~*~

Chapter XIV

Safe in Your Arms

3월 1일

It was early March, the winter had already left and spring was due in Seoul.   Myungsoo slowly opened his eyes, finding the open window in front of his eyes.  The sky was a beautiful shade of baby blue, fluffy white clouds drifted lazily across the sky.  It looked warm outside, but he knew that the blue skies could just be a disguise for the cold weather.  Myungsoo shivered violently as a cold breeze cut through the room.

Myungsoo felt a warm hand on his cheek and he smiled softly.  “Abeoji?”  he asked.

His father’s hand gently brushed against his cheek as he sat down on the edge of Myungsoo's bed.  “I’m right here, Myungsoo.” 

He sighed and scooted closer to his father.  “Abeoji, it’s really cold in here…”

His father hesitated before gently pulling him onto his lap, his warm arms wrapping around him.  “I can’t turn up the heat, but I’ll keep you warm.”

Myungsoo nodded and snuggled closer to his father's side, loving the warmth and comfort that his father's presense gave him.  “Why is it so cold? It’s feels like winter.  I thought winter was over.”

“It’ll get warmer soon,” his father said gently.  “It’ll be warmer, the summer’s going to come and it’ll be warmer.”

Myungsoo shivered in the cold.  “Abeoji, when it’s warmer, I won’t be able to visit very often, it’ll be busy with all the schedules,” he mumbled, not sure why he was bringing it up then.  “I know you want me to be home with Moonsoo and Umma… do you think that you could come to one of my performances instead of me visiting?”

His father didn’t answer for a few seconds and Myungsoo felt scared, an irrational fear that his dad was going to leave him alone there. “Abeoji?” he called out quietly.

“It’s okay, Myungsoo.  Don’t worry, I’ll bring Moonsoo and your mother to watch one of your performances.”

Myungsoo smiled and breathed in his father’s comforting warmth.  “It’s so cold,” he whined.  “Too cold.”

“You have a fever, Myungsoo,” his dad told him gently.  “It’s not cold in here.”

“But I feel so cold,” Myungsoo whispered.  “It’s so cold.”

A warm blanket was pulled over his shoulders and tucked underneath his chin.  “There you go, it’ll get warmer soon.”

Myungsoo nodded, snuggling closer like he was five again.  “It’ll be summer soon, won’t it?”

His father’s chest vibrated underneath his cheek as he chuckled.  “It will be, the winter’s finished so it’ll be spring soon.”

Myungsoo smiled and closed his eyes again.  He felt so warm and safe in his father’s arms.  His mother’s arms were warm and loving, while his father’s arms held him safe and washed away all of his worries that he had.

“I can’t wait for the summer, it’ll be so much fun,” he whispered, tightening his grip on his father’s shirt, just like he did when he was a little boy and wanted his father’s attention.

His father laughed and patted his head gently and lovingly.  “The summer’s going to be fun, when you have time, you should come back home so that we could eat kimchi jjigae and we can invite your grandmother over, too.”

Myungsoo smiled and sighed as he drifted off to sleep.  “I haven’t seen Halmeoni for such a long time,” he murmered.  “And I miss Halabeoji… I want to see him again.”

His father hesitated.  “Let’s hope that you don’t have to see Halabeoji for a long time.  Halmeoni will be happy to see you though.”

Myungsoo sighed happily.  Later, Myungsoo wouldn’t remember this conversation very clearly, the fever blurring his vision as he talked to his dad.  If he had been more conscious, he would’ve remembered that his grandfather had died when he was 15. 

But even through the haze of fever, he remembered the last part of the conversation. 

“I love you, Abeoji.”

“I’m so proud of you, Myungsoo, I love you too.”

~*~

3월 3일

Sungjong looked up from his phone as he looked into Myungsoo’s hospital room.  Sungjong watched Myungsoo’s face carefully as Myungsoo nodded slowly as he talked with his doctor.  He could see how Myungsoo’s face tightened with each word that he spoke and how much pain was showing in Myungsoo’s eyes.  Sungjong wanted nothing more but than to run up to Myungsoo and wipe away the hurt for him. 

He sighed and looked back down at his phone, waiting for the doctor to come out so that he could visit Myungsoo.  Each time that Myungsoo had another check up, Myungsoo’s eyes would grow darker and he would retreat back into his little shell.  Sungjong knew that Myungsoo could see that Myungsoo was hurting, they all could, but there wasn’t anything that they could do about it.

Sungjong looked up as he heard Dr Song come out of Myungsoo’s room. Sungjong bowed quickly in greeting as he stood up, ready to go into Myungsoo’s room.

Dr Song smiled and placed his hand on Sungjong’s shoulder as he passed. “Sungjong, it’s going to be okay.”

Sungjong looked down at the ground.  “Thank you, doctor.”

Sungjong walked quickly into Myungsoo’s room, shutting the door behind him.  Myungsoo looked over his shoulder and smiled at Sungjong. “Hey, Sungjongie,” he said softly.

“Hey, hyung,” Sungjong replied, feeling as though his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Myungsoo studied Sungjong.  “Sungjong, what’s wrong?”

Sungjong shook his head.  “It’s nothing, nothing’s wrong.”

“Sungjong, I know you,” Myungsoo said.  “Something’s wrong.”

Sungjong looked down at the ground.  He knew that Myungsoo knew him and he could see through his poorly constructed shield.  “Hyung, you know me and I know you as much as you know me.  I’m going to ask you once question.  Are you hurting?”

Myungsoo’s eyes furrowed.  “Sungjong…”

“If you tell me the truth, I’ll tell you what’s going on with me,” Sungjong said.

He sighed and rolled over so that his back was facing Sungjong.  “I… it’s… that… I can’t tell you, I’m your hyung, I need to protect you, I need to take care of you, that’s my job as your hyung.”

Sungjong sighed, wanting to roll Myungsoo over so that he was facing him so that they could look each other in the eye.  “Myungsoo… remember… I told you told me to take care of my hyungs, I’ll always take care of my hyungs and that includes you.  It doesn’t matter that I’ll hurt while I take care of you, I don’t care, I’m going to take care of you.”

Myungsoo sighed.  “Sungjong, there are things that I… don’t ever want to tell you, I’m… it’s just that… the… oh god, why is this so hard?”

Sungjong hesitated as he reached out for Myungsoo.  He knew that Myungsoo liked feeling others touches around him and he could just reach out for him, but he couldn't bring himself to touch his hyung.  Instead he tucked his hands into his lap and knotted them tightly together.  “I know, hyung, I know it’s hard,” Sungjong whispered.  “It’s so hard to take care of all my hyungs, but I try anyways.  It doesn’t matter that it hurts or that it’s hard.  We’re here for each other and we can take off some of the load off of each other’s shoulders for each other.”

“Sungjong…”  Myungsoo turned around and Sungjong made eye contact with Myungsoo’s red tinged eyes.  “It’s going to be okay.”

“That’s the thing, hyung,” Sungjong interrupted.  “That’s what everyone’s been telling me, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone else, but are you sure that it’s going to be okay?  Are you sure that you’re going to be up on your feet in a little while?  Are you sure that you’re going to be back to us soon?  What if it’s not going to be okay?  What then?  Will I not have you?  You’ll still be hurting when that happens…”

Myungsoo reached out and took Sungjong’s hands.  “I know,” he whispered.  “I know it’s not going to be okay,  but that’s just life, isn’t?”

“The life we live now means that you’re going to die!” Sungjong blurted out.

The sheets on the bed suddenly were very interesting to Myungsoo as he ran his fingers over the cloth.  “That’s being pessimistic, isn’t?” he whispered.

“No, I’m being realistic,” Sungjong said stubornly.  “It’s more realistic, this is what the doctors have been telling us in the first place.”

“Sungjong-ah… just for a moment…  why don’t you just forget about the reality?  Why can’t you be hopeful?  Just for a moment, that’s all I’m asking, why don’t you believe that it’s all going to be okay?  That it’s going to be okay.  It’s okay to live a lie sometimes.  It’s better than living the reality.”

Sungjong blinked quickly, trying to stop the burning feeling in his eyes.  “Hyung… I’ll… always follow my hyungs…”  He took a deep shuddering breath.  “Tell me one lie that I should believe, and I’ll believe it.”

Myungsoo reached out and touched Sungjong’s cheek.  “You’re such a handsome man, Sungjong,” he whispered, tears shining in his eyes as well. “Thank you for everything.”

He wrapped his arms around Sungjong tightly.  “I’m going to live, please believe that.”

Sungjong whimpered as he started to cry.  “Okay, I believe you…”

Myungsoo the back of Sungjong’s head gently.  “It’s okay, Sungjong… it’s okay.”

Sungjong nodded, trying to stop his tears.  He didn’t know if he could stop crying even after Myungsoo pressed a soft kiss into Sungjong’s soft hair.  “It’s okay,” Myungsoo whispered again.

He nodded as he tucked himself into Myungsoo’s chest.  There, he felt warm and safe, as though everything could be solved by just sitting in Myungsoo’s arms.  “Hyung…”

“Yes?”

“You can’t lie anymore, so please tell me… are you hurting?”

Myungsoo sighed and Sungjong’s back gently.  Sungjong heard Myungsoo’s heart beating steadily in his chest, his breath ruffling Sungjong’s hair.  He felt Myungsoo’s heavy sigh and a cold tear running down his neck.

“It hurts… Sungjong-ah… I’m hurting…”

Sungjong wrapped his arms around Myungsoo’s waist tightly.  “It’s okay, hyung, it’s okay to hurt, I’m right here for you.  I’ll always take care of my hyungs, I’m always here for you.” 

~*~

3월 18일

The skys were a shade of baby blue when Hoya knocked lightly on the door.  “Hi, may I come in?” he called from the doorway. 

Myungsoo looked up from the book he was reading and smiled softly when he saw Hoya in the door.  “Of course, come in,” he said as he put down his book.  “Since when did I ever say no to company?”

“I guess never,” Hoya said as he came in and sat down in the chair again, the same chair that they always occupied when they were there.  There was the guest chair, like other co-actors or friends; Infinite’s chair, where Infinite would sit when they visited; and the Kim family chair, where the Kim’s sat.  “Your mom isn’t here today?” he asked, seeing the empty ‘Kim chair’.

“Moonsoo and Abeoji dragged her out for an hour or so,” Myungsoo sighed.  “Where are the others today?”

“Just around,” Hoya answered vaguley. 

Hoya watched as Myungsoo yawned and closed his eyes again.  It seemed like he never stayed up for more than an hour at a time, the medicine was taxing his body and bringing him closer to the edge.  From being asleep for more than half the day, Myungsoo was skinnier and paler than he had ever seen him.

“Myungsoo, could you answer a question for me?” Hoya asked.

He nodded, Hoya didn’t really need to ask if he needed to ask a question, Myungsoo was always willing to answer something for the others.  “Of course.”

“Are you scared?” Hoya asked.

The look on Myungsoo’s face was one that Hoya had never seen before, it was a mix of surpise and some other emotion that Hoya couldn’t read.  Myungsoo snapped his eyes shut, but not before Hoya saw the tears in his eyes.

“Myungsoo?” Hoya touched his arm again, his voice filling with panic.  “I’m sorry, are you okay? You can forget that I said that.”

To Hoya’s surprise, Myungsoo shook his head.  “It’s okay, I want to answer that,”  he said as he pushed himself up higher onto the inclined bed back.  Myungsoo hesitated and wouldn’t meet Hoya’s eyes as he started to talk.    

“I… it’s just so hard,” Myungsoo said quietly.  “Because yesterday, I had everything I could want… I had all the time in the world… now all I have left is the death sentence hanging over my head.  I wanted to do so much more than I’ve done.  All the things… I wanted to go places with my family, I wanted to do more and see more things.  Everything that I’ve done with my life… I met you guys, we went around the world to spread our music.  It’s hard to realize that it’s all going to be gone in a few months or weeks.”

He looked up at Hoya, more tears in his eyes this time.  “Because one day, I woke up and found out that I will never see the world the same way as I did the day before.”  Myungsoo closed his eyes again, one tear falling down his cheek as his voice shook.  “Think about it, hyung.  How would you feel?”

Hoya didn’t reply, he couldn’t reply as tears started to fall down Myungsoo’s pale face.  Without Myungsoo answering Hoya’s original question, he already knew how Myungsoo felt.  He probably felt a bit cheated too, even though he had done everything right in his life, he now only had so much time on his plate.

He felt like he had too many goodbyes to say.

He felt alone.

He was scared…

“I’m sorry…” Hoya whispered. 

Myungsoo opened his eyes slowly, his eyes glassy and lost.  The next sentence came out in a shaky whisper. 

“Maybe some day you will wake up and all you might have is a handful of time, a heart full of goodbyes and your brothers by your side.”

~*~

3월 6일

Myungsoo watched as the ceiling disappeared between the MRI machine.  He had nearly become used to lying in the MRI machine for a long time, each time that Dr. Song sent him in seemed to take forever and each time nothing seemed to change.   

“Myungsoo-ssi, please hold still.  When I tell you, I’ll tell you when you can move.”

He resisted the temptation to nod or wiggle.  The doctors kept on sending him in for MRI scans and other tests.  He started not to mind how long it took for the tests to take.  Myungsoo was never the most patient person, but he started to become more patient with the tests. 

“Myungsoo-ssi, you’re moving.”

Myungsoo immediately stopped wiggling his foot, unaware that he was doing so until the doctor mentioned it to him. 

“The scan is almost done, please stay still for a little longer.”

Myungsoo couldn’t answer without moving so he held still.  He knew that the scan would take at least another 15 minutes.  Myungsoo turned his mind back onto the music in the earphones.  He was half tempted to start singing MBLAQ’s ‘This is War’, but he let out a small sigh as he wasn’t able to. 

He nearly fell asleep before the machine’s loud sounds stopped.  Myungsoo looked up in surprise, and saw the doctor at the end of the machine, pressing a few buttons. 

“You’re done for today, Myungsoo-ssi,” the doctor said, helping him up off the table.  “Thank you for being patient today.”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Myungsoo said, bowing low to the doctor. 

He was hurried out of the MRI lab and back to his room.  Only after a few moments, Dr. Song knocked on his door, appearing with Hyeji. 

“Hello, Myungsoo,” Dr. Song greeted.  “How are you feeling today?”

Myungsoo shrugged, quickly shaking his hand as he reached out for his hand. 

“Today, your MRI scan showed something unusual,” Dr. Song said.  “We’d like to get some samples from your lungs.”

Myungsoo frowned.  “How exactly?”

“I’ll need to put a tube down your throat, and collect some samples in your lungs.”

Myungsoo’s mouth fell open.  “This not being a major operation?”

“We’ll give you some anesthesia,” Dr. Song reassured him.  “You won’t feel anything.”

Myungsoo settled down on the bed, holding out his arm as Hyeji prepared the anesthesia.  Dr. Song explained everything to Myungsoo as he got the instruments ready, soothing Myungsoo with his confidence in his work. 

“Hey, Myungsoo-yah!  We stopped at your favourite bakery and I-” Sungyeol stuttered to a stop as he saw Dr. Song and Hyeji with Myungsoo.

“Hyung got you- oh…” Sunggyu stumbled against Sungyeol back, seeing the reason for Sungyeol’s sudden stop.  “Oh, hello, doctor,” he mumbled, bowing awkwardly.

Sungjong’s head popped up from behind Sunggyu’s shoulder, curious to why they were still outside.  “Oh…. Hello, doctor,” he said quickly, disappearing behind Sunggyu’s shoulder as he bowed. 

“I’m sorry, boys,” Dr. Song said sternly, though he was smiling.  “We just need a few samples from Myungsoo before he can have any visitors.”

“Okay.  We’ll just be…”  Sungyeol pointed to the hallway awkwardly.  “We’re… we’ll be outside when you’re finished, Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo laughed as the Sung brothers hurried out of the room, just as awkwardly as they came. 

“Would you like them in the room?” Dr. Song asked. 

Myungsoo looked up surprised.  “Isn’t that unsafe?”

“We would need them to wash up first, but if you want them in the room, we can certainly arrange that.”

He shook his head.  “They don’t need to see this,” he said.  “Let’s start.”

Hyeji injected the anesthesia into his arm, and soon after Myungsoo’s body started to become numb, his eyes started to feel heavy, but he didn’t feel like sleeping.  Instead, he watched through half closed eyes as Dr. Song took out a long thin tube and nodded to Hyeji.  Myungsoo felt his head being tipped back, Hyeji’s cold fingers comfortingly brushing against his cheeks.  He watched with sleepy eyes as the tube drew closer. 

Even though he couldn’t feel it, he had to resist the urge to choke or cough up the tube making its way down his throat. 

He quickly turned his mind to the three Infinite members outside in the hall.  Sungyeol had said that the three of them had stopped at his favourite bakery before visiting the hospital.  Myungsoo had seen the tip of the bakery bag from behind Sungyeol’s back.  They must have gotten his favourite lemon pastry.  The first time that Myungsoo had brought those home, the rest had thought it was a joke on Sungjong’s lemon candy and Sungjong had been understandably mad at Myungsoo every time that Myungsoo had brought them home.  But after the fourth or fifth time that Myungsoo brought them back to the dorm after photo hunting, they understood that it was actually Myungsoo’s favourite, not just bought for a joke on the youngest. 

He inwardly smiled.  The other members knew what he wanted, just a small taste of his favourite food, (second favourite, his mother’s kimchi jjigae was his favourite), instead of the bland hospital food that he had to eat.

He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreams filled with the sweet taste of his favourite lemon pastry. 

~*~

Sungjong sat down on the seats across the hall from Myungsoo’s room.  Sungyeol placed the bakery bag in Sungjong’s lap as he sat down beside him. 

“Do you think that Dr. Song saw the lemon pastries?” he asked.  “There’s a rule against outside food for hospital patients, right?”

Sunggyu shrugged.  “I think so, let’s not figure out,” he said, taking the bag from Sungjong and taking out a lemon pastry. 

“You have too many thoughts, hyung?” Sungyeol joked as he took Sungjong’s offered pastry. 

Sunggyu scowled at Sungyeol.  “Doesn’t matter,” he said. 

Sungjong sighed and bit into his.  “What do you think was happening with Myungsoo-hyung?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” Sungyeol said, casting a worried glance to Myungsoo’s room.  “He’s really not happy these days,” he added. 

Sungjong nodded.  “Cheomotherapy can lead to depression sometimes,” he said quielty. 

“Since when were you the expert on chemotherapy?” Sunggyu asked. 

“Since Myungsoo was diagnosed,” Sungjong shot back.  “I researched lung cancer when Myungsoo first told us back in November.”

Sunggyu didn’t answer.  All of them had lightly researched as well, just enough to know what was happening to Myungsoo, though still none of them could imagine what was happening to Myungsoo still. 

“You know what, we should cheer him up,” Sungyeol said suddenly, waving his lemon pastry in the air.  “We can do something to cheer him up, can’t we?”

“Like what?” Sunggyu asked, finishing the rest of his pastry.  “There isn’t like there’s much we can do.  I don’t think the doctors will allow us to kidnap him from the hospital to take him to the carnival again.”

“His birthday is coming up,” Sungjong said suddenly. 

“No, it’s not,” Sungyeol argued. 

“Yes, it is,’ Sungjong argued.  “It’s March 8^th.”

“That can’t be right,” Sungyeol said, drawing out his phone to check the date.  “Oh… I guess you’re right.”

“What can we do?  Throw him a surprise birthday party?” Sungjong said half sarcastically. 

Suddenly, a smile spread across Sunggyu’s lips.  “I know what we can do.”

~*~

Myungsoo opened his jaws in a loud yawn as he opened his eyes, stretching his arms over his head. 

The first thing that he noticed, was that his mother was there beside him, looking as though she might cry any time soon. 

Myungsoo stuggled to sit up higher on the bed.  “What is it, Umma?”

He closed his eyes trying to remember what had happened before he had fallen asleep.  When he reopened his eyes, his mother had tears in her eyes. 

“Umma, what’s wrong?” he asked again as he looked around the room for a clue. 

Dr. Song was standing at the end of his bed, holding something in his hands.  A sudden wave of dreed washed over Myungsoo.  He had previously given permission to Dr. Song to tell his parents anything, knowing that his mother would feel better hearing the words come out of the doctor’s mouth instead of his.  Myungsoo told his parents everything too, so he thought that it wouldn’t make too much of a difference. 

“What’s going on?” Myungsoo asked for the third time, looking at Dr. Song this time. 

Dr. Song’s fingers were tapping on the clipboard in his hands as he looked uncomfortable about something. 

“Myungsoo, before you fell asleep, I was giving you a test to check on your lungs again.  There was something in the MRI that showed up and the samples from the tumor confirmed it.”

“Wait,” Myungsoo interrupted.  “Did you tell my mom?”

Dr. Song nodded, looking towards Myungsoo’s mother who was crying again. 

Myungsoo frowned, not wanting to see his mother cry, and reached out for her.  “Don’t cry, Umma, what ever it is, we’re going to get through it.”

His mother nodded and took his hand.  “We’re going to get through it,” she repeated. 

He squeezed her hand once more before looking towards the doctor.  “What did the test come back with?”

“I hate to tell you this, but the growth of cancer cells in your lungs have increased.  According to your latest test, I’m afraid that you have at the best, two months left.”

Myungsoo stared at his doctor, wondering if the words that he heard was true.  His mother started crying again as she heard his diagnosis for the second time. 

Myungsoo fell down against the sheets again, feeling like he was about to faint, the room spinning around him.  Two months to do everything that he wanted, to do everything that he thought he had forever to do. 

“Doctor, are you sure?”

Dr. Song nodded.  “We checked the results mulitple times.  I wish I could say something that helps, but there isn’t much I can say.”

Myungsoo nodded slowly, feeling as though he should be crying, just as the first time he was diagnosed.  None of the tears fell from his eyes that were stinging the back of his eyes.  His mother was sobbbing again, Myungsoo found enough strength to sit up in his bed and wrap his arms around his mother. 

‘It’s okay, Umma,” he said quietly.  “It’s okay, we can get through this.”

His mother’s shoulder shook with sobs as she rubbed the back of Myungsoo’s head.  “Of course we can, we’re going to get through this.”

Myungsoo closed his eyes and breathed in his mother’s comforting scent.  “It’s going to be okay.”

~*~

3월 7일

“Myungsoo-yah!”

Myungsoo jumped as a very happy Sungyeol jumped onto his bed.  He laughed and tried to smile back at Sungyeol. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Sungyeol asked, his wide eyes now filled with concern as he tried to look into Myungsoo’s eyes and place a hand on his forehead. 

“What are you trying to do?” Myungsoo complained mildly, batting away Sungyeol’s hand. 

Sungyeol laughed at his actions.  “I guess you’re doing better then!” he said cheerfully. 

“You know, I-“

“Sungyeollie-“

They both start speaking at the same time, stopping as they heard the other starting to talk. 

“You go first,” Myungsoo said. 

Sungyeol grinnned.  “Myungsoo, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I need to ask you a favour and don’t ask any questions.”

Myungsoo raised his eyebrow.  “And what would that be?”

“I want you not to check twitter or the fan café for a week.”

“What for?” Myungsoo asked. 

Sungyeol shook his head, placing a finger on his lips.  “No questions, just do that for me, okay?”

Myungsoo started to smile.  “Okay.  The hospital Wi-Fi anyways.”

“Thank you, I’ll tell you why by the time the week is done!” Sungyeol said.  “Now what did you want to tell me?”

Myungsoo smiled weakly.  “I was going to ask you if you could pass me a cup of water, I’m getting thirsty,” he lied. 

“Why didn’t you say that before me?  I could’ve waited a few seconds,” Sungyeol said, standing up to get a cup of water from the bathroom. 

“Mine wasn’t important,” Myungsoo said, picking at the blankets.  Maybe his was important, but seeing Sungyeol like this made him not want to break Sungyeol’s bright bubbly smile. 

“Here you go,” Sungyeol said as he returned with the cup of water.  “Now, what do they have on TV now?”

Myungsoo and Sungyeol watched a drama on TV until Jungryul came to pick Sungyeol up. 

“See you later, Myungsoo!  Remember, don’t check the fan café and Twitter for a week!”

Myungsoo smiled and waved as Sungyeol left. 

As he lay back down, he heard Sungyeol greet someone in the hall and someone new entered the room. 

“Hey, hyung,” Moonsoo said as he sat down on the chair beside Myungsoo. 

“Hey,” Myungsoo whispered back emotionlessly. 

“So, judging by Sungyeol’s attitude when he left and your mood now, you didn’t tell him?”

Myungsoo shook his head, closing his eyes slowly. 

“Myungsoo?” Moonsoo asked.  “Why?”

He shook his head again.  “I just need time to think okay?

His brother sighed.  “Are you sure?”

Myungsoo nodded his head slowly.  “I’m sure.  I just… don’t want them around to see how… I am right now.”

“When are you ever going to tell them you’re dying?”

He nearly yelled at his brother for saying it so bluntly, but he couldn’t find the energy to yell at him and he did have a point.

“Hyunggggggg.”  Moonsoo poked his shoulder.  “Please answer me, you’re scaring me.”

Myungsoo turned over and looked at the opposite wall.  He didn’t want to see anyone, he didn’t want to talk to anyone either.  He knew that he would get pity from the others and they would pretend to understand and they would try to console him.  No one would be able to understand, there was no way.  Myungsoo didn’t want to be around people that would think that they knew what he was going through, he wanted to be alone with someone that he knew that could help: himself.  Maybe he was talking to L, he didn’t know, but maybe L could help heal Myungsoo.  Whether he was talking to L or not would remain a mystery to him, but he just wanted to be alone.

“They already know I’m dying,” Myungsoo said flatly, finally answering Moonsoo’s question.  “Did you see the way that Sungyeol was laughing and having fun? I can’t… I won’t let them lose that smile.  They don’t need to know that I’m going to die earlier then they want.”

Moonsoo sighed.  “You know, I don’t want you to die either.  I’m your brother, so I can have more claim to not wanting you to die more than Infinite does,” he said jokingly. 

“Shut up, Moonsoo,” Myungsoo snapped, jerking the covers over his head to block out Moonsoo more.  “It’s different with them.”

“Of course it’s different,” Moonsoo agreed.  “But it’s also the same.”

Myungsoo sighed.  A memory from their childhood came back to him.  It was thunderstorming in the night, Myungsoo always curled up under his blankets because he was scared.  When ever there was lightning or thunder, Moonsoo would come into his room and join him in his little paradise.  They always felt safe from the storm in the warmth of Myungsoo’s blanket. 

Myungsoo reached out from under the blanket to take Moonsoo’s hand.  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. 

Moonsoo gripped his hand tightly.  “You might be dying, but you’re still here, aren’t you?”

Myungsoo nodded slowly.  “I am, I’m sorry that I’m going to leave you.”

“You’re my brother,” Moonsoo said softly.  “You aren’t going to leave.”

Myungsoo slowly pulled the blanket down and rolled over to face Moonsoo even though his eyes were still closed.  “I’m not going to leave.”

Moonsoo nodded and patted his hand.  “You’re not going to leave.  You aren’t going to leave me, Umma, Appa, Infinite...  You aren’t going to leave.”

Myungsoo sighed and tried to relax, listening to his brother repeating that he wasn’t going to leave.  Maybe if he listened to it enough, it would become true.  

Sorry that I didn't update last weekend.  I had an essay due and I promised myself that I wouldn't update until I finished the essay, but that didn't happen so no update unfourtunetly.  But here I am again!  

Anyone like MyungYa?  That part was supposed to be part of the last chapter, but then a lot of people were saying something about MyungYeol and MyungJong that kind of made my head spin around in circles that I decided to move it to this chapter.  The medical talk in the middle of the chapter is a result of a whole ton of research and watching a lot of House MD, so if a noun can be a doctor, so can a letter of the alphabet!  (ba-dum-dum-ching... bad jokes ftw...) This chapter ended at a sort of odd place, bc then the next chapter would've been too short so I moved some of this chapter to the next chapter, so wait until next weekend and I'll update an exciting chapter!  I promise! And more Moonsoo in this chapter, because little brothers are... come back to me when I find a word for little brothers.  (Special, little brothers are all special) 

On the other hand, remember to vote for Infinite (and Nell) at the MAMA!  

And on another hand LOVELYZ ARE DEBUTING!!! THEY'RE MUSIC VIDEO IS GOING TO COME OUT IN 25 HOURS!!! I'm so excited about this! And one of the members' name is Kei!  Same name as me! (now you can get my bad noun/letter of the alphabet joke.  ba-dum-dum-ching...) I was writing the essay when I saw this so I basically died and couldn't concentrate on the essay for the next hour.  Kim Jiyeon/Kei and I are going to be best buds now. ^^ (and I'll be best buds with you too if you comment and subscribe and upvote! ^^/) 

Thank you for commenting and subscribing and for the upvotes as well!  I try and update ate least every 5 new subscribers or 10 new comments or 2 upvotes so do one or the other and I'll try and update quicker! 

Have a great week!