I only saw Baekhyun once during the whole day and it was on my lunch break. He was walking into an Italian place across the street from the burger joint Jongdae suggested we go for lunch today. We were on our way out when we made eye contact and I noticed he was with Minseok, the guy we were talking about earlier. He sent me that same closed smile as he held the door open for Minseok before disappearing inside.

Maybe it was a good thing he was across the street because I still don’t know what to say to him.

As Hyosung and I leave the office at the end of the day, I secretly hope that Baekhyun would leave at the same time as us, but as I get a slight view of him in his office, he’s holding a phone to his ear with his shoulder and is diligently typing away. As earlier, I figure it’s a good thing.

When we reach Hyosung’s car, I immediately the back of the skirt, finally allowing my lungs to take in a decent breath. I’m sure my organs were also thankful after being squeezed together for 8 hours straight.

I doze off in the car ride home, well, to Hyosung’s home, realizing that I still had a lot of unfinished business. Now that the weekend was finally here, work could no longer distract me from what I was trying to avoid. I couldn’t hide anymore. The wedding is officially in a week after today.

I had an appointment to retry on my dress tomorrow to make sure it still fit and also make sure that all of the bridesmaids’ dresses also fit. I had to make sure the catering menu was right and see that all the decorations fit together and ensure that we had a backup plan in case it would be too windy or God forbid, it rained that day. I also needed to confirm that all the family flying in had a place to stay and that no one in the bridal party would be flying in late.

But all of these things were all trivial if there was no wedding to attend in the first place.

I didn’t even care about all the money that would be wasted if the wedding was canceled. Or that so many people had saved the date months ago for nothing. Or that a wedding planner was making a living off of this wedding. I could only think about the person that was supposed to be waiting for me at the end of the aisle, eyes only on me, despite the hundred people sitting in the wooden pews and my father linked to my arm. He had been waiting for this moment for seven years and I had potentially ruined it from ever happening.

“Um, hey,” Hyosung voices and I snap back to reality. “Isn’t that Jongin’s car?” she asks as we pull up to her house.

I look up from the dashboard and sure enough, his dark blue Tesla is parked on the curb, right behind mine. I look through the back windshield to see if he’s inside, but it’s empty. As we pull in, I notice he’s sitting on Hyosung’s doorsteps looking directly into the car and into my eyes.

He’s wearing his work attire again, which thankfully isn’t formal enough to remind me that he came home wearing a suit yesterday. Over at the Twitter office, they believed in ‘Casual Friday’. His hair is styled up the way it usual is for work but he’s in jeans, a tucked in button up under a grey sweater, that I bought him for his birthday earlier in the year. Things were much simpler back then.

He stands up on the first step as Hyosung and I exit the car. I try to mentally prepare myself for the conversation I’m about to have, but nonetheless, my heart continues to beat rapidly and the rushing in my head doesn’t cease in the least bit. I didn’t think this moment would come so soon. I thought Jongin would need more time to think things over and be away from his cruel, cruel fiancée. But Jongin’s too rational. He knows the weddings in a week. And he knows the things that need to happen in order for that wedding to happen. The much needed time isn’t on our side and we can’t rely on time to fix things. The responsibility is solely on our own shoulders.

I awkwardly stand in front of him, holding up my ped skirt with both hands clutching the zipper in the back together. Hyosung stands beside me and sheepishly smiles up at Jongin.

He lets out a chuckle, shaking his head at her. “Go inside, Hyo,” he directs her and she mischievously smiles back and swiftly walks up the steps past him. Back in Jongin and I’s earlier days of dating, Hyosung would always try to stay with me so that Jongin and I wouldn’t get into a fight if I ever came home too late from a party or a club. Of course, Jongin knew what she was doing and would send her away, but we never would fight anyway. Getting home late was never a big deal for Jongin, but Hyosung loved us together, so she would protect our relationship like it was her own.

I wonder why Hyosung never stepped in to stop me earlier, but maybe she thought I would even go behind her own back. I wonder if things would be different if Hyosung would have just watched me more carefully that first night with Baekhyun. I need to stop wondering though, because I can’t just place the blame on my best friend. I make my own decisions.

Before she steps inside, she turns around and mouths me a ‘Good Luck’ with an encouraging thumbs up. When the door closes, Jongin brings his eyes back to mine and looks down at me since he’s a standing a step above the ground level I’m standing on. He has on the same closed smile Baekhyun had been looking at me with today, almost as if they were the same person. I almost want to laugh. Things would be a lot easier if Baekhyun and Jongin were the same person.

He steps down from the step and I no longer have to look up so high to meet his eyes. “Hi,” he greets calmly after a long silence. A whole day to think things over and all he’s got to say to me is ‘hi’. Typical Jongin.

“Hi,” I reply timidly, as if I hadn’t known him for a majority of my life.

“Why are you clutching the back of your skirt like it’s going to fall?” he asks, eyebrows clinching together.

I blush and hold it tighter. “…Um… Because it is going to fall…” I murmur.

He steps around me and glances at my back and laughs when he sees. “Hyosung didn’t even lend you a proper skirt,” he chuckles. “Do you want to change first before we talk?”

“I-I don’t have to,” I say to him. He’s now standing beside me, facing the door like me, already insinuating that I should change anyway.

“Just go,” he says shaking his head and gently pushing my lower back. I’m surprised by the contact. I miss his touch. Jongin and I hadn’t properly had any skin contact whatsoever since he’s been back. Well, besides him pushing me out of the house and all…

I slowly walk up the steps and turn back to him. “Are you sure? I really can endure holding this up.” Maybe I’m slightly referring to our relationship, but I really could deal with holding the stupid skirt up.

“You’ll come back right?” Jongin asks, and I wonder if he too was referring to our relationship.

I sigh. “Of course I’ll come back, Jongin.”

He slightly smiles and nods his head to the door. I oblige and open the door, but it hits something and only opens slightly. I push again and it opens right away, but before I can be confused about the situation, I notice Hyosung dashing through the hallway as if she could actually make it seem like she wasn’t standing at the door listening to our conversation.

“You couldn’t listen from your window upstairs?” I ask, shaking my head at her as I walk up the stairs to her room. She comes out from her hiding spot in the kitchen and catches up with me on the stairs.

“I thought I’d miss something if I went all the way up there…”

“He’s acting so nice,” I comment, disregarding her eavesdropping. She was going to hear about it anyway, so I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

“That’s because he is nice,” she says opening her drawer and handing me a pair of cotton shorts as I grab the sweater she loaned me the night before. When I put the clothes on, she looks at me with a serious face. “I’m behind you no matter what, okay?” She smiles that closed smile everyone’s been giving me today and sends me back downstairs. As I leave I see her heading to her bedroom window and I shake my head.

When I open the door, I notice that Jongin’s sitting down on the steps again. I quietly close the door and gently set myself beside him, allowing a little space between us.

He’s staring out into the distance and I follow his eyes wondering what he’s looking at, but there’s nothing special across from us. No one’s on the street in Hyosung’s quiet neighborhood and there’s nothing special about the almost identical townhouses across the street.

“I’m sorry for kicking you out last night,” he says, looking away from the nothing he was staring at and bringing his eyes back to mine.

“You did what you had to,” I tell him. He really wasn’t the one that should be feeling sorry.
 

He runs a hand through his perfectly tousled hair. “We’re supposed to get married next week,” he says. I dwell on the word ‘supposed’ and I wonder if he’s going to end us.

“I know.” I’ve done a lot of not knowing lately, but this, I’m sure of. It was the one piece of knowledge that kept my foot in reality.

“If I hadn’t have found out, would you have told me?” The question hit me like a bag of bricks. I wasn’t going to just hide this from him forever, was I? I always was worried about what I would do if Jongin ever found out, but I guess I never really thought about what I would do if he never did. I couldn’t have just kept something like this from him forever, could I? Sure it would have spared his feelings, but how could I have ever lived with a secret like that for the rest of my life?

“Of course I was going to tell you. I just… didn’t know how to,” I honestly reply.

“I mean… I guess I understand. You’re afraid I’m not ‘the one’ right? You can’t just simply tell your boyfriend of many years that you cheated on him because you’re making sure he’s the one you want to be with for the rest of your life.”

I don’t say anything. Mainly because I don’t know how right Jongin’s explanation is. I was never afraid of being with him for the rest of my life. We made it through so many years, no problem. Forever seemed like nothing.

“Okay, so maybe that’s not it,” he says staring down at his shoes.

I know exactly what he’s doing. I couldn’t come up with an answer myself, so of course he’s trying to fill in the blanks himself. I couldn’t let him be on this scavenger hunt that he didn’t even start. It’s just not fair.

Maybe it’s time to finally come clean and bring to light what I’ve been hiding from myself this entire time.

“You don’t have to solve this problem, Jongin. It’s my fault. Let me,” I say, straightening my posture and taking a deep breath. His eyes open a little wider and he sits up as well, watching me intently.

“I was bored,” I say simply.

“Bored?” I realize ‘bored’ easily came off as offensive, and quickly began to explain.

“I didn’t know I was bored until I had a taste of something so… thrilling? I don’t understand it, but I liked the feeling of falling, even if it meant hurting you. I just wish I didn’t let myself succumb to the craving of wanting more. It’s not like you’re boring in anyway, Jongin. You take me on surprise dates all the time, and you cook things you’ve never even fathomed just because I thought it looked good on the food channel, and you argue with me even though you know I’m right, but you just like making me mad because it means hot makeup after and you’re one of the only guys I know that’s not afraid of commitment. You’re amazing and maybe someone like me doesn’t deserve someone as amazing as you. I’m weak. I gave in to a temporary thrill and I don’t know why I thought I could make it last. Roller coaster rides are only designed to be a few minutes for a reason.”

“You’re not weak,” Jongin inputs and I prop my head up on the arm resting on my knee and look directly at him. “You could have just agreed with what I said earlier and let this conversation be done and we could have gotten back together based on a lie. Or you could’ve kept this thing hidden for the rest of our lives and let me live in oblivion. That’s what a coward would do and clearly, you’re not a coward.”

“I guess not,” I admit. We look at each other for a moment and I notice in his eyes that he’s trying so hard to forgive me. I wonder if Jongin could ever look at me the same way; without trying to look at me the same way or if he could ever look at me without picturing Baekhyun. But I guess the real question is if I could look at him without ever thinking of Baekhyun.

And after coming clean with myself…

 I think I can. 

My favorite use of line space as usual ;A: I'm not going to give anything away about the plot, but things aren't over till they're over ok. That's all I'm gonna say. lol 

School starts Monday for me, so I apologize in advance for long breaks in between chapters T_T I'm taking 21 units this semester please bear with me OTL

Also I put up the foreword of that Mark One Shot if any of you are interested :3 Some of you may already know if you read my little author message a few days ago but idk if everyone sees those lol but anyway tHE TITLE IS AMAZING OK IM STILL CRYING ABOUT IT BECAUSE WOW WHO KNEW I WAS SO CLEVER. hahaha ok im kidding (but really I'm not) It's just wow. See for yourself. (ok why am i such a loser lmao)