Seohyun

“I’m killing myself…” I whispered under my breath.

Why is it so hard? I only wanted to see him happy. His happiness used to mean my happiness too. Why does it hurt so bad this time? Why am I in pain seeing him happy by her side?

All I could think of was running away; running away from everything, running away from them, running away from him.

I ran among the crowds under the yellow sky. I kept running and running until my feet hurt. Eventually they gave up and I had to drag myself. I went into an alley between some souvenir shops. I hid there next to a stack of cardboard boxes. I sat and put my knees inside my arms and cried, hoping that the pain would go away along with the tears running down my cheeks. Once again, I found myself all alone.

“Seohyun?” a familiar voice came.

“Hyunnie?” it came again, getting closer.

The voice was really familiar. Like music to my ears that I haven’t heard for a long time. Then I realized whose voice it was.

I opened my eyes and raised my head. “Yoong eonni?”

“Seohyun-ah?” the voice suddenly changed.

I wiped my eyes and blinked a few times. Then I realized it was not who I thought it was. It was only my imagination.

“Seohyun-ah!” Jessica eonni ran towards me.

I got up and ran towards her. I put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. I began to sob as my tears wet eonni’s shoulder. She hugged me back and patted my head.

“Sh-sh-sh…it’s okay, Seohyun-ah,” she cooed. “I’m here now. Let’s just go home, okay? I’ll take you home.” She patted my head gently like a mother to her baby. I nodded as I tightened my embrace before letting go.

We caught the bus and was going back home sooner than the others, just the two of us. My tears still flowed but I’d managed to calm myself from the sobbing. Jessica eonni looked so worried. I felt really bad for making her worried.

“Jessica eonni, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for causing troubles…” my voice still cracked.

“Aniya, Seohyun-ah. It’s okay. I understand why you ran off,”

I was startled. “*sniff* you do?”

“Ne, Seohyun-ah. I already figured it out. Spending some time with you guys, all the pieces have come together in front of me. About you and Yonghwa…” She stopped herself. “Um, sorry. I don’t think it’s the best time to talk about it…”

“Gwaenchanhayo, eonni. *sniff* I just don’t understand. All of this is new to me. I just wanted to see him happy. *sniff* But somehow it feels really bad here,” I placed my palm on my chest.

“You care for him in his bad times. You’re there for him when everything else fails him. You look at him with admiration and fire burning in your eyes. You become shy when he does something nice to you. You want to do nothing but making him happy. And now you can’t bear seeing him going after another girl. You don’t want to lose him. You’re very much in love with him,”

Hearing the word ‘love’, my eyes widened. Is that what this is all about? Is this really love?

“Eonni…what is love?” I asked her.

“Um, I’m not really sure myself, but I think it’s when you’d do anything to make someone happy and even willing to sacrifice to do so. You want nothing but happiness with that person. When you cannot imagine being with anyone else but that person for the rest of your life,”

“Am I...am I really in love with oppa?” I lowered my head.

“I’m sure you are, Seohyun-ah. And you know what? I don’t think it’s too late. I mean, I saw him earlier right at the moment you ran off. He went after you in just some milliseconds. He went after you without thinking anything. I was surprised myself to see him like that, I mean after what we’d seen…” She paused. “Um, sorry. Didn’t mean to bring that up.”

“But I think you’re mistaken, eonni. You see…” I started to tell her what might have really happened in that love tunnel ride and how I was actually the one who suggested oppa to confess to Taeyeon eonni.

“I see…” Jessica eonni went silent for quite a while.

“It’s okay, Seohyun-ah. I will always be there to support you. The pain will go away, eventually. Now you’ve just got to live everyday like you always do. Don’t try to force anything, it will only get worse. Just let time figure everything. If you need something, I’ll be there.”

“Gomawoyo, eonni…” I thanked her and leaned my head on her shoulder before drifting off to sleep.

----------

I opened my eyes heavily at the sound of my alarm clock. I turned it off and checked on it: it was 6 am, Sunday morning. I must have been really tired and dozed off right away last night when Jessica eonni dropped me off in my apartment. I sat up straight and put my hand on my chest. The pain was still there, I still couldn’t forget about any of it. But after I spilled everything out with Jessica eonni, it felt like a great deal of weight had been lifted off my chest.

I picked up the photo on the bedside table. For years, I could only stare at this picture and pray. Pray that someday we would meet again.

“Eonni, I heard your voice. Just like the first time we met in the kindergarten. I felt lost and alone, but your voice found me. You were there, right?” I began to talk to the picture. “What am I saying? Michigetda…” I sighed and put the picture back.

I decided maybe it was best to clear up my mind by taking a morning walk while the air is still clear. I changed my clothes, put on my sneakers and began walking out of the apartment towards the park near the school. It was where I often go to clear my mind.

The air was still fresh and cool. The sun hasn’t come up completely yet. I didn’t see any traffic on the streets. It was a peaceful Sunday morning and not many people had things to do in the morning. Some people were just jogging and exercising at the side of the road. I walked peacefully on the side of the road as I greeted some elders who were passing by. I really loved being in a quiet and peaceful place.

I bought bottled water on the way and started jogging as soon as I reached the park. The park was still quite in the morning but it would get more crowded when it hit around 9 am. Jogging this early in the morning in the park didn’t only help me clear my head but it was also good for health. I could already feel my mind clearing up and my body felt lighter. Slowly, I forgot about all the painful feelings. My soul and body was at peace.

When I was passing the lake area in the park, I noticed someone there and stopped. She was sitting on the steeping grass overlooking the lake. I hesitated whether to approach her or not, but it would be rude not to at least say hi to her. Yet somehow my pride was holding me back. Despite all, I decided to put aside my pride and approach her.

“Eonni, what are you doing here?” I called to her as I joined her sitting on the grass next to her.

Taeyeon eonni was startled. “Seohyun-ah? Ah, nothing. Just thinking that I need to get some fresh air,” She smiled before turning her head back to the scene of the lake. “What about you?”

“Mmhm, nothing, really. Just want to clear my head, that’s all,”

“I see. How are you, Seohyun-ah? Are you feeling better? Yesterday you ran off like that and I haven’t heard of you since,”

I went silent for a moment, thinking of how to explain it. “Mmm, mianhaeyo, eonni. I’m really sorry for causing troubles for everyone. And, um, yes I think. I think I’m already feeling a bit better.”

“It’s okay, Seohyun-ah. It’s good to hear that you’re already feeling better.” She smiled to me again. “Here, for breakfast,” She handed me a piece of sandwich.

“Gomawoyo, eonni.”

We ate in awkward silence. I stole some glances at her as I munched my sandwich and saw her looking so bright while staring at the lake. At first glance, her expression was bright, but as I studied her a bit more, her smile was just a mask trying to hide her true feelings.

While her gaze was still fixated on the lake, she broke the silence. “Seohyun-ah…”

“Uh, ne?” I was slightly startled.

“Mianhae…”

I didn’t know what she was talking about. I didn’t understand why she suddenly apologized.

“Mianhae. I’m sorry for everything, Seohyun-ah.”

“Um, what are you saying, eonni?”

“Yesterday, after Sunny and Sooyoung set us up in the love tunnel, Yonghwa and I didn’t say anything to each other as we rode the boat alone. We had something to say to each other but didn’t have the courage to say it. And then at one point, he started first. He…” she paused and turned to me. I saw hesitation all over her face.

“Eonni, go on, please.” I told her. She smiled and turned back to stare at the lake.

“He confessed to me. But….I could only say that I couldn’t be with him any longer.”

I was surprised. This wasn’t like what I had in mind. This was unexpected. Seeing how they were when they exited the love tunnel, I thought everything worked out for them. I thought they finally found happiness.

“B…but…you were in his embrace when you guys exited the love tunnel…” I stuttered.

“I know. It was our one last embrace. And for that I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done it. It would only make it harder for him. And it sure made it hard for you, too.”

“But…I thought you were getting along well and you guys were really close already. Why?”

“I only said to him that I didn’t have that same feeling towards him. I mean, he’s nice and I was happy with him. And he also makes me feel comfortable in this new environment. But I just couldn’t find that same feeling he feels towards me. But the truth is there’s more,” she paused and turned to me. “Can I tell you something, Seohyun-ah?”

I hesitated but then answered. “Um, yes, Taeyeon eonni. I’ll keep it for you.”

She half smiled; her smile mixing with sadness. “Actually, the reason I felt uneasy to keep this up was because I’m still thinking about a past love. I still can’t get over someone from my past. When I first met Yonghwa, I really thought that this time I could finally settle and forget about my past. But I was proven wrong as almost everything nice that Yonghwa did reminds me of that person. I realized that I still couldn’t forget. And it isn’t fair for Yonghwa if I only keep him in my side just to forget about a person from my past. I don’t want to use him as a distraction against my past. But despite all that, I still wanted to believe that I could settle down with him. Until I met her one night…”

I couldn’t let out anything from my mouth. I even held my breath. I was too speechless. All this time I have been thinking negatively. All this time I was wrong about everything. Now I felt bad. I felt bad for Taeyeon eonni. And I felt horrible for not knowing the truth.

Not long after, I realized something. “Eonni, did I mistakenly hear you say ‘her’?”

She gave a small chuckle. “No, Seohyun-ah. I know this isn’t something you hear often. But you are right. It’s her. The love of my past was a girl,”

My eyes widened. I had never heard of anything like this. Love that a girl feels towards another girl as in they were a girl and a boy.

“Love never knocks on your door when it’s coming, or where it’s coming from, or what shape it will take. You’ll never see it coming. Love can come in many different forms. In this case, my love came from a girl named Tiffany.”

I nodded in agreement. In the beginnings of my friendship with Yonghwa oppa, I never ever thought that I could really fall for him. We got so close that I never thought about having feelings other than friendly feelings. But now whatever he did could well mean my feeling’s ups and downs.

I also remembered oppa mentioning Tiffany. He said that they were going back home at night when they met Tiffany. He also said ever since that time, Taeyeon changed. Now I knew the why.

“I knew Tiffany since I was a kid. We grew up together. When we got older and went to the middle school, everything changed. We became more distant with each other. But while she seemed to be enjoying her life with her new friends, I was always there watching her from a distant. Looking at how happy she was. And then my heart started going dugeun dugeun. I felt weird at first but then came to learn that it was a wonderful feeling. In the 2^nd year, we went to the same class. We started to get close once again and got really close, even closer than when we were small. And then when everything was certain for me, I decided to confess to her. But by that time, I heard that her parents got divorced and she was going to the US with her mother and sister. In her day of departure, I couldn’t even face her. And then she left without a word. For almost four years we never had any contact. But even then, I always thought about her every night, for those three long years. And then I transferred here because of my mom’s work and met Yonghwa. When I thought I could finally move on, she appeared in front of me one day,”

I saw a drop of tears falling from the corner of her eye. Even though I was lacking in experience, I somehow understand how she felt. When someday, someone you love left without a word and then appeared one day without warning when you thought you had finally forgotten about her.

“Seohyun-ah, thank you. Thank you for listening to my pathetic story.” She managed a laugh out of her tears.

“It’s okay, eonni. I understand,” I said.

“You do, don’t you? And, Seohyun-ah. May I ask you one more thing?”

“Yes, eonni?”

“Please, take care of him, okay?”

I blushed. She was only asking me to take care of Yonghwa oppa but I somehow felt embarrassed by that request.

I only answered, “Ne, eonni…”

She turned to me and smiled while wiping her tears. “Stop it. I know about you. You like him, right?” she shoved me with her elbow playfully.

“A…aniya!!” I denied her but the color of my face said otherwise.

“Just look at you overreacting like that. And don’t you realize? Your face is as red as a tomato right now,” she laughed.

I couldn’t hide my embarrassment. I just took another big bite of sandwich.

“You know, I’ve been watching him all this time. And from what I see, he really cares about you. The way he treats you when you’re sick, the way he care for your wellbeing, the way he always watch out for you, the way he becomes worried sick over small things that happened to you, the way he talked about you and worried about why you didn’t text him back when you were out with Jungshin. And most of all, the way he ran after you without thinking when you ran away from us yesterday,”

I never really thought about this. I never even thought how oppa had been taking care of me. I felt horrible for not noticing this. I was selfish and insensitive. I only thought about what I felt when Yonghwa oppa were with Taeyeon eonni. I never thought about how much he actually put those efforts for me, instead of Taeyeon eonni. I was only jealous and stupid, and turned out it wasn’t even worth being jealous about.

“Just take care of him, Seohyun-ah. Don’t leave his side. Don’t leave him alone, even if he tells you to. Be there for him because I know, he will always be there for you.” Then she held out her pinky. “Promise?”

“Ne, eonni. I promise.” I sealed the pinky promise.

Before the sun got right above our heads, we decided to go home. We walked home together before splitting up in the intersection near my apartment. The traffic had been more crowded than this morning when I passed down these streets towards the park. People had begun doing their daily activities.

I reached the front of my apartment building. I was going inside the entrance when I heard a familiar voice.

“Hyunnie~”

I stopped my pace. The voice was somehow familiar. It even gave me chills down my spine. With hesitation, I turned myself back towards the direction of the voice. There I saw a girl in black attire; black hoodie, black jeans, and black cap. The tip of her cap hid her face but I was sure it was the mysterious girl I often see walking in and out of the apartment lately.

Then she lifted the tip of her cap and I saw her smile. Feelings suddenly swelled up inside me. I shed tears right at the sight of her smile. Then she completely took off her cap. Now I saw her face and realized who she was. I took a step forward, approaching her step by step.

SMACK!!!

Everyone who was passing by that area stopped and stared at the loud smacking sound as the palm of my hand made contact against her cheek with force.

“Eonni….” I broke down in tears.