“Come on,” Nam Soon said, holding out a jacket to Heung Soo. “We’re going out.”

“You’ve got work today,” Heung Soo grumbled, but he took the jacket anyway, dropping it onto his lap as soon as Nam Soon let it go.

“I already called in sick,” Nam Soon waved the excuse off. “So get up and get your shoes on.” Heung Soo stayed seated and Nam Soon gave him a little shove to get him moving. “Any time now would be good.”

“I don’t wanna go out,” he argued, not budging.

“Tough , you’re gonna anyway,” Nam Soon replied and gave him a harder shove, successfully getting him on his feet. He scowled when the jacket fell from his lap to the floor, but it wasn’t really that he was annoyed at. “You need to cheer up a bit, you’re not gonna do that moping around in the dark.”

Heung Soo gave a pointed look to the window, curtains drawn back, allowing strong beams of sunlight to brighten up the entire room with in a soft warmth. “I’m not moping in the dark.”

Nam Soon raised a brow. “Fine, moping in the light. Now get the up before I kick you out of this damn house.” And he seriously would, he can deal with Heung Soo not being as affectionate with him as he was before this situation with his sister, but he wasn’t going to allow him to drive himself into depression over it. He will get him to have some fun, even if he has to kick him to get him moving.

“Can’t, we’re not in a house; we’re in a flat.”

Nam Soon kicked him.

“Annoying bastard,” Heung Soo glowered, rubbing his no doubt bruised arse, but it got him moving; reaching down to snatch up the jacket and heading over to the door to get his shoes, so Nam Soon coincided it a small victory and followed him.

They were outside in a matter of minutes, a strong chilly breeze having them zip up their jackets to keep out the invading cold as they trudged down the street.

Heung Soo shot him a look of indignation, as if to say ‘See, we should have just stayed in. Bastard.’ But Nam Soon resolutely ignored him, even if inside he did regret it a little, especially when the tip of his nose began to redden from the cold wind.

However, Heung Soo said nothing out loud, and so Nam Soon didn’t need to defend himself. He was doing this for Heung Soo’s benefit.

Nam Soon cupped his hands and breathed hot air into them, his fingers feeling a little stiff from the chill. “We’ll get the bus, go to that new arcade.”

Heung Soo hummed, shoving his own hands in his pockets, and Nam Soon took it as approval.

They had to wait around ten minutes for the bus, and Nam Soon spent the time trying to tell himself he wasn’t getting colder the longer he stayed still. It didn’t work. But then, to his mild surprise, Heung Soo stepped closer, their shoulders knocking together and suddenly the cold didn’t matter. He shot him a radiant smile, the invading chill no longer bothering him with Heung Soo right there. He leaned into him, happy to have him so close. He took a deep breath and inhaled Heung Soo’s unique scent.

He wondered what it’d be like to just take Heung Soo’s hand out in the open. To entwine their fingers together and have nobody pay them the slightest bit of attention. To be open with their relationship with no worry as to how they’d be treated because of it.

He wanted to hold Heung Soo’s hand. It was such a simple thing, something people barely even noticed unless it was their hand being held. Or if it was two people of the same gender holding hands. People always noticed that, their eyes zeroed in on it; a strange anomaly that even if they weren’t homophobic they still couldn’t help but see as different.

‘Different’; that was an odd word. When Nam Soon’s mum had been sober and in her right mind she would sometimes tell him that it was good to be different, to crave out your own little piece of the world and not just follow the crowd. Everybody liked to think that they were different, that their little quirks set them apart from others, made them individuals; unique. But when faced with cold, hard reality, you quickly realise that people don’t like different. People don’t understand people who don’t think, don’t act, like them. It’s strange, it’s unknown, and that makes it threatening. People don’t like what they can’t understand, and when they can’t understand something they can get angry, and when they get angry, they can get violent. Nam Soon knows this all too well. He’s spent most of his life angry because he didn’t understand; as a child he didn’t understand all the alcohol in the house, or why his parents would come home stumbling and loud and getting the two simple syllables of his name mixed up. He didn’t understand why his mum had to die and his dad had to forget him, not just his name. So he’d acted out, his anger needed a release from the confusion, from the lack of knowing, and he found it in violence; with blood on his fists and broken bones.

Nam Soon and Heung Soo are different, and that would make people angry. It would make some people violent.

But… he wants to hold Heung Soo’s hand.

He doesn’t.

He spots the bus coming down the street and straightens up, takes a step forward; closer to the approaching bus, further away from Heung Soo. He doesn’t look at him again until they’re seated side by side, behind a couple – a straight couple – who were laughing over something, the woman’s arms wrapped around her boyfriend’s side in an open display of affection.

He glanced over to see Heung Soo: who’d slouched back in his seat, perceptive eyes on the couple in front of them. He didn’t doubt that he was thinking exactly the same thing he was; it wasn’t fair. He still wanted to hold his hand.

He held back a sigh. This outing was meant to be about relaxing Heung Soo, getting that intimacy back between them, but here Nam Soon was thinking about how they can’t be like that. It was like some cruel joke the universe was playing, and Nam Soon had no choice in the rules.

When they got off the bus fifteen minutes later he couldn’t help feeling a little subdued, but he reminded himself he was out to have fun with Heung Soo, so he pushed the feeling aside as best he could and grinned at his boyfriend. And really, how could he not smile seeing that handsome face?

“Come on, bastard, I need to beat you at that new shooting game.”

“You’ve never beaten me at any shooting game.”

“Filthy lies,” Nam Soon lied himself, both knowing just how much he really at them.

“Yeah? Let’s put that to a test,” Heung Soo grinned, heading off in the direction of the arcade, hands causally in his jacket pockets, not waiting for Nam Soon.

“I’ll beat you this time,” he swore, chasing after him. He had to at some point, right?

“Would you bet on it?” Heung Soo grinned, eyes shining with mirth.

“…No,” Nam Soon reluctantly admitted.

Heung Soo chuckled, and Nam Soon dodged the arm that shot out to ruffle his hair. He glared playfully back and pulled Heung Soo into a headlock. He blew into his ear and Heung Soo shot away out of his grasp, finger going in his ear and scratching while he pulled a face.

“Not funny, bastard.”

Nam Soon laughed, what was he just thinking about Heung Soo being handsome, because he looked pretty damn stupid right now and he didn’t hesitate in telling Heung Soo so.

In response Heung Soo made a sign with his hand he probably shouldn’t have, given that a few kids were passing by. It earned him a dirty look from the children’s mother. Nam Soon’s hand flew to his mouth to cover his laugh, but it didn’t work to well and he found himself of the receiving end of that look.

Rather than apologise, it just made him laugh harder, Heung Soo joining in, and the woman shepherded her kids away muttering about the disgrace of today’s youth. It didn’t bother either of them in the slightest, they’d been getting looks like that from strangers since they were tearaway kids in scruffy trainers and clothes too small for their rapidly changing heights.

Nam Soon and Heung Soo headed for the arcade in higher spirits, and when they got there they managed to blow 35,000 won between them in half an hour. Mostly because Nam Soon kept dying. Though if anyone ever asked, he’d deny it until his tongue became numb.

“You really are terrible,” Heung Soo said, digging in his pockets to try to find any extra change but coming up with only lint and fluff. He’d just beaten Nam Soon ten times in a row at the newest game, and it only went on that long because Nam Soon insisted he’d win next time. He never did, and both were burning through money they shouldn’t be wasting. “I’d seriously forgotten that you this much.”

“It’s not my fault,” Nam Soon defended his gaming dignity. “It’s because I’m so awesome at real fighting, and it wouldn’t be fair to the world if I was good at virtual fighting too.”

Heung Soo gave him a look, the one you give a kid who everyone knows is stupid but the kid themselves. “That’s a really lame excuse. Just admit you’re at computer games.”

“Never,” Nam Soon defied, pride wounded. “You’re just freaky at them.”

“Freaky good,” Heung Soo boasted.

“But I can be freaky in other ways.” Nam Soon gave him a lecherous smirk, slinking up to him, close enough so Heung Soo could feel his warm breath on his cheek.

Heung Soo flushed a light red and stepped back. “Yah, don’t act like that here.” There was no heat to his rough voice, though Nam Soon was sure he’d intended for there to be. Rather than angry, Nam Soon was smug to hear arousal in his gruffer-than-usual words.

He grinned triumphantly at the response and stepped back. “No one can see us.”

“Someone could come, just… be careful, okay?” Heung Soo said, voice back to his normal tone now Nam Soon wasn’t in his personal space.

Nam Soon humphed, disappointed. “You’re just mad I won the argument.” Though he guessed Heung Soo was right, it was a pretty dumb thing to do. But it’s not like they even touched. And he’d spoken lowly; someone would have had to have been very close to have heard him.

Heung Soo narrowed his eyes. “Won? In what way does being sleazy mean you’re not useless at games?”

Nam Soon didn’t have an answer for that, and so changed the subject instead. “I’ve still got a little money left. Wanna skip dinner and get a comic? Cause I do.”

“Not particularly.”

“Good. Cause there’s this new one out that I’ve heard good things about,” Nam Soo said, choosing to ignore Heung Soo’s reply in favour of his own.

Heung Soo rolled his eyes, but Nam Soon knew he’d follow, and so he led the way out of the arcade (cursing the damn place and it’s vendetta against him – it must somehow know about all the arcade machines he’s smashed in the past) and down a few streets. It was still cold out and they stayed close together, hoping for a little extra warmth.

Another ten minutes walk from the comic shop, Nam Soon noticed Heung Soo was no longer by his side. He looked around and saw Heung Soo stood by a café, looking at something taped to the widow. Walking over he saw it was a ‘hiring’ sign. “Thinking of getting a job?”

“Yeah,” Heung Soo said. “I’m gonna need one. Soo Min noona’s been working ever since she graduated school to pay the bills and everything, but I know she wants to go to college. She had it all planed out before mum died, but obviously after that things changed. I said I’d get a job so she can go, but she made me promise to finish school - told me to I had to concentrate on that. And well… we’re in our last year, we’ll be graduating soon so I need to start making money, then noona can go to college.”

“Oh, right,” Nam Soon said. It was good that Heung Soo was still thinking of a future in which he and Soo Min are still close. She’d been the one constant in his life, right from the day he was born, and Nam Soon really wanted to see them like that again. “Do you wanna go in? Ask about the job?”

Heung Soo shook his head. “Not now, we were going to the comic book shop, right? I’ll come back later.”

They headed off, brushing past the crowd on the busy main street, sticking close together.

Just then, Nam Soon thought he spotted a familiar face amongst the crowd and craned his head to see around a man shouting aggressively down his phone. His stomach dropped when he realised he wasn’t mistaken.

He sighed, turning to Heung Soo. “Speaking of Soo Min…”

Heung Soo’s eyes widened in surprise as his head shot around to look at Nam Soon. “What?”

Nam Soon nodded towards her and Heung Soo followed his gaze. He watched Heung Soo to gauge his reaction, and knew the moment he spotted her. His spine straightened, but his shoulders hunched forward just slightly. A look of anxious trepidation marred his features and his eyes fell from her until he was looking at his own feet, jaw clenched tight.

“Heung Soo-ya,” Nam Soon said, but was unsure what exactly to say. He shouldn’t have pointed her out. Why was he always so stupid? He glanced again at Soo Min, who hadn’t noticed them, then back to Heung Soo. He was feeling anxious himself. “Do you… want to talk to her? Or leave?”

Heung Soo’s eyes met his, and Nam Soon hated that uncertainty and worry in them. It was a fear of rejection; something Nam Soon knew all too well from back when he’d still had hope that his father would give a damn about him. Now he didn’t care, not one iota, what his father thought about what he did or said, or the way he lived his life. The man had lost his chance of being a dad a thousand times over.

But that wasn’t what he wanted for Heung Soo. He still had family, a sister who loved him, and if he were to lose that it would hurt Nam Soon as if it were his own lose.

But Heung Soo didn’t get to make the decision, because right then Soo Min looked their way, and it was clear from the sudden halt in her movements and the widening of her eyes that she’d spotted them. She hesitated for a few long seconds, eyes fixed on Heung Soo, then began walking towards them, steps cautious as if she wasn’t sure she was making the right decision.

“We could turn around,” Nam Soon suggested quietly, watching as Soo Min came closer and closer. His eyes flicked between the two siblings, not wanting to miss any telling expressions from either.

Heung Soo was silent for a few moments, but then he shook his head firmly. “No.”

He really wasn’t sure if this was the best idea, especially not out in the open, but Soo Min was with them before Nam Soon could reply.

“Noona…” Heung Soo said, a sudden attack of nerves hitting, leaving Nam Soon watching helpless to reassure him as Heung Soo shuffled his feet and looked down. He couldn’t seem to find any more words. Nam Soon wished he could give them too him, but he didn’t know exactly what Heung Soo was going through. He couldn’t, he’d never been in this position.

So Nam Soon just watched as Soo Min bit her bottom lip, uneasy eyes on Heung Soo, and couldn’t help but slump his shoulders in disappointment. They’re siblings, they shouldn’t be like this with each other. He didn’t know how to voice his support, but he couldn’t stand the lost look on Heung Soo’s face, so he stepped closer and wrapped an arm around one of his.

Soo Min followed the movement with her eyes, but Nam Soon didn’t let it bother him. Heung Soo was his concern, not her.

“You… haven’t changed your mind, then?” She questioned apprehensively, a perhaps even a little disturbed. It made Nam Soon tense and Heung Soo fidget restlessly.

Heung Soo shook his head, eyes on his shoes. Nam Soon tightened his arm a little more in a show of support. “I can’t, noona,” he said quietly, but he didn’t sound apologetic and Nam Soon was glad. Heung Soo had nothing to be sorry for, nor did Nam Soon – not about their relationship anyway. “I’m just this way.”

Soo Min swallowed heavily and wrung her hands. She looked at all the people around them, but they were too busy with their own lives to listen in. When she looked back to her brother her eyes were damp. “This isn’t what I wanted for you.”

Heung Soo looked up at that and met her gaze, a small frown on his face. “It doesn’t matter. You can’t change it. I can’t change it. ‘Want’ has no part in it, it’s just the way it is regardless of what you want.”

His posture had changed, he seemed more self-assured, more determined to explain himself to her, and Nam Soon could only hope she’d see past this, to just look at her brother and see her brother, not her gay brother, or worse, her abnormal brother.

“Heung Soo-ya….” She said, a tone of pleading desperation in her voice, “you’re still young. You haven’t had any experience with girls, why don’t you try that? How can you be so sure that you’re…”

She trailed off, unable to say the word, and Nam Soon felt Heung Soo tense beside him. He shuffled closer, so they were pressed against each other’s sides in silent support.

“Gay.” Heung Soo finished the sentence, bold and unhesitant, growing more confident in himself. “I’ve told you, noona, I’m gay. Getting a girlfriend wouldn’t change that. I like men. I like Nam Soon.”

Nam Soon blinked at that. It was the first time he’d heard it spoken out loud to another. A funny jolt shot to his stomach, too quickly to know if it was happiness or something else.

He reminded himself that it was just Heung Soo’s sister. Even if she wasn’t supportive of their relationship she wouldn’t go and turn it into local gossip. Whether through family loyalty or embarrassment of having a gay sibling, Nam Soon was confident of that at least.

‘Perhaps that feeling was something else,’ The random thought popped into his head. He clung to Heung Soo a little tighter and told himself it was happiness or pride, something positive. He liked hearing affirmation of their relationship. But suddenly he was hyper aware of just how close he was stood to Heung Soo, could feel his body heat as if it’d been turned up a hundred degrees pressed to his side. He felt too hot, it was uncomfortable, and was that guy staring at them?

No, no, no. This was ridiculous, he’d already had his gay freak out, he didn’t need another. He breathed heavily through his nose, forcing himself to calm. He needed to be focused on Heung Soo right now, not stupid thoughts he’d thought he’d put aside already.

Soo Min’s eyes darted to Nam Soon for the first time, unaware of his distracted thoughts, but she wasn’t interested in him, he was of no consequence to her so she quickly went back to Heung Soo. “Couldn’t you just try meeting a girl? Please, Heung Soo-ya.”

A sudden mental image of Heung Soo with a girlfriend was enough to kick start Nam Soon’s brain back into the conversation. It was a horrible concept; the thought of Heung Soo with someone else. He couldn't even fathom what he’d do if Heung Soo ever left him.

But Heung Soo wouldn’t do that. He cared for Nam Soon, he always had, more than any other person in his life. Heung Soo was his rock that kept him anchored in a turbulent life.

“No,” Heung Soo said firmly, but Nam Soon could see the pain of rejection in his eyes as his shoulders curled again, some of that confidence draining away. Nam Soon wanted to take Heung Soo away from here. Away from Soo Min. But that wouldn’t help, not in the long term. They had to get past this. “Why can’t you just accept it?” His voice cracked as his breath hitched. The ‘accept me’ was unspoken yet clear between them. “I… I miss you, noona.”

Soo Min’s damp eyes watered, tears threatening to fall, but Nam Soon felt no pity for her. It was her own doing. She was the one being unreasonable.

‘She’s the one following society’s rules,’ a treacherous part of Nam Soon’s mind spoke up. ‘If so many people know it’s wrong, how are you the one wronged?’ Nam Soon pinched himself hard on the thigh. He didn’t want these doubts coming back, especially not now. There was nothing wrong with his and Heung Soo’s relationship. Them both being guys is inconsequential; it’s about what they feel for each other, not what’s between their legs. He just needed to reassure himself of that.

“I don’t understand why you won’t just try!” Soo Min cried, voice high with emotion. It caused a few passer-bys to glance over, but neither Park sibling seemed to notice. Nam Soon did though, and he bit his lower lip. A busy street in the city wasn’t the best place to hold such a private conversation. There was an alleyway maybe about twenty feet away and without even thinking about it he shepherded them over too it. Even as they moved, neither Heung Soo nor Soo Min seemed to take much, if any, notice of the change in scenery, too far lost in this emotional barricade between them.

“Don’t you think I have?!” Heung Soo snapped, voice loud in their little bit of privacy, ringing even louder in the enclosed space. “Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think I didn’t spend months wondering what the was wrong with me? I spent years hating myself for it!” Tears of frustration and an old hurt that had been left to linger and fester with no comfort sprung to his eyes and Nam Soon had no idea what to do, how to make this better. He’d seen Heung Soo in a lot of situations over the years, seen him go through many different emotions, but he’d never truly seen him come undone like this. He’d never seen that raw helplessness in his eyes, or the pure longing for acceptance. He looked like a child left out in the cold, too young to understand why no one wanted him. Tears ran down his face, faster than Nam Soon could count. “I was too ashamed of myself to tell anyone! Do you have any ing idea how hard it is learn to accept yourself when looking in the mirror makes you feel physically sick?! When you feel like a goddamn freak?! When you can’t even tell your own sister how you feel because you know it’s disgusting in the eyes of society?! In her eyes - the one person I have left who I’ve loved so unconditionally since birth.”

Both Park siblings were crying openly now, and Nam Soon’s heart felt too heavy for his body. He barely noticed his own tears as he pulled Heung Soo into a proper hug, unable to speak past the swell of emotion in his throat.

God, Heung Soo had been so calm, so self-accepting when Nam Soon was having his own uality crisis. Imagining Heung Soo going through it all alone with no one to calmly reassure him or support him - for him to hate himself… there just wasn’t words for it. It was another way in which Nam Soon had failed him. He should have been there for Heung Soo, it was a time he very clearly needed a friend, someone to trust with every part of himself, body and mind. But Nam Soon, as always, had ed things up. He’d put himself above Heung Soo, he’d made his own desires greater than Heung Soo’s, even when his were purely selfish and Heung Soo’s were life changing. Never again. Nam Soon would do everything in his power to help and support Heung Soo, he’d vowed to that a long time ago. And right now, the best way to do that was to make sure he knows he’s loved.

How could Heung Soo ever look in a mirror and not like what he saw? To feel repulsed by his own feelings? Nam Soon couldn’t understand it because Heung Soo is the most beautiful person on the planet. Every flaw, every mistake, every wrong decision, they were just as amazing as every perfection, every  right decision, because they were a part of what made Heung Soo Heung Soo, and Nam Soon would have him no other way.

He didn’t bother wiping away his tears, he gently pulled back from Heung Soo and said, “We’re going.”

Heung Soo looked to his sister but she did nothing, just stayed where she was – arms loose by her sides as tears streamed down her face. He looked back to Nam Soon and nodded, so Nam Soon took his arm in a soft grasp and led him away. He didn’t glance back at Soo Min, but he could still hear her sobs as they left the alley.

“I’m sorry,” Heung Soo mumbled a few minutes later, after they’d put some distance between them and Soo Min and the tears were gone, leaving behind red, puffy eyes.

Nam Soon shook his head. “You don’t need to be sorry,” he said. He glanced around, they were at a park; a few kids playing on the apparatus, parents looking on. Another public area like this wasn’t the best place to talk but he needed to do or say something. He angled his body to block the view if anyone happened to turn their way and took hold of Heung Soo’s hand. However, the other boy seemed to still be too upset to even notice. “Heung Soo-ya, are you going to be okay?” He didn’t bother attempting to hide the anxiousness in his voice, it would be pointless to do so. “I’m so sorry you were alone those years, Heung Soo-ya. I was a fool for running away, and regretted it every day. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re the greatest person I’ve ever met; you’re the only person in this world that gives my life meaning, you make me want to get up in the mornings and live my life – just so I can see you, so I can talk to you and touch you. I hope you know just what you mean to me.”

Heung Soo sniffed, nodding jerkily as he wiped his hand over the drying tear tracks.

Nam Soon gave his hand a comforting squeeze, and Heung Soo finially seemed to realise he was holding it. He watched as Heung Soo’s eyes travelled lower to their joint hands, and after these past few days of barley any physical contact Nam Soon was expecting Heung Soo to pull away. But he didn’t. He stared at unblinkingly for a good long moment, and then slowly, tentatively, entwined his fingers with Nam Soon’s.

It was such a little action, but Nam Soon’s heart soared. He tightened his hold and smiled at Heung Soo. They’d be okay. Heung Soo would get over this and they’d be okay. In the end, despite everything, they always were. They always made it when together.