” Sunggyu said. “It’s nothing special, but I think you would like this.”
They climbed a few sets of stairs, Sunggyu helping him with his IV stand. Finally when they reached the end of the stairs, Sunggyu pushed open the door and held it open for him.
Myungsoo stepped over the door frame and looked around. They were standing on the top of the roof of the hospital. Myungsoo looked around in amazment, the blue sky above him seemed like it stretched on forever.
“I thought you might want to get outside to somewhere more private,” Sunggyu explained. “I talked to Hyeji and she told me that up here was usually quiet. Just as you promise not to jump off the roof, we can stay here as long as we want.”
Myungsoo looked around at the sky. It was mid-evening after supper and the sky was starting to streak with red as the sun went to bed for the moon and the stars to shine.
He turned around. “Thank you, hyung,” he said, gratitude filling his heart.
Sunggyu smiled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I hope this makes you feel better now.”
Myungsoo smiled back. “It does. Thank you so much.”
~*~
They spent the rest of the evening on the roof. Sunggyu had brought up some food and a blanket so they were comfortable. While they sat on the blanket together, Sunggyu pulled out his phone and showed his some pictures of the others.
“This one is Sungjong with Sowon, he really likes Sungjong. He has the same connection with Sowon as he did with Nurungie, Coco and Dubu,” Sunggyu said. “Dongwoo and Woohyun with Sowon in the park, they take him out there every day.”
Myungsoo laughed as he looked at Dongwoo, Woohyun and Sowon in the park, Woohyun was trying to chase after Sowon as he ran away with the ball, Dongwoo was standing by the side, just laughing his head off.
Sunggyu flipped through the pictures again. “Hoya and Sowon in the dorm,” he said as he showed the screen to Myungsoo. Hoya was crouching down to eye level with Sowon so their noses were touching. “And we tried to take a family picture.” Sunggyu scratched his head and handed him his phone. “Yeah, the first few times we failed but then we got it in the end.”
He laughed when he saw the picture. The first picture, half of them weren’t looking at the camera at all, Jureumie was jumping out of Sungyeol’s lap, making it look like general chaos. Just like the dorm, Myungsoo thought.
The second one was better. Sungjong was holding Sowon in his lap. Sungyeol stood beside him, holding Jureumie in the crook of his arm. Woohyun and Sunggyu stood behind Sungjong and Sungyeol and Dongwoo and Hoya sat in front of them.
Myungsoo smiled. They looked like such a cute family, a little bit of jealousy and longing tugged at his heart as he wanted to be with them again and to the in that picture together with them. He sighed and handed back his phone.
Sunggyu tucked away his phone, as if sensing Myungsoo’s feelings. Myungsoo knew that there were more pictures that Sunggyu could’ve shown him but he was thankful that he didn’t.
A breeze rippled through the air and Myungsoo shivered. Sunggyu felt Myungsoo’s shiver and wrapped his arm around him. “Are you okay now?” he asked.
Myungsoo nodded. “I’m fine as long as you’re here, hyung.”
~*~
The sky was now a light shade of periwinkle, the sky dark on the East, but light on the West. The sun had faded along the border, ending another day.
Myungsoo sighed. One more day that he was alive, one day closer to his death. One more day gone. Many times when he thought about his life like that, he would feel bitter and just fall asleep feeling like he had wasted away his life, but this time, he felt content. Even though he had one less day to live, he had spent it with Sunggyu and the comforts of yesterday.
He smiled softly and looked up at the sky, moving closer to Sunggyu’s side. Myungsoo smiled as Sunggyu nearly automatically put his arm around Myungsoo’s shoulder, holding him close to him in the cool night air.
In the early night sky, a star twinkled above them. Myungsoo looked up at Sunggyu, about to make a comment about the star, but stopped as he saw him. Sunggyu had his eyes closed and his lips were moving silently.
“Sunggyu-hyung?” Myungsoo whispered. “What are you doing?”
He opened his eyes slowly. To Myungsoo’s surprise, they were glistening with tears. “I was wishing on that star,” Sunggyu whispered, his voice rough with tears. “I really hope that wish comes true.”
Myungsoo wrapped his arms around Sunggyu’s waist, snuggling into him like a koala, hoping that his hug would ward off the tears in Sunggyu’s eyes. “What was that wish?” Myungsoo asked.
He bit his lip, trying his best not to let the tears fall. “Wishes don’t come true if I tell you,” he whispered, a tear falling down his face as he lost the battle for his tears.
Myungsoo sat up, turning to face the other as he saw the tear running down his cheek. “Hyung, don’t cry,” he pleaded. “I don’t like seeing you cry.”
Sunggyu angrily wipped away his tears. “I don’t want you to leave,” he muttered. “It’s so hard.”
Myungsoo swallowed, feeling tears starting to collect in his eyes. “I don’t want to leave you either. Every day, everything I do, I have to think very carefully. Because that might be the last thing people will have to remember me by.” He sighed and looked up at the sky. “Every movement I do, every word I say, every thought that I have could be my last. I hate it.”
“Me too,” Sunggyu looked down at his hands in his lap, tears dripped down the side of his nose. “I can’t think of life without you. You’re a really great person… I can’t think of… I don’t want you to go.”
Myungsoo suddenly threw his arms around Sunggyu again. “Don’t cry, hyung. Please don’t cry, please don’t, please don’t cry like this,” he begged. “I don’t like it when you cry. Please don’t cry.”
Sunggyu tightened his grip around Myungsoo’s shoulders as if that would keep him from dying. “Myungsoo-yah…”
“The only thing that I hate more than thinking dying is thinking of what’s going to happen when I’m not around,” Myungsoo admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know when I’m going to leave. I don’t know at all.”
He closed his eyes and pressed his nose into the curve of Sunggyu’s neck. “Don’t cry for me, hyung,” he continued, his voice muffled by Sunggyu’s neck and his tears. “My heart’s already crying and I don’t want any more tears shed because of me.”
Sunggyu nodded against Myungsoo’s shoulder, silently promising him that he won’t cry. “I’ll be a stronger and better hyung for you, Myungsoo-yah, so don’t leave.”
Myungsoo couldn’t find words so he only nodded, holding onto Sunggyu as if he was afraid that Sunggyu would leave him if he left. “Could you sing something for me, hyung?”
He nodded, wetting his lips before starting to sing.
산 노을에 두동실 홀로 가는 저 구름아 (The cloud which is flying high alone above the mountian)
나는 알리라 내 마음을 부평초 같은 마음을 (I would like you to know what my heart feels)
한 송이 구름 꽃을 피우기 위해 (So I can make a bundle of cloud flower bloom)
떠도는 유랑별처럼 (Like a wandering star)
내 마음 별과 같이 (My heart will become a star)
저 하늘 별이 되어 (in that sky)
연원히 연원히 빛나리 (and forever, it will shine)
Tears started to fall from Myungsoo’s eyes again. Sunggyu gently hummed a different song, brushing away the tears from Myungsoo’s eyes.
I want to fly up to the ends of heavens
Hug the breeze on the air,
And whisper with the winged angels.
Sunggyu and Myungsoo held onto each other as the stars rose above them.
MyungGyuuuuuuu! My shiiiiipppp!
On the other side, INFINITE F~~~ Their music video is adorableeeeee. And my grandma (who lives in Japan) asked me what I want for Christmas, and so I asked for Infinite F's album. After a lot of explaining and Google searching and confusion, I'm getting a Infinite F album for Christmas! Yay!
And someone stole my boots... TT_TT and of course it had to be on a day that it was -37c outside and it's going to be that cold during this week too. I don't even have another pair... I'm going have to wear running shoes and walk home in -30c weather in snow.. cries...
At least it's warm inside... I hope you all stay warm (or cool if you live somewhere warm) and please comment, subscribe and upvote! I love you~
Please look forward to the next chapter! It's very exciting!
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