“Did Baekhyun say he was having lunch with a guy named Chanyeol?” Jongin asks as we walk out of the building. I’m still burning on the inside and I can only hope that it’s not showing.

“Uh, yeah,” I say, trying to keep myself together.

“Is he like a tall guy? And his ears kinda stick out?” Jongin continues and I nod my head at him, confused as to how he would know that. “Hm that’s one of Kyungsoo’s close friends. I met him at his wedding I think. What a small world,” he chuckles.

Wait till you hear what Chanyeol’s best friend is doing… Your world’s a lot smaller than you think it is, Jongin.

I can’t help myself from being distracted during lunch with Jongin. I mostly push my food around my plate and Jongin takes notice of it right away.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks, placing his hand over mine and I almost flinch away, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t ever let my guard down if I ever wanted to get past this.

Did that mean I’d already made my decision to not tell Jongin?

I don’t know. But it’s the easiest thing to do at the moment.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little stressed about the wedding,” I reply, rubbing my temple with my free hand and closing my eyes. Lying to Jongin never gets any easier and nothing hurt more than Jongin’s concerned eyes piercing into my own at the moment. It’s just an aching reminder that the man in front of me is in love with me and truly cares about me.

I hate that I have to keep asking myself if I truly love Jongin because the answer always will be and still is yes. Whether or not it is true was unknown to me amongst other things, but it kept me wondering what love even meant at this point.

Sure, I love Jongin. I love the way he’s always been there and how he knows me more than I know myself—although that statement probably isn’t as true as it used to be. He knows what upsets me and what makes me happy and above everything he loves me as I am. And that’s all a girl could ever need, isn’t it?

But does cheating on your husband degrade your love for them? Do I love Jongin more or less because I cheated on him? When I think about it, I love him the same. But now, I am always questioning that love. Whether or not that love is really what I want.
 

These thoughts almost always travel to Baekhyun. He’s in love with me—or so he thinks. I don’t like believing that I love him back, but I know I'm just in denial. I always thought that if you could force yourself to feel some way, over time, you would eventually get used to it and it would feel normal. I tried forcing myself to believe I didn’t love Baekhyun, but when it comes down to it, the more I try, the further I fall.

Loving Baekhyun: It’s exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I can’t put it into words like I can with Jongin. It’s more of a feeling than a fact. It’s a fact that I love Jongin. I’ve known him for a decade. There’s no avoiding loving him. But with Baekhyun… I know something’s there. And it may or may not be love, but whatever it is, it keeps bringing me back to him. Over and over and over again. I think it’s love. It’s just not the same kind of love I feel with Jongin.

So there I finally have it.

I love Jongin.

And I love Baekhyun.

What I’m supposed to do with that information, I have no idea. But at least I’ve finally come to terms with my own feelings.

Decision making comes naturally to everyone at birth. You like things and you don’t like things. You do some things and you avoid other things. It’s one of the most basic and important skills of life. You decide what you want to eat, what you want to wear, what your career will be, and who you end up spending the rest of your life with…
 

“You’re not already going bridezilla on me, are you?” Jongin interrupts my reverie with his usual jokes to ease the tension.

 I shake my head and smile at him. “You’re the last person I’d ever explode on.”

***
 

Lunch was nice. Sure, I kept comparing Jongin and Baekhyun the entire time. But it was nice.

When I get back, Baekhyun’s sitting in the waiting room by the entrance and he jumps to his feet as soon as I walk through the sliding doors. He doesn’t stop me in place, or even speak up first. He just steps next to me and matches my pace, glancing at me for any clue as to what went on.

I wonder how long he was waiting there and as we walk to the elevator I look back towards Chanyeol’s office to see his door wide open. I remember how he said he would always watch us walk to the elevator and this only proved his point. I make eye contact with him and catch him off guard. He quickly shuffles his hands around his desk and tries to look busy with his computer.

I naturally laugh. I ponder over what Baekhyun told Chanyeol about me. Obviously they talk to each other about these things and I can’t help but want to know if he asks him if I watch him when he’s not looking, or if he thinks I’ll like the tie he’s wearing, or if I’m a better choice than Minkyung is. I want to know.

“He told me I shouldn’t have told you that I'm in love with you,” Baekhyun says, practically reading my mind. I choke on air when I hear the ‘L’ word again. It’s a hard word to get used to hearing. Especially if it’s coming from a different mouth than you’re used to.

I’m baffled by Baekhyun’s bravery of bringing it up again though. Those words weren’t very easy to say, let alone even think about, but here he was, bringing them up again.

“Why’s that?” I ask, entertaining the subject.

“He said it’ll clog up your mind and force you to choose between two people that you lo-” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Two people. You have to choose between two people,” he corrects.

I sigh, and think of a world where I could just have the both of them. It’s a nice world. I have two people waiting for me at the altar and two people to love and care about me. I'd grow old with the both of them and we'd all be one big happy family. The saying was always, “Two is better than one.” It frustrated me that the motto didn’t really work in my situation. 

Can I just dump the oc and put baekai together OTL (THEY'RE ALREADY A THING IN REAL LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THOSE GROWL PERFORMANCES)