Seohyun

Dugeun dugeun.

“Oppa, I didn’t bring my bike today. Can we walk home?” I asked him.

“I’m really sorry Seohyunnie, my mom called me said she needed an urgent help and told me to come home as soon as I can. I’m really sorry. I’ll make it up to you another time, okay?” Yonghwa oppa grabbed me by the shoulder softly and looked into my eyes.

“Ah, ne. Arasseo, oppa. It’s okay,” I gave him a sweet smile.

“I’m sorry but I promise I’ll make it up to you next time, okay?”

“Okay, oppa. Just go now, your mom needs help!” I pushed him playfully and chuckled. He laughed as he set off.

I sighed, still wearing a smile, as I watched his back getting farther away from me. Today was one of the best days I’ve ever had. I finally got to see oppa’s smile again. It really pained me seeing him being gloomy and frowning all the time this past week. But today I finally saw him smiling again. I could feel the warmth again, the warmth of which only his simple smile could make me feel.

I was still standing still and smiling like an idiot in the middle of the hallway in front of the classroom when my phone rang.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“It’s me, Hyunnie.” I heard Yoona eonni’s voice from the other side of the phone line.  “Are you free after school?”

“Mm, I guess so. Actually the school’s ended just now. Wae eonni?”

“Ah, that’s good. Gidaryeo, I’m nearly there.”

“Mworago? You’re coming over?”

“Ne, nae yeppeun dongsaeng. I’m already in front of the gate. Ppalli nawa,”

“Ah, ne, eonni. I’m hanging up now,” I hung up the phone.

I quickly rushed downstairs. Even though I knew Yonghwa oppa was already on his way home, somehow my eyes were still scanning the school premises for him. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind, especially after that moment on the rooftop. My heart beat like crazy that time. Even when I already closed my eyes that time, all I see was him being so close to me.

When my eyes were scanning the all over the place, they met someone’s eyes. Our eyes locked together for some time before he began to approach me.

“Um, Seohyun-ah…” Jungshin called.

“Ne, Jungshin-ah?” I felt a bit of awkwardness.

“Are you free tonight?”

“Tonight? I, um…I’m not sure. Maybe I will just let you know later if I’m free tonight because I think I’m going somewhere after this. What is it?”

“Hmm, I just thought that maybe you would like to have a dinner with me?”

“Mmm…” I hesitated.  “Okay, I’ll let you know if I can go tonight. Is that okay?”

“Haha, gwaenchanha. Arasseo, Seohyun-ah,”

 “Hehe, okay. I’m off now. Annyeong, Jungshin-ah.” I waved at him and started making my way to the front gate to meet eonni.

Halfway towards the gate, I could see her waving at me just outside the gate. She was still wearing the Y.G. High uniform. She looked really cute with the uniform. It somehow reminded me of her little self.

“Hyunnie!!!” She shouted while waving her hands.

I ran to her and hugged her tightly. “Eonniiiii!”

“Hahaha, Hyunnie~ let’s go shopping at the department store. I need to buy some clothes,” she said as she put her arms around me.

“Jigeum? Can’t we change our clothes first?”

“Ne. I already packed our clothes. You can just wear mine here.” She showed me her bag.

“Okay, eonni,”

When we were going to go outside the gate, eonni suddenly stopped. She stopped and stared at the basketball court just a few feet from the gate. I tried to see what was she looking at and saw him. It was the person who made eonni’s heart went dugeun dugeun before, Jonghyun oppa. He was playing basketball with his friends. And then Jonghyun oppa suddenly stopped and turned his head to us. When Yoona eonni gasped, I realized that she and Jonghyun oppa were locking eyes. When eonni broke the eye contact, Jonghyun oppa walked towards us.

“Annyeonghaseyo,” He bowed.

“Annyeong, oppa. You’re not going home?” I asked him.

“I still want to have a short match of basketball with my friends,” he smiled. “Uh, Yoona-ssi, right?”

“Uh…um…n…ne, Jonghyun-ssi…” Yoong eonni stuttered.

“I see you’re from Y.G. High. It’s really nice meeting you here,” He smiled wider, showing his sweet dimples. By this time I knew how much Yoong eonni’s insides melted.

“A…uh…um…it’s really nice meeting you too, Jonghyun-ssi…”

Being in the middle of their awkwardness, I could only smile and try not to laugh it out.

“I, uh, I should go back to the game now. Hehe, annyeong!” He waved as he turned to his friends.

“A…annyeong…” Yoona eonni waved back. Her face looked very hot and red. She was still stunned, not able to move any part of her body.

I burst out loud. “Hahaha, your face is so red, eonni. Can’t you be more obvious?”

“A…ani, Seohyunnie! Come on, let’s go,”

----------

We got on the bus and headed to the department store. Along the way, I think about Jungshin and his dinner invitation earlier. Should I make time to be able to go with him? Or should I just see it later if we finish shopping early or not? All this time I could see him trying to get close to me. And we really were closer than before. But I was worried. I was worried about my feelings and his. What if he was really trying to get close to me because he had feelings for me, while my feelings were for Yonghwa oppa only and no one else? I could only think of Jungshin as a really good friend, I couldn’t imagine him otherwise. True, I felt comfortable being with him. But it felt different than being comfortable with Yonghwa oppa. There was something that only Yonghwa oppa could make me feel that no one else could.

“Hey, Hyunnie. I saw you talking with a guy when you were going to the gate. The way he looked at you…was he your boyfriend?” Yoona eonni said with a teasing tone, especially in the word “boyfriend”.

Hearing that, I stopped thinking what I was thinking before and my eyes widened. “Mwo?? No! Why would you say that?”

“Hahaha, I don’t know. He seemed cute and nice. Why are you overreacting anyway?”

“A…ani. He’s just a friend…”

“Hahaha, arasseo. I won’t tease you anymore if it makes you sensitive like that…”

“A…ani. It’s just that…” I sighed. “Huh, molla…”

“What is it?” suddenly her tone became worried.

I was quite for a while. I was thinking about the right words because even I myself wasn’t sure of anything.

“Eonni…” I finally spoke. “What’s the difference between liking someone and loving someone?”

“Um…I’m not quite sure myself, Hyunnie…” she said. “Maybe liking someone is when you are comfortable being around someone and want to stay that way, not wanting anything to change. While loving someone means you are comfortable with someone and want to get into that person’s life. And then there’s always that mixed feelings every time you’re around the person you fall in love with. And also you couldn’t stop thinking about that person,”

“If a person who loves ended up with someone who only likes, would it work well as if both of them really love each other?”

She went quite. Her smile faded and she became gloomy. Her face said that there was something behind what I just asked her.

“One would grow feelings when someone else’s actions are making them feel comfortable and want to be a part of that person’s life. However, feelings are natural. We cannot force ourselves to have feelings towards someone. If somehow we managed in making ourselves feel something towards someone, it mostly just a surge of emotion and not pure feelings, which would most likely fade as time goes by…”

I could tell what her face was saying. She had experienced this herself.

“Are you telling me that two must be in love with each other to work on a relationship?”

“Well, technically. But love is about taking chances and sacrificing for someone you love. Be brave to try and believe that everything will work out well. It’s like taking a leap of faith. When a person is in love with someone who only likes, the person who’s in love will want to make the other person to love him too. They will do anything to be loved back. And sometimes, it works. Sometimes the person who only likes could grow feelings because of all the things the person who’s in love does.”

“I see…” I nodded. “Have you had your first love, eonni?”

“I…” she paused. “I don’t know if it was really love or something else. But I think it was just a surge of emotion, because it didn’t last.”

“What do you mean?”

“I got in my first relationship around three years ago in the last year of middle school when I came to Busan with my foster family. He was really nice. He was a mannered boy and I could tell that he really fell in love with me. At first, everything felt nice. But somehow the feelings I had for him didn’t last. And then I realized maybe it was just an emotion that grew because I wanted to be with someone. It was just a desire to make myself not alone. I started to stop returning his favor, or giving him something just because I had to or to show my gratitude. And then I got upset quite a lot. And then we started to fight. It was like I lost interest in everything he did. I realized how mean I was and that it wasn’t fair for him. And then I decided it couldn’t go well any longer. We broke up. But he was still showing how much he loved me even after we broke up. Nothing changed. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I feel sorry for him and I hated myself for that. But I couldn’t imagine how much pain he would feel if it would go on. And then I set off looking for you and stayed here. I hoped that he will forget the feelings and eventually find someone else who is more worthy of his love than me. I’ve never trusted my feelings since then. Until the day I saw Jonghyun-ssi…”

I frowned. It was the first time I heard this. It made me feel doubt. What if the feelings I have for Yonghwa oppa wasn’t real? What if eventually I would have feelings towards Jungshin if he keeps on doing so nice to me? It brought many new things into my mind. But I also remembered one thing she said, where love is about taking a leap of faith. I held onto that thought.

“Well, the past is the past. It’s been three years already. I rarely think about him anymore. We lost contact right the moment I set off to look for you. The important thing is that we’re not alone anymore as we have each other.” Her smile was back.

“Hehe, that’s right eonni. We have each other now,” I gave her a small hug. “But what if I don’t really have feelings for the guy you saw earlier because I’m already in love with someone else?”

“Mworago?” She broke off the hug, looking surprised. She wiped her eyes and blinked a few times. “You’re in love with someone? SEO JOOHYUN I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!” She said loudly.

I regretted to have said it out loud to her in a public place, but fortunately the bus was quite empty.

“Shhh, eonni! Don’t shout like that!!”

“But I’m too happy for you,” she hugged me violently.

“Ah, eonni! But you haven’t answered my question…”

“Arasseo. Just follow your heart, Hyunnie. If you really love this person, your heart will be very hard to change. Maybe you should tell the other guy that you wanted to be nothing more than friends. It’s better to let him know sooner before it’s becoming too hurtful for him…”

“I had been asked to have a dinner with him. I feel hesitate whether to go or not. It would be rude to turn it down though. Eotteokhae?”

“Just go with him. It’s okay. Maybe you could tell him that tonight. It’s okay, I’ll support you. Fighting!” She smiled.

“Maybe you’re right, eonni… Arasseo, I’ll go with him for tonight…” I said thought my heart was still full of hesitation.

“By the way, who is that guy that you’re in love with, Hyunnie? Come on, tell me~” She sounded very excited. “What’s he like? Is he nice? Is he handsome? What’s his name?”

“Ya, eonni! Do you want to murder me with those questions? I’ll tell you but be patient…”

She laughed. “Hahaha, Hyunnie~ you’re so cute when you blush. Come on, tell me,”

“I met him last year, when I first came to S.M. High. He was my seatmate at the second year. We got so close. At first I thought of him as only a close friend. But lately I feel weird when I’m with him. My stomach has butterflies and my heart race uncontrollably.”

Eonni was sitting there looking at me with excitement written all over her face. She only sat there silently and nodding every word I said.

“He’s really nice. He’s also quite good looking. He’s playful and sometimes can even be like a choding. His smile always made me feel warm and safe…”

“Aww, so sweet! My fingers are curled up!” She giggled by herself.

“A…ani…” I blushed hard and couldn’t say anything.

“What’s his name, Hyunnie?”

“Um…Yonghwa oppa…”

Eonni fell silent. Her excited expression faded. Now she looked like she was thinking hard.

“Hmm, weird…”

“What is, eonni?”

“There was also this guy named Yonghwa in Busan, but when I left for here, he was still there and I think he should still be there now.”

“Um…that’s weird…Yonghwa oppa also said once that he only came here sometime after his middle school graduation in Busan.”

Eonni’s face looked serious. “Hmm…may I know his surname?”

“Um…it’s Jung. Jung Yonghwa…” I answered.

Eonni’s face stiffened. Her eyes widened in shock.

“Oh my God. What kind of coincident is this?” she talked to herself before turning to me. “Hyunnie…h…he’s…” she stuttered, still stiff.

“What is it, eonni?”

“He’s the boy I told you about. We used to go out when we were in Busan, three years ago…”