It was the morning of the first day back at school and Nam Soon just wanted to hide under his covers and never come out again; something he hadn’t wanted to do since he was a young child. He didn’t care how pitifully childish it was though, because going to school meant facing Heung Soo, who he hadn’t seen in a week, not since he basically came out as gay and heavily implied he wanted Nam Soon ually.

He didn’t know what to do. Heung Soo had put him in a position he couldn’t run from or ignore until it went away. He couldn’t unhear it no matter how much he wished to.

He pulled a pillow over his face and groaned. He had to get out of bed. He’d decided he wanted to graduate and missing the first day of his final year, even if he did plan on sleeping through it, wasn’t a good start. He should get up, get dressed, head to school and… and what, pretend Heung Soo was invisible? For how long? Until school ended for good? It was hopeless, he couldn’t do that, and even if he could he didn’t want to. There was really no other option but to man up and tell Heung Soo that nothing was going to change between them.

He forced himself to get up, get showered and dressed and head to school (skipping breakfast since he really didn’t feel like eating when his stomach felt like it was training for Olympics gymnastics).

Surprisingly, he wasn’t the last to arrive as he usually was; the class was only half full. Ha Kyung and Min Ki were sat next to each other on the front row, both already with their books out studying, though they paused long enough to wave hello. Ji Hoon was sat at the back, also with a book out, and that meant Yi Kyung would be coming to school too, which Nam Soon was glad to see. They hadn’t left with Jung Ho after all. Eun Hye and some of her friends were in the middle on the corridor side like the previous year, but they ignored Nam Soon and Nam Soon in turn ignored them. He spotted Young Woo near the back, the boy standing up and waving him over with a bright smile, glasses falling a little way down his nose. Nam Soon grinned back and headed over, taking the seat next to him.

“Hi Nam Soon hyung,” Young Woo greeted. “I m-missed you over the break.”

He blushed a little at his own words but Nam Soon just smiled at him, he’d rather missed Young Woo’s awkwardness and stuttering; it was endearing and so different to the personalities of the people Nam Soon had surrounded himself with throughout his life. An innocence Nam Soon never had.

“Me too, Young Woo-ya,” he said. He noticed a book on Young Woo’s desk and nodded towards it. “What’s that?”

“Oh,” the boy said, looking at the book as though he’d forgotten it was there. “It’s a p-poetry book. I really like them, so my mum b-bought it for me.”

Nam Soon nodded, it was nice that Young Woo had found something he really loved.

“How is Heung Soo-ssi?”

The question was asked as honestly as Young Woo always was; generally interested in others well-being, but Nam Soon’s heart fell; for a few minutes he’d forgotten about Heung Soo. The other boy could walk in at any moment and he still had no idea how he was going to face him. He wasn’t a girl. He looked like you. The words rang in his ears like a bad aftertaste he just couldn’t get rid of.

Young Woo must have seen the look on his face because a moment later he was stuttering an apology. “S-sorry, Nam Soon hyung. D-did you get in a f-fight again?”

“Sort of,” Nam Soon said. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Young Woo agreed, “b-but I w-would like to say one thing. I think you should make up. I know it’s not really my p-place to say this, but you never seemed happy until Heung Soo tr-transferred here.”

He said it so simply, with such innocence, like a young child that it struck Nam Soon much harder than if it’d been shouted into his ear.

Young Woo was right. In those years without Heung Soo he’d just drifted though life like it wasn’t real, as though it was all a show he only had the vaguest interest in he was watching from the sidelines. In school he’d sleep, keep away from his peers and do an all round job of being invisible; unseen by the popular kids, the bullies and the serious students alike.

He’d never even realised how hollow he’d felt until Heung Soo caught Jung Ho’s wrist that day. Seeing Heung Soo again gave him a rush of emotions that overwhelmed him; happiness, fear, regret and so many more he couldn’t even put a name too. It hit him like a wave in a stormy sea hitting a cliff face, with so much force it was a wonder his didn’t shatter into a thousand little pieces.

Going back to being like that was what he was trying to avoid. He needed to stop stressing and talk with Heung Soo. If he wasn’t careful, what they had now would be ruined.

“Yeah,” he said aloud, turning his attention back to Young Woo. “You’re right. Listen, I’m gonna go wait for Heung Soo outside, I’ll see you later okay?”

Young Woo simply nodded, so Nam Soon got up and headed for the door.

 “Where are you going?” Min Ki called, “class will start soon!”

“I’ll be back.” He promised, then left, hurrying down the corridor, out the school building and to the gates.

Students were still entering and he scanned them all for Heung Soo but saw no sign of him. The minutes ticked away and the flow of students ebbed to just one at a time rushing along before they were late. Nam Soon began to get anxious, was Heung Soo coming? The gate would be locked any minute now. Then he saw him, the bastard was strolling along, hands in his pockets, like he had all the time in the world. Nam Soon walked out onto the street and towards Heung Soo, who stopped when he saw him. Nam Soon however didn’t pause; he grabbed hold of Heung Soo’s arm and began leading him down the street. “We need to talk,” is all he said. Heung Soo said nothing, just allowed Nam Soon to pull him along.

They walked for a few minutes until they reached a little ally between two buildings where they wouldn’t be interrupted.

Nam Soon tried to bring the right words to his mind, but he couldn’t think how to start this conversation. This is what he’s been trying so hard to avoid. The friendship between them could potentially end today, stood in this ty little ally. He looked at Heung Soo, hoping he’d start this dreaded talk, after all they were currently in this mess because of him, because Heung Soo could never just keep his… feelings (and Nam Soon still didn’t want to think about the full meaning of that word, despite the fact he was going to have to) to himself. Heung Soo should be the one fretting, terrified that everything will come crashing down around them, but he just stared back at Nam Soon blankly, waiting for him to begin. No help from him then. Fine, Nam Soon could do this. He’d just have to be blunt and plough ahead.

“What was that, last week?”

Heung Soo stayed silent for a moment, then the blank look left his face, apprehension obvious in the way he sighed and his shoulders dropped. “Which bit?” He sounded resigned, but that didn’t sway Nam Soon, they had to get through this so they could put it behind them.

“Are you gay?”

“Yes.”

There was no hesitation in Heung Soo’s voice; although his body language hadn’t changed, his answer was immediate and confident. There was no grasping for words, no stutter as he tried to answer, no denial. And that shocked Nam Soon, because that meant that this wasn’t a new thought to Heung Soo, this is something he’s known for a long time and come to terms with.

This wasn’t the answer that Nam Soon had wanted, but it was the one he was expecting to get (though admittedly, he thought it’d be harder getting that confession).  Heung Soo is attracted to men. There were no what if’s, no second guessing if he really meant last week, if it was some weird joke; Heung Soo is gay.

“What – how -” Nam Soon pulled himself together as best as he could. He could have a freak out later. He had to work though this first, so he pushed everything to the back of his mind and forced himself to concentrate only on what’s important; the brittle friendship that was waiting to smash into a million tiny pieces at any wrong action. “How long have you known?”

“Since you left me,” Heung Soo replied, voice quite but still sure. “After you were gone, I realised how much I missed you, that you were more than just a friend to me.”

Nam Soon took a deep breath. That long? He didn’t know what to do. For Nam Soon this right here, this impossible situation, had been building up since last week, heck, for a few weeks; ever since the warehouse when Heung Soo looked at him so strangely after falling on him, when Nam Soon wouldn’t let him speak. He knew now this is where the conversation would have gone. Heung Soo would have confessed in some way, and Nam Soon… he didn’t know what he’d have done. Run away still maybe… certainly deny it. He wanted to deny it now; he’d only had a week to try to think this situation through, it wasn’t long enough.

But Heung Soo had over three years to work through this. He’d spent three years going over this, he must have done, he couldn’t have just settled into the knowledge like it was easy. Did Heung Soo feel then how Nam Soon does now?

It was all so confusing, he just couldn’t wrap his head around it all.

But Heung Soo’s answer led him on to his second important question, and they’d come too far now to stop.

“You like me? In a ual way?”

The silence stretched out and Nam Soon waited, waited for a denial he knew wasn’t coming. All he would get was another yes in that same sure tone. Heung Soo would say yes and then they could never go back to what they had. This was the moment it all came crashing down.

Heung Soo finally replied, and it was with that confidence but it was spoken softly, almost gently as if the words themselves could cut like knives, but his answer wasn’t yes. Heung Soo didn’t say ‘yes’, he instead said something far more damaging, something Nam Soon hadn’t even entertained the possibility of because it was so absurd. “You like me too.”

“What?” Nam Soon blinked, sure that he’d somehow misheard because Heung Soo didn’t just say that. He couldn’t have, because it was ridiculous. It wasn’t… he would never… It just wasn’t true, so far from the truth, and so why did his breath hitch in his throat? Why did his heart miss a beat and why were he palms suddenly so moist?

Heung Soo stepped forwards and he reached out for Nam Soon (his arm? His wrist? His hand?) but Nam Soon pulled back out of his reach. He just… he didn’t want Heung Soo touching him right now. Heung Soo had this all wrong, so wrong. He was looking to see what he felt in return and it just wasn’t there.

Nam Soon was tense, not sure if Heung Soo would reach for him again, but after a brief hesitation in which his hand was left suspended in the air, Heung Soo pulled his arm back and straightened up.

“You’re not an idiot Nam Soon-ah. Think about it. You already know you like me, denying it won’t protect you. It won’t protect us. Just… think about it. Please.”

And then he was gone, brushing past Nam Soon without another word.

Stood alone in that ally, with only the sounds of cars rushing by for company, Nam Soon felt weak; physically and mentally. He had no strength in his legs and he crumpled to the floor, brining his knees up near his chest and tears came unbidden to his eyes.

He didn’t like Heung Soo. He didn’t.