“Nam Soon-ah,” Heung Soo said, sounding a little unsure. “Have you…”

Nam Soon tilted his head. “Have I what?”

Heung Soo cleared his throat, cheeks flushing lightly and he shuffled his feet just a little. “Have you… ever thought about ?”

“?” He asked, mouth dropping open slightly in surprise, and his own cheeks coloured to match Heung Soo’s.  But not quite for the same reason. Suddenly, with just that one word, every single insecurity came rushing back. It was like all the intimacy; the kisses, the s, the s - it was like they’d never happened. He felt as lost and afraid as a fish with its fins ripped off thrown into a vast ocean teeming with predators.

. Heung Soo wants to have .

“Yeah,” Heung Soo nodded, oblivious to Nam Soon’s inner turmoil and Nam Soon almost couldn’t hold back a hysterical laugh – or sob, he’s not really sure which one it’d be. “You and me. I mean, I’m not saying we have to! I just… wondered if you’d thought about it. If you’d want to do it sometime…”

He had thought about it. Not in detail and not at any length (as he was prone to freaking out within the first ten or so seconds), but he had thought about , of taking it all the way rather than just using their hands and mouths.

Not, that is, that he really knew how exactly it’d work other than the obvious - penetration. And that wasn’t a small thing in itself. It seemed… well, he’d never settled on a word for it because he’d stop thinking before he could reach that far.

It’s not like the other things they’ve done. Heung Soo’s didn’t seem too weird; after all Nam Soon himself likes getting his (what guy doesn’t?), it’s a normal thing to happen. … But ? Strictly gay male ? That… that’s something different entirely.

“I…” What should he even say? How does one reply to that? Should he… lie? Or should he say what he’s thinking? He doesn’t want to hurt Heung Soo’s feelings in any way. If Heung Soo took it the wrong way, thought he was turning him down because of Heung Soo himself, how would Nam Soon explain himself? He swallowed dryly. “I-I need to think about it.” He forced from a tight throat. , he hopes Heung Soo will let it go at that. He doesn’t believe in any God, but he’s asking to anything that might be listening to take pity and end this conversation.

Thankfully Heung Soo was embarrassed enough himself about the conversation to just nod and leave it at that.

But Nam Soon couldn’t stop thinking about it. All night and into the next day he couldn’t get passed that one little word; . The more he thought on it he’d get small jolts of excitement, but there was an overpowering, looming feeling of unease, perhaps even a little fear.

He wasn’t even completely sure why he felt that way.

Perhaps because it was unknown. Nam Soon’s knowledge on it was very limited and it was a big deal. Maybe to some people it wasn’t, but to Nam Soon it was.

He sat and thought it through during school. He should at least find out more before making a decision, right? Perhaps if he knew what to expect it would be easier, less frightening.

“Kang Joo-ya” Nam Soon said, stopping by the girl’s desk. “Could I use your computer?”

Kang Joo looked up at him suspiciously. “Why? Is it to watch ?”

“No!” Nam Soon replied, perhaps a little too loudly.

Kang Joo raised a disbelieving eyebrow and Nam Soon groaned. “It’s for research.” He assured. ‘Though maybe would help…’ he added silently to himself. “Honestly.”

“You doing research?” She asked disbelievingly. “Go Nam Soon actually wanting to study? I don’t buy it for a second.”

“Well, it’s not for school,” Nam Soon said. “It’s… a personal matter. So can I?”

“Whatever,” Kang Joo waved him off, “I don’t really care if you want to study . You can come round to mine after school and use it, my parents don’t get back from work until late.”

Nam Soon nodded, a thank you half way out when she cut him off with a finger raised to his face. “But, it’s not for free; you have to do me a favour in return.”

Raising a hand to push Kang Joo’s finger from his face, Nam Soon nodded. “Fine. What do you want?”

She shrugged her shoulders, now smiling. “Dunno. I’ll keep it in reserve until I think of something.”

“Fine,” Nam Soon agreed. “Just don’t make it something weird.”

Kang Joo just laughed, not promising anything. Nam Soon just returned to his seat, unsure about what sort of favour the girl would be wanting, but at least he could find out more about .

And so later that day, Nam Soon found himself sat at a small desk in Kang Joo’s bedroom, the girl herself off in the kitchen making herself a snack. Thankfully, she took Nam Soon’s hint to get out the room without fuss or question - if the fact that she’d been making a snack for the past half an hour was anything to go by. It was times like this Nam Soon was glad for her friendship. He certainly didn’t need her looking over his shoulder while he looked up the ins and outs of gay .

Not, that is, that there was much information. He’d found an online forum which while not big had some pretty helpful tips. Perhaps the most helpful being lube, from what he read without it wouldn’t be very fun. He wasn’t sure he understood the different types though (silicone? Wasn’t that what they used for implants?). Preparation (‘Preparation? Like, putting your fingers up a guy’s arse? Why the Hell would you do that?’ Nam Soon thought, alarmed) seemed important too; just getting straight to the ing would hurt the receiving partner. He read over everything, trying to memorise as much as he could while pretending he wasn’t reading up on the details of .

It also got him thinking about who would do what; who would take which role. The idea of taking a up his arse wasn’t exactly all that appealing (in fact he felt a little queasy just thinking it), and he couldn’t imagine Heung Soo would be all that eager to bend over for him either. How exactly would it work? How did who topped and who bottomed get decided? Do they talk about it and work it out before hand or just start and go with the flow, however that ended up? What if neither wanted to bottom?

Nam Soon hadn’t thought this much in months, and it was giving him a headache.

He shut down the computer and got to his feet.

“Kang Joo-ya,” he called, going to find the girl in the kitchen. “I’m gonna go, thanks for letting me use it.”

“No problem,” the girl smiled. “You can stay for something to eat if you want? My parents won’t be home for another two hours.”

“Ah, no thanks. I’ll be going.” He nodded politely and went to pull on his shoes.

“Suit yourself,” Kang Joo shrugged. “Yah, remember you owe me a favour.”

“I didn’t forget,” Nam Soon promised. “See you at school.”

Kang Joo waved goodbye and Nam Soon headed out.

When he got home he wasn’t surprised to see Heung Soo laid out on the sofa reading a comic, his jacket thrown over himself as a makeshift blanket. “I’ve got to stop leaving my door unlocked,” he said more to himself than Heung Soo.

“Then I’d just break in,” Heung Soo said idly, flipping the page.

Nam Soon rolled his eyes and headed over to the couch. He battered Heung Soo’s legs off and sat down.

“Where’ve you been?” Heung Soo asked, carelessly throwing the comic down.

“Who’s going to who?” Nam Soon replied with instead.

Heung Soo blinked, then sat up properly to face Nam Soon, surprise all over his face. “What?”

“If we have ,” Nam Soon explained. “Who would top?”

Heung Soo seemed to consider it for a moment. “Who would you want to?”

Nam Soon scratched the back of his neck, awkwardness setting back in. It really shouldn’t be this embarrassing talking to his own boyfriend about , but it was.

“Me, if I’m honest,” he said. “I just… I’m not really comfortable with the thought of… you know… taking a in my…” he coughed, a blush heating his face. “But then, I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to either, you know? So yeah… it’s err… yeah.” He trailed off weakly.

“I don’t mind,” Heung Soo shrugged, like he wasn’t telling Nam Soon he’d bottom as casually as he’d mention a rain forecast. “You can me if you want.”

“Eh?!” Nam Soon couldn’t hold back his surprise. “What?”

“I think we should have . We both want it. I don’t know, maybe you’re still not entirely comfortable with your uality, so that’s why you’re freaking at the thought of being bottom. So I will. First time, anyway. Second time I top. Then we just do it whatever way we like the best. That’s fair, right?” Heung Soo said it so calmly, so matter of fact, that it left Nam Soon spluttering.

“But – you… I… I just- huh?” He cleared his throat, forcing some zen because he defiantly needed it. “But aren’t you… uncomfortable with that. I mean, it’s a little…”

“Gay?” Heung Soo asked, eyebrow raising and a small smile of amusement dancing about his lips. “Yeah, it is.”

“It’s just…” Nam Soon wasn’t really sure what it was, it just seemed… weird to say you’d take a up your arse. He cracked a smile, making a joke of the tense (at least on his part) situation, “Does this make you the girl in our relationship?”

“Yah!” Heung Soo said, throwing his jacket at him. “No, it ing doesn’t. We’re both men, so it doesn’t matter who does what, it doesn’t change our ing gender. Besides, second time round I’m defiantly topping you, you bastard.”

Nam Soon shook his head, “I don’t know Heung Soo-ya…”

“It doesn’t make you less masculine, if that’s what’s worrying you,” Heung Soo huffed. “Regardless if you top or bottom you’re still just as gay as the other guy.”

“It really doesn’t bother you?” Nam Soon asked. Seriously, how was he so damn chill about it all? Why didn’t he understand Nam Soon’s reasoning for being freaked out by it? It was just so… abnormal for a guy to willingly let another man him.

“Well, I think I’d be nervous,” Heung Soo admitted. “But more about having for the first time rather than who’s doing what.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because I want you,” Heung Soo said like it was the simplest thing in the world. “We’ve always been so close, since we were just eight years old. I’ve shared everything with you Nam Soon-ah, spirit and soul, every emotion I’ve felt you’ve seen, all the highs and lows. But I want something physical. We’ve taken each other in our hands and mouths, but I want something more intimate, something raw and undeniably real. I love you, and I want to share everything with you, including our bodies. Think of it as a physical manifestation of your feelings.” He frowned, “that sounded kinda dumb…”

But Nam Soon took no notice of his last sentence, because the breath hitched in his throat and salty water blurred his vision. It was the first time either had said I love you since before the accident. But even then this was something new entirely, back then it was as friends they loved each other, but now, this was a confession as a couple. It was bigger, better, something almost beyond explanation. Of course they both always knew the love was there, ever present, running deep in their veins, pumping through their hearts, but this was the first time it was voiced. Nam Soon didn’t even know why neither had said it before; perhaps since they both instinctively knew saying it aloud didn’t seem like a big deal, but now that he’d heard it, Nam Soon wanted to hear it a thousand more times.

“I love you too,” Nam Soon smiled, brighter than he ever had before, feeling giddy with it. It was just as amazing to say those words as it was to hear them. So, he said it again, “I love you, Heung Soo-ya.” He wiped at his wet eyes with the back of his hand. “And I want to have with you.”

Because he was right. What better way to connect with someone on a physical level to show your love for a person was there?

“You’re sure?” Heung Soo asked. “You’re not just saying that because I said I love you, right?”

Nam Soon stepped into his personal space, pulling him into a deep kiss. “I’m sure,” he whispered against his lips once they’d pulled a part. “I want to do this.”

After all, it was the natural next step in a relationship, was it not? All those doubts he had before; his fear to admit his feelings, to kiss Heung Soo, he didn’t want to live like that anymore. He wanted to love Heung Soo openly, to touch him without fear, to hold him in his arms and not worry about what the world would think. Yes, he wanted to do this – he wanted to have with Heung Soo and show him how much he loved him.

A smile formed on Heung Soo’s lips and Nam Soon kissed him again, unable to resist. “When?”

Heung Soo gave a little shrug. “I don’t know, whenever you want.”

“Well we’ll need to get lube first,” Nam Soon said thoughtfully.

Heung Soo’s eyebrows shot up. “Have you been looking up , Nam Soon-ah?” He asked with an amused grin.

Nam Soon gave him a light hit on the shoulder. “Of course I have, what did you expect me to do when you started asking me for ?”

“Wow, that makes me sound a little desperate,” Heung Soo laughed. “Are you trying to imply something, Nam Soonie?”

“Yes, you’re a . Just like your dog.”

“Yah,” Heung Soo hit him on the shoulder, “just for that you can be the one to buy the lube.”

“Eh?!”

“Well, someone needs to get it,” Heung Soo shrugged. “Think of it as the next step in accepting your uality.”

“I have accepted it,” Nam Soon argued.

“One hundred percent?”

Nam Soon thought about that seriously. Had he? Consenting to was a huge step, but he only wanted to do it as the top. Something was still holding him back from even thinking about allowing Heung Soo to penetrate him. There was still a fear of anyone knowing about them too. Of course they had to keep it from people they know, people who could spread rumours around, but what about a total stranger who could do nothing about it? He’d freaked when on the street; when Heung Soo and Soo Min met. He didn’t want anyone hearing what was said, even though they’d never cross paths again. So maybe he still wasn’t completely comfortable with himself. But he was getting there. And maybe Heung Soo was right. Maybe actually going out and buying lube; something that would indicate his uality to everyone in the shop, perhaps it was a push he needed.

“Fine,” he conceded. He was never one to back out anyway, and damned if he would start chickening out now. “I’ll get it.”

And he kept his word; after Heung Soo had left Nam Soon headed out to the shops. He knew some of the bigger shops with foreign names sold lube even if Korean ones didn’t, but they weren’t as close so he had to catch a bus.

The entire journey he felt confident, psyching himself up for it. Then, when he got there, he just stood staring at the doors for a solid five minutes. His feet wouldn’t bring him forward.

“Come on, Go Nam Soon,” he muttered to himself. “Man up, you’re being pathetic.”

He took a breath and strode towards the doors.

‘Oh God, this is ing embarrassing,’ he thought as he stepped into the shop. Hands twitching with nerves he looked over to the checkout till, where a teenage girl around his age, maybe a little younger, stood chewing gum and looking bored out of her mind.

Taking a breath, Nam Soon shuffled down the aisles until he found the one he was looking for. Casting a look around to make sure nobody could see him, Nam Soon began to scan the items in front of him; innocent looking boxes, what for the word ‘lubrication’ across them. , why were there so many different kinds?

‘Water based or silicone.’ Nam Soon thought to himself. ‘That site said water based is the best... or was it silicone?’  He looked them over, bottom lip between his teeth, acutely aware of every small sound around him.

There were two different brands of water based lube and one silicone lube in a row. The silicone was more expensive, did that mean it was better? Nam Soon’s anxiety was growing with every hour-like second that passed. A flush rising to his cheeks, Nam Soon grabbed one of the two water based brands and one silicone type at random, looking them over as though he actually understood what he was doing.

, he just had to pick one, it didn’t matter which. He shoved the box in his left hand, the water based, back onto the shelf, clutching the box in his right hand, the silicone, until the cardboard crushed so he could feel the bottle inside it in the palm of his hand.

He stared at it for a moment, until someone passed by the end of the aisle, causing him to jump and quickly shuffle away from the lube, guilty and embarrassed.

He looked back over to the cashier, now ringing up items for a harassed looking ajumma.

, , . He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t go over there and hand over lube to be ringed up. And what if she asks for ID? He’s old enough, but then she’d know his name, and what if she told her friends, and then they told people and everyone in the neighbourhood found out? He should just put the goddamn thing back, walk out of here and never, ever think of it again. There was no way she wouldn’t understand why he was buying lube. What else could you possibly get it for? What if she really does say something to someone? What if someone he knows finds out? He couldn’t really just go over there and buy it, could he? But… Nam Soon bit his lip and thought of Heung Soo. He wanted Heung Soo. He wanted to be with him as intimately physically as he already was emotionally.

With new resolve Nam Soon stepped forward… and managed to make it three whole steps before the embarrassment stopped him in his tracks.

He just couldn’t. He bit his lip again and looked at the box still held too tightly in his hand. Maybe… if he just slipped it into his pocket… but ever since hurting Heung Soo he’d been trying to be a better person. He cast his eyes around; desperate for a way out of this where he could still have the lube.

After a minute of uncertainty and constant wavering, an idea came to him. With renewed confidence he slipped the box into his pocket and casually strolled to a selection of chocolate and sweets. He picked up two bars of chocolate, then headed to the shelf facing the goodies, which housed quick easy to make food, and grabbed a few boxes of ramen until he had enough to total the same amount as the box in his pocket and headed to the checkout. The ajumma was gone and he handed the food over to the girl, who barely glanced his way as she rung them up and bagged them. He handed the money over and took the bag with a polite smile, then turned to the exit. As he neared the door he set the bag on a shelf, within the cashiers line of sight, before passing though; walking out with only the box safe in his pocket. So, he didn’t exactly pay for it, but he still gave the money for it.

Nam Soon took a deep breath once outside, giving himself a moment to relax before he started the walk back home, feeling only a little ashamed of himself for his cowardice.

It was a short bus ride, and within thirty minutes he was toeing off his shoes and heading to his bedroom. He took out the lube box and just stared at it. He felt so weird, stood alone in his bedroom holding lube. It all seemed to come crashing down that this was real. This was happening. He was going to have with Heung Soo.

He opened the box and tipped the bottle onto his hand.

He looked at it just sitting there in his hand. Why did it feel like he’d forgotten something? There must be-

Then a thought struck him; do they need condoms? He couldn’t think if they’d been mentioned on that gay forum, he was too busy wrapping his head around how it all works and how to do it rather than thinking about protection. There was of course no chance of pregnancy, but what about STD’s? How did they work? Neither had had before, so they both must be clean, but could you still get it? Or would one person have to already have a disease? He didn’t have any idea of how you got them. Was it like catching a regular illness, like a cold? But then he wasn’t really sure how a person got a cold either, just that germs were transferred from one person to another – was it touch, or if you touched something an ill person touched too? Or getting sneezed on? He couldn’t remember… diseases might be different anyway. Maybe they were different depending on what gender you have with. Do straight people get AIDS? He’s always heard of it as a gay disease. He had no idea, you weren’t exactly taught about safe gay in school, and he could hardly ask his dad.

Nam Soon groaned out his frustrations and fell back on to his bed. It should be okay, right? Since they were both s he didn’t think anything would go wrong.

He should ask Heung Soo. If Heung Soo was bottoming, wouldn't he be more at risk? Yeah, he’d just let Heung Soo bring a if he wanted to use one.

He knew Heung  Soo had only agreed to bottom for his sake, and Nam Soon felt a little guilty about it. He knew he should probably offer to take that position himself, but he just couldn’t. Although he was excited to have with Heung Soo, at the same time he was rather dreading it because the first time would lead to the second time, and that one Nam Soon had already promised to bottom for. Just the thought of it was nerve wrecking. Nam Soon still had difficulty admitting he liked men to anyone but Heung Soo, and the thought of that, well, it was too much. He wondered if that was the only thing though. His mind wondered back to that time in Heung Soo’s bedroom, when he’d gotten himself off on top of the other boy. They’d done a few things like that since, and every time it had felt like dominance and submission – Nam Soon dominating and Heung Soo submitting. And he liked that; being in control. It came to him naturally. But he wasn’t sure Heung Soo saw it the same way, he didn’t think Heung Soo felt like he was submitting when he allowed Nam Soon to get himself off on him. They seemed to have different mindsets on what dominance meant. Perhaps Heung Soo was right, maybe it wasn’t about submitting to someone but openly placing your trust in that person;  enough to allow them to see a side of them nobody else was permitted too.

Could Nam Soon do that? Could he let go of his insecurities and give himself over fully to Heung Soo? If Heung Soo was willing to do it for him, then he should be willing too.

It was confusing and a bit scary. He shook it from his head. He didn’t have to think about it now, not until after they’d had for the first time. He had other things to worry about; psychical things.

He pulled himself up out of bed, yanked his T-shirt off and looked over himself in the mirror. He was lean but toned. Not as much as he used to be; fighting had always kept his muscle mass up, and it had deteriorated somewhat since moving to Seoul and giving it up. He still did a lot of odd labour jobs that kept him fit however, so he was never just skinny. He didn’t look bad, rather good actually he thought to himself as he ran a hand over his abdomen.

He thought of Heung Soo shirtless and his mouth went dry. Heung Soo defiantly looked good without a top on - or anything on, for that matter. Heung Soo was always a welcomed sight.

And soon he’d have a Heung Soo laid out underneath him, legs spread open, waiting for Nam Soon to get between them and take him.

He groaned aloud that the images stockpiling in his mind, a stirring in his boxers

, how was he ever put off at the thought of that? . Just the word sounded good. It was dizzying how quickly he’d changed his mind on the matter. Forty-eight hours ago he was about ready to have a heart attack like the world's biggest prude at just the thought of it, and now he could hardly wait.

Maybe it did have something to do with Heung Soo telling him he loves him, but that didn’t matter. He wants to do this.

He grabbed his mobile and dialled Heung Soo.

It was absurd; arranging over the phone, as if they were simply making plans to meet up socially. Nam Soon felt kind of ridiculous, wasn’t , especially your first time, meant to be passionate and unpredictable, not pre-booked like a dentist appointment?

Regardless though, it got his heart beating a mile a minute and leaping up to his throat as they made plans. Tomorrow. He’d be having with Heung Soo tomorrow.

Holy .

This was really happening.