(hello long time no see... I have fixed some little holes in the plot and I added a few things here and there (a new luhan scene because I miss him :c) so idk if you want to reread the whole thing since its been a while or just read this chapter and then read it idk its up to you just letting you know so you can make your own decision oK)

And that was it.
 

I don’t know what I was expecting, but he just crawls into bed and pulls the covers over himself before turning the TV on. I watch him tentatively from the sides of my eyes to see if maybe he would make a move or something, but he was completely immersed with whatever was on TV.

I don’t know if it’s just because my sister is in the room across the way, or maybe it’s because we’re still recovering our relationship, or maybe he thinks it’s awkward too. I don’t know why I don’t just ask, but Jongin almost feels like a stranger.

There’s just something so off about our interactions and I just wish I could assess it and shake these weird vibes off, but I don’t even really know where to begin.

Maybe he’s afraid that all he’ll see when he kisses me is Baekhyun’s face. Although he never caught us in the act or anything, I’m sure he’s had to picture it himself: Another man bringing euphoria to the love of his life.

Is that even what I am anymore? Does he even still love me?

“…Jongin…”
 

His head slightly turns to me as he raises his eyebrows. I don’t know why I feel so nervous to talk to him. This is the man that would never judge me even if I murdered someone. But then again, what I did was probably worse than murder in his eyes…

“Do you… still love me?” I ask shyly, almost whispering the last bit.

His eyebrows fall back down and a soft smile grazes his lips. “Of course I still love you,” he says with a sigh.

I desperately look in his eyes, trying to see if he’s lying, but he didn’t hesitate at all to answer, and he looked me directly in the eyes. Either Jongin’s gotten a lot better at lying…

…or he’s telling the truth.

“…Do you still love me?” he asks a little more tentatively than I did. He has a lot more reason to ask after all.

I mirror the same smile he gave me earlier. “Of course I do,” I reply. I’m not lying either. As much as my subconscious is trying to find any reason to leave Jongin, there’s no hiding the fact that I love him. Seven years is a long time and there’s no way you can simply just unattatch yourself from a person even if you tried.  

Time is a huge factor in relationships, and I don’t know what to take more into consideration with my decision: Whether to rely more on the past, rather than the future. Yes, seven years is a long time, but there’s no guarantee in either situation going forward. Jongin and I could get married, but there’s so much that could go wrong and he could eventually end up hating me, even after all these years, and Baekhyun could just be a onetime thing that might not even last.

“Why’d you ask?” Jongin asks, breaking me out of my reverie. “Do you think I would marry you without loving you?”

“… I don’t know… Maybe?” I answer truthfully. But it’s exactly what I’m afraid of.

“Why would you even think that at all? I’ve never done a thing to hurt you, whereas you-” he stops himself from speaking and I finally get annoyed that Jongin’s still trying to act like everything can just be okay.

“Yeah, Jongin, it is what I think, okay,” I say, sitting up and raising my voice. “Yeah, what I did was a ty thing, go ahead and tell me off. I betrayed you. I hurt you in the worst possible way. I don’t deserve any of the kindness you’re giving me. Get mad at me. Yell at me, God Dammit. Why are you just letting this go like it’s nothing? I understand you don’t want to break us, but this isn’t right. I need to know that you’re really trying to fix this for us and not just for you.”

Jongin squints his eyes at me and sits up as well and I realize I finally pushed him over the edge—which was exactly what I wanted. “You think I’m trying this hard to forgive you for myself? Yeah, I’m not yelling at you because I have nothing to say! You can’t even explain yourself so why should I even bother bringing it up again? You said you were going to end it and I trust you enough that you’re leaving him behind to fix us. Is that so hard for you to believe? That I actually trust you even after you went behind my back for several months without even batting an eyelash? I trusted you before and I trust you now even after you broke my heart into a million ing pieces. I’m trying so hard over here to make you feel as comfortable with me as possible, thinking that you’re going to leave me any second and honestly it seems like you don’t give one about how I feel.”

Jongin’s almost panting and I let everything he said sink in. I rub my temple and look away from him for a moment. I still don’t think the way he’s going about this whole thing isn’t right. But it hurts me that he thinks I don’t care about him.  

“You know that if I didn’t give a about how you feel, I wouldn’t be here right now,” I say with a lower tone, trying to cool him off a bit. Although I would be lying if I said I didn’t kinda enjoy this side of Jongin. He hardly ever raised his voice. Well, he yells at the TV whenever his team’s losing, but that’s really about it.

He runs a hand through his hair and pushes his bangs out of his face and looks at me with a different look. He looks less mad, and more worried.

He swallows hard before speaking again. “You’re not just staying with me because you don’t want to hurt me… Right?” I don’t say anything just to see if it triggers something in him, but it actually is one of the reasons I’m not just leaving him behind in the dust. Of course I don’t want to hurt him. He’s been my rock, my best friend, my everything for so long. I can’t just throw him away like that.

He rubs his face with both of his hands. “Listen. You can’t hurt me more than you did a few nights ago, okay? If you really think you don’t want to be with me, I can handle it. I’ll be fine. You can’t just marry me because you feel sorry for me. Marriage is a two way street. I don’t want to hold you down. I love you too much to do that to you. And knowing you, you would pretend you’re okay with it and just live with it for the rest of your life to spare my feelings. It’s not fair to you, nor is it to me.” He places his hand over mine. “You know all I want for you is to be happy… And if letting you go is what makes you happy, then I’ll have to oblige because no matter how bad it hurts me, your happiness is the only thing I wish for in this world.”

I know my mind has been trying to concoct all these reasons why I should leave Jongin and creating these false suspicions in my mind, but Jongin’s still the same guy who still loves me whole heartedly and not because he wants this perfect life and doesn’t want to destroy something that’s lasted so long. He genuinely wants to fix this and I’m the nitpicking and trying to find something wrong with him, only to find that there isn’t anything wrong.
 

I scoot myself closer to him and he’s still looking at me with anticipation thinking that I’m going to leave him. I stare into his eyes and all I can see is so much hurt that’s still lingering even though he’s trying so hard to pretend he’s okay. All the hurt that he’s been hiding is there. It didn’t just alleviate after a few days like he’s been making it seem. It’s just been sitting there, all pent up, just to help me along the way. He doesn’t have to say a word and I already know what he’s feeling. It’s something you just naturally pick up after knowing someone so long.

I wonder what he sees when he looks back into my own eyes and I can only hope he knows how truly sorry I am for hurting him.

“I’m s-”

Before I can even finish, Jongin’s lips are on my own and it’s completely different from all the kisses we’ve ever shared before. Kissing him had almost become just a routine thing rather than an act of compassion. We kissed when we said goodbye, or hello, or thank you, but it was so routine that it had become almost as emotionless as a wave.

But this, this was a brand new feeling. Something I’d never think I’d ever experience with Jongin again. I thought that we’d been through it all, feeling wise, but come to think of it, we’ve never gotten into a fight like this and as terrible as it sounds, we probably never would have felt something as powerful as this had I not hurt him so bad.

It was like seven years compacted into one kiss and the fact that I’d almost forgotten what his lips felt like just made it that much more impactful. There was just so much more feeling and compassion that had escaped us and I finally realize that it’s something that I don’t want to give up. No matter how tempting the other offer is.

Every unsaid word is felt without even saying anything and I can actually feel Jongin, and even myself, healing with this one kiss. Our lips mesh together in perfect sync and I never want to pull away. My hand slowly reaches up to settle on his cheek and he places his own hand upon my own. Everything’s moving in slow motion and I don’t even know if I know if I’m breathing anymore.

He pulls away and my eyes slowly flutter open and he smiles gently into my hand.

“Apology accepted.”
 

……………..kinda short im sorry ive just been strugglinG..........okay so I know these apologetic author’s notes get super repetitive, buT IM GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS. THE REASON I HAVENT BEEN UPDATING (besides being so freakin busy from fall semester…) IS BECAUSE I CAN’T MAKE UP MY DAMN MIND. I already had an ending in mind but then all this stuff happened and everythings crazy and idk its just not possible for me to choose between either istg. But I mustn’t let my own emotions get the best of my story and I will finish this plot the best I can and spare my poor heart lmao 

REALLY THO IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN ALMOST YEAR I MYSELF HATE IT WHEN AN AUTHOR DOESNT UPDATE BUT IM HERE OK I WILL FINISH THIS STUPID THING EVEN IF IT KILLS ME (which it probs will bc idk how to live in a world where i have to choose between baek and jongin)

jesus christ it's been so long that the last time i updated kris was still in exo. SIGHS FOR AN ETERNITY WEVE LOST TWO MEMBERS SINCE IVE UPDATED. so much has happened omg crying. but if you're curious, the baekyeon taeyeon thing didn't make me too crazy bc shes my queen and honestly if baek has a girlfriend im glad its not someone i hate. and as jongin said earlier, if he's happy im happy lol ok this scandal was like 6 months ago bye. 

SIDENOTE FOR ANNA DONT U DARE LISTEN TO BAEKHYUN SING MY TURN TO CRY TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE WRITING A JONGIN SCENE HOLY

also I haven't forgotten the giveaway at all!! If you're curious if you've won or just want to check out some funny/very well thought out opinions on the story check out this blog post!