He didn’t taste the same as he remembered, was the first, hazy thought that popped into Donghae’s mind. It was different; very different, and for a fraction of a second, he wondered why, before he crashed back down to Earth and pulled back from the very, very stupid thing he’d just done. What the hell had he been thinking? What had he been thinking? He stumbled back, the look on his face almost terrified as he tried to look somewhere, anywhere else from Hyukjae. He didn’t want to think about why he’d done it, didn’t want to think about the fact that, for a tiny moment, he could have sworn he felt Hyukjae about to respond to his kiss. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…” He spluttered, backing away.

But that was stupid, because it had lasted about ten seconds, and he was probably imagining it, he thought as he almost ran out of the door, not looking back. He could feel the pathetic tears clouding his eyes as he wandered out into the corridor, not really seeing where he was going, just wanting to run, to run away like he always did and pretend it wasn’t real. But it was real, and it was all his fault because he was the one who had kissed him, and he was the one who had started it…and Hyuk had Sungmin. This wasn’t right. This was stupid. This was so unlike him, and he just couldn’t quite comprehend what had made him do it as he walked clumsily down the stairs.

Had it been the heat of the moment? Had it been the way Hyukjae had just looked at him as they had stood in that hotel room? Or had it been the scent of him, so infuriatingly familiar, that his body just couldn’t help but want? But that made it sound as if he was making excuses, and really, there was no excuse. He was thirty years old, not some hormonal teenager; he should have, and could have been able to control himself, but he hadn’t, and now, he had created a horrible situation.

He didn’t realise he was on the ground floor, and that the steps had ended, until he tripped, nearly going flying as he gripped the banister. Lady Luck didn’t seem to be on his side today, he thought grimly. Sighing, he let go of the banister as his heart calmed down a little, and he brought his hand up to brush away the annoying tears that threatened to leak out in front of everyone else. He didn’t want to cry in the middle of some hotel with strangers looking at him.

He didn’t quite know where he thought he was going. After all, he didn’t know of any place to go, and it wasn’t like he could run off home. He supposed that the main thing was that he didn’t want to be alone, and he’d just sort of blocked himself out of that damn hotel room. Blinking a little to try and stop his eyes from tearing up, he walked forward, hoping to bump into someone.  Anyone would be good, but he couldn’t deny he wanted Leeteuk-hyung the most, or maybe Wookie. Siwon would be okay, but he wouldn’t really understand.

He still wasn’t in luck, though, because he couldn’t see anyone, although it couldn’t have been that long since he’d gone up. He walked a little further into the lobby, feeling strangely nervous and on edge. It felt like he was on display, and he wanted to run. Again. Run where though, he had no idea. But he just wanted out, to get away from the confusion, the want, the anger. It wasn’t helping anything, and he half felt it wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t buried it. But that was what he did; bury things so deep he didn’t have to see them, or think about them. Only now, he was forced to think about it, and he couldn’t take it, because it made him act so irrationally and hurtfully.

As he walked in a little more, he could spot Siwon, his dark head bowed down a little as he rubbed the back of his neck. He was still talking to the same woman he’d helped, and she was smiling, obviously charmed already. He felt like taking back what he’d said to Yesung earlier; Siwon was just as much a as Wookie. Couldn’t at least one of his friends be less…happy? It was just so awkward, watching as they made small-talk, when all he wanted to do was yell that it was obvious they were planning to one another, so could they please get on with this so Donghae could have his ing breakdown?

Of course, he didn’t say anything like that. As if he would. Instead, he pushed his way over to them, smiled at the girl apologetically and tugged at Siwon to ask where Leeteuk was before he lost it. Siwon said something to her, and she grinned back, blushing a little. Donghae didn’t care what he’d said, he just wanted the answer to his question.

“He’s on the phone with his girlfriend.” Siwon said quickly, obviously wanting to be rid of him. “Is there a reason you need him? I mean, I’m sure he’ll cut his conversation if you need-” Donghae shook his head.

He didn’t want to admit the tiny infuriated feeling that ran through him when he heard that Leeteuk was talking with his girlfriend. Was everyone else allowed a happy love-life but him? Because that was what it bloody felt like. “It’s…it’s nothing.” He lied, not wanting to get into it with the stranger watching their conversation interestedly.

Siwon, sensing his discomfort, looked a little worried, and told him: “Wookie’s in the room, if he can help?” He knew that Donghae would most likely tell Wookie what was going on over him, and he figured that would be more helpful.

This time, Donghae nodded, as Siwon gave him the room number and another smile, before he turned back to the woman, hoping Donghae would fix whatever was worrying him. Donghae left the two, wishing that for once, he wouldn’t be reminded of what he didn’t have. It was making it all worse, because he couldn’t seem to help running into lovesick couples everywhere. Or at least, that was how it seemed to him.

Siwon and Wookie’s room was only on the second floor, and he wondered if Siwon would consider letting him sleep here tonight as well; he’d already offered to take his place in Hyukjae’s room, and he couldn’t bear the idea of having to sleep in the same room as him after that…kiss. He knocked on the door quietly, Wookie’s face registering surprise when he saw who it was and the expression on Donghae’s face. He held his phone in one hand, as he stepped back to let Donghae in, sitting on the bed, as Donghae’s head came to rest in his lap. He muttered that he would just finish the call, as he Donghae’s hair.

Donghae refused to cry until he was sure no one would hear or see, as Ryeowook murmured into the phone, his hand threading through Donghae’s hair comfortingly. He tried to focus on something else, to control his feelings, as he heard Kyuhyun’s frantic voice through the phone. He decided that listening to that was probably the better option than waiting, and he heard Kyuhyun say something about “My stupid noona decided that I had to babysit today, and you’re not here and she keeps crying and , I do not know anything about babies!”

Ryeowook laughed. “You were okay with her last time.” He said, his fingers lifting up locks of Donghae’s hair. 

“That was because both you and MiMi were there and I wasn’t alone and she didn’t keep giving me these reproachful looks! She knows I know all, she knows, Wookie!” There was the sound of the phone being set down, and Donghae could hear Kyuhyun murmuring to the little girl as he picked her up. “Okay. Uh, she stopped crying. What do I do?”

Ryeowook sniggered. “Oh Kyu, it’s not that bad. Where is Mi?” He asked, toying with Donghae’s hair once more.

“He’s gone to go get something from the shops. I’ve been alone. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, MiMi’s the one who handles children…” Kyuhyun sounded completely out of his depth, and Donghae could hear soft noises that he supposed belonged to the little girl.

“Just hold her until MiMi gets back, it shouldn’t be long.” Kyuhyun made a strange noise.

“But…”

“She’s your baby niece, Kyu, she’s not going to bite you.” Ryeowook snickered into the phone.

“I hate you.” He snarled quietly into the phone, resenting Ryeowook’s amusement. “Kids are so difficult.” There was a loud sniffle and suddenly, the phone sounded like it was being whooshed around as Kyuhyun bounced the little girl around in a circle. “I want Zhou Mi to handle this.” He whimpered. “I haven’t got a clue.”

Ryeowook gave a rather childish laugh in response before he heard the click of the door and Zhou Mi’s voice as he came in. All he heard was Kyuhyun’s happy sigh of relief as he said “Thanks Wook, bye” and the phone was disconnected. Ryeowook chuckled once more before he shifted Donghae’s head in his lap.

“So…what is it?” He asked cautiously, peering down at him. Donghae didn’t say anything for a minute, still wiling himself not to sob all over Wookie’s lap or something equally babyish. For a moment, he thought the soothing movement of Wookie’s fingers through his hair would keep him from crying, but it didn’t work, as he choked a little. Wookie gave a worried little noise as he moved his hands to cradle Donghae’s face. “Seriously, Hae…what on earth is it?”

Donghae couldn’t think of anything to say as he sat up, Wookie’s hands falling from his face as he wrapped his arms around the smaller man and decided that it, he was going to cry and he couldn’t help that. It felt a little emasculating as he sobbed into Wookie’s thin chest, but he really couldn’t help it. He just felt so bad. He didn’t understand what had led him to lose so much of the control he needed to stay around Hyukjae, he didn’t understand why he kept lashing out at him, and he didn’t understand how this one kiss could have caused so much emotional uproar.

Wookie didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, because what Donghae needed at that moment was someone to let him cry, and Wookie was more than happy to do that. He just wished his best friend would tell him what was wrong with him. But Hae just sobbed, almost in a childlike way. Wookie supposed it had something to do with Hyukjae. The thought made him resent the other man a little more; he was beginning to hate the effect this stranger seemed to have on Donghae with a passion. He didn’t know this man, and he wasn’t going to assume things, but still…when Donghae appeared, sobbing, it riled him up a little.

Donghae hiccupped a little, the tears finally beginning to subside as he tried to calm down. It wasn’t as bad as he felt, he was sure, and when he looked up, it was to see Wookie’s gentle, non- judgemental look, and it just…pulled him together a little. He knew that Wookie wanted to know what had brought this on, and so he told him, recounting the horrible argument and the stupid, stupid kiss in murmured tones, his throat still tight and his eyes damp. Wookie listened carefully, feeling sorry for his beloved hyung. Their relationship was obviously still unfinished; Donghae had never gotten closure by the looks of it, if this crying jag was anything to go by. He wondered what had happened to Eunhyuk, left in the room by himself. Although he was firmly on Donghae’s side (he was biased in the case of his friends), he wanted to know what this had done to him-did he still want Donghae as much as Donghae wanted him? After all, this was the gist of everything, and Donghae had even admitted it, gasping out that all he wanted was Hyukjae right now, and he would never have him.

Ryeowook grabbed Donghae’s hands, moving so that instead of Donghae clutching him, he was sat in his lap, squeezing his fingers gently. “It’s okay, Hae,” was the first thing he told him, wanting to reassure him that he was not a terrible person. “I know it’s a typical thing to say, but, really, everyone makes mistakes.”

“Not everyone kisses their ex without permission.” Donghae pointed out gruffly, still trying to swallow down the tears.

“Ah, don’t worry.” Wookie waved his hand. “I’ve kissed a few of my exes after we broke up, I’m more of a .” There was a twinkle in his eye as he said this, but it still didn’t bring Donghae’s mood up.

“Wookie. This is three years after we broke up. He has a boyfriend. Don’t try to make this sound like breakup .” Donghae’s tone was cutting, as he tried to disguise how close he was to tears. He didn’t mean to belittle his best friend, and Wookie knew that.

“Well, you never did have your onetime-after-breakup-y time.” Wookie grinned. “Think of it like that.”

Hae blinked for a minute after hearing that sentence come out of Wookie’s mouth. “What even? Wookie, do you ever listen to yourself sometimes?” Wookie shrugged, letting go of his hands to wrap his arms around Donghae, snuggling in.

“Being appropriate is overrated.” He mumbled, trying to get Donghae to snuggle him back. “I’m just trying to make you feel better.” He muttered.

Donghae gave a weak chuckle. “I know, Wookie, and I’m grateful, really. It just…. I’m such a ing idiot.”

“No you’re not.” Wookie leant back, smile widening. “Stop it, Hae. I don’t care. Now, you just stay here with me, and stop worrying. You can share my bed, or something. Wonnie’s already going to take your room, right?” Donghae nodded robotically. “Well, when he moves his stuff in, he can move yours back, and you can let this blow over for tonight, and go apologise tomorrow, if that’s what you want. But don’t go back now. It won’t help. Just stay here with me and Siwon.” One of Wookie’s eyebrows went up as he considered. “Well, that is if Siwon comes back. He was getting on with that girl nicely.” Approval radiated from Ryeowook, and Donghae couldn’t help but laugh a little again. Of course Wookie would approve of Siwon moving in on some strange woman, of course he would.

“Okay.” He said. “Alright. If…if you think that’s best.” He wasn’t sure that was what Leeteuk-hyung would have told him, if he had come to him instead of Ryeowook, but this path suited his habit of running away. It felt wrong, and unfair to leave it like this, but as he lay back on the bed, Wookie snuggled up next to him, he really couldn’t stand going back. No, he thought, as another, silent tear dripped down. He didn’t want to see the look on Hyukjae’s face.

In their hotel room, Hyukjae was still conflicted. After Donghae had left, sputtering apologies, he had collapsed onto the nearest bed, even more confused than he had been before. So Donghae had kissed him, that much was certain. What was not so clear to him was just why Donghae had done that. Was he jealous? He didn’t understand, and he almost didn’t want to understand. And then there was the pulsing sense of guilt, because although he hadn’t initiated it, he knew he had been about to respond before Donghae had broken it off. So he didn’t understand what that meant, either. Was this cheating on Sungmin?

If he was completely honest…probably. Whatever Donghae was making him feel, it wasn’t right to want to kiss him back, even if it was completely out of the blue. So what was he feeling, then? Misplaced love for Hae because they’d never quite had closure and Sungmin wasn’t here? But that didn’t quite add up, and it was still a poor excuse. He wasn’t like this; he didn’t want to kiss other men, he was happy with Sungmin, he was content. It wasn’t fair that he was getting so messed up, it really wasn’t. What the hell had he done to deserve it?

Donghae’s case lay on the other bed, mocking him, it seemed. He almost wanted to throw it against the wall, watch it leave a dent, in place of hitting its owner for this ing mix up of emotions. But he wouldn’t. That would be childish and stupid and a thousand other things, and despite how hard he wanted to hit something, to bury his head in the ground and pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing would happen, he knew it was an impossible goal. Donghae would never truly disappear from his life, he realised. Someone you’d spent that amount of time with just wouldn’t, and he needed to face up to it.

Face up to it how, he wasn’t sure. But he knew he needed to talk, to say…something, to figure out what exactly it was Donghae wanted, because the arguing and anger, and that ing kiss all just pushed it into something he knew he couldn’t control. This was something that pushed him out of his depth, it wasn’t an easily fixed problem; having a short discussion wouldn’t hash this problem out. But he didn’t want to be stuck here, asking himself why.

But then, he also knew Donghae. He was most likely running, running from what he’d just done and the pain he’d caused them both, and confronting him wouldn’t work, because he’d slip away, convinced that was for the best.  He probably thought that Hyuk would forget about it, or at least not want to bother with it, but that was fine. This time, he wasn’t going to let it go. He’d done that for three years already, and now he was tired of it. He wanted answers. Answers Donghae had forgone giving to him for too long.

But typically, of course, he didn’t get them, because Donghae managed to avoid him for a week and a half. But that was okay, as he’d expected it. He could bide his time, and it seemed that his time would come, as he sat in the lab one afternoon.