So perhaps it hadn’t been the best idea, sleeping with his best friend. Scratch that, it definitely wasn’t the best idea, but to Donghae, he didn’t know what else to think, to do. He was rash and he didn’t think through his actions, and that always led him into stupid things, but he knew Ryeowook didn’t blame him, and just wanted to be there for him. It might not have fixed anything, but it soothed him for one night.

Wookie didn’t really regret it, either. He had never hidden his -like tendencies; he liked , and he wasn’t ashamed of it. And if being able to have made someone feel better, well, that was an added bonus. They’d both been selfish that night, and that was fine. Wookie was feeling -deprived and wanted to help Hae, and Hae, well, Hae was heart-broken. He wanted to know if this Hyukjae knew how much this killed Donghae, or whether he just saw the constant running away. Wookie wasn’t stupid, he knew that was the way Donghae dealt with the things he didn’t like; he ran away from them.

And that might work when he wasn’t in close quarters from the man he was running away from, but he was, and there was no real way to get away from Hyukjae. He knew Donghae knew that he had heard Donghae’s last words to Hyukjae before he had run away. Personally, Ryeowook thought it was probably the best thing he could say. It certainly explained Hae’s erratic behaviour to the presumably very confused Eunhyuk. Ryeowook thought it was all a bit of a mess, and now he’d gone and got himself entangled in it. But that was alright; he was here for his friends, always, albeit in an unusual way.

He wondered if he should play matchmaker, push Hae and Hyukjae back together, but then he remembered that Hyukjae had a boyfriend and that Hae would never forgive him for trying to push them back together. So there it was, a complete mess, Donghae sleeping fitfully next to him and Wookie kept awake, trying to figure out his best friend’s confusing love life.

Hyukjae had no idea what to think. He had no idea. What on earth had Hae told him that for, what was going on, just…what? He still loved him. Great. Just what he needed. Something else to make him spiral into a muddle of conflicting emotions. Even the thrill of their chasing the tornado couldn’t quite make it any less stupid. Half of his mind was still trying to tell him to ignore it all and go back to Sungmin, but the other wanted, no, needed to know what he actually felt. He couldn’t around. It wasn’t fair to anyone. He didn’t want to be like Donghae, and he didn’t want to run away.

He knew underneath all the silly running away and childish actions, Donghae was actually a good person. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, Hyukjae was sure of that. It was just all a bit much, perhaps? Whatever it was, Hyukjae just knew, as he always did, that Donghae never wanted to hurt anyone, he was just so stupid at facing up to his problems. That didn’t excuse it, no, and Hyukjae knew he was quite angry, in a way, because he didn’t understand. Why had Donghae split up with him if he still loved him? Surely that didn’t add up?

It was a miserable thought, stuck in his hotel room, that perhaps Donghae would never have broken up with him. If he’d heard that Donghae still wanted him, oh, about a year ago, he would have leapt at the chance to have him back, but it was so much more complicated than that now. He didn’t want to want to go back, because Sungmin was involved. Sungmin, who was sweet and kind, and who loved him, who really didn’t deserve this. But that didn’t make it any easier.

Because he knew he had been about to kiss back, and that was wrong. Donghae might be the one more in the wrong for kissing him first, but Hyukjae couldn’t escape the niggling doubt that if Donghae hadn’t run away, he would have been kissing him back just as fiercely. And that is both worrying and unsurprising. Sora had said he was still half in love with Donghae. Was his big sister right? He knew she would never have said it if she hadn’t meant it, but that didn’t make it okay. It didn’t make it fair or a good thing in any way.

It only made him feel worse, because a part of him didn’t want to do anything, and run away like Donghae always did. But he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t hurt Sungmin in that way. He wished it wasn’t like this. He wished he was at home, where he could discuss this with Sungmin properly, and if he decided to let him go, do it honourably. So far, he’d done nothing too bad, nothing that warranted him feeling proper guilt, but if he wasn’t careful, he would.

Because Donghae still loved him, and that was too much of a temptation, even if he still wasn’t sure about what he felt, or what Donghae really, really felt underneath all the passive-aggressive flight. He’d rather be at home, where he could talk to someone about it, and chase down Donghae to explain just what the hell he thought he was doing. He had Hyukjae in a spin, a real mind-, and the tiny, darkly resentful part of him almost thought Donghae was doing that deliberately.

There was also his guilt about the tornado chasing, because he knew that he should have listened to Donghae. It had been unkind of him to get so close when he knew all about Donghae’s fears, intimately so, and could have saved Donghae that anguish by not getting so close. But when he was in that state, so hyper-tense and excited, it never really got through to him and really, on a subconscious level somewhere, he felt he was probably doing it to get back at Donghae.

And that was not very nice at all, but he was a little angry, and that was understandable.

Donghae spent the next day pretending that he was working, listening to Yesung and Siwon, but he wasn’t really. His mind was still on Hyukjae’s mouth and on that stupid, stupid confession. He knew Wookie understood, and he was grateful to him for being the source of his comfort that night. He was also grateful on a deeper level; grateful for the fact that he had a friend he could depend on so heavily, and on Wookie’s part, he was just glad that Hae wasn’t crying anymore. Donghae even cracked a distracted smile when Wookie began his usual dance between Henry and Yesung, Siwon rolling his eyes as he tried to get Yesung’s attention back on the analyser and Wookie’s back in the photos he was supposed to be developing.

Hyukjae didn’t come into the lab, not once, and Donghae felt a guilty twinge, because he knew it was all because of him. He’d screwed up a lot of things in his life, but this was one of the more idiotic things he’d done, and the bemusement Hyuk must be feeling was all because of him. He didn’t know Sungmin, but he seemed like a good person, and it wasn’t fair to him, either. Donghae owed them an apology, and he silently promised himself that he would end it.

He would say sorry to Hyukjae, and he would tell him to forget that ridiculous confession, and then he would leave it at that. He would try to get over Hyukjae, properly this time. And then he wouldn’t be such a and sleep with his best friend again, even though he knew Wookie understood and didn’t think any less of him. He wasn’t taking advantage of Wookie, he knew, but still…it wasn’t exactly classy. But then, he wasn’t that classy of an individual. Anyone could attest to that.

And that was why he sat at the hotel bar that evening. Wookie had given him a hug and whispered that he wouldn’t be in their room because he would be terrorizing Yesung tonight, and that Siwon had hooked up with that girl. Donghae had had to chuckle at his insatiable little best friend, who had remained bright and perky, even after last night (Donghae was unwilling to think about whether or not that said anything his skills in bed). He’d just hugged back and gone to get himself a drink. He’d rather be alone, anyway. It would make it easier to think about what he would say to Hyukjae.

The beer was good, he thought. It was just enough to keep him slightly fuzzy, but not drunk enough to do anything he shouldn’t. He’d finish this one, and then he’d go back to the empty room. He could order room service, or something. Distraction was key, because he didn’t want to wallow and he wanted a way to figure out this mess he’d created. He didn’t want to be a weak and cowardly person.

But that was what he was, what with his usual trick of running away and confusing his ex. God knows what he thought of him. He was probably angry, and if he knew Hyukjae, he was probably a little hurt too. He still didn’t quite know why Donghae had left him, and that was because Donghae had never really bothered to inform him. He had a lot of things to atone for, and he could set this straight, and then leave Hyukjae to Sungmin, who obviously deserved him more than Donghae did, and could give him more.

Donghae might know him on a deeper level, and he might understand Hyukjae more, and hell, he probably even loved him more deeply and profoundly, due to knowing him so well, but if Sungmin was what Hyukjae wanted, well, who was he to stand in the way? He was a nothing, a nobody in the scheme of things, and ruining a perfectly good relationship was selfish and a bad, bad idea.  His apology would suffice, and he should move on, find someone else like Hyuk had. He didn’t believe he’d love them as much, and maybe that was true, but Hyukjae wasn’t coming back, and that was his fault, no one else’s, and if he didn’t face up to that he was even more pathetic.

The beer made this point stick in his mind as it slid down his throat. He had to make it right, and he had to leave it. In this instance, his running away would be better for everyone all round. Or at least, that was what he thought it would be.

He didn’t count on Hyukjae coming in, but then, it made his apologising quicker, he guessed. He watched closely, as Hyukjae wended his way through various customers. He was reminded of an earlier time, when Hyukjae and he were young, and Hyukjae had a job as a waiter. Back then, he’d sneak away to where Donghae was sat and sneak secret kisses. It was so much sweeter back then. When all they had to worry about was how they were going to afford the rent on their flat that month and if they’d get their degrees. They had been so sure of their love for one another…

And now they were reduced to angry words and confused kisses. It hurt, even more than it already did when he thought about it like that. Hyukjae sat next to him, noting the bottle in his hand. He wondered if Hae was drunk. Maybe then he’d get some actual answers out of him. But he didn’t have to start off the conversation, because Donghae, thumb tracing the rim of the bottle, started it first.

“I’m sorry.” It was just loud enough for Hyukjae to hear, and he turned around, eyes widening a little. Donghae blinked back solemnly. “I mean it. I know I haven’t explained anything, and I’ve messed a lot up…but I am sorry. I’m sorry for just going, I’m sorry for kissing you, and I’m sorry for that”-a brief laugh here-“ridiculous scene in the car yesterday. You know me. Emotional stability isn’t one of my talents.” His lip curled up at that, and he shrugged. Hyukjae still didn’t say anything. “I’m an idiot, and you should just forget about all this. Ignore what I said, I was tense and stupid, and it doesn’t matter.”

At last, Hyukjae spoke up. “Ignore everything? I still don’t really know why you even left, Hae.” He told him gently.

Hae closed his eyes, pressing his fingers to his forehead. “Oh that, that, Hyukkie…” The old nickname fell so naturally from his lips. He looked up at him, not wanting to lie, or hide, not when he knew he’d never see him again. “I thought that you would…” He swallowed, trying to find the courage. “I thought you’d end up dying, like dad.” The last part was said in a whisper, because it was a pathetic excuse and he knew it, but it was all he had.

Hyukjae could have cursed. He kind of understood, but at the same time, it was such a horrible thing to have broken up with, that he didn’t know what to say. So he said nothing, and Donghae carried on. “So I left, because you always liked to get too damn close, and all I could ever think was that one day, you’d get too close, and I’d lose you, out of the blue, no warning. And I couldn’t take that, so I thought it was best to leave before that. It’s not enough, I know… I’m just sorry.” He swallowed again, trying to stop the block in his throat from becoming tears.

Hyukjae’s head was spinning. He didn’t quite know what to say to that. If that was the only reason, the only, only reason Hae had gone… It made it all worse, the gut-wrenching feeling of thinking Hae didn’t love him having been pointless, and all of the work he had put in trying to get over  him wouldn’t have had to happen if he wasn’t so into his job. He could cry in frustration, because this made it all so much harder.

“I’m a ing idiot.” Donghae choked out. “And I ruined something for you, and I didn’t mean to. I’ll go away when we get home, I promise, and you can go back to Sungmin, because you did nothing wrong. It’s all me. I make everything a mess…I mean, god, I even did it with Wookie, again, because I just can’t do anything right. And I’m sorry.” The last few sentences came out in a mumbled rush, and Donghae clamped his mouth shut as a tear trickled down, wiping it away angrily.

But all Hyuk could think about was the mention of Wookie. I even did it with Wookie, again. Again. Again. Again. He could feel anger burning in the pit of his stomach, and his fingers gripped the sleeve of his jacket.  He couldn’t think of anything to say, not when he didn’t want to register the anger that the thought of Donghae sleeping with Wookie brought. It didn’t matter that Donghae wasn’t his, and it didn’t matter that he had slept with Sungmin himself countless times. No, what mattered was the thought of Donghae for someone else, and Donghae choosing someone else.

Oh, how he hated the rush of feelings Donghae always seemed to induce. There was no going back. He had to admit it. His sister had been right. He was still in love with Donghae. And he was hurt, and he was angry, and he was confused, and he wanted it all to go away, as he sank onto the stool next to Donghae, his head in his hands.

“Hyuk?” Donghae tried, pulling at him, wishing he hadn’t done this, wishing he was still his.

“Hae.” Hyukjae answered, staring up at his ex.  What was he supposed to do? He wanted to run away, but that wasn’t what he did, no. He wanted Sungmin, but that wasn’t really real. He wanted it to stop making him feel like this. He wanted Donghae. And that, that was the overriding feeling. Donghae was pulling at his sleeve, trying desperately to make that expression go away, and then suddenly, they were moving closer, Donghae’s head bumping against Hyukjae’s.

The “Sorry” was muffled when they both came up at the same time, Donghae pulling away, blushing a little, as Hyukjae tugged him back.

What he was going to do, he didn’t know, as Donghae’s eyes, clouded with tears, looked back. All he knew was that it wasn’t what he wanted to do, no, he was furious with his body for disobeying him, as his hands moved to grab Donghae’s shirt and pull him forward, and finally, kiss him so angrily, it left Donghae gasping.