Donghae felt the shift of the bed as Wookie got up and left, obviously thinking he’d given in. He wasn’t moving though, his head still buried in his pillow. The headache and general hangover feeling weren’t as bad as they could have been, and he knew the nausea would pass soon. But he didn’t want to get up and go site-seeing. He wanted to stay in bed and pretend that he wasn’t upset about Hyukjae and that the stupid things he’d said yesterday hadn’t come out of his mouth.

He wasn’t trying to be mean and ignore Ryeowook. He just really didn’t want to go out, and to be honest, he didn’t think there was going to be a hell of a lot to see in Oklahoma. Well, not the kind of things Wookie liked. Besides, Wookie had Siwon and his little entourage. He would be fine. So instead of getting up, he pulled the blue blanket over his head and burrowed into the bed.

Again, he felt the bed sink down. He groaned inwardly, preparing to have an argument with Wookie where he ignored the serious aegyo. When he pushed the cover off, he was not brought face to face with Wookie, however. It was Siwon he saw. Siwon gave him a smile.

“Are you coming with us?” It was a simple question, one with a yes or no answer, and if he told Siwon he wasn’t going, then Siwon could tell Wookie he wasn’t coming.

“No.” He told him. Siwon nodded.

“I don’t think Ryeowook quite grasped the fact that this isn’t New York or anywhere.” He chuckled lightly, the corner of his mouth quirking up lightly. “Not to say that Oklahoma doesn’t have anything. I just don’t know it well enough. Apart from that musical, of course.” He chuckled again, louder this time. “Not that I really watched it and I doubt it’s a realistic depiction.”

“Don’t go then.” Donghae mumbled. Siwon wouldn’t have to; they had Henry for the English. But Siwon shook his head.

“Nah, I don’t really want to stay in here all day. And all the others are doing is organising the rental cars and stuff. Are you going to drive us?” He smirked, and Donghae gave him the finger.

“No. My head hurts.” Donghae grumbled. “Don’t be an . I’m older than you.” Siwon’s smirk grew bigger.

“Four years is nothing, hyung.” He sounded as if he was laughing again. “And I said nothing about the fact that you never understand directions.”

Donghae struggled upward to give Siwon an even bigger glare. “I can read a map. And I always get where I’m supposed to. Just because I got us lost in Incheon for Ryeowook’s birthday party… Why do you always bring that up?” He was seething. It probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal if he wasn’t tired, jet-lagged, and slightly hungover.

Siwon seemed to realise he’d gone a little too far. “Hyung, I’m only teasing…”

Donghae shrugged. “Whatever. I feel like , so can you tell Wook I’m not coming?”  Siwon nodded, getting up off the bed. He chewed on his bottom lip, debating whether or not to ask if this was because of the argument he’d had with Eunhyuk. He was sort of curious about it, and he knew the others were, but perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to ask. In any case, Donghae was back under the duvet, like he had been all night (Donghae was a bed hog, he’d learned), so it didn’t look like he was going to get a response.

Donghae pulled the blanket closer, ignoring the still-hovering Siwon. Siwon shrugged. “Do you not want breakfast?”

“Nah. I’ll get it later.” Donghae told him. “Just go, alright?” Siwon turned to go, telling him he’d see him later.

Donghaer stayed under his blanket, sighing at himself. He was pathetic. It was the second time he’d gotten drunk and done something truly stupid in about a week. What, was he a raging alcoholic now? He knew his family would be ashamed, could almost see the disapproving look of Donghwa-hyung. It would most likely be the same look he had received after he came home from Hyukjae’s nineteenth birthday party (a party that his parents didn’t know about), completely hungover and a little confused. That party had been the first time he and Hyukjae had kissed properly. Their first kiss may or may not have been when they were ten, curious to see what made Donghwa and Sora like it so much. That discovery had been a strange one for the both of them, and one they’d never talked about, because even at that age, they knew that they weren’t quite ready to say for sure this was what they wanted.

He groaned again, bringing his hands up to push his fingers through his hair, pressing his eyes into the heels of his hands. Why was he reliving all of this? Was it just the fact that Hyukjae was here in front of him that was driving him to distraction? He’d been so good at suppressing it, so good at hiding the fact that it still hurt a little, at hiding the fact he didn’t go out with people, at fending off questions about his life.

He knew that his mother worried, sometimes. He could see it in the sad expression she gave him when she asked him if he was being careful with his job. Sometimes he could see the panic in her eyes when she remembered his father, the panic turning to fear that the same fate would happen to her youngest son. But he’d never had that kind of plan. He didn’t want to end his life so swiftly and in such a strange way. He wasn’t Hyukjae; he had never been as fascinated with the disturbingly elegant path a tornado cut as it came whirling towards you.

In his heart of hearts, he always knew he was terrified when it came to that. Hyukjae had always been the one driving the car as they got nearer, choosing to drive away only at the last moment it was safe. He never seemed to notice just how hard Donghae’s hands were clenched, which had always been something that bugged Donghae. Hyukjae had noticed everything else about him, why not this one thing?

He’d hated it, the intense fear that the loud roar of the tornado brought. He could never stop himself remembering his father then. There’d been a video, he remembered.  Somehow, someone had managed to capture the tornado that had taken his father. Not the actual moment, of course…but it had been in the news. There had been footage of the utter destruction, the terrifying realisation that the people in that video were utterly ed. And when he’d seen that,  sat on the sofa, his mother’s arm clutched around him as her knuckles turned white, Donghwa on her other side.

It was at that moment, when he watched his mother try not to cry and his beloved hyung hide his face as the tears came that he decided he wanted to stop that happening. The first one to hear of his plan had been Hyukjae, who watched the news with him again.

Donghae often thought he should have known what was going to happen, because even then, the ten-year old Hyukjae had been transfixed by the image of the tornado going about it’s business. But come on, he was ten. He had no clue that he was going to end up in a relationship with his best friend.

The hotel room was silent now, save for the ticking of the clock and the buzzing of his thoughts. Donghae rolled over, regretting letting everyone go. He wasn’t one for total silence, and he would rather not be left alone with these thoughts. He loved his job, and here he was, in America, a dream come true.  That was what he should be thinking about, and he knew he would be, if Hyukjae wasn’t here.

Donghae was good at compartmentalising; very good, in fact, and it probably wasn’t healthy, but he’d been able to suppress the whole thing with Hyukjae for three years, and he probably could have done it for longer, had Hyukjae not burst back into his life, unexpected and unwanted. But it didn’t mean he’d actually moved on. He rolled his eyes to himself. As Siwon had said; he hadn’t had another relationship in three years. Hell, Siwon was doing better than him, and Siwon had a new girlfriend every few weeks, a source of much amusement for Donghae and the rest of Siwon’s friends.

It was no use, he couldn’t stay in this room any longer. He got up, stretching, his ginger hair a mess and sticking up in different directions. He shivered a little, because it wasn’t all that warm, the morning sunlight streaming through the open curtains weak. His case lay open a few paces away, so he stepped out of the bed and wandered over to it, shrugging on the nearest t-shirt and yawning.  Maybe he should eat.

He knew he couldn’t just walk into the hotel restaurant in a t-shirt and boxers, though, not if he wanted to make a good impression (and Leeteuk had drummed into them that that was what they were to do at all times), so he should shave and shower so that he was at least presentable.  The bathroom was a little untidy, and he could see that Henry and Ryeowook had already looted the hotel’s free stuff. At least he’d brought his own toiletries, and even if he hadn’t, he could always have stolen Siwon’s. Siwon generally had everything. He was organised. Unlike Henry…

An hour later, he was dressed in a loose t-shirt and jeans, his hair still damp and a complete mess, but he didn’t look dead, like he had before.  His wallet was tucked into his jeans pocket, and he ran a hand through his damp hair quickly, trying futilely to make it neater. He was too lazy to actually go through it properly.

The lift was empty when he got there, which was good, because seeing as he’d revealed some highly personal information yesterday, he really did not want to bump into people he knew. Because all of the people he worked with were total gossips, Leeteuk one of the most gossipy among them, and although he knew that Teuk wouldn’t have let anything slip, he had no doubt it was all over the group; Donghae and Eunhyuk used to have , oh my God!

Perhaps leaving the hotel room had not been the best idea. But really, what else could he do? If he hid away from all the stupid things he said and did, he’d never go out again.

The restaurant wasn’t very busy, tucked into the corner of the ground floor, opposite the reception. Donghae had been fortunate not to bump into anyone he knew, but as soon as he rounded the corner, he could see a large crowd of his co-workers sat in the quiet restaurant. But luckily, Leeteuk was among them, his phone attached to his ear as he drank a cup of coffee and scribbled on a piece of paper. Donghae stepped in, cringing as a couple of interested faces lit up at his entrance.  

He scurried over to Leeteuk as fast as he could, clearing his throat to get Leeteuk’s attention. “Hyung.”

Leeteuk looked up, blinking a little, but a smile spread across his face as he registered who it was. “Hae-ah!” He gestured with the hand that held the coffee, some spilling out, scalding the piece of paper on the table. Leeteuk cursed. “. Oh well, Hae, sit down, sit down!”  He put the coffee cup down, a dismayed look on his face as the coffee stain spread across the grid on the sheet he was holding. He sighed. “Lucky I can print a new one out.” He turned to Donghae, who had just sat down on his right, trying to ignore the curious stares of the others sat around the table. “You kind of look like a wreck, Hae.” Leeteuk stated bluntly.

“Hyung! I don’t look that bad…” Donghae said uneasily, his hand going to the back of his neck, massaging away the prickling there from all the stares.

Leeteuk, as usual, ignored him. “Have you eaten? Seriously, you’re too pale.”

“Er, not yet… I just got up.” Donghae told him. Leeteuk scoffed and tugged on his shirt.

“Eat then, you idiot!” He waved over the waiter. “You’re trying the waffles.” He grinned. “I wanted to try theirs, to see whether they were good or not, but I decided on something else. So you’ll be my guinea pig.”

Donghae gave him a flat stare. “Thanks so much hyung.” The only response he got was Leeteuk’s tongue peeping out before he ordered him something in hesitant English.

He wanted to hide his face in his arms, because he knew as soon as Leeteuk disappeared off somewhere, he was totally screwed. Why was he such an idiot? What had possessed him to drink? What had possessed him to reveal that in front of so many people? His family were right when they said he couldn’t be trusted with secrets. He screwed up so bad with his own stories.

Leeteuk went back to his phone, and Donghae pulled one of the printed pages to him. It was a list of who was here, ticked off neatly by Leeteuk, with a little description of what they were here for. “Hyung…” He whispered, not sure if Leeteuk was talking or not. Leeteuk gestured for him to carry on, obviously on hold or something. “You said I was a leader, right?” Leeteuk nodded slowly. “So does that mean I can split everyone in two and uh…Eunhyuk-shii and I have two groups?” Leeteuk gave him a long look.

“If that’s what you want.” He said evenly. “But it’s up to Eunhyuk-shii too, I guess.”

Donghae couldn’t say anything to that. So he just nodded, and waited quietly until his breakfast arrived. He played with it, not really hungry, as he listened to Leeteuk hire cars and check hotel bookings in his careful English. Donghae couldn’t help but think everything would be a lot simpler if Wookie hadn’t stolen Henry and his English off for “site-seeing”.

He could still feel the stares. It was killing him slightly. And then when Leeteuk’s expression changed slightly, Donghae knew he was screwed, because the combination of exasperation, fondness, and a little bit of adoration only ever appeared on Leeteuk’s face when his girlfriend called.

“Jagiya-” Leeteuk started. “I am relaxed! Stop it, I’m not overworking myself, why do you-” He sighed. “Ja-” He shook his head and mouthed that he was taking it outside. Donghae heard admonishments issuing from the phone as Hae Mi-noona told her boyfriend off for something. He couldn’t help but grin, but that grin all but slipped away as he saw Li-Na coming closer, a gossipy glitter in her eyes. …  Abort, abort! His mind screamed frantically, and he couldn’t help the spark of fear that look engendered in him.

He swallowed. “Um, I better get going.” He gave a weak smile.

“But, Hae-” He shook his head, running his fingers through his messy hair again. He’d…he’d go for a walk. Never mind the fact that he had no idea where he would be going and would most likely get lost, he just couldn’t, couldn’t answer questions about him and Hyukjae.

So he fled. Again. As he always did from things he couldn’t take. He walked out of the doors without his hotel room-key, without a coat, only a t-shirt and his wallet, still in his pocket. He held his head down, the defensive posture relaxing the further away from everyone he got. He wandered down the street, his hands stuffed into his pockets, absent-mindedly taking in the shops. He was finding it relatively simple to read the shop signs, he noticed with surprise. So the lessons had been useful, then? The corner of his mouth quirked up, amused at the idea.

He was contemplating walking into one of the shops, just to see if there was anything interesting (and by interesting, he of course did not mean the toyshop on the corner that had the plastic soldiers in the window. Of course not.), when he was jostled by someone. “Sorry.” He muttered in heavily accented English, just glad he’d remembered to say it in English.

“It’s fine.” Someone answered back in equally accented English. Donghae’s head snapped up because he recognised that English.

“Oh. It’s you.” Was all he could say, the instinct to flee roaring back to life inside him. He moved to go, but Hyukjae’s hand clamped down on his arm.

Hyukjae swallowed, looking at the pale face of his ex. He looked tired, and a little uncomfortable. “Hae… Donghae.” Why couldn’t he say his name formally? “Uh, don’t go. I’m glad to find you actually. I uh…” Donghae watched him squirm, remembering how hard it was for Hyukjae to say things he found difficult. He’d thought it funny, before.  “I wanted to apologise for yelling at you.” He said quickly. “It was rude, and I know you were drunk, so I guess it wasn’t really your fault…” He looked down, then back, at Donghae’s unchanged expression.

“Apology accepted, Eunhyuk-shii.” Donghae was quiet. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you. Well, both of us to be fair” His mouth twisted into a frown as he looked away. “We both know I was never very good with alcohol.”

Eunhyuk gave a choked sounding chuckle. He still couldn’t stand the sound of his nickname so formal in Donghae’s voice. It just didn’t work, but he couldn’t very well ask him to address him in a friendly manner; no, they were too far apart from that. He noticed that he was still gripping Hae’s wrist. He also realised that he hadn’t even thought of letting go. So he dropped it abruptly, and Hae rubbed it a little, the frown still evident in the corners of his mouth.

“What brings you here?” He asked awkwardly.

Donghae shrugged. “I had nothing else to do. You?”

“My nephew-” Eunhyuk started.

“Taehyun?” Donghae interrupted. Eunhyuk glanced at him.

“Yeah…you remember?” Donghae nodded. How could he forget? Once upon a time, that kid had been like his own flesh and blood. Once upon a time, all of Hyukjae’s family had been like his. “It’s his birthday soon. I’m present-shopping.” Donghae nodded. He remembered that, too. “How…How are your family?” This was so strange, yet…almost familiar.

Donghae shrugged. “They’re good. Donghwa-hyung got married. Mum’s okay. What about yours? How’s Sora?”

Hyukjae shrugged too. “Sora’s fine. She has a two year old daughter now, as well. She’s called Soomin. And everyone else is good too.”

“That’s…good.” Donghae muttered, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Yeah…” Hyukjae answered, kind of glad they were having a civil conversation. Perhaps they were past all this unpleasantness?, he thought hopefully.

Donghae took a good look at him. Hyukjae looked so much…more alive than he did. He’d always been thin, but now he was more toned with it, muscles evident, and his hair colour suited him. He didn’t look lonely, like Donghae knew he, himself was. And why would he? He had Sungmin. It was time to separate himself from Hyukjae, again. They might have to be leaders, but that didn’t mean they had to work together properly. He coughed. “So, Eunhyuk.” The name was still foreign in his mouth. But he dropped the shii. It was too much for him. Eunhyuk looked up. “I was thinking… As leaders, perhaps we should split into two teams. So we’re working together…just separately.”

Hyukjae visibly bristled. “What are you saying? Don’t you want to work with me?” That was what came out of his mouth, but the motives that lay underneath his objection were murky. He didn’t know why the idea of splitting away from Donghae was so objectionable to him, and if he questioned it a little more, well…he didn’t want to do that. “Am I not good enough?” His mouth curled up into a sneer, trying to hide the hurt feeling.

Donghae sighed. “No. I know you’re good enough. I’m just trying to make it less awkward for everybody.”  His voice was emotionless, and Hyukjae would never see how hard it was for him to keep it like that, not if Donghae had his way. But Hyukjae certainly noticed the hard set of his jaw.

Hyukjae bit of a short laugh. “Oh, awkward. Not like you didn’t make it awkward yourself, what with blurting out how we used to be…together.”

Donghae’s fists clenched, a sure sign that he was losing his temper. “I was drunk.” He tried to say calmly.

“Fine.” Hyukjae said. “Fine. Or maybe you were just trying to play me down, make it look like you got me the job. I never thought you were this vindictive, Donghae.” He didn’t know why he was being so cruel, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to inflict just a tiny amount of the pain he’d felt when Donghae had left him. It was terrible, but he wanted to see that Donghae could feel bad too…just to, he didn’t know.

“I am not like that, and you know it, Hyukjae!” Donghae spat, his temper finally set free. “You’re the one making it all about this . I was just trying to make it easier, for ’s sake.”

Hyukjae rolled his eye. “Yeah, of course. Easier for you to look better.” He had no idea what he was saying, but the pained look in Donghae’s eyes reassured him that there was something, that he could still affect Hae. Hae might not want him, but by God, he could get at him.

Donghae smirked, the arrogant expression hiding the pain this caused him. “If anyone wants to look better, it’s you. You always make it about you. You’re the one who always chases after the goddamned thing until it’s nearly too late! You’re the one who likes to be an idiot. If anyone’s vindictive, it’s you.” He didn’t know what they were fighting about anymore, but he couldn’t stop the words spilling out of his mouth.

“Is that why you left, then?” Hyukjae shouted, his face angry and hurt at the same time.

“I don’t ing know!” Donghae started as he shouted the sentence. He didn’t know when it had become about this, but it had, and it was horrible. He wanted to stop, but he couldn’t because some strange part of him was loving whatever interaction with Hyukjae he had.

He was about to shout something else,   but he was interrupted by a loud: “Hae-hyung!” as Wookie, Siwon, Henry and Yesung appeared, near enough to have heard their conversation. Donghae could feel his cheeks flushing.

What now?