(Sujung’s POV)

 I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. I had tried to go back to sleep, but I just could not. The words I had heard in my dream kept replaying themselves inside of my head.

 We’re better off without you. Nobody likes you. You’re just pathetic. Everyone would be pleased if you just died.

 I was not sure of what to do, but I carefully left the room, walking into my own. They had been so kind, they even made the guest-room into my personal bedroom. I kept wondering how hard they must have worked and how worn out they had become from doing it. Because of me, they must be tired.

 All of my medicines were put somewhere I did not know of, but I could feel the urge to have them become stronger and stronger by the second. At the very moment, everything seemed so unfair. They could have made that party for someone who was worth receiving it. Minhyuk could lay beside the most perfect girl in the world at night, but instead, he was stuck with me.

 I started crying. Not that I knew why, I just started crying. I was not pleased to be alive. I had the best possible boyfriend and people around me who took care of me, yet I did not see the point in living. I constantly felt like some sort of unsatisfied bug to all of them.

 I walked over to the window, dragging away the purple curtains, opening it. The cold wind of autumn made my long, black hair blow over my shoulders. The thought of being free like the wind, being able to float unnoticed in the world, only made me cry more. What if I jumped… I would be free just like the wind…

 It was tempting. It really was. I could jump out of the window, like Hyemi had done that night in the hospital. She was gone, and nobody talked of her or said they missed her. I hated myself even more for thinking that I was better off without her. I was better off without her, like Minhyuk was better off without me. He would have the freedom to do whatever he liked. He would not be held back by his psycho girlfriend.

 I closed my eyes, leaning a little closer over the edge to the window. A smile formed around my mouth. Thinking how much better off everyone would be… It made me so happy, but yet so sad. I was sad because I had to be the person who everyone was better off without. I had to restrain myself from letting out any loud sobs by now.

 My fingers held tightly around the edge of the window, and soon, I let go, letting myself fall. But who was I kidding. As my bare feet lost contact with the cold floor, a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist, holding me back.

 “I know what you’re thinking… and it’s not true. I love you.” I could not hold it back anymore. I started sobbing, and there were two reasons to why I did that; 1. The fact that I was not able to succeed annoyed me, and 2. I almost left Minhyuk. Again.

 “I’m sorry,” I choked out as I buried myself in his chest, grabbing his shirt tightly in between my fingers.
 “No, Sweetie, it’s okay. But you have to tell me if there’s anything wrong. It’s really important. I won’t let you kill yourself, and you know that. I don’t care if it makes you frustrated, but as long as I’m around, I won’t let you die.”

 His fingers went softly through my hair, his arms holding me tightly as I calmed down.

 “Let’s go back to bed, huh? It’s 3 in the morning,” Minhyuk said, resting his forehead against mine. “You know we have to get your sleeping pills first, right?”

 He took my hand and started leading me downstairs. I did not say anything, because there was nothing I said that would make any difference.

 “Sit here, and don’t move,” Minhyuk said, seating me on the couch in the living room.
 “What difference does it make if I sit here or if I come with you?” I asked, sniffling slightly as I brought my knees up to my chest.
 “Let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been this easy to save you if you knew where the meds were,” he told me, suddenly more serious. I knew what he meant, though. He was scared I would overdose on them.

 “You’re not hearing anything now?” I shook my head. “Seeing anything?” I shook my head again. “Okay… stay here. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
 “I won’t.”

As he left, I leaned my head back against the couch. Tears were starting to fall again, this time because I had disappointed him. And he was so scared I would try again.

 Suddenly, I felt soft fur against my hand.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish, Hyukkie, I won’t leave you like that,” I told the little kitten as I took him in my hands. I had had him for a week now. He was such a mysterious little kitten. He was not the playful kind, though, he would come to me and keep me company, and it was like he could sense when I was sad, because he would always come and rub his fur against me when I was crying.

 But there was one thing I had especially noticed. When I cried, one of his blue eyes, the right one, would turn orange during the time I felt sad. I had not dared to speak of it, because I was scared it was only I who could see it, but I had to ask someone if they could see it, just to make sure I was not alone.

 “Here.” I put Hyukkie down, taking my medicines and swallowing them with a glass of water.
 “Minhyuk-ah?”
“Hm?” He sat down beside of me.
 “Look at Hyukkie’s eyes.”

 He took the kitten up in his hands, holding it before him. “Why are his eyes like that?”
 “I don’t know… they get like that when I cry,” I confessed.
“That’s a little freaky, don’t you think? Is it scaring you? I can get another one if you want-“
 “No! He is perfect! I love the cat. Don’t take him away,” I said, taking Hyukkie out of his hands, bringing him to my chest. “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, after you of course.”

“You’re so sweet.” Minhyuk pecked my cheek, taking an arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer. Feeling tired, I leaned my head against his shoulder, falling asleep in his arms with Hyukkie on my lap.

-

The next morning, I woke up with Hyukkie to my left, and Minhyuk to my right. I took a glance at the clock on the nightstand, and judging by the time and date, Minhyuk was supposed to be at school, but instead he was lying beside of me, propped up on one elbow as he dragged his fingers carefully through my hair.

 “Shouldn’t you be at school?” I asked, looking up at him.
“I won’t go today, we don’t really have any special things going on anyway,” he said, smiling softly.

 “How are you feeling?”
“Fine… I think.” I had just woken up, it was not very easy to tell anyone how I was feeling without being able to feel it for myself first.
 “You do realise you don’t have to stay home because of me?”
“I think we both know I should, Kitty.”

 “I don’t want you to be unable to go to school just because of me…” I said, rolling over on my stomach.
 “I’m not, and you know that,” he assured me, “I just want to make sure that I can be there for you if you need me.”

 I felt my face turn slightly hot as tears started to form in my eyes. I felt awful. I could pretend I was fine, but I wasn’t. The feeling, that I bothered the life out of him, was constantly felt. He always worried about me. I made everything hard on him.

 “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Minhyuk asked concerned.
“I feel so horrible for stressing you out!” I confessed, crying. “You can’t even imagine how it is to live when you know that no matter what, you’ll only be bothering someone!”
 “I do everything for you, Kim Sujung. If there’s something making you uncomfortable, and I have the power to change that, I will. I keep doing all I can to keep you safe, but you can’t even stay alive for me? You can’t do that one simple thing?!”

 “I’m sorry!” I choked, grabbing my hair in frustration. I wanted to scream. He was right. He did everything for me. He gave me the whole world. Why could I not appreciate it enough to fulfil his one wish?

 “I don’t know why I keep wanting to kill myself, I really don’t… I just get so messed up inside, and I have nightmares, and I can hear my mother all the time!”

 “If you ever want to let go of the memories of your mother, you have to tell me what happened. What she’s telling you and what she does in your dreams. You can’t get over it if you don’t talk about it. You have to wake up.”

 He was right. I had to confront my problems and wake up. I could not kill myself, I knew I should not do that. And I had to stop thinking it was only a one-time-thing, because it was not.

 “Sujungie, let’s go for a walk. There is something I want to show you,” Minhyuk said, smiling softly as I came to wrap my arms around him, giving all my thankfulness into that hug.

-

 He led me to a park not too far away from the house. I don’t know why he took me to a place so close, maybe he was scared I might become tired and faint, but it was still nice, walking hand in hand, talking about something that was not about me and all my problems, eating some buns as we did.

 We sat down on a bench in the middle of the park, not too far away from a fountain. I rested my head against his shoulder, holding his hand in both of mine tightly.

 “Kitty, can you let go of my hand for a moment?” Minhyuk asked. I did let go, although I did not really want to. Suddenly he moved, standing up from the bench just to get down on one knee in front of me.
 “Stand up, your clothes will become dirty,” I said uneasy, hoping he was not doing what I thought he was about to do.

 “I don’t mind it when it’s for you,” he said, smiling at me gently as he took a small box out of his pocket. He held it in his hand for a few seconds, as if he was checking that it was the right box before opening it, showing me a beautiful diamond ring.

 That was when the tears came streaming down my cheeks.

“Kim Sujung,” he started, “You are the most beautiful and kind person I know, and you mean the world to me. I don’t know where I would have been right now if it wasn’t for you. I want to stay by your side forever and take care of you and make sure you’re okay. I want to struggle with you when you’re having a hard time. To make sure I can help you become happy and healthy, I have one request; will you marry me?”

 “Minhyuk, stop this. You don’t want to marry me…” I mumbled, looking at him through tearful eyes.
 “If I didn’t want to marry you, why else would I stand before you, on one knee, with a ring in my hand?” he chuckled, the smile never disappearing. He was always so confident.

 “I can’t have your kids,” I told him, my voice breaking. “I don’t want your children to be sick only because I am their mother. They’ll be bullied and it will all be my fault-“
 “But, Kitty, I’m not marrying you just to get you pregnant!” He laughed slightly in disbelief. “I’m doing it because it’s what I want; to be with you and have you be mine, forever.” I looked down at the confident and smiling boy in front of me, not saying anything as tears kept falling. I did not want to ruin his future. But this was exactly what I wanted as well…

 “Kim Sujung. Will you marry me?” he asked again, looking deeply into my eyes. I bit my lower lip slightly, nodding my head shyly. Minhyuk was instantly smiling the most huge and bright smile I had ever seen on him as he took the ring out of the box and placed it on my finger. It fit perfectly and it looked just wonderful.

 “I love you so much!” he exclaimed, cupping my face with both of his hands, giving me a loving kiss.
 “I love you too,” I said, finding myself smiling as well. The tears had stopped and the moment was so beautiful. I would never want it to end.

 The whole day, I kept my eyes on the ring, and I did the same thing the next day.
 “I see you’re quite fond of that ring,” Daehyun said, sitting down beside of me on the couch. I nodded, smiling down at it. No words could describe how much it meant to me.  

 “From Monday, I think it’ll be good if you start going to school again,” she said. My smile faded slightly. I did not feel ready for school yet. I was not ready to take the big step and go outside again. “I know you think it’s better this way, but you can’t isolate yourself inside of this house anymore. It’s better if you go outside and see that there isn’t really anything to be afraid of.”

 “It’s been more than a year since I went there last time… what if they think I’m even weirder now than before?” My voice was small. I was so scared of what the other kids at school would think of me when I came back.
 “Darling, I don’t think anyone will think you’re weird,” Daehyun said. “Even if anyone does something bad to you, I know you have someone to count on that will be there. I don’t think they’ll leave you alone.” I knew she was hinting towards Minhyuk and his friends, who I more or less could call my own friends by now, but I did not, because the word ‘friends’ was so distant and awkward to me.

 “I’m scared… I don’t want to go there,” I confessed, looking down at my lap.
 “I know, but you have to get used to being outside again. For your own good.” I knew she was right, I just had a bad feeling about it.

 “I am really sorry I haven’t been around much, work has been very hectic,” she started, “But I promise to take more time and come home more often. You know you can talk to me, and I know you need someone to talk to, so just grab any opportunity and talk to me if you need it, okay?” I simply just nodded. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t make me seem awfully strange.

 There was a moment of silence after that. It was like she wanted me to just speak briefly about my thoughts and troubles there and then. But it seemed as she understood that I would not, so she was, again, the first person to speak.

 “Listen; I know you tried to kill yourself again,” she took my hand in hers, “please tell me why you don’t want to live Sujung. Please let me help you.” I bit my lower lip, not daring to look her in the eyes as I hesitated to give an answer.
 “I just feel like such a burden…” I told her. “But I’ve come to realise that… I’m much more of a burden if I continue like this…”

 Daehyun gave me a sad smile. “You are no burden to us. We all love you and we want you to be happy. I just wish you could see how wonderful you are. Maybe things wouldn’t feel as bad if you did.”

 “It feels weird… having someone around that actually cares about me…” I muttered, letting out a shaky chuckle. “Eomma always used to make me feel like I was worth something, but when she died-“ I could not carry on the sentence, I just ended up crying. It hurt so much. Not having her around. Losing her. Losing everything.

 Daehyun took her arms around me, letting me cry as she carefully patted my back.
 “I know it’s hard sweetheart, but just tell me, or Minhyuk or anyone, if you’re having bad thoughts or if something is wrong. We don’t want to lose you, it’s the last thing any of us want, and I know Minhyuk would be devastated. Just let us help you, okay?” I nodded, drying away the tears that only kept running down my cheeks.

(Minhyuk’s POV)

I felt the bed shift, but as I was tired, I did not give much thought into it and kept my eyes shut. But as some time passed, I could not shake that uneasy feeling off. Something was wrong.

 Too tired to actually think straight, I turned to lay on my other side, moving my arms to grab onto Sujung and hold her close- and that was when I noticed it. Sujung was not there.

 Suddenly wide awake, I quickly sat up, checking the clock, heart speeding up it’s pace. The door was open. For a moment, I calmed down, leaning against the wall, thinking she might only have went to the bathroom. But I wasn’t relaxed for long. What if she was not only going to the bathroom?

 Sighing in uneasiness, I decided to go check if she was okay. Exiting my room and walking out to the hall, the first thing I noticed was the door to Sujung’s bedroom was slightly open. Not thinking twice I made my way inside, and there she was, hovering over the window, feet barely touching the ground.

 I quickly walked over to her, closing my arms around her.
 “I know what you’re thinking… and it’s not true. I love you.” I told her, dragging her a little further away from the window.
 “I’m sorry.” She choked as she turned herself around and buried her face in my chest.

 “No, Sweetie, it’s okay. But you have to tell me if there’s anything wrong. It’s really important. I won’t let you kill yourself, and you know that. I don’t care if it makes you frustrated, but as long as I’m around, I won’t let you die.” I told her, holding her close and brushing my fingers through her long and silky hair, helping her calm herself.

 “Let’s go back to bed, huh? It’s 3 in the morning,” I said, resting my forehead against hers. “You know we have to get your sleeping pills first, right?”

 She didn’t reply, but I took her hand in mine and led her downstairs. I knew she hated them, but I also knew I had to give them to her after something like this happened.

 “Sit here, and don’t move,” I told her, seating her in the couch.
“What difference does it make if I sit here or if I come with you?” she asked, sniffling.
 “Let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been this easy to save you if you knew where the meds were.” I didn’t mean to sound so hard and serious, but I wanted her to understand. I was so scared she would overdose, it was impossible to describe.

 “You’re not hearing anything now?” She shook her head. “Seeing anything?” She shook her head again. “Okay… stay here. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
 “I won’t.”

Carrying that uneasy feeling of her not being there when I came back, I went into the kitchen to find her medications in one of the cabinets. Two for sleep and another to calm her nerves. 

“Here.” I handed her the medications with a glass of water and she put down the cat she was holding in her hands, taking them obediently.

 “Minhyuk-ah?” she called out when she had swallowed
“Hm?” I sat down beside of her.
 “Look at Hyukkie’s eyes.” I picked up the kitten in my hands, holding him before me, noticing how one of his usually blue eyes had turned clear orange.
 “Why are his eyes like that?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

 “I don’t know… they get like that when I cry,” she said.
“That’s a little freaky, don’t you think? Is it scaring you? I can get another one if you want-“
 “No! He is perfect!” she cut me off, taking Hyukkie away from me. “I love the cat. Don’t take him away. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, after you of course.” A smile formed around my lips when she said that.

 “You’re so sweet,” I told her, pecking her cheek as I brought her closer and let her rest against me. With Hyukkie in her lap, she fell asleep rather quickly… and that was when I broke. Tears spilled and I couldn’t help it. They just kept coming.

 I leaned my forehead against her, holding onto her as I kept repeating that I loved her, that she meant the world to me. And I kept doing it for a long time, even though I knew she could not hear me due to the strong effect of the sleeping pills.

 I carried her upstairs after maybe an hour had passed, tears still dripping and Hyukkie quietly following behind.

 I tucked her in on my bed, just managing to make my way downstairs after doing so to have a glass of water, and to my big surprise, I found Eomma standing there, coat on and what seemed to be a letter in her hand.

 “Oh my gosh, Minhyuk what’s wrong?” she asked concerned, immediately putting down the letter and came to cup my still crying face.
 “It’s just- Sujung- She keeps trying to kill herself! I don’t know what to do!” I told her, breaking once again.

 Eomma took her arms around me, sighing slightly.
“She tried to jump out of the window,” I said, clinging onto her coat like a little child.
 “It’s okay Minhyukie, she didn’t make it, it’s okay now,” she said, running her fingers through my hair.

 “What if she ever succeeds?! What if she actually does it one day! What if she actually kills herself! Eomma, what am I to do then?!” I cried out.
 “Shh, that won’t happen,” Eomma assured me. But I wasn’t too sure about that any more. It felt as if she would keep trying until she finally made it.

 “I promise I’ll be home more from now on, Minhyuk, I really do. I’ve talked with your father too, and he’s going to come home for some time as well-“
 “What difference does it make?! If she has even more people around to feel insecure about, how will she ever get better?!”

 I was so angry for everything that had happened. Appa had not talked to me or shown his face once during the past three years. He had been busy in Australia with working on a big cruise. I knew he did it because he earned lots of money doing it, and he wanted us to live the best way possible, but I didn’t want to introduce Sujung to anyone unfamiliar. I did not want her condition to worsen.

 “Listen Sweetheart; you can’t isolate her. She needs to go out more and become used to people again. Keeping her inside here will only make everything worse,” Eomma said, not raising her voice the slightest, as I thought she was going to do. I did yell in her face after all. I just couldn’t help it.

 I stepped away from her, drying away all the tears I had let down my cheeks, that I still had no power to control.
 “You can’t keep her away from every single problem like this. She has to learn how to stand up for herself-“
 “Don’t you understand anything?!” I shouted. “Whenever she’s alone somewhere uncomfortable, she has a panic attack! She can’t breathe! What the hell is it you don’t understand?! SHE NEEDS ME!!”
 “Watch your language now-“

“I don’t care! I’m sorry, but right now, I really don’t care! You haven’t been here, you don’t know what she needs!”
 “Let’s not forget that I used to work with these-“
“NO! I don’t want to hear it, okay?! Just- I can’t lose her. Don’t take her away from me. Don’t send her back to any hospital that you think can take care of her. It doesn’t work, and you know it.”

 If she was going to talk about how she ‘worked with kids who had terrible psychological struggles’, I knew she was also talking about how she worked at a hospital where the kids were sent to ‘get better’. But I knew that wouldn’t help Sujung. I was living proof of it. And I knew it wouldn’t help me either. It would destroy me if she was sent away.

 Not wanting to drag this any further, I quietly left Eomma at the kitchen and made my way back up to my bedroom, crawling onto the bed to lay beside of Sujung. Hyukkie was lying in a ball on top of her stomach, raising up and down carefully as she did. Which made me happy, because it meant she was still breathing.

 I did not sleep after that. I just laid there, her hair, looking at how peaceful and at ease she looked while she slept.

-

 “Hyung, are you okay? You haven’t as much as touched your food yet,” Hyunsik pointed out, shoving me slightly in the shoulder.
 “What?” I asked confused.
“You’ve been off lately.”
 “Oh… I just have a lot on my mind, nothing to worry about,” I told him, showing some kimchi into my mouth. Surprisingly, it was already cold by now.

 “What’s bothering you?” he asked.
I sighed. “Sujung is just having a hard time lately…”
 “She tried to kill herself again, didn’t she?”
I sighed again. “Yeah… It just hurts to see her get worse and worse you know? I don’t even know what to do to help her any more…”
 “Maybe she just needs to go out more,” he suggested, “Hasn’t she been staying inside the house ever since she got out from that place?”

 Seeing how even Hyunsik said she might need to go out more, I started considering it.

“She could come with us and the other guys. She already know all of us, it shouldn’t be too difficult, right?”
 “You know what, let’s do that!” I said, “Let’s go out for dinner and maybe see a movie or something afterwards!”

 “You talk to Sungjae, Donggeun and Eunkwangie Hyung and I’ll talk to Changsub and Ilhoon, and we’ll go around… 6 pm?”
 “Sure thing,” I said. “I should ask Sungjae if his sister can join, she knows Sujung.”
 “We are talking about Sungmi right?” Hyunsik asked.
“Yes,” I replied.

 None of us knew much about Sungmi. Sungjae had not spoken of her much. All we knew was that she was getting help and was learning basic things as writing and reading and math and that she was safe and was receiving all the help she needed.

-

 “Sujung-ah, go take a shower,” I said, sitting down beside of her on the couch where she was reading a book, keeping a sleeping Hyukkie on her lap “Why?” she asked, looking slightly annoyed.
“We’re going out with the guys for dinner,” I told her, smiling gently.
 “But I showered this morning…” she said.
“Really?” She nodded her head. “Well, then you don’t have to shower. Let’s go for a walk,” I said, deciding for the both of us.

 “Minhyuk, I don’t really feel like doing anything today…” she told me, putting away her book to pet Hyukkie.
 “But I told them you’re coming, and it was all Hyunsik’s idea and he really wants you to come with us,” I told her, pouting.
 “He does?” She looked at me weirdly.
“Of course he does!” I said. “He hasn’t seen you in forever, neither has the others! They’ll be sad if you don’t come.”

 “Well… fine,” she said, smiling a rather weak smile. “I’ll come with you.”
I smiled back at her. “It makes me glad,” I said. “It’ll be fun! I promise.”

*Author’s note*

God I took so long, I’m scared to even update right now D:
I also know this chapter is lame, but the next will be better

 and I will give you the next chapter REAL soon, within the next 3 days, maybe even within the next 24 hours, because this chapter and chapter 21 were originally one chapter, but it ended up as 10 000+ words, and I was like “No one is going to read the whole chapter when it’s so damn long,” so I decided to make it two chapters.

 This is probably a really boring part you probably don’t care to read, but the reason why I haven’t updated is because I had the worst writers block EVER and in addition to that, I became depressed again  so all I’ve been doing lately (The past month and a half) is laying on the floor on my bedroom and listen to music.

 SO YEAH next chapter is soon up, and that is nothing I am just saying!! Please have faith in me :DD

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