~*~

Chapter VI

One week of Infinity

11월 6일

Myungsoo was lying on his side away from the door, looking through the small window.

Dongwoo sighed, as he stood in the door.  It had been about a week since he first woke up in the hospital, Myungsoo’s body was doing better, but his mind was in a dark place.  The doctors had run a battery of tests on Myungsoo after he had first woke up and gave him a dark diagnosis.  Myungsoo had hardly said anything to anyone since the doctors had diagnosed him and instead kept to himself, quietly lying on the bed alone.

After the doctors had diagnosed him, the CEO had immediately put him on sick leave.  If the CEO hadn’t put him on sick leave, his parents or his doctors would’ve demanded him to take a leave, no matter how much he would’ve begged and pleaded with them to let him stay. 

The other members of Infinite tried to juggle their time between their schedules and keeping Myungsoo company in the hospital.  Myungsoo had reassured them that he understood.  That’s what they signed up for, they were idols, what ever happened, broadcast came first.  Dongwoo could always see the shadow of sadness in Myungsoo’s eyes when ever Jungryul or Hyoan came to pick them up from the hospital to go to do a TV or radio show. 

It wasn’t the same with all seven of them.  It was always strange when one of them was away filming for a drama, it was even stranger when one of them were off the stage because of an injury.  When Woohyun injured his arm during their ‘Last Romeo’ promotions, it was strange to dance without him, Sungyeol always good naturally joking that it was stupid to do the part where he grabbed his collar by himself.  With Woohyun as one of their main vocals, it definitely felt strange when Sunggyu had to sing Woohyun’s part. 

It felt worse when Hoya tore a ligament in his leg in their ‘Back’ era.  “You sing with your vocal cords, not your face,” Sunggyu had said in an interview once and they all agreed, but you danced with your legs, not your face.  Dancing was, and will be forever, Hoya’s everything.  He was their main dancer and without his energy, it felt so strange to watch how stand on the side on the stage, just simply singing his lines. 

It always felt awkward when they left Myungsoo to do a show or something.  Woohyun seemed to always want to make it up to Myungsoo, so when ever they left the hospital, Woohyun always gave Myungsoo long warm hugs, he would always stare at the empty seat in the van beside them on the way to the recording. 

Infinite was supposed to be seven, not six, their lines and dancing lined up perfectly as seven, not so much as when they were six.  They had to stretch their parts to cover Myungsoo’s lines.  Dongmin, their choregrapher, helped them to cover up for Myungsoo, re-choreographing the whole dance to cover for Myungsoo as his lines were split between the others, they had stayed up late re-learning and practing.  Each beat of the song and each step they took just another painful reminder that Myungsoo wasn’t dancing with them anymore and he wouldn’t be dancing with them for a long time. 

But still, they would return to see Myungsoo every day, more often than not, carrying get-well-soon presents from what ever TV or radio show they were on or a few gifts from his fans.  Dongwoo especially liked it when they carried in a trophy from winning 1^st place.  No matter what he was doing, waking up, eating, getting medicine and even on one occasion, vomiting, he would smile and celebrate their win with the others. 

When Myungsoo was smiling and fooling around with the other members, it felt nearly normal, even though they all knew that it wasn’t. 

Dongwoo quietly entered the room and approached the bed.  Myungsoo looked over his shoulder, his eyes blank and tired before looking back out the window, not acknowledging Dongwoo at all. 

“Myungsoo,” Dongwoo said quietly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  “How are you feeling?”

Myungsoo didn’t answer.

“Do you need anything?” Dongwoo pressed.

He still didn’t move, only a little shift signaling that he head heard Dongwoo, but was refusing to answer him.

“Okay,” Dongwoo sighed, trying not to press him, knowing very well that Myungsoo could be easily pushed over the edge if anyone pressed him too far.  He hated the silent Myungsoo who was with him right now.  He was too used to the chatty and humorus Myungsoo that always lightened up the mood.  “I’ll be out in the hall if you need anything,” he said, standing up to leave.

“Wait, hyung.”  Myungsoo finally spoke up, although he still didn’t face Dongwoo.  “Could… could you help me?”

“Anything,” Dongwoo promised, his heart leaping with joy as Myungsoo finally spoke to him.

“I want to go outside.”

Dongwoo hesitated, he had just said that he would help with anything but now he wasn’t sure that his promise extended to this.  “Are you sure that you’re able to?” he asked.

Myungsoo was already sitting up slowly, pulling off his blankets.  “I feel… I feel too trapped in here, maybe in a few month or a few weeks, these walls are all I’m going to be able to see, I won’t be able to go out into the hall.  These walls are trapping me into my fate, I need to get out of here.”

They all needed to get out of there, out of the nightmare that they were trapped in, in the reality they were living.  There was no way that they could’ve dreamed of the things that were happening now, they wouldn’t think that Myungsoo would be in the hospital and their supposed-to-be perfect comeback in their rearview mirror.  More than any of them though, Myungsoo needed an escape, his life had changed so dramatically in the past few days, more than he was used to. 

Dongwoo helped Myungsoo untangle himself from the various wires and slip into a pair of sweats and a sweater to cover up the less than attractive hospital gown that Myungsoo was forced to wear.

“Lean on my arm if you need too,” Dongwoo instructed as they left his room.

Myungsoo nodded, silently accepting the help that he would always reject before.  Dongwoo lead him down the hall and into the hospital garden.  The garden was wide and quiet, patients walked around slowly, some nurses and doctors hurried across the park to get somewhere, it was beautiful. 

Dongwoo gently steered him towards a near by bench and sat down beside him.  Myungsoo looked up at the sky and breathed in the early November air, even if it was for a second, he looked peaceful and happy.

“It’s a beautiful day today,” he whispered.  “I’m going to miss this.”

Dongwoo looked across at Myungsoo.  His eyes were closed and a small smile danced on his lips as he enjoyed the sun. 

“Myungsoo, what the doctors said isn’t a death sentence, you still have a chance,” Dongwoo said gently.

“It’s hardly a chance, I’m at the bottom of the list and there isn’t a chance,” Myungsoo said bitterly, staring at the thin hospital slippers on his feet.  “The treatment won’t work either.  It’s no chance at all.”

Dongwoo sighed, giving up on trying to convince Myungsoo otherwise.  The doctors had drawn out a pretty bleak picture for Myungsoo and he wasn’t the most optimistic about his future.  “If that happens, I’m going to miss you,” Dongwoo said quietly.

Myungsoo leaned against Dongwoo’s shoulder, closing his eyes.  “I… I’m… going to miss you so much,” Myungsoo whispered, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence.  

Dongwoo hugged him again, holding him tightly to his shoulder.  He didn’t want to think of the future, but eventually, it was going to happen.  ‘Eventually’ was always the future that you never want to see.  Dongwoo pushed the thoughts out of his head and concentrated on Myungsoo in his arms now. “If that does happen, remember us, okay?”

“I’ll never forget you,” Myungsoo whispered.  “Don’t forget me too.”

“No one will ever forget you.  Not ever.  I won’t allow it.”

~*~

11월 8일

Myungsoo looked around the dark corners of the room, studying the four walls around him.  He sighed and tried to get more comfortable on hard mattress.   

It’s been a week.

One week.

One week was so much different now.

Before, one week could mean so many different things.  It could mean seven days of sleepless nights, preparing for a comeback.  It could mean seven performances, three dress rehearsals and two performances.  In one week, they could travel to a different country and come back home.  One week was enough for a day for each member, 7 days and 7 members.  One week meant that that there was another week heading their way, another week of infinity.

But now, one week meant something totally different:

He had one less week to live.

~*~

11월 3일

Myungsoo was well enough to be able to sit up in his bed alone.  The doctors had rushed him around the hospital endlessly for the past few days, collecting blood and urine samples, sending him to different specialists and running him through large machines.

He waited nervously as the doctor’s appointment drew closer.  He hoped desperately that he had just come down with a little something and he could get back to promoting again.  Myungsoo had wanted to get out of the hospital, but his doctor had made him stay in the hospital.  Dr. Park, the doctor that treated him in the emergency room, stepped into the room, followed by middle-aged doctor.

“Hello, Myungsoo,” Dr. Park said, smiling.  “How are you today?”

Myungsoo shrugged nervously, tracing patterns on the sheets.  “Isn’t that what you need to tell me?”

She laughed and nodded.  “That’s what we’re here to tell you now,” she said.  “This is Dr. Song Jihae from the oncology department, he’ll be your doctor.  We’ll be moving you into his ward soon.” 

Myungsoo looked at the other doctor nervously.  Dr. Song was about the same age as his dad, maybe a bit younger and had a nice and warm smile as he greeted Myungsoo. 

“It’s nice to met you,” Myungsoo mumbled, bowing the best he could in his bed.  “Please take care of me well.”

“I will do my best,” Dr. Song said.  “The only job I have from you is to get you back to Infinite as soon as possible.”  

Dr. Park reached over and shook his hand.  “It was a pleasure to take care of you,” she said.  “I hope to see you on stage soon.”

Myungsoo smiled.  “Thank you for taking care of me.”

She waved and headed to the door, leaving Myungsoo and Dr. Song behind.

Myungsoo shifted nervously.  “You said that you’re in oncology?” he asked Dr. Song.

Dr. Song nodded.  “Do you know what we do in that department?”

The word was slightly farmiliar and he could remember hearing the word from some medical drama that Woohyun liked, but that he found too cliché for his liking.  In the drama, Myungsoo remembered that the main character’s love instrest fell ill and was diagnosed with cancer, effectivley breaking the main character’s heart.  As the drama came back to him, Myungsoo remembered what oncology was and his heart dropped.  “I… think I do…”

Dr. Song pulled up a chair to sit beside Myungsoo.  His eyes were warm and caring, but it made Myungsoo nervous.  “Myungsoo, when you were first brought to the hospital, we took a few tests and we have the results here.  Would you like anyone in the room? Your mother or father?”

Myungsoo swallowed, ready to face his destiny.  “No, it’s okay,” he said steadily.

Dr. Song nodded slowly and opened his clipboard again.  “We took many tests and many of them came back negitive, but I’m sorry to say that one of them came back positive.  I’m sorry, you have lung cancer.”

Myungsoo’s heart felt like it had shattered.  In a few seconds, with those few words, it felt like his whole future came crumbling down around him.  The future that he and Infinite had planned out was gone. 

“Lung cancer?” he asked, his voice cracking at the end even when he tried to stop it. 

“There’s a growth of cancer cells in your right lung.  We can get you started on treatment soon to prevent further growth,” Dr. Song said gently, putting his had on Myungsoo’s knee, a small gesture of comfort.  “The other option will be to have a transplant.  We have you on the waiting list, but I have to be honest, most patients on the waiting lists will never find a match.  There’s still hope that a match for you will come along, but for now, we will get you started on the treatment.  Chemotherapy and pills that will prevent further growth of the tumor and hopefully cure it.”

Myungsoo stared at his doctor, his head spinning with the new information.  “What… how… what are my chances for survival?” Myungsoo whispered.

“It all depends.  The worst case scenario is a couple of weeks, but the best case is a full recovery,” Dr. Song said.

Myungsoo closed his eyes, the infromation sinking in.  A couple of weeks might all he have left.  A couple weeks of the infinity he had before. 

“I know this is a lot to process,” Dr. Song said gently, though his voice sounded far away.  “Would you like to see your family?”

Myungsoo swallowed past the lump in his throat to answer the doctor. “Do they know?” Myungsoo asked.  “Do they know that I have cancer?”

“If you want me to tell them, I can tell them.”

He nodded.  “Thank you, doctor.”

Dr. Song stood up and headed to the door.

“Wait, doctor?”

He turned back as Myungsoo called out to him.

“Yes?”

Myungsoo swallowed hard, forcing the next sentence out of his mouth. “Will… will I be able to go back to Infinite?”

Dr. Song folded his arms over the clipboard in his arms.  “It all depends, like I said before, even though I did say the worst, I think that you will pull through.  You’re a healthy young man and with a little treatment, you should be back on your feet.”

Mungsoo looked down.  “But there’s always the other door,” he whispered.  He looked up at Dr. Song and tried to smile.  “Thank you, doctor.”

Dr. Song smiled at him. “Don’t worry,” he said.  “Maybe it won’t be okay, but there’s always tomorrow, right?”

Myungsoo half laughed, though there was no real emotion behind the laugh.  “I guess there is.”

When Dr. Song left the room, Myungsoo turned over to his side, away from the door and looked out the window.

He could see a small piece of sky and a few tops of the trees through the window.  His heart longed to be out there in the sun, in the sky.  He swung his feet out of the bed and walked slowly to the window.

He leaned against the window sill, looking out into the hospital garden.   Myungsoo bit his lip and looked up, trying to blink back tears.  The cold floor tickled the soles of his feet and the window felt cool against his forehead as his fingers clutched the window sill.

Even though the cold burned his skin, Myungsoo still didn’t move, trying hard not to cry.  He didn’t want to die, there was so many things that he wanted to do.  He didn’t want to die yet.

Why him?  Lung cancer was caused by smoking, wasn’t? Thoughts bounced around his head, confusing him.  He never smoked, he would probably get fired for that, and he always tried his best to avoid the smokers on sidewalks, though most of the time, it was impossible. 

He shakily raised his hand up to his chest, touching the right side, where is right lung would be.  If it was true, he wasn’t sure that he believed it yet, there was a tumor right underneath his hand, something that soon might destroy his body.   He wanted to scream and rip the tumor out of his chest so that he could be what he was before, but instead, he his hand stayed pressed up against his chest as he took a shallow breath in and a deep breath out. 

In.  Out.  In.  Out…

“Myungsoo.”

His father called to him softly and he nearly looked at him from the force of habit, from the many times his parents reprimanded him to obey his father, but he this time, he couldn’t look up.

He didn’t want to look at his family and see the pity in their eyes, as they would know that he was going to die.  What could he do?  He wanted to met their eyes bravely and tell them that it was going to be okay, that he was going to be strong for them, that he wasn’t going to die for them.

He wanted to, but there was no way that he could.

“Myungsoo.”

His father pulled at his shoulder, trying to pull him away from the window.

Myungsoo stood his ground, refusing to look away from the window.  A bird flew past his window and landed on a branch of a tree, just outside of the window.  It opened its mouth and started singing, a song that he couldn’t hear because of the glass barrier between the two.

His mother hugged him, whispering that it would be okay.  Myungsoo closed his eyes and when he opened them again, the bird was gone.

He turned around and saw his family standing there.  His mother’s eyes were filled with concern and tears, his father’s eyes an echo of his mothers.  Moonsoo had the same look as when Myungsoo had lead him to school for the first time and Moonsoo was scared out of his wits.  Still, Myungsoo could remember how Moonsoo took his hand and told him to not let go of him.  “I’m your brother, we’ll stick together.”  Myungsoo could hear his own words echo through the air as he broke eye contact with his brother. 

He lowered his head, feeling the first of the tears starting to fall down his face, one lonely cold tear falling down his face.

“Myungsoo, let’s get you back to bed,” his mother said quietly, her warm hands guiding him to the bed again.

“Are you okay?” Moonsoo asked as Myungsoo sat down on the bed again. The gentle concern in Moonsoo’s voice broke through the thin layer of numbness that had settled over Myungsoo and the first words started to break through his lips. 

“I don’t want to die,” he whispered, hot tears filling his eyes, threatening to spill over.  “I don’t want to die.”

His mother’s arms wrapped around him, making him feel safe and loved.  His father sat down beside him and his mother.  Being held like that and having his family around him made him feel safe and vulnerable.

He let got of all the tears building up inside of him, falling over his cheeks and onto his hospital gown.  His hands woldn’t stop shaking as a soft sob choked him.  Hot tears kept on falling as he tried to stop the tears, ragged breaths jerked from his chest, choking him as he tried to get a decent breath in.  Sobs kept on tearing from his throat as he cried out his heart.

Myungsoo felt his mother’s hand run through his hair, bringing back the memories of his childhood, how she would comfort him just like this.

“It’s going to be okay, Myungsoo.”

He tried to nod, to reassure his mother that he knew that she was telling him the truth, but he couldn’t.  She didn’t say that he was going to be okay, maybe he wouldn’t, but she said that it was going to be okay, that everything would be okay in the end. 

The tears kept on coming, he couldn’t stop crying even if he wanted to.

Myungsoo clung desperately on his mother shirt, tears flowing down freely.  He burried his face into her shoulder, clinging onto her and maybe in some ways, hoping if he held onto her, that would mean holding onto life as well.

His mother started to sing to him, a soft lullaby, brushing his hair just like she did when he was little.

 I stood upon the hill,

Stared up the blue sky.

And drew a lovely person in my heart.

I want to fly up to the ends of heaven,

Hug the breeze in the air,

And whisper with the winged angels.

Myungsoo gave out one more desperate sob as her lullaby soothed his crying heart. 

When he woke up that morning, he had all the time in the world.  Just a few words had seemed to destroy it. 

Now, all he had left was a handful of time and a heart full of goodbyes. 

~*~

11월 8일

Myungsoo looked around his new hospital room.  The corners of the room were filled with shadows, the only light sorce was the lamp on the bed side table as the rain fell down the windows outside.  Myungsoo didn’t want to move into this room, it felt like he was admiting that he was nearing defeat, that it was nearly time for what he thought was infinity to end. 

He shook his head to get rid of the dark thoughts in his head.  No matter how hard he tried, they still haunted his thoughts, just like the shadows in the corners of the room.  He reached over and turned off the light, sending the whole room and himself into darkness. 

Myungsoo rolled over and pulled the blanket closer to him.

He had one less week to live.

One less week of infinity. 

Hello again!  

Should I run and hide before you start yelling at me?  

thank you for commenting and subscribing last time!  Sorry if I didn't reply back, I do read and love every single comment!  This week, I'm going to be out of town and I'm not sure if the hotel has wifi.  TT_TT what am I supposed to do with a week without wifi? (a lot of sight seeing, but beyond the point) I'm going to be back by next week sometime, and I'll reply back to all of the comments this time!  

And Infinite won their first win with Back!! Yay! Lucky red! And Hoya tore his ligament (as I mentioned above), poor Hoya, it so much when you hurt your foot, it must be really hard for Hoya. AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MYUNGSOO DYED HIS HAIR BLONE!!! It looks like Jiu got a hair cut.  xD  I like his hair better when it was black, it fits him a lot.    

Please comment and subscribe and please upvote too!!! Thank you!  I'll see you next week!