(Sujung POV)

“Are you ready?” I looked at myself in the full-length mirror, straightening my uniform. Minhyuk stood behind of me, hands on my shoulders as he stood there in his own uniform.
 “I don’t know… maybe it’s a bad idea going…” I said, not daring to meet my own gaze in the mirror.

 “No, Kitty, we talked this through didn’t we? It’s going to be fun!” Minhyuk encouraged, shaking my shoulders a little.
 “What’s so fun about school?” I gave him a look.
“Friends of course!”
 “What friends…”

He let out a small sigh as he brought his arms around my waist, not letting that smile fall.
 “Donggeun and Sungjae are really excited you agreed to come today,” he said, leaning his head against my shoulder.
 “I don’t think I should go…” I said. Honestly, I was disappointed in myself for not wanting to go.

 “Come on, smile! It’s going to be great!” he said, not letting me win.
“Fine…” I groaned, making a large smile appear on his face.

 --

 Nervous, I made my way to my locker down the hall. My new teacher had told me all my new books were there. The halls were empty. Everyone had gone to class. Fetching my books and making my way to the classroom, I could feel a shiver run down my spine. My breath almost hitched itself up in my throat as my fingers wrapped around the cold door handle.

 I counted to three as I breathed in and out as calmly as possible.

One…

Two…

Three…

 As quietly as I could, I made my way to the only seat that was empty. In the process, I had to walk past the whole class. Although I had tried to be quiet, the class had become mute. Keeping my head down as I walked, I could feel their stares burn holes through my whole body.

 After I had sat down by a desk in the back, the teacher turned back to the blackboard, not saying anything about my return. The whole math period, I could hear the whole class whisper. I never caught exactly what they were talking about, but I imagined that would change as the first break approached.

 I was right.

“Look at her hair!”
 “It doesn’t suit her, it’s too long.”
“Yeah. I can’t believe she has the nerve to show up after such a long time.”
 “I heard she was locked up in a hospital.”
“We should stay away from her. She’s crazy!”

 “No wonder Lee Minhyuk acted so strange. He’s been babysitting her the whole time. That’s what I heard anyways.”
 “I can’t believe he manages to put up with a freak like her.”
“I wish he would date me instead. She’s nothing compared to anybody.”
 “He’s only doing it because he feels sorry for her, though.”

 “You okay?” I looked up to see Donggeun lean against my desk. “Don’t listen to what they say. It’s good to have you back!” I merely managed a smile. I did not feel okay. Not really. They were right about my hair. I knew I should have cut it a long time ago. The subject was just never brought up.

 Until lunch, Donggeun sat beside of me, talking about everything and nothing. I tried my best not to listen, as I was quite determined to get back on track by taking notes and doing the exercises in my book.

 “Come,” Donggeun said suddenly, standing up.
“Come where?” I asked, looking up at him.
 “The cafeteria of course!” he said, as if it was obvious.
“I’m not that hungry…” I told him, shifting my gaze to look down at the desk in front of me. I did not want to go into the cafeteria where all those people were eating their lunch. They all hated me. I knew they did.

 “What are you talking about not hungry? Of course you’re hungry!” he protested, dragging me off the chair to stand up.
 “I don’t have money for lunch-“
“Stop lying, you live with Hyung! He’s basically your wallet!” I sighed. He was right after all…although I would not put it that way. Unfortunately, in the end, I could not do anything but to follow him.

 “Sujung-ah!” Minhyuk exclaimed happily as Donggeun and I approached the table where Minhyuk, Changsub and Sungjae sat in the middle of the large cafeteria. Of course it had to be in the centre for everyone to see me…

“What do you want to eat?” he asked, taking my hand and led me to sit beside of him. I could, again, feel stares burn into my skin.
 “I don’t know…” I said, keeping my head low, “Anything is fine.”
“Okay then, I’ll go find something you like.” He gave my hand a gentle squeeze walking away to buy some lunch.

“Look at her. She’s even making Minhyuk Oppa buy her lunch,” I could hear a girl nearby say.
 “Yeah I know. When did she start having lunch anyways? She used to sit behind the school like the loner she is,” another girl replied.

“So how is the first day of school?” Changsub asked carefully, trying to start a conversation.
 “I think I might throw up…” I replied honest.
“Maybe you should go see the school nurse and ask for some meds?” he suggested, again careful as he spoke. 

 I had clearly seen how weird, I mean, supernaturally weird, he could act among his friends, but whenever he was around me, he was always so careful. Maybe it was because he knew more about me than I would naturally tell anyone, or maybe it was because he had used to hang around those who bullied me before.

 “Here!” Minhyuk placed a small, heated box of kimchi ramen and a pair of chopsticks in front of me. I muttered a thank you and took the chopsticks in my slightly shaking hand, and started eating.

 “You look pale,” he pointed out, quite concerned.
“I’m fine,” I told him, not taking my eyes off my food.
 “Noona said she might throw up,” Sungjae spoiled.
“Kitty, are you feeling sick?” Minhyuk asked, twice as concerned this time.
 “Don’t worry, it’s probably just nerves,” I told him, mustering a small smile.

“Has anyone been mean to you?” he asked. I shook my head. “Donggeun-ah?” He looked up at Donggeun, wanting a proper answer.
 “They’re talking behind her back,” Donggeun answered.
“Don’t listen to what they’re saying, okay? Whatever bad things you hear them say about you, it’s not true. Believe me,” Minhyuk said, my back lightly.  I only nodded.

 “Yah! Kim Sujung!” I looked up, seeing a familiar girl stand beside of me, two other girls standing behind of her. I bit my lower lip, my expression turning more uneasy.
 “Now that you’re back, I seriously hope you don’t mind helping me out with my science homework. I can’t believe you dared to disappear so suddenly! I failed my essay because of you!” Jinri, the girl in the front, said angrily, glaring at me.

 “Watch your mouth Choi Jinri!” Hyunsik warned, looking almost furious.
“Oppa, don’t be such a jerk. You know she used to help me with my science homework,” Jinri said, not softening the slightest as she crossed her arms over her chest.

 “Don’t you dare mess with my girlfriend, you hear that?” Minhyuk stood up, walking closer to her threateningly, darkening somehow.
 “Says the guy who retook a whole school year.” Jinri breathed out a laugh. Instead of being offended, Minhyuk smirked at her.
 “Yeah, says the guy who retook a whole school year,” he said, poking her forehead.

 “Whatever!” Jinri pushed Minhyuk away and stepped closer to me, gripping my left arm, holding it tightly. “Are you going to help me or not?!”
 “I told you to stay away from-“
“No, stop it Minhyuk,” I said, cutting him off. “I will of course help you with your homework, Jinri-Shi.”

 I stood up and let her drag me to a cupboard, the one she had used to drag me to before. Of course, she could not let anyone see that she forced me to do her homework. However, when she closed the door, that room became so much scarier than it used to be. The room was so small and dark, it triggered me in so many ways.

 Although I was scared and my breath was uneven, I managed to answer all the question and Jinri kept writing down the answers in her book. We kept going like that until she asked a question about oxygen and I became quiet. I froze.

 “Are you going to answer or not?!” Jinri shouted, looking annoyed.
I blinked a few times. “I- I don’t know the answer…” I stuttered, terrified.
 “WHAT!?” Jinri screamed.
“I’m so sorry! I haven’t read about that yet! I received my books only this morning!” I said, trying to protect myself with a good and honest excuse.

 “Oh my god! How can a person be this useless?!” she shouted, standing up in fury. I could feel my eyes begin to water. I did not mean not to know the answer of that question. “Hyeri-yah, you have the keys right?” Hyeri held up a key, beaming cutely.

 “Good,” Jinri said, angry still, “Let’s go then. Naeun, turn the lights off.”
“Wait- what are you guys doing?” I asked, eyes wide in horror. They were not planning to abandon me inside of the cupboard were they?
 “You can sit here in the dark and think until you know the answer. When you know it, we’ll come get you.”

 The door closed shut with a loud bang and I could hear the lock click afterwards, followed by Jinri’s irritated complaining.

 My tears fell then. I felt anxious. I was not able to control anything. At first, it was quiet, then the school bell rang and I could hear people walk past the cupboard. After the rush outside had quieted, I could hear banging. Something was banging against all the walls of the room. I held my hands over my ears, but the sound only became louder and louder.

 Then, someone started screaming. On top of the banging, someone was screaming a horrible and heart-breaking scream. I had heard that scream before. I heard it that night. My mother…

 Tears were streaming down my face although I kept my eyes tightly shut. I wanted it to end. I wanted it to end so bad, but it did not. It only became louder and louder.

 When I thought it could not become any worse, there was another banging against the door. It sounded as if someone was running into the door several times.
 “KIM SUJUNG!” It was Ilhoon shouting. I was confused. I could hear him shout my name and he kept telling me to hold on, and my mother’s screams from that night were echoing through the room.

 The door was brutally kicked open, and Ilhoon was suddenly kneeling down beside of me. I had hoped the banging and screaming would have ended by now, but it did not. I was becoming dizzy.

 “Sujung! What’s wrong? What’s going on?!” Ilhoon shouted, as if he was trying to be louder than the noises that were there from before.

 My blurred vision became darker and darker by each second. I was feeling dizzy. The bangs and screams became louder, but Ilhoon’s voice somewhat faded more and more away…

 My throat was aching and I felt a wet, slightly warm cloth against my forehead. My eyelids were too heavy for me to manage opening my eyes, and my head was throbbing. I could hear a door open and close.

 “What happened?!” Minhyuk’s worried voice came.
“She was locked up in a cupboard and she was screaming and crying…” Ilhoon explained.

 I tried to move, but I could not. I was so confused. When did I scream? I never screamed. My mother screamed. I knew it was her. My mouth was closed the whole time.

 Two soft hands took one of mine in between of them. The hands that belonged to Minhyuk. I knew only by feeling them.

 I grew frustrated as I kept trying to open my eyes or at least speak some words. It was as if I had been petrified. I wanted to look at him and tell him I was sorry for messing up my first day of school, that I was willing to try again.

 “Ilhoon-ah…” Minhyuk started with an apologetic sound in his voice.
“Yeah?” The atmosphere was slightly awkward.
 “Thank you.” A warmth spread inside of my chest. I had been waiting for Minhyuk to let go of his anger regarding Ilhoon for so long. He always became irritated whenever Ilhoon was around. Only by mentioning Ilhoon’s name, he tensed.

 After minutes of struggling, I managed to lightly squeeze his hand and squint my eyes open.

 “I’m sorry I messed up…” I told him, my voice only a low whisper.
“Aish this girl,” Minhyuk chuckled, “Don’t think of apologizing every time you wake up, think of resting.”
 “Sorry…” I said again, making him sigh. I completely ignored his point.

“Are the two of you friends again?” Minhyuk and Ilhoon looked at each other for a moment.
 “Yeah, we’re good,” Minhyuk told me, giving me a soft smile. Minhyuk was, after all, the one who was the angriest with the other in their case. I was happy they were not hating on each other any longer.

 “I’ll call someone to take you home,” Minhyuk said, giving my hand a soft squeeze before exiting out the door.

 “Thank you for helping me out,” I sat up slightly, looking at Ilhoon who sat on a chair across the small room.
 “You shouldn’t thank me,” he said, “I owe you that much.”
“I don’t think you owe me anything,” I told him. I was trying to make eye contact, but his eyes would never meet with mine. Honestly, they almost never did. Whenever I cached him looking at me, he quickly looked away.

 “Are you okay?” I asked him.
“You’re the one who fainted. You should worry about yourself before me,” he said, rather cold.
 “I was just asking because you look pale,” I said, apologetic. I did not like knowing that others felt bad. I knew how it was to feel bad. I would never wish anyone to feel as I felt.

 “Changhyuk Hyung will come pick you up soon,” Minhyuk said as he walked back inside the room. I nodded, giving him a soft smile.

--

 I had forced myself to go to school every day after the incident. I was not going to give up on myself. Not now. Minhyuk would not leave me at home neither. He kept telling me that I would be fine going to school and that it was good for me.

 The other students kept talking and talking, making sure I could hear their hurtful words, but none of the guys would leave me alone, not even for a second, except if I needed to bathroom. Ilhoon had even made an effort to keep me “safe”.

 Minhyuk and Ilhoon was again talking almost casually to each other. They did not seem to dislike each other as much anymore. Luckily.

 One day, when the teacher had left the classroom to fetch something from her office, the talking had started again.
  “Jinri-yah, I think you should teach Kim Sujung a thing or two about how to do her hair right,” a guy, Kang Minki, had said. A few other students laughed. They kept commenting my hair ever since I returned.
 “I think we should just cut it all off,” Jinri sneered back. “Nobody wants to look at her if her hair is ugly.”

 “Nobody wants to look at her when her face is ugly neither,” Naeun said.
“She’s just too ugly in general.”
 “Yah! Kim Sujung!” Minki shouted, “Please start wearing a bag over your head; we don’t want to look at your ugly face. Why don’t you just disappear again, and this time, don’t come back. We don’t want you back.” I bit my lip and kept my head down. Tears were threatening to fall.
 “I agree,” Jinri said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Nobody wants you here, leave us alone and don’t go outside with such an ugly-“

 “WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER STOP?!”

The whole room was suddenly filled with silence. Ilhoon had gotten on his feet so quickly, the chair he sat on fell to the ground.
 “Why can’t you stop hurting her like that?!” he looked around the classroom, furious as he scowled at his classmates.

 “Who are you to talk?” Jinri questioned, scowling back at him, crossing one leg over the other. “Don’t act as if you haven’t done anything.”
 “I at least said I was sorry and stopped!” Ilhoon told her, but she only laughed.
“Is it enough to tell her you’re so sorry?” she questioned. I looked up at Ilhoon, who stood there tense as a stick, silent for a moment.

 “No,” he said finally. “It’s not enough. I hate myself every day because of what I’ve done, because I am, unlike the lot of you, aware of what damages I have done, and I am aware of what she’s gone through.” Suddenly, everyone was staring at me. My eyes were wide. I was praying to every god believed by humans that he was not going to tell them about my father or the hospital. I understood he was fed up- I was as well- but I did not want anyone to know anything.

 “You’ve gone through a lot huh?” Minki said with an unexpectedly soft voice, mocking me. His friends were already laughing hysterically.
 “If she’s been through so much, and you were aware, why would you start acting like that towards her?” Jinri asked Ilhoon, ignoring Minki. “I saw how you were flirting with her back then, why would you suddenly start this?”

 My heart was beating quickly. I did not like being the main subject. I did not like the way Jinri was talking to Ilhoon. I had forgiven him. He explained and I understood. There was nothing more he should have to do. It truly was enough. It was more than enough. I did not want him to hate himself and blame himself for my state. It had nothing to do with him. Not anymore at least.

 “I didn’t know back then,” Ilhoon said, voice more quiet, head falling low. He seemed disappointed. “But I am telling you to stop doing this to her!”
 “Why the heck would we listen to you?!”
“I started it, I can stop it!” he said, turning angrier again. “I don’t want to see or hear about anyone of you who’s plagiarising my friends for being around her! None of you had a problem with Sungjae before, but now that he’s hanging around her, he’s suddenly a disgusting ? That’s not how it works! He’s not disgusting! He is a nice person and his uality shouldn’t matter!”

 I felt tears start to fall. I had no idea they were being so mean to Sungjae because of me. Sungjae was literally amazing. There were few words that could describe him well, but his courage and personality were blowing my mind. Few people in this world were like him.

 Donggeun took my hand in his, holding it tightly. He had kept quiet the whole time. He did not really say much. Not at school that is.

 “And seriously? Was it really funny to wrack all of Minhyuk Hyung’s books by putting raw eggs in his locker?” I was completely in shock. “Hyung had to use lots of money to replace all of those books. All that because you found out he was engaged to Kim Sujung? Is it a crime to be in love?!”
 “Ilhoon, you’re being ridiculous,” Jinri sneered, gritting her teeth together. I could see in her whole face that she was ashamed because she knew everything he had said was true. However, I felt awful. All in all, it was my fault. I knew it was.

 “Am I?!” Ilhoon spat. “Donggeun doesn’t really like his place in this class any longer either, and food-poisoning Changsubie Hyung was unnecessary. Are you really doing all these horrible things because of a girl you can’t stand? A girl who never did anything to hurt any of you!”

 I wanted him to stop. I was already paranoid about the panic rising inside of my chest. My head hurt.
 “It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault.” The words repeated themselves over and over in that dark voice I had grown unhealthily familiar with.

 “Choi Jinri, you know she has a panic-disorder, we’ve all known for years, but you still triggered her to the point where she collapsed on her first day of school after finally coming out of the hospital and daring to step outside. YOU WERE ALL ING AWARE!!”

 I could not breathe. I was unsure of what I was feeling. It was somewhat mixed. I was scared, confused and above all ashamed.

 “Donggeun-ah…” I breathed out, not really wanting to grab anyone’s attention; although I knew, I had everyone’s.
 “Yes?” he looked down at me, alarmed.
“I need air-“

 Quickly, Donggeun had a hand supportively around my waist, and helped me out of the classroom. Further down the hall, I could swear I was still feeling their stares bore holes through my back. As we were making our way down the stairs, we ran into our teacher.

 “Oh gosh, Sujung, are you feeling unwell?”
“I’m taking her out for some fresh air and we will be right back,” Donggeun said.
 “Of course! Take your time.”

 Donggeun took me to a bench right outside the door of the school building. I was gasping for air, trying to calm myself down. It felt as if there was a wet cloth over my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breathe, and the voice was still there.

 I knew I had to calm down. I knew what I had to do to calm down, but I was unsure if I could actually manage to calm down.

 I took deep breathes as slowly as I could. Donggeun kept my back lightly as I tried remembering everything Minhyuk used to do and tell me whenever I could not breathe like this.

 After a while, I could breathe more easily than before, but the voice was still there. Fortunately, I could only hear it as a whisper now.

I did go with Donggeun back to class an hour later, and they were all staring at me when I came back inside, but Donggeun kept helping me focus on other things.

 The last two hours of school went by fine, but I could still hear the voice repeating “It’s your fault.” I could not stop thinking of what Ilhoon had said, about how they were hurting the others for being around me. It disgusted me. The part that disgusted me the most was how I had not been aware of anything that had been going on. I could have stopped them.

 The whole rest of the day, I was thinking about those things, and I kept hearing the words, but I kept trying to be fine. I kept trying to get it all out of my head, but it was difficult. More difficult than I could ever imagine. I could not sleep when the night came. I could not sleep even though I had Minhyuk’s protective arms around me.

 “What’s wrong?” he asked, resting his head against my shoulder.
“I thought you were asleep,” I said.
 “No,” he told me, “I have a rule that I should not be sleeping if you’re not sleeping.”
 “That’s a really unnecessary rule to have,” I pointed out. He chuckled lightly.

 “What’s wrong?” he asked again.
 “Why didn’t you tell me they were harassing you guys because of me?” I questioned, sighing.
 “They’re not being like that because of you,” he said, “They’re being like that because they want to, and you’re only their excuse. It’s not your fault.”
 “It’s my fault…” I mumbled, looking down.
“What? No, it’s not. Don’t blame yourself because they’re acting like idiots.”

 “But that’s what they’re saying. ‘It’s your fault’, ‘it’s your fault’, ‘it’s your fault’ over and over again,” I confessed, voice breaking.
 “How long have you heard that?” Minhyuk asked concerned, shifting to lean on his elbow, looking down at me.
 “Since everything happened in class,” I said, feeling ashamed. “Constantly.”
“You should have told me so I could help you, Kitty,” he said, tucking a few strands of my hair behind my ear.

 “I’m sorry-“
“No. You’re not sorry. Don’t apologize,” he told me, “It’s okay. You can shut it out, I know you can!”
 “I’ve been trying all day,” I said, helpless as tears were already falling from my eyes.
 “You can’t get them out because you believe in what they say. You have to tell them they are in the wrong and not you.”

 “But it’s not wrong! It really is my fault-“
“You hear that? You believe in them. You can’t listen to what they’re saying if you want it to go away,” Minhyuk said. “Tell them it’s not your fault.”
 “I can’t-“
“Yes you can! Tell them and they’ll go away, I promise.”
 “No-“
“Try.”

 I swallowed. “It’s not my fault,” I whispered.
“Tell them. They have to hear you clearly.”
 “It’s not my fault,” I said again, a little louder this time. It was not gone yet, though. “Minhyuk, I can’t! It’s not going away!”

 “You can!” he assured me. “Tell them you did nothing wrong.”
“But I have-“
 “No, you have not done anything wrong. You never did anything against them, you never did anything wrong. Now, go on and tell them.”
 “I haven’t done anything wrong,” I said, voice low once again. It felt so wrong saying those words. I felt as if I was lying the biggest lie in history.
 “Believe in yourself. It won’t work unless you believe at least a little in yourself.”

 I tried thinking it over. What if it was not my fault…? “But it is your fault.” I never intended to hurt anyone. “You’re hurting them by living! It’s your fault!” It couldn’t be. I had not done anything to make my life become this way.  It could not be my fault. “You are lying to yourself! Minhyuk is lying to you!” It was not my fault that my father kept beating me for nothing. It was not my fault that I ended up in a hidden asylum. It had nothing to do with me. Not the bullying that kept going for years at school. I never did anything to make sure my life became that way.

 “It’s not my fault, I never did anything wrong,” I said, more confidence in my voice this time.
 “Good!” Minhyuk praised me. “Say it again.”
“It’s not my fault, I never did anything wrong,” I said, for the second time, louder.
 “You’re lying to yourself, and you know it! It’s your fault!”
“No, it’s not my fault. Go away!” I said, shutting my eyes tightly.

 “You don’t want me to go away. You’re only saying that because you know it’s true. You know it’s your fault!”
 “No! I’m not lying. Go away!” I was grabbing my hair in between my fingers, frustrated she just would not leave me.

 “You need me, and you know it!”
“What? No, I don’t need you. I told you to go away. Get out-“
 “You’re going to regret it-“
“Get out!”

 Carefully, after a moment, I opened my eyes, looking at Minhyuk who was wearing a hopeful expression. Everything was silent. It was so silent, I could hear my heart beat, although it was actually going faster than normal.

 “It’s not there,” I said. “I can’t hear anything.”
“There was only one sound of the voice?” Minhyuk asked. I nodded and his lips broke into a sincere smile.

 “I’m so proud of you!” He leaned lower and gave me a kiss on the lips, before wrapping his arms around me. Hugging me tightly. “I knew you could do it!”

*Author’s note*

Long time no see long time no see~ I’m sorry T_T

I’ve been having a hard time and I’ve been sick and to top it all I’ve had the worst writers block EVER!!!

 As you probably can see, I am trying to kick some confidence into Sujung, make her stand up for herself a little. She has to get better now, it’s about time y’kno. She’s struggling quite a lot with the memories of her mother, but that’s probably not weird :/

 The people at her school are nasty, but as you probably also saw, Ilhoon especially is trying to stop that. Sorry for making him use strong language btw… -.-

 Ilhoon’s feeling pretty crappy about himself- why am I only telling you guys things that are obvious???

 ANYWAAAYS!!! I AM SORRY FOR UPDATING AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME tbh I only want to hide in a corner and never show myself again, but that would be unfair u.u

 As I am so sorry, this is a long update. I can’t imagine how bad I would have felt if I wrote only a short update and gave it to you.

 Please tell me what you think tho!! I will try and update sooner this time, I think I’ll be having more time on my computer the next two months at least. I do have quite a lot of exams and tests coming up, but I think I’ll manage it :D

 Subscribe, upvote if you like my fic (that makes me happy) and comment your thoughts~~