Nam Soon ran a hand through his hair, as if the action could actually help him sought out all his thoughts.

He’d left Heung Soo twenty minutes ago. They’d picked themselves up before anyone came back from lunch and neither wanted to sit through the rest of the day, they both needed time to calm down and get their heads on straight. Heung Soo had left first, saying something about walking his dog and after straightening up the room Nam Soon followed a few minutes later, with no clear destination in mind. He had thought about asking Heung Soo if he could go with him on his walk, but discarded the idea immediately. A little space would probably do them both some good right now.

He’s wandering down the streets, shoes scuffing against the pavement, and the memories of the last hour or so were as fresh in his mind as if they were still currently happening. He had kissed Heung Soo. There had been no ual or romantic intention behind it, and it was only a momentary kiss of his lips to a small cut on Heung Soo’s; like how his mum used to kiss his cuts and bruises when he was a small boy to make him feel better. It was an apology, one that tasted of blood and tears, but that’s all it was… so why is it stuck in his head?

His lips tingled with it, and he brought a hand from his pocket to rub his lips with two fingers, the memory of Heung Soo’s lips against his own as real as his fingers are now. They brushed against the area Heung Soo’s cut would be, and the answer came to him so brightly, so vividly that he stopped in his tracks, causing someone walking behind him to bump in to him, but Nam Soon took no notice of the man telling him to ‘watch where the you’re going, damn kid’. With his knuckles still hurting and his eyes still red, with little specks of Heung Soo’s blood still clinging to his skin, he knew that he wanted to kiss Heung Soo. He wanted them to have a real kiss. He wanted to kiss Heung Soo, and for the first time he didn’t want to deny it.

The revelation, the acceptance of that thought… for some reason it wasn’t Earth shattering. It was a shock, but he’s expected… more. A damn funeral tune or the cartoon ding ding ding of finally getting something right after so long of idiocy. He thought there would be something more than an almost casual ‘oh, actually, I do want to make out with another guy after all.’ While it certainly wasn’t easy, or something he was at all comfortable with, after all the stress, all the worry and denial and the pain, the non-soul destroying, non-Earth shattering, simple thought that he does want to kiss Heung Soo… it was almost pathetic.

Though it wasn’t that easy. While it wasn’t a happy revelation with the warmth of a silly crush, nor did he feel his world crumble under his feet, if Nam Soon were to be honest with himself: he was afraid.

He wants to kiss Heung Soo again, but he doesn’t want to want to.

Was that it? Was his world not ending because he was afraid? Was fear blocking any sort of freak-out? Perhaps because it’s Heung Soo, the same Heung Soo who he’s known since they were kids. Why would he be afraid of that though? Surely having known Heung Soo for so long, being best friends with him, surely that would make it easier. But if it wasn’t just Heung Soo, if it were men in general…

Is he gay? Was Heung Soo right? He needs a definite answer and thinking about Heung Soo wasn’t helping, all that was doing was causing more confusion.

There was an internet café two streets away so Nam Soon headed over. It wasn’t busy; an older man near the middle of the room who seemed to be having trouble just turning the monitor on, obviously born long before all this new technology. A woman nearing middle age looking rather agitated, most likely having her first break in too long from her new born (probably her first going by her age) Nam Soon guessed from the messy appearance of a harassed mother. Then two middle-school girls, obviously skipping class like him, giggling over the screen with their heads together, probably fawning over some idol.

Nam Soon took a computer off to the side, out of the way of anyone else and turned it on with a churning stomach. He brought up the internet to a search engine, and then wasn’t sure what to do next. Should he just look at men? But what if he was wrong? No, he’d look at women first, then if he was wrong he didn’t have to look at guys. So, he typed in a few words and less than a second later numerous pictures of women in as little clothing as it was possible to wear without being popped up. He scanned a few over but just picked one at random.

Nam Soon looked at the picture of the scantily clad woman, taking his time of look over each section of her body and absorb the details. The sultry look, the red mouth slightly open as if inviting in a , the fake s almost spilling out a barely-there bra, smooth legs spread with just a flimsy thong covering her up.

He felt nothing, not a stir of lust. He may as well be looking at praying nuns. His heart dropped. He’d take another embarrassing public for that woman rather than type in the next words.

He forced himself to delete the words in the search bar but he was afraid to look up men next. He was afraid that what he thought (what he knew) would be confirmed. Desperate for some kind of contradiction, he cast his mind back to times when he’d brought himself off before all this confusion, to what he’d think about during those times. He didn’t remember thoughts of women, but he knew he didn’t think of men either. He’d just concentrated on himself, on the build up and release of pleasure. But that didn’t prove anything at all, unless perhaps he didn’t think of men simply because he wasn’t ready to face that kind of revelation. Something was telling him that was the case and Nam Soon closed his eyes, taking a calming breath.

He was being a coward and he hated that. Cowardice was what led him to running away from Heung Soo, was the reason for three years of self-hate and more guilt he’d previously realised a single person was able to carry.

If only his younger self could see him now. If Tsunami, the best fighter in Gyeonggi-do, could see him now he’d be laughing at how pathetic Nam Soon is. Then he’d give him a beating for being such a ing gutless wuss. No, he didn’t need to be thinking about that either. He’d put his past behind him, Go Nam Soon and Tsunami were now separate people.

Regardless, he didn’t want to be that kind of person, the type to hide away when things weren’t going exactly how he wanted them to, so he sat up, told himself to quite being such a ing loser and typed in the words and seconds later the almost women were replaced with pictures of almost men.

Again he clicked one of them at random, enlarging it, and he didn’t bother looking at the man’s face, he didn’t care about that, instead he went straight to the model’s body. He was well built with a defined six-pack, smooth unblemished skin and toned thighs. Tight briefs covered his s but left little to the imagination.

He looked… good.

Nam Soon bit his lip at the stirring of attraction, uncomfortable with the feeling. He hurriedly clicked off the picture, had a quick look around the room to make sure nobody had seen what he was looking at and then let his head drop into his hands. So was that it then? He’s gay? All these weeks of denial and running and unease and what? He only had to look at one picture online to realise it? , it wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.

He’s gay. That’s it. His denial had hit a roadblock, crashed and burned. The only thing left now is acceptance.

Denial. That’s all it had been all this time… He knew, in his heart, that he’s gay. The wet dreams, jerking himself off in the school bathroom to the thought of Heung Soo, never thinking of girls… he really is gay. How did he even manage to convince himself he’s not? Fear? Was he that afraid of being gay?

Nam Soon wasn’t clever, and he’d never pretended to be, but he wasn’t naïve. He knew what being gay would mean. He knew how much harder life would be being gay. He knew many gay and lesbian people ended up killing themselves. He knew many gay and lesbian people were disowned, having shamed their families. He knew that when he went for his pre-army checks and they asked probing questions about his uality, if they had doctors evaluate him and get in to his personal life to find if he’s gay, and if they questioned Nam Soon’s friends as to his uality, that if they found out, it would go on his permanent record. He’s heard about having to give explicit photographic evidence of same- relations if they think you’re gay. He’s heard about the forced AIDS tests, he knew the military penal code that says you can go to prison for it. He’d be marked off as having a personality disorder. If he were found out, then gay, homoual, queer, ; it didn’t matter how they worded it because just that one word alone would be like a big flashing neon sign to every potential future employer. Homouality might be okay in some foreign, far away countries like America, but how many employers in Korea would hire a gay person? Even if it was slowly becoming more accepted by the general population, homouality was still widely seen as a mental abnormality.

Even if he got away with it, he’d have to spend his life lying and hiding his uality to continue living normally if he were to have any chance at finding a halfway decent job. People would be expecting him to marry and have children. He’d have to hide a large part of himself as if it were a crime he was guilty of, something he should be ashamed of. He could never be publicly affectionate. He would only ever be able to kiss Heung Soo behind a locked door with four walls around them, hidden away from judging eyes. He couldn’t tell people he had a boyfriend and laugh about Heung Soo’s stupid habits with friends or co-workers. Every moment, every breath he took, he’d have to spend it with lies ready on the tip of his tongue.

He doesn’t want to be gay, he doesn’t want to accept this, but what could he do? He couldn’t just snap his fingers and become straight, no matter how he wished it was that easy. This was just another way life had ed him over and he now had no choice but to deal with it as best as he could. He could only force himself to not scream injustice at the world.

Then there was Heung Soo. Heung Soo wanted to be with him, and Nam Soon could no longer deny that he wanted Heung Soo in return, but even ignoring the future struggles they’d face hiding a relationship from employers and colleagues, even now it would be hard. They’d have to keep it from family and friends; nobody at school could find out. If he did this, both his and Heung Soo’s lives would change forever. And what if that ruined them? What if it was too stressful or someone found out? If they were together and they fell apart, could their relationship take it? Could they remain friends or would it completely destroy them? Chances were that a romantic relationship between them wouldn’t work out and the result could be devastating. He wouldn’t be able to deal with that.

He knew what Heung Soo would choose; he’d already made that clear. Of course he’d choose Nam Soon. Nam Soon had always been bull-headed, rushing into things without thinking them through, but they were always easy decisions; they were things like beating up people who looked down on him and mugging rich kids. Heung Soo had always acted on his emotions; if he felt strongly about something then he would follow through with it regardless of where that would leave him. Whether that was bravery or stupidity Nam Soon didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure if he could do that, even if he wanted to.

So now, Nam Soon had two choices. He could pretend his was straight, get married somewhere down the line and start a family, all the while trying to convince himself he was happy with his life, or he could choose Heung Soo and risk everything.

He unconsciously brought his fingers back to his lips, and blinked in surprised at the light pressure. Just like Heung Soo’s lips.

And… there wasn’t any choice, really. For over a decade he’d lived and breathed Heung Soo, the other boy was as much a part of Nam Soon as his own limbs were. Everything he does, no matter where he is, it always comes back to Park Heung Soo. Being apart from Heung Soo was the equivalent of being apart from his hopes and dreams, it left him uncaring for his own life (Me. I want to throw myself away) – in those years without Heung Soo, he had no inspiration, no drive, he was just an abandoned, empty shell of himself. Heung Soo gave him a future. As long as Heung Soo was in his life, Nam Soon would be someone, perhaps not anyone important or special, but he’d have dreams. So, there really wasn’t any choice, it was always going to be Heung Soo.