“I wish we had more time,” Jongin admits, resting his hands under his chin.

“We can push the date, Jongin. It is our wedding after all.”

“We could, but I don’t know if I want to do that,” he says tilting his head slightly to face me. “I’ve just been looking forward to that day for a while and pushing it even further away seems a little,” he pauses, looking for the right word, “irritating.”

“Sorry…” I mutter truthfully. Jongin has been waiting for our wedding day since the day we got back together when he came back from college. As a matter of fact, he had suggested the idea that we get married a week after he came back. I was so appalled by it. Not only were we only back together for a mere week, but he just threw the idea out like it wasn’t a big deal… and he didn’t even have a ring to offer me. But that’s beside the point. He has been wanting to marry me for a while now and now that we’re finally nearing our wedding day, I ruined everything.

“I wish I could tell you that it’s not your fault,” Jongin says. “It’s the normal response to sorry. But… it is your fault.” He sighs loudly. “I want so badly to place the blame on myself so we can just move on, but I can’t. It’s on you. And I know you want to fix this as much as I do, but I don’t know if you know that.”

“I do want to fix this, Jongin,” I declare, sweeping the hair out of my eyes. “I really do.”

“You do?” he echoes, seemingly amused.

“Yeah, I do,” I repeat, a little confused by his tone.

“Do you?”

“I do,” I say again, trying not to get annoyed.

“You really do?”

I glance at him from the sides of my eyes and reply, “Yes, Jongin, I do.”

“Okay, but are you sure that you-”

“Yes, I’m sure Jongin, stop asking!” I wail, standing up, finally losing my patience.

He stands up as well and glances down at me with an amused face. “The correct phrase is, ‘I do’.” I glare up at him and try not to roll my eyes.

“Are you serious right now?” I press, wondering how he could be so immature in a moment like this. “We need to be having a serious conversation right now, Jongin.”

He throws his hands up in surrender. “I know, I know. Calm down with the laser eyes.” I sigh and soften my eyes, and he chuckles as he puts his hands back down. “It’s just that I’d always try and get you to say those two words and you’d never say them!” I try to think back, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. “I’d ask you a lot of ‘Do you’ questions and you’d never say ‘I do’. It was always ‘yeah’ or ‘sure’ or ‘whatever’ and never ‘I do’. I always wondered if you were even capable of saying those words. It’s just a little funny to me that they came out when I wasn’t even trying to get them out, you know?”

“You are so dumb,” I tease. “Were you worried that when the day came, I wouldn’t say ‘I do’?” I ask, genuinely curious.

“Um, kinda? But now that that’s settled and I know that you can actually say those words, I’m still worried that you won’t be able to say them.” His smile fades, and the heavy aura quickly returns around us.
 

I grab his hand and I had almost forgotten what holding his hand even felt like. “I was being serious earlier. I really do want to fix this,” I say looking straight into his eyes, hoping the message is getting across.

He glances down at our hands and then back up to me. “Okay,” he replies quietly, in almost a whisper, giving my hand a squeeze. I feel a little more hope well up inside me and it’s finally starting to feel like we actually have a chance.

“Okay,” I repeat, hinting a small smile.

“Then we’ll keep the date,” he says quietly, but firmly.

Some of me is panicking on the inside, but I figure it’s just nerves that I won’t get everything done in time. All that matters is that Jongin is willing to forgive me and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

He gives my hand a last squeeze before letting go and putting it in his pocket. “I’ll see you at home,” he says with a small smile as he places his hand back in mine. I look into his eyes as I feel cold metal land into my fingers as he lets go again. He heads to his car and I watch him, wondering how I lucked out with such a man.

I did probably the most unforgivable thing a girl could ever do to a long term boyfriend and here is, willing to forgive me and still wanting to marry me. I made a horrible mistake and the fact that he can so easily forgive me impresses me and worries me at the same time. Is Jongin only doing this because we’ve been together for so long or because he actually loves me? I know Jongin’s always been the forgiving type, but I’m worried I’m being forgiven too easily and maybe even for the wrong reason.

Is he forgiving me because he genuinely loves me and believes that we can get through this or is it only because we’ve been dating for so long? We’ve always been this perfect couple and I know Jongin loves being exact and precise and perfect.

Our relationship has never been so rocky before and I’m worried he’s not looking at it the right way. Something like this shouldn’t be so easily fixed. It should take cooperation, and negotiation, and time. Sure, Jongin and I have had our fair share of fights and brawls, but I’ve never really realized how fast Jongin was at forgiving me, or trying to be forgiven even.

Jongin and I had gotten into a serious, full blown fight a while ago and during the fight I even believed that we were going to break up right then and there. Jongin had suddenly become so invested with his work that he was never home. He’d come home late at night when I was either about to fall asleep or already asleep and he’d leave in the morning before I’d even wake up. He slept in on weekends and when he’d wake up, I would think that we’d finally have time together, but he’d just end up back at the office. It was getting so tiring falling asleep alone and waking up alone and just feeling like I was alone all the time.

We almost had no physical contact for a month and we talked more on the phone than we did in person, and most of it was texting. I knew Jongin was trying really hard to get a promotion, but he was really pushing it. Life is all about balance and he just did not understand what he was doing to me or our relationship.

When I finally decided to bring it up to him, I waited for him to come home till 3 in the morning and he was so confused about why I was so angry. He said all this stuff about him doing this for me and our future. He honestly never had to try so hard for a promotion. We were doing fine. We were living in a decent place and we weren’t tight on expenses, but Jongin wanted us to have a perfect life, so he needed to do everything he could to get it.

I really exploded when I asked him if our relationship was good enough for him at the time and he replied with a no. I was so furious that I threw him out of the house and into the rain. How could he have said that it wasn't good enough? Our relationship was perfect like it’s always been. 

But I guess he realized that, because he waited out in the rain for the rest of the night and he profusely apologized and begged for forgiveness. Maybe I was too blinded by his soaking wet exterior to realize that something like this should have been talked through and not so easily brushed over.

I’m worried that Jongin’s devotion to perfection is actually superficial. Did we only get back together after college because he knew I wanted a long term relationship after so many failed dates? Why don’t we ever fight for longer than a couple of days? What exactly does Jongin think about me? About us?

Now that I’m finally thinking about it, I’m worried that there’s more to this picture that I’m not seeing.

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Long time no see guys ^^ Finally pushed an update out lol today's my birthday and I'm not doing anything till later and I'm in a good mood so I figured that I might as well write since I had nothing better to do with my time lol. So here you guys go, we learn that maybe perfect Jongin is a little too perfect. Didn't think that was possible, eh? (Although irl jongin actually can be too perfect sometimes do u know what im sayin)

Also, don't birthdays seem to lose excitement every year you get older? Today just feels like a normal day lol Maybe it's just because I'm fresh out of high school and birthdays are just like any other day now until they're like milestone ages? or maybe I just miss birthday parties with bouncy castles and goodie bags too much lmao getting older is lame